In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Yes totally agree with @ThisAgainForTheMillionthTime I would either refuse or reduce contact with DH’s family until DH is present and until
MIL learns to wind her neck in and keep her nasty unwanted opinions to herself. Don’t allow them to see your baby without you present either.

I would be careful how you word things to DH. Say you are still feeling hurt and upset after MIL’s last visit when she had a go at you and get him on your side. Ask if he could please have a word with her as you feel her attitude and the way she speaks to you upsetting, hurtful and belittling. Its eroding your confidence and its not helpful. Let him work it out (he should be protecting you but may need a good but subtle nudge to do so). Meanwhile, no visits until he steps up to the plate and is firmly in your corner. Take care.

PS My husband needed a good nudge before DS was born. She informed me she would be booking a fortnight off work when her first grandchild was born and she would be staying with us. I said thats really kind but honestly they are lucky to let you stay in hospital for a few hours after the birth these days and DH has two weeks PAT leave plus time off at Christmas your welcome to visit for the day or two days but two weeks would be two much while we get to know our baby and get used to parenthood etc. She immediately turned on the water works and said she had a headache. DH hadn’t witnessed the conversation and before I had the chance to tell him. She cornered him and said the same thing to him. He’d said just said ok. I then spent the next week worrying about it and then had a panic attack which set off my asthma when discussing my feelings about it. Then he then phoned her was firm and said stop talking please and please just listen and told her we would let her know when she could visit and it would just be a short visit. When they visited he backed me up and said we have decided we want rather than just blaming me.

She also told me that learning to BF was now my job, seeing as I am on maternity leave. I've really struggled with it and she keeps asking me if I'm still doing it or if I've given up.

Patronising old trout.
Next time she asks, either Grey Rock her "everything's fine, baby is getting what s/he needs" or just blow up in the hopes that she will storm off in a huff & redirect her ire & intrusion at her son instead of you. "Are you ever going to fuck off with wittering on about this? I'm sick to death of it, it's none of your business, & I will feed MY baby exactly the way I choose to. Now piss off & don't come back til you've mended your manners."

^^

You need to form a solid team with DH
I made the mistake of sending DH and DC alone and it was where the wedge started to form

I am so Heartbroken about the BF and struggles and she knows this. I don't understand why she keeps going on about it. Argh !

To hurt you, of course.
So she can feel smug & vindicated about "putting you in your place" or other such nonsense. All while presenting "concern".

Which is why I feel a strong "fuck off now, preferably forever" response is just as valid as Grey Rock in this instance. Entirely your choice, & I imagine that also depends on how much understanding & back-up you get from DH.

No I didn't mean that but different cultures have a different take on how MiL should be treated, my own parents were Italian and I had a very different upbringing to my husband. I have also worked with people from Asian backgrounds and their elders are much more involved in a child's upbringing.

You're too much?

It's a husband problem you have. Tell him they stop acting like cunts or they stop seeing the baby.

They sound like complete CFs to me.

💐for you. It is a difficult time after you’ve had a baby - they are being truly insensitive and downright rude to you. YANBU.

Then you have a very big DH problem.

As they're around so much, is he at home when they come?

If not, don't let them come

They are both, but mainly MIL is gaslighting you - cut them off or at least minimal contact. I feel for you @faultybox enjoy your baby, parent your way, I’m sure you’re a brilliant mum.

Well done you for standing up for yourself when you have a 6 week old baby! She sounds mad. No advice other than reduce contact. Part of the reason I split from my husband was his mad mother! YANBU!

Are your parents around? Maybe get them to come round the same time as mil and get some support. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit when you’ve just had a baby.

It sounds like they are gaslighting you, you should try to minimise the amount of time you spend with them if possible.

Your in-laws are C! You should go N/C they'll never change!

This ^^

At this moment you need support and encouragement not being undermined. My MIL undermined my mothering capabilities and continued to do so for the next three decades until she died. My FIL used to make fun of my weight post babies. Spending time with them would leave me feeling awful but I had the support of my husband thankfully. Don’t spend the next 30 yrs being treat badly by them. Wording them was absolutely the right thing to do. Have belief in yourself. They can visit and be respectful and spend time with their grand child or not. Don’t take any crap.

Your MIL is a narcissist and your SIL is a flying monkey. I’d consider counselling with someone who is trained in this dynamic to help you cope and manage.

Is she doing this in front of your partner/DH?
Sounds like it's very unfair to you.
I'm a new Nan myself to my daughters baby and it can be easy to think you are passing advice but the new parents are probably being inundated with advice from both grandparents as well as other relatives and friends.
If you find it difficult to confront them maybe a message outlining the issues in a group chat that includes babys Dad too

If on her next visit she starts to criticise can you just get up and leave the room with the baby? Go and sit upstairs in your room and chill? I assume the main reason for visiting a lot atm is to see the baby so if you remove the "treat" of the baby perhaps the behaviour might improve? If she'd follow you into your room get a lock for the door.....

@faultybox

OK, you have a DH problem and sounds as if you know that.

My solution would be to tell him "Listen, I've had it up to here with your mother's patronizing and insulting comments. I've spoken to you about it before and tried to get you to speak to her and you've made it clear that you aren't going to do that. You've given me no alternative but to deal with it myself and in my own way. And I'm giving you fair warning that you aren't going to like my way of dealing with it. Next time and every time it happens I'm going to tell her off and to be quiet. If that doesn't work after a few 'tell offs' both DC and I are going NC with her. And I don't want to hear anything from you about it because you've forfeited that right when you refused to tell her off yourself.".

Tell them the visits are too much are that you need time with the baby and babys Dad. Reduce them to once /twice a week max

To be honest that is rude of her. I know many people would be horrified if they felt they were upsetting a mum to a new born actually correction any decent person would be horrified to of upset someone. The fact she bounced it back to you tells me you were right to call her out on it. Perhaps hubby could have a quiet word with her?

Your MIL has way too much to say about your situation. You are an adult, and your DC is your business. The only person your MIL has a say in, is your DH, her son.

She is way too involved with your family and as for SIL, what the hell has anything got to do with her.

LC, and keep it superficial about the weather etc.

100% this ☝️

Tell her to fuck off of course ....

I mean this in the kindest way. You sound a little bit trained to put others needs before your own to survive unhealthy environments. This is great in the short term because it helps you avoid problematic situations so you can get to safety and survive. But it's bad practice in the long term because it eventually becomes learned helplessness.

My therapist helped me deprogram this before by doing this. If a situation arrives and you feel unsure about whether you were unreasonable or not after things calm down write it down as you experienced it. Write down the negative feelings you felt and why you felt them.

Then write it down again but imagine one of the following in your place (a best friend, your daughter, mother or a niece). Ask yourself what advice would you give them in this situation? Do you think they deserved to be treated the way they were treated? Would you have been upset or understanding that they felt the feelings they did? What would you have said to the people who they are interacting with?

Initially this took a lot of practice. But the more I did it the better and faster I got at it and eventually I could do it in real time and I became less tolerant of unhealthy dynamics and it really helped me grow as a person and I took better care of myself, had healthier friendships and dating was a lot less perilous. It made me a better mother too.

Please try this with your in laws it will help you a lot. Good luck!