In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

What a nasty horrible mil, have minimum contact with her and would not have her in my home unless she apologized and get your husband to tell her what she is doing is bullying and just nasty. Commenting on your body and your parenting skills, she sounds like a bitter nasty jealous unhappy woman. Don't let her spoil your special time with your baby. Tell her to just shut the feck up the next time or to get out.

What do you say?? Goodbye for a start. Don't come back, you're not welcome in our home/life/childs life. Or just plain old 'Don't let the door hit uour bum as you leave!!'

Sounds awful. Reminds me of one of my favourite memes tho, thought it might give you a laugh 😂

I'm surprised I've not seen it suggested yet (unless I've missed it) but if you have to be alone for any period of time with them I'd personally record the entire interaction on my phone, each and every time, then each time this is what you deal with then share it with your DH.

You are not the bully here, they are! The fact they are only doing it when your DH is not present speaks volumes.

They are not afraid of you at all. It’s an excuse to criticise you further. First thing is to reduce contact. They sound a right pain in the arse and totally unreasonable.

PIL like this can ruin a marriage. Believe me, I’ve been there. Finally, one day I was told over the phone by FIL that he wasn’t sure he wanted an unbaptised child in his house. I said ‘ Suit yourself, we won’t come again ‘ and I put the phone down. So easy! Such a relief not to have to deal with those nuts again.
it you need a DH behind you who agrees. Good luck.

The people who want her to reply to this woman....she's a new mum.

Who has the time and energy to fight a turf war as a new mum.

Op I've had this and it's definitely a sign of some sort of personality disorder.

I would steer well clear and learn to let them go.
I don't see mil and hope to never see her again. I can't believe this woman got into my life via DH.and ruined so many beautiful moments now gone forever because she's I'll and I...let her.

@faultybox could you try and overwhelm her with kindness and curiosity eg
”oh thank you for thinking about X but we talked about that earlier/ yesterday and finished that discussion. Do you remember?”
“Oh are you thinking about Y again, we did discuss that, is your memory ok?”
“You’re so lovely to b3 so interested but that isn’t a subject I’m going to get into at the moment because I’m busy with Z”
“It’s kind of you to put so much emerging into telling me YOUR worries but I need to focus on …

Has your husband had an orchidectomy ?

You poor love ❤ i've been in your shoes. What is it with some grandparents when a baby arrives. She's flipping jealous as hell and wants to control you - she gets off on belittling you because it makes her feel significant. The baby arrives and suddenly she's not the centre of attention anymore, she says horrid things to break you down and then when you don't give in to her and stand your ground she says it's you that's being horrid. Your DH needs to grow a pair. Some men turn back into little boys when a baby arrives. He's supposed to protect you and your baby above everyone and every thing else, including his mother.

What was your relationship like with DH when it was just the two of you?

Where did MIL/FIL fit in when you were a couple?

How have things changed in comparison pre and post baby?

My MIL was the same. We've been separated for 14 years and my ex and his mother have been having a fight with me since dd was born 18 years ago. They're bonkers but of course I'm a funny bugger. Well yes I must be but I wear that badge with pride - fuck em. I'm early 50s and I became an adult at 18. I don't take orders from anyone and nor should you xx

i stopped visiting the in laws and DH went alone with our son
it drove a wedge

After he left me, MIL said she had started to think of MIL FIL DH and DS as the family unit

Be really wise OP in how you play it

I suffered this same crap for 14 years. It only ended with the death of my MIL to cancer. We are estranged from my FIL now because of his behaviour towards my family (long story) and his only child (my husband). Families can be absolutely appalling. Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

You really can say no to seeing them, you do know that don't you?

They sound like very toxic, nasty people. They’re gaslighting you because you stood up to them. Try to limit contact with them as much as you can. This is a very sensitive time for you as a new mum, the baby blues may still be there and you’re probably not getting much sleep. You need people who will be kind and supportive of you. End of story!

My sister has had 30 years of this. She is the only one of her 3 dils that still has any contact with their mil. The thing is she can be so nice. She’s always lovely when I’m there and I’ve only occasionally seen the other side of her. Luckily her ds knows exactly what she’s like and always stands up for dais otherwise she would have run for the hills by now.

Cut down on their visits. Have them only when your Dh is home. Don’t let him leave you alone with them. Go upstairs to feed. Your choice how to feed and you don’t need to discuss it with them. A happy mummy and fed baby is best. Personally, I would keep conversation with them to a minimum. “Ok” or “I will bear that in mind” is the perfect response. “I think dc should be in the other bedroom”. “Ok”. You’re holding the baby wrongly”. “I’ll bear that in mind”.

She’s not scared she just wants you to continue being her punching bag

Well they sound awful. I would make no reply to them saying they are frightened of you. I think their desire to control is projected as fear that their madness can’t easily be absorbed by you and they are frightened that they can’t get their own way. Don’t engage. Ignore the bossy interference you can’t get anywhere with this sort of bullying. Just carry on in the knowledge you’re the only one who knows your baby. That will grow. Sounds like husband on your side so that’s good.

Do they arrive unannounced on you doorstep and you have to let them in. If not the case invite her/ them only when you OH is at home with you. But, not too many at the same time, as it is not good for baby to breathe in used air.
Good luck.

The in-laws are gaslighters.

OMG!! One of the oldest and sneakiest tricks in the book is to go on the offensive as a form of defense when you know you're in the wrong and have nowhere to hide!! You have made your feelings known on several occasions but she just won't desist! Your facetious, mean spirited and self opinionated MIL knows full well she should butt out but it's obviously gone too far and now her pride has taken over any shred of decency she may or may not have once had...This is a sad and difficult situation that will take a lot of coming back from but I'm with you! She may well find that she is the loser when it comes to being involved in her grandchild's life if she doesn't wise up and eat some humble pie?!! 🤔😥

This is gaslighting. Arrange for them to only visit when your DH is there.

They sound like a horrible pair. They have to realise its your baby and you decide if they are allowed to visit. Your DH needs to know everything that's said and to talk to them about it. They can't say they're scared of him.

Google covert narcissism. I have to deal with this sort of shit from my in-laws too and it’s so toxic. It wears you down. You need support for your partner and a plan of how to manage them going forward. Sending you a huge hug x

Well said UWhatNow!!

I agree. New mums are so vulnerable. Sounds to me like DH is part of the problem, too.

Yyou don't say anything to them dear, you pack your things, grab your baby, and you leave. Don't walk. Run!