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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people keep having kids?

127 replies

EllaEllaEllaElla · 17/01/2023 17:17

This isn't judgemental. I've got 2 DC and all I think about is having a third.

I have a DH who is rubbish and I think about leaving him on a weekly basis. A 5 year old with ASD who doesn't sleep. And a 1 year old who is the easiest child in the world. I work full time and have a very stressful job.

But all I can think about is a third child. I'm nearly 37 so have to get a move on. I'm finally getting some sleep after years of being totally sleep deprived. I'm finally saving some money again.

WHY WOULD I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD???

But it's all I can think about.

What is this weird psychological thing where you want to keep having kids even though life feels like total chaos already?

Is it ever a good idea to have a kid if you aren't happy in the relationship but you know you'd be a good mum to the kid and have comfortable life/stability in other ways?

Any thoughts/reflections v welcome.

OP posts:
Chickalettaetta · 17/01/2023 18:13

I don't know either. I have one, had him late and never felt 'broody' before I did. Definitely don't want another one. I feel like I've missed the gene that makes us want to procreate!

I love my son more than anything and I've been very lucky in that he's so easy, sleeps well and is so chilled out. But the thought of 2 and the extra work etc fills me with dread.

All I can suppose is that others who do have more children, in more difficult circumstances than mine, must have an overwhelming urge to do so, much as you describe?

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 18:19

I had a 3rd child with a man I knew I’d leave before too long (because of his behaviour towards my son, not his bio son) because I guess hormones? I really wanted the opportunity for a daughter after 2 sons and I knew I wouldn’t have had another child with someone else and complicate things, and have 3 kids by 3 different man (not judging anyone who does). My ex knew it wouldn’t last too, and at first when I brought up the fact he seemed to have changed his mind about a 3rd he said categorically no. It wasn’t right as our relationship wasn’t very secure and it wouldn’t be fair on the child. Then 2 days later he changed his mind and said let’s TTC. So we did get pregnant and I had my longed for DD. She’s 14 now, nearly 15 and we have been split 13yrs. None of us regret having her though, it probably brought us together for a bit, and it was nice to have 2 kids close in age when they were at their dad’s etc rather than just the 1.

For me though yes I had a busy life, full time job and commuting into london, teenager and toddler but they were fairly easy kids. Even now I’m so fortunate all my kids have given me a fairly easy ride. I’m not sure id have been so keen if it had been as tough as you describe. But no judgment from me for wanting a child when your relationship is not secure.

DaughterOfPsychiatrist · 17/01/2023 18:23

I’d LOVE another baby!

But I realise it’s my rapidly shrivelling ovaries playing tricks on my mind ‘quick, quick! Have
another one! You know you want to!’

I’m 46 and my eldest is 22. Intellectually that absolute last thing I want is to go back to the baby years. Biology is powerful!

SallyWD · 17/01/2023 18:25

It's biology. All living things want to reproduce and replicate their DNA. It's what we're programmed to do. I suppose humans are the exception in that we can actually think about it rationally and choose not to do it.

Sleepless1096 · 17/01/2023 18:27

I'm not sure people do keep having kids.

Lots of women aren't having kids at all, many more women are stopping at one and I don't know that many people with more than two. The low birth rate is starting to attract negative attention from policymakers and economists. Primary schools are closing or struggling for numbers round here.

That said, some people are kid people. They really like having children, and the process of raising them, and so don't really get "one or two and done" feeling that other people get. I'm definitely in this category - I have a relatively easy 5yo, a small baby, an uninvolved husband who is always working, and I do 95% of everything. I'd still love another one or two kids. That said, I don't hate my husband, he's just a workaholic.

Throughtheforest2 · 17/01/2023 18:27

I totally get this.
39 and had the same feeling over the last few years but I feel like the urge is slowly diminishing… hoping that continues to be the case as I know practically it’s a very bad idea and I don’t have the energy to give (and would have less grandparent support than before)

doadeer · 17/01/2023 18:28

I don't feel like this. I have a wonderful DH but my son has high needs autism and I absolutely couldn't have another child at the moment, he needs so much specialised focus.

Original poster
EllaEllaEllaElla · 17/01/2023 18:29

Yeah. I guess its just hormonal. Also a feeling of "I'd do it better". I guess I do feel unfulfilled. A DH who is v loyal to me and v reliable but isn't loving or interested in me. I don't know of he ever was.

It's just weird that intellectually and rationally it's a bloody awful idea. Yet I think about it multiple times a day and I know I would love him or her so much.

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 17/01/2023 18:31

I had 3 under three and was aching for another.

I realised that I was one of those ppl that would always yearn for another baby. But even having another wouldn't scratch the itch-I would always want more. I loved being pregnant, babies, breast feeding etc I assume hormones were kicking and screaming

So I had to look at my DC, be grateful to have them and regretfully close that door.

I do agree @EllaEllaEllaElla that the pull is strong.
You need to look at your life and try and clinically assess the options-although removing the hormones/physical ache not easy.

Good luck

toocold54 · 17/01/2023 18:32

I have one and (apart from the guilt of having an only child) I couldn’t think of anything worse!

The pregnancy and birth alone is enough to put me off.

I think some people choose to continue having kids because they want a certain sex but I think others like you, use it as a distraction from their current lives.

Focus on ending the relationship.
You’ll probably find in a few weeks/months you don’t even want another baby.

Minniem2020 · 17/01/2023 18:35

I can relate op. I have 3, a teenager who is amazing but bloody hard. A 4 year old with possible asd who isn't a great sleeper and a 9 month old who sleeps very little. I haven't slept properly in years, am constantly exhausted and look about 10 years older than I am but if I could have another one tomorrow then I would. It must be biology because it certainly isn't sense in my case!

itswednesdayy · 17/01/2023 18:40

I work with the public & one male refused to attend his appointments as he said he may get murdered if he attends due to gangs. He refuses to report his concerns to the police, and racially abuses our staff if they ask for more information. He said he hasn’t entered the area in years, yet is adamant he will be attacked.

Meanwhile he’s impregnated his partner and he’s using the pregnancy as leverage for his demands. I just think, if you’re genuinely worried random people might imminently kill you and are stalking you, why would you have unprotected sex and bring a baby into it? Things happen yes, but why wouldn’t you then report your concerns to the police to protect your family and your life? I don’t understand the thought process. People out to assault you is a major thing to go through, but the decision making isn’t adding up

itswednesdayy · 17/01/2023 18:41

It’s like the desire to procreate trumps everything else for many people

PousseyNotMoira · 17/01/2023 18:41

itswednesdayy · 17/01/2023 18:40

I work with the public & one male refused to attend his appointments as he said he may get murdered if he attends due to gangs. He refuses to report his concerns to the police, and racially abuses our staff if they ask for more information. He said he hasn’t entered the area in years, yet is adamant he will be attacked.

Meanwhile he’s impregnated his partner and he’s using the pregnancy as leverage for his demands. I just think, if you’re genuinely worried random people might imminently kill you and are stalking you, why would you have unprotected sex and bring a baby into it? Things happen yes, but why wouldn’t you then report your concerns to the police to protect your family and your life? I don’t understand the thought process. People out to assault you is a major thing to go through, but the decision making isn’t adding up

Did you post this on the wrong thread?

EasterIsland · 17/01/2023 18:42

Is it ever a good idea to have a kid if you aren't happy in the relationship

No.

BigYellowElephant · 17/01/2023 18:43

I dont know. I'm a single mum of 3, life is HARD, their dad is useless and barely sees them. I've absolutely zero intention of dating, couldn't think of anything worse. But I'm DESPERATE for another baby. If I won the lottery the absolute first thing I'd do is have another baby. Probably quite a few more. I adore babies, I adore kids and I don't think I'll ever feel "done". But obviously I can't have any more in my position so I just have to deal with it.

willingtolearn · 17/01/2023 18:46

You're an optimist maybe?

Realistically my view is that you should think about it from the child's point of view. What will their life be like? Do you have the energy and finances (with or without your husband) to care for and provide a reasonable life to a 3rd child as well as your current children without any of them suffering.

It is not fair to a child to be a band aid for it's parents. THey will have needs of their own, perhaps additional needs and cannot always fit into a family that is already struggling.

The film 'Capernaum' is where a child sues his parents for bringing him in to a world without care for any of his needs. It's a fantastic watch.

Beseen22 · 17/01/2023 18:51

Yep I feel this. Haven't used contraception in 10 years and have 2 children so know it's going to take a while if it was to happen at all. Had a miscarriage last year which has left me pretty down. DC are a delight and I have it good rn. DS is off to nursery this year so I could do more hours, maybe invest a little in my career. We could be fairly comfortable financially. I wouldn't have to spend my 30s feeling like a failure from poor fertility and miscarriage. DH happy to have 3rd kid but equally happy to be done.

Like every single pro/con list is saying obviously don't do it but here I am like a fool.

AlbertaAnnie · 17/01/2023 18:51

I think it’s hormonal and inbuilt in many to want to reproduce before it’s too late however that doesn’t mean it’s logical to especially in difficult circumstances. I felt this when my littlest was 3 - I got a puppy instead! I can see more puppies in my future!

Hazelbrazil · 17/01/2023 18:55

I read that the Amish have 7 on average

Original poster
EllaEllaEllaElla · 17/01/2023 18:56

If I could go back in time I'd stay single and get a sperm donor and have 4 kids. Or adopt 4 kids. Kids are great. Men are not.

OP posts:
glittereyelash · 17/01/2023 18:57

I genuinely don't know. I only wanted one, love him to bits but have zero desire to have any more. I know a few people who have 4 or more children who just love having a full house.

Keha · 17/01/2023 19:02

I've got two small ones and when pregnant with the 2nd was sure that was it, but now find myself thinking about a third. I know it's not sensible money/space/time wise. What I found helps is thinking about the kids I have and asking myself whether a third would really benefit them and imagining the things we will/won't be able to do if we were to add in a baby. I'm pretty sure having a 3rd would lead to a lot of compromises for them and when I think about it like that I find myself much less keen. But I would love to be pregnant and give birth again!

Sparklybanana · 17/01/2023 19:05

I have 3 kids because of serendipity. 2 ivf. 1 wtf.

user8545 · 17/01/2023 19:16

The wannabe psychoanalyst in me wants to say you're trying to fill a void, probably one caused by your unfulfilling relationship.

Also think hormones have a part to play as we near our 40s, my head knows a 3rd is not sensible, DH is getting the snip now so when I get to that age it's off the table so I hope I don't give it a second thought whatever my hormones try to tell me.