Why do people keep having kids?

[EllaEllaEllaElla]

This isn't judgemental. I've got 2 DC and all I think about is having a third.

I have a DH who is rubbish and I think about leaving him on a weekly basis. A 5 year old with ASD who doesn't sleep. And a 1 year old who is the easiest child in the world. I work full time and have a very stressful job.

But all I can think about is a third child. I'm nearly 37 so have to get a move on. I'm finally getting some sleep after years of being totally sleep deprived. I'm finally saving some money again.

WHY WOULD I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD???

But it's all I can think about.

What is this weird psychological thing where you want to keep having kids even though life feels like total chaos already?

Is it ever a good idea to have a kid if you aren't happy in the relationship but you know you'd be a good mum to the kid and have comfortable life/stability in other ways?

Any thoughts/reflections v welcome.

Because newborn cuddles are awesome. My friends who have similar thoughts get their fix by cuddling my baby but when he cries they hand him back and go about their day. Feel free to come hug my baby rather than bringing another child into a relationship you're not happy in!

Sometimes I get a wildly strong urge to have a baby despite not being remotely ready, emotionally, financially, logistically and single! Biology is stronger than I realise sometimes and it often hits me when feeling a bit lost/low because I think part of me thinks it would give me a purpose. I let my sensible brain take over in these scenarios

LOL! I don't get people that enjoy pregnancy and childbirth, like you it was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I think that's why I stopped at 1 DC.

For me it was hormones I think. I was desperate for my first and then second baby. I wanted kids but this was a much more 'in the bones' feeling than just wanting to raise a family. I was then diagnosed with cancer during my second pregnancy and am now in chemical menopause - I now literally can't even imagine that feeling again. Still love kids, still want to (and am happy to be) raise a family but don't have the slightest hint of wanting another baby ever again.

I had a friend who was very very very anti children and had no maternal desire whatsoever. Came off the pill and suddenly wanted kids. She said that was 100% hormones. Had one and will never have another as lo and behold it really wasn't what she wanted at all!

Similarly another good friend who remains child free and really dislikes children has described that even she has occasionally felt the 'need' to bear and hold a child. If you met her you'd know that must be some seriously fucking strong hormones...

Because women eventually have the door shut on them.

I've always been really grateful to be missing that maternal 'compulsion'

It's literally biology.

But saying that, most 3 child families I know are a lot closer and happier than the 1 or 2 child families, so maybe this choice just suits you. I'm sure it feels really nice to be part of a little tribe even if it's chaos and there's no money.

I mean right now I'm lying in a bed covered in crumbs trying to persuade an overtired 5 year old to go to sleep, I really need a wee suddenly because my pelvic floor is fucked, and I've got an evening spent doing laundry ahead of me before the inevitable 6 hours of broken sleep tonight

A 3rd baby is batshit crazy. But those hormones are battering down the door.

@Angelofthenortheast

It's literally biology.

Is it though? Not being facetious I would like to know if there's any hard scientific evidence for this. It's always trotted out as being this "urge" that people can't resist. Would love to hear from anyone who knows about the science of this.

Clearly there is a drive for sex and some women want babies, I get that.

But people talk about these enormous hormonal urges to have more and more babies when it clearly isn't practical or beneficial for their lives in any way (and in fact is usually detrimental). Is it just that evolution hasn't caught up with what's workable?

Or do people talk themselves into the idea that they need more kids because of the constant social pressure to want and have babies and the fact all their friends are doing it?

Money isn't a huge problem. I mean I don't have loads of it! But the stressful job pays enough to have a 3rd kid

But the husband is the issue. And I feel guilty about my ASD boy. He could probably do without another sibling maybe

But yes I love having a full messy house. And I love loving my kids if that makes sense.

I find it un-relatable to want to experience pregnancy, birth, babies or toddlers again, the thought makes my blood run cold. BUT I do love the idea of 3 adult children (she says having no adult children yet!) maybe even 3 primary kids wouldn't be so bad although the thought of 3 x after school clubs sound exhausting. It's all moot though as I've reasoned that the people I need to consider more than myself are my 2 kids, and an additional sibling will not bring any additional benefit to them that isn't outweighed by the financial and emotional support I can more readily give 2 than if I had to split myself 3 ways. Once I started thinking like that it was pretty easy to overcome tbh.

(Especially as my youngest has ADHD)

Wait until your 1 year old is 2 then make your decision 😁

It will pass. It did for me and my god am I glad I stopped at 2!

Get a rescue dog.

I think a big part is hormones. I have 2 wonderful perfect children, a lovely DH, a great fulfilling job, but all I can think about on the relevant 3-4 days every month is how I will feel absolutely unfulfilled in life unless I have another child. For me, it's not the thought of another baby, but another child forever in our lives.

When you figure it out, let me know. I'm completely torn.

This was me ten or so years ago. Just wanted to be pregnant and have another go at a natural labour - induced first time, section second.
Total madness!!
What stopped it for me was having cancer preventive surgery which took away the option. I didn’t actually want another child, just to be pregnant again.

I have 3 (the second child was twins) and I highly recommend you don’t do it. And I have a husband that more than pulls his weight and I like being married to most of the time! There’s never enough of me to go around, we have no money, holidays are hard, you can’t go swimming due to ratios, I’ve missed so much work due to domino illnesses, I’m constantly exhausted.

The mere idea of being pregnant again makes me feel sick!

My husband is getting the snip and we will be using dual methods of contraception forever!

In upshot - NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Listen - when you have a new baby everything is all over the place and it takes ages to find your feet.

Negative input at that stage is really hurtfu;l as the time is fraught.

My suggestion?

Disengage, and quickly.

Start to place value on your time and your spirits.

That would mean - don't answer the phone. You can call back. Agree with yourself that you will call back once in XXX hours/days/weeks. In that call you can say "sorry but very caught up in sleep and baby".
Have a time limit for the call, and a good excuse ready to hand to terminate the call - baby crying etc . Also have excuses ready to terminate the call if they are coming to a subject you do not wish to discuss - "oh , so sorry, baby crying, must go" etc.

Ditto text. You answer every so often. Don't even read the incoming. You have excellent excuses now.

Ditto visits.

Start to carve out time for you to get to know your baby, and yourself in this new stage of life. You will be very emotional - we all are at that time.

There is only one way for you to be a mother and that is your way. BUT - you have to find it as we all did/do. For that you need a little peace, a little love, and no critisim.

Good luck op.

PS - you can loose weight later. One step at a time.

It’s just biology. The people who don’t feel like you do die out.

I mean, why does anyone want a child? I can’t think of a ‘good’ reason yet here I am pregnant with DC2. I just wanted another, despite the fact DD runs me ragged!

Wrong thread!!

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't understand why you're being so dismissive of people who aren't the same as you. I don't have the huge biological urge for more either - I'm happily two and done - but I don't find it hard to believe that other people experience different things to me and not do I think that anyone who wants something I don't want must not really want it and must be brainwashed by society. And I really don't think there is social pressure to have 3+ children, anyway.

No way I’d have another in your situation, sorry OP.

Women’s bodies are programmed to do this as we approach menopause - biological instinct. Ignore it.

I don't know. I'm not particularly suffering from baby brain at the moment. I've got my hands full with the first right now. But I get it. Before I had the WORST baby brain. All I wanted was that cute snuggly tiny baby and it was all I could think of. My pregnancy was a Nightmare and that was birth control enough.

Bad idea. Don't do it.