Why do people keep having kids?

[EllaEllaEllaElla]

This isn't judgemental. I've got 2 DC and all I think about is having a third.

I have a DH who is rubbish and I think about leaving him on a weekly basis. A 5 year old with ASD who doesn't sleep. And a 1 year old who is the easiest child in the world. I work full time and have a very stressful job.

But all I can think about is a third child. I'm nearly 37 so have to get a move on. I'm finally getting some sleep after years of being totally sleep deprived. I'm finally saving some money again.

WHY WOULD I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD???

But it's all I can think about.

What is this weird psychological thing where you want to keep having kids even though life feels like total chaos already?

Is it ever a good idea to have a kid if you aren't happy in the relationship but you know you'd be a good mum to the kid and have comfortable life/stability in other ways?

Any thoughts/reflections v welcome.

What is this weird psychological thing where you want to keep having kids even though life feels like total chaos already?

No idea. I don't have it 🤷🏽‍♀️

When my one year old looks at me when I get home from work and smiles the most beautiful smile ….
I know that no one will ever love me as much . The baby stage doesn’t last forever and one day he won’t do this . The innocence of a baby , the love the have for you . I think it is absolutely beautiful.
Ive never felt love or purpose like this before . Im sure it will be so hard when the children grow up. Im currently pregnant with number 2!!!!!

Its your hormones masquerading as your heart.
Imagine having a third with quite severe ASD? If its chaos now, what would that be?

Hmm, the older you are the more likely you are to have twins. We went for a third and got a fourth too, which we were very happy about but my dh is not at all useless, I suppose I’d say just think about how you’d feel if you went for a third and it was two - or three!!

Cousin had two dc, eldest with what would be known as aspergers so pretty high function. Middle child is nt, 3rd child had severe asd. I don't think they considered the risk and thought they'd be giving middle child a nt sibling but actually it's brought a lot of stress, although youngest is delightful.

I’d happily do it all over again but I never had any issues with either of my pregnancies, it’s uncomfortable in the last trimester but overall it was fine and I was extremely lucky to have quick, easy labours that didn’t require any pain relief.

If I’d had any complications or if I experienced a long difficult labour I’m 100% I wouldn’t feel the same way!

I would think with your brain. You'll never stop wanting more kids, that's natural I think, but this sounds like it might not be the best time.

All species have an instinct to reproduce.

We just have the ability to put it into words.

@Ostryga I'm exactly the same! If love to POAS again. Do the scans, pack the labour bag, go into labour - I loved it.

Turns out I'm not great with small children though! So no number 3 for me!

@IncompleteSenten and to rationalise meaning we don't have to be a slave to impulse.

I get s.a.d in winter sometimes. It's hormonal bs. So I don't entertain it, i work to fix it. If we all stopped bullshitting one another that 'baby fever' is OK to endulge in because 'hormones' then maybe we'd stop having kids we couldn't look after willy nilly.

It's just a daft hormone. It's something to be laughed at and shrugged off as best we can. Not endulged or used as an excuse to bring a life we cant support into the world.

Watch some childbirth videos. That'll soon put you off.

'Biology'

I don't buy into this. If it were the case, then wtf is wrong with me? Am I less 'womanly'? Is my biology flawed?

Having one felt like going against my instinct for various reasons and I hated being pregnant and birth was a source of years of anxiety to the point that I arranged to have a planned csection.

DS is bloody awesome despite being a little dickhead and never sleeping. But I've always said one and one only and whilst I occasionally fantastise about another child, that's what it is, a fantasy. Not a biological urge to have another child.

There's definitely a difference to me. It's a fantasy about where your life to be / role in life. It's not actually necessarily even about a baby - it's very much about the self and social position. Even if that's about rewinding to a time years ago to get away from the prospect of the self getting older and eventually 'redundant' as a mother who is constantly needed and loved unconditionally by their offspring. It's about extending your time as being 'of value' before being into another stage of life. The desire to have another almost is a feeling of wanting to relive all the good bits for me. Bits you cant bottle and just recapture because they are lost in time. Therefore there's no desire for me to 'chase the wind'.

For me, knowing I've only ever wanted one, put the focus on making sure 'every moment counted' and we appreciated it as much as possible rather feeling like it was just about 'surviving' the latest phase. We only ever had one shot so we had to make it count.

So I wonder how much wishful thinking others have about 'next time it will be different/ better because I know what Im doing this time around' or 'it would have been much more enjoyable without my dickhead partner ruining it' or all the other possible fantasies about a perfect child. No one fantasises about having a baby with disabilities do they? It's this unspoilt, untainted, perfect individual wrapped up in your own image and with no concept of how YOU are flawed either.

That's psychology or social need / project / desire not a biological urge.

Biological need would be more wanting to hump any man (not simply your mate) without thinking about the baby bit cos you just need to be pregnant.

Not to drip feed but a few stories about twins. My youngest was a twin but we lost his twin brother at 6 months pregnancy. So I think maybe it took time to adjust to not being a mum of 3. But that was some time ago now. I also daydream about having a girl. I'd like to be a single mum with 3 kids. Am I being crazy?? Yes probably being naive. Anyway you're all right that its not fair on future kids and my oldest does find school difficult so do want to give him plenty of focus

We're about to start trying for a third. We were both married before and have 2 children each from those relationships. Both of us had terrible, isolating experiences of parenthood and marriage and have now (at the risk of sounding corny) found love. Our children range from 14-10 and I was done for a very long time, in fact it was something I actively looked for in a new partner- not wanting children. Then out of nowhere it just hit me and didn't go away. I thought it was something I would have to live with as my husband didn't want anymore. After talking about it it turned out he was feeling the same and he had his vasectomy reversed last week.

I think much of it for me is about feeling confident and secure in who I am now. I had my children young and raised them alone until meeting my husband. I have no experience of having a baby with someone I love who will support me. I also feel confident in being a mum (famous last words!) and feel I am at a point in my life where I can enjoy it. I know we are in a position where we give this child a wonderful life without it reducing our current children's opportunities. It may not happen for us but I know I will always regret it if we didn't try.

Funny I was thinking about this earlier. I'm 37 too with two DC. The surgeon who did my second c section told me not to have a third. We can't afford a third. DH doesn't want a third. I can't be arsed with even more years of night wakings, nappies and school runs.

AND YET I think awww, baby! How nice it would be to be pregnant again. Carrying a precious little life. And all the excitement of giving birth and holding that new life and loving him or her so much.

Sometimes I think maybe I will get a reborn doll just so I can feel the little weight on my shoulder again

@RedToothBrush a lot of truth there I think: "it's about extending your time as being 'of value' before being into another stage of life"

I relate to this. I think I have pretty low self esteem and get a lot of value from feeling so needed by my two little boys. They love me and I love looking after them. I also love work but the feeling of being needed is intoxicating for some reason. I don't think its healthy.

This is me. We have two lovely girls, but the youngest is just about to turn four and I can't stop obsessing over a third. I've started to feel incredibly tearful whenever I see someone pregnant, or with a baby or toddler, which is a LOT with nursery and school runs. I also get VERY jealous seeing 'three child' families out and about, so I don't think it's necessarily just a 'baby' thing.

Rationally, I know it's a bad idea. I know we wouldn't be able to parent three as effectively, and that there wouldn't be enough time or money to go around. But it's very, very tempting.

I am the same. I hardly get any time to myself, the house is always a mess, I get overstimulated daily and don't sleep well. However, I love my little people so much and although I do struggle, I daydream about a third even though I know it's not practical and would be financially hard too!

I have three and feel I could have had more. For me, it’s not a desire for babies, but a gang of children. I often look after my niece and nephew and love the feeling of the house when I’m caring for all 5 together. If money and time weren’t objects then I would have done it. I thinkDH would have agreed if we had heaps of money. I would have wanted them close in age too.

I don’t like the snide looking down on larger families or the desire for more than 2 that sneaks in from some posters on threads like these. Making assumptions about parents not being able to afford or neglecting their children when there are more than 2 are just prejudices, similar to saying all only children are lonely.

With that in mind, focus on what's missing from your psychological needs. Love? Purpose? A feeling of time slipping away?

How can you be more fulfilled with what you have, rather than what you haven't got? What other things could you do to increase the fulfillment you have with your life as it is?

The fact you have a relationship that's not working well, a child who is difficult but one who is also a dream (so far!) and a demanding job does play into this. Look at those things as much as the baby thing. Maybe you do need a life change - just not necessarily another baby.

I don’t like the snide looking down on larger families or the desire for more than 2 that sneaks in from some posters on threads like these

Nor me. Apparently it’s because of financial/environmental/time reasons, and ‘siblings don’t always get along, I hate mine’. I mean, I know very few people who hate their siblings - most either like them or have more of a neutral relationship. Plus if we’re relying on unlikely scenarios, what’s to say your 2 kids won’t spend their bigger inheritance on crack or gambling? Environmentally it’s a joke - if you’re that concerned about the environment you wouldn’t have kids at all, or maybe 1. But people always permit themselves to have 2 🤷🏼‍♀️ as for time, yes it’s an argument against for example 8 kids, but not 3-4.

As I say social desire and conformity come into play here. It's about how you fit into society roles more than we like to admit. And in turn once you cease to be a woman caring for children at home you hit another phase (which isn't so well looked on and thought of as having value in society - and woman are looked at differently to men for. Men are seen more as respected elders at this point)

How many women who don't have or express a desire not to have kids, get treated with suspicion or even derision. There's an idea that there must be something wrong with them. (There's not) or that they are somehow deserving of pity.

If 3 or 4 was the norm, that's what everyone would have in their heads and judge others accordingly.

I'm sure just over a century ago, only having two or only having children in your thirties would have been seen as strange and women would have felt the urge to marry younger and have more children - even though financial pressures and sense were very much against it. I don't think it's purely about birth control either. (By 1920s middle class families WERE getting smaller and even 50 or 60 years prior to that it's usually working class families who are much bigger than middle class ones. Survival rates only count for so much in this, because if you made it past 5 you had a decent chance regardless of how rich / poor you were.) Remember death in child birth was a very real prospect in a way it's not in the UK today. Were women more biologically driven? Why a class difference then? Or were middle class women more able to say no to sex?

It's a fascinating subject.

Having given it a great deal of thought in the past, I think the social side and the psychological arguments are much more revealing.

I admit I don't "get" the urge thing but I'm perfectly capable of understanding that people have difference experiences from me.

I'm just questioning the truism that its automatically biological. I'm not convinced it is and I think a lot of it is a set of more complex and mixed motives, including in various combinations including social pressure, a desire to be useful to others and prolong the period of being a "nurturer", the desire to replicate the shape of your birth family, the desire to provide your children with more siblings, and possibly boredom and lack of focus. And no doubt many others.

I'm not saying women don't experience it as an urge, I'm just sceptical of the idea that it's biologically driven or innate.

I think the "snide" comments are a reaction to the overly romantic, sometimes quite irresponsible rhetoric of "you'll never regret a child" or even trying to make out it's completely out of our control biologically, when actually having a child should be based on a more logical basis really, we may be animals but we are intelligent with a conscience and free will, especially when you already have children to consider, it shouldn't just be the whim of a "feeling". There tends to be a sense of entitlement about it all.

YABU for saddling another child with a shit father. Too many kids in the world with no or poor male role models.