In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Write the comments down with dates, say you don’t want to see them anymore. You’re at a vulnerable time on your life and you don’t need to be bullied.

Aw yes. I realize that you just got done pushing a watermelon out of your vagina (or having it cut out of you) but what about me? I'm hungry! Come on make me a sandwich or I'll feel sad and unwelcome! 😂 do these people ever listen to themselves talking? My dad was like this and he was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder... While he was in prison of course! It's painful. He's medicated which waters him down but he's still unbearable and only thinks of himself. He's just less likely to scream or throw punches now. I guess that's nice. 😒🤷🏻‍♀️ Too bad you can't force someone to see the light.

Jeez....she sounds like a crazy woman but is clearly manipulative and out to make you doubt yourself. I would sit down with your DH and both In laws. Tell them you dont appreciate the constant comments. You dont appreciate the MIL idea of fun which is commenting on your size, your abilities etc. and you and your husband wish for this to stop now if they want any input with your children in the future. That simple. Cards on the table...then its up to them.

I have absolutely no advice, except to say you are not alone.
Isn’t it strange how they only say these things when their ds are out of the room and you’re alone.

Enjoy your precious baby and stay strong and stand firm.

Is it possible that two things are occurring? 1. She is overly critical, says things which are highly insensitive or just plain rude and doesn’t react well to criticism or perceived criticism herself (ie “you’ve offended me by saying that” taken by her as a criticism)? But also 2. That some things may be said with the intention of being helpful and you are now hyper aware of all the shitty things she’s said and overreacting a bit?
So, for example, maybe you’ve mentioned wanting to shift any post pregnancy weight a few times as you’ve said it’s something which is on your mind, and she’s responded with “BF is a good way of shifting weight”. And you’ve interpreted that as her saying you need to be BFing and you really need to lose some weight?
I don’t know. I’m just speculating. She sounds like really bloody hard work TBH. I don’t think this should be left to you to deal with. Your DH needs to speak up. On another note I find with people who want to push their opinions on you that a smile and a “I will take that on board. Thank you”. And just do that on repeat again and again until it’s obvious you won’t be taking that on board at all! It tends to shut people up when they realise they’re not managing to bait you!

Can you put a dog camera in the room to record their behaviour? Play it back to them with DH present & see how they react.

When she keeps repeating herself...as in 'I thought room Y is better' maybe ask if she has a problem as its usually a sign of dementia when people keep repeating, ask her if anyone else has noticed. The other thing to do is to set up your computer or ipad to video and turn it on in the room you are entertaining them in. Let your husband see first hand what their behaviour is like.

Now you need to act smart - apologise profusely (no one needs to know you dont mean but really act as if you do). then minimise interactions or invite them over when you have friends over to support you. No one wins when you fall out with inlaws so play smart and vent outside the family. Good luck! BTW her advice is the same advice I was given so at least it's accurate

My husband's mother was like this. But when we first got together. I don't understand the almost incestual nature of these mother's jealousy of their son's female partners. Are they like this with gay son's male partners? I guess the dynamic is different since they can't become pregnant but still...

My husband's mother was so upset that he wanted to settle down with me that she stopped talking to him completely. As if he had cheated on her or something! She stopped talking to him after shouting "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!"

The thing is they had a mostly good relationship up to this point. He later admitted that she did everything she could to stand in his way of having a dating life so he had gotten very secretive. He didn't tell her about me until he had essentially bought the engagement ring. But I just always found that reaction strange. She didn't even want to meet me.

What a horrible pair of narcissists your in-laws are!
What has your partner said about this? I do hope they defend you to their parents.
Personally, I'd say, if that's the way they are saying they feel, then they'd best not visit. Xx

I feel your pain. This happens to me too and she does it when it's only the two of us in the room. DH finally said something to her at Christmas but the things she said to me in the weeks after my baby was born have ruined our relationship forever.

I think you need to stop reacting really, it feeds the classic gas lighting that they are doing to you.

So some examples:

She says "** should be in this room"
You say "You have already said that. We don't agree!" Then simply sit there and say nothing if they keep repeating or going on. Maybe occasionally just say "we don't agree" again. Or just leave yhe room, with child!

*She says "You are holding baby wrong "

You say "I don't agree." and carry on! She repeats, just look at her!

She comments on your weight etc

You say " Yes I did!" And look at her, or leave the room

They say they don't know what to say to you

You say " Oh dear! Oh well!" and just look at them.

All this done calmly and unemotionallly. In other words you don't feed their gas lighting atall.

I do also think your husband has to step up and stand with you on this one. As in "Stop mentioning tge room. We don't agree" and "That is how we hold baby. We don't agree it is wrong" and "She knows about her weight. She doesn't need telling. And I love her as she is so please dont mention it again. It's not helpful!" And so on ...

They sounds horrible and I would have a few more choice words to say. They are gaslighting, tell them to fuck off.

They’re narcissists and they’re feeling threatened because they can’t control you.

I lived my whole life with two like this. Stick to what you’re doing. You’re amazing xxx

Even if she really ment some of these comments to help YOU she worded them in a way that upsets you so she would still be in the wrong and shouldnt defend herself when she should be apologising.

I think we all share your support for op but do you HAVE to post with so much ageism and misogyny @Missingpop? You’ll be an older woman one day - will you want to be called a crone, a prune, a miserable old witch, a fat cow just because you happen to be female and older? It’s counterintuitive because all the things you accuse the MIL of, you actually sound pretty nasty and bigoted yourself.

Set boundaries, inform your husband of those boundaries and stick to them. If he won't support you and do something about this then you have a DH problem and you need to tell him that if he doesn't support you on this, your marriage will be greatly affected as it will be hard to respect someone who cares so little about the mental health of their wife. When the baby gets older, this will probably get worse rather than better. If you need to, write it down and continue to write it down so you're clear in your head about what has happened and no one can gaslight you.

No, she’s playing the victim card because you’ve dared to stand your ground. Good for you. Your baby, your way. Remind her of the old saying-if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all! (Polite version) Its hard being a new mum, you don’t want constant criticism. Tell her politely you’re sorry they feel this way but you have other priorities right now other than wondering if they’re offended. And keep being brilliant!!!!!

What’s DARVO?

It's a form of gaslighting. When challenged, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.

6 weeks. Crumbs you need peace and quiet and to be a hermit and bond with baby. Stop or limit all contact until 3 months unless they do useful things like cleaning laundry and cooking. Limit time to 1 hour visit. You need time to recover and learn about what works for you. I had the same I wrote I list of what I needed and limited time to one hour. That was for me to shower and have some food then out the door. You need boundaries. It's about your sanity. Baby is feeding every 2 hours and you are exhausted add their constant whinging I would show them the door.

This is coercive control and if you do not put a stop to it now it will only get worse, do you want them controlling your children as they are trying to control you.
You must speak to your husband and tell him this must stop NOW, not next week not next month NOW, and if he is not prepared to put his wife and child first then you need to get out, he obviously is controlled too by them.

I had a MIL like that. She seemed ok (a bit weird) until I had a baby - her first grandchild - then she went full narc on me.

She told me I did the washing wrong, didn't wrap the baby warm enough, my cooking was shit, I'd put on too much weight and didn't lose it fast enough, I was a prude, I was wrong to put baby to sleep on back (which was definitely the advice at that time), I was too sensitive, I was too rigid, I was too careful with baby.

I've seen her once, for a few hours, in the last 4 years, so that's how things worked out for us.

Some strategies for you:
Don't ever be alone with her.
Record her to let your DH hear.
Carry a notebook and pen when you see her and theatrically make a note of all her comments. When she asks, tell her your planning on writing a parenting book with all her useful advice.
Tell her your concerned about her memory as she's already asked you about the bedroom 50 times and you've answered. In fact, book her an appointment at a memory clinic and when she gets angry about it start crying and tell her you were only trying to help.

They’re gaslighting you. Tell DH to sort it out, this is not your problem it’s theirs and in the meantime no contact until they find a way to communicate amicably.

Put your boundaries up and look after yourself You don’t need them to like you but they need you to like them if they ever plan on being real grandparents

DARVO is spot on. Your SIL was clearly trained by an expert. If your husband refuses to join them that’s good, but also bear in mind this was his upbringing… unless he is already open with you about how abusive and nasty this behavior is, take care. So be watchful for it creeping into his own parenting style/treatment of you - especially if it’s your first child together. If he strays into that territory make sure the first time is also the last…