In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Just to add, whenever they gaslight you, tell her "I see what you are doing here, and I don't appreciate you gaslighting me and calling me crazy and sensitive".

Let her look it up on google, and see that it is in the context of being a narcissist.

IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.

So sorry you’re experiencing this. As if being a new Mum isn’t hard enough, you have these tw*ts to deal with! Hope your husband is supporting you?

As others have said, they’re not scared of you. They just don’t like their toxic actions being challenged so are doubling down on you. It’s manipulative and out of order.

I would be calmly stating that you’re uncomfortable being around them and will be taking a step back from seeing them until they can realise and adjust their problematic behaviour. You are in control here, never forget that.

Good luck, and do what you’ve gotta do to protect your well-being!

💯 agree. If she was scared of you those comments would not of been made in the first place. Clearly she has no respect for you or even her DC to be talking to his wife like that.

If you hadn't of said anything it would of got worse and worse over time. I agree that unless a major attitude change from your in laws occurs minimal contact is the way to go. Life is too short to tolerate such nasty behaviour x

OMG you dealing with a narcissist. There is plenty of info on how to deal with them on YouTube.

Do as she says and act crazy, then! Bark at her when she arrives at the door, bite her, then tell her to F off.

So sorry for you sound like you are being a brilliant mum(Gold star for you)Dint invoke them sounds like they don’t like the truth have very very little involvement (there loss)Keep up brilliant work

Have you tried just changing the subject?
MIL ´You should have tried harder to breastfeed because you’re too fat’
You ‘What do you think about Prince Harry’s new book?’
MIL ´You have obviously put your eldest in the wrong room and if I keep telling you that maybe one you’ll agree with me’
You ´Have you decided where you’re going for your holiday yet?’
MIL ´Your child should have milk every morning. Clearly you know nothing about mothering’
You ´Do you want a biscuit with your tea today?’

It’s all crap and you’ve heard it all before. So ignore and move the conversation on.

Next time she criticises you, just tell DH and PIL it's time to go as you don't want to frighten them. And leave.

I might be off the mark...but are they perhaps from a different culture to you ? I've often seen these types of things happening when one culture is for example used to setting the standards, sharing wisdom etc with new mom's and it is understood and expected a daughter in law would find it helpful ? If yes - try to understand their customs and expectations and compromise on both sides. If its not cultural...start to create distance as this will cause a lot of stress

I’d start keeping my phone on record when they’re around because they’re bound to put their foot in it again. I don’t know if I’ve misunderstood but it sounds like they’re trying to gaslight you by saying they’re scared of you and wanting you to think you’re going crazy. (hopefully) it’s not working!

I have very rude and controlling in laws, well fil, mil died recently. Thankfully in my family dh, bil and sil acknowledge their parents are very difficult which obviously makes it much easier. I always challenge them, sometimes quite briefly, fil has now started making digs at my kids and so I’m very keen to challenge him, I’m not having them questioning themselves because fil is a dick. I limit contact and I shut down conversations I don’t want to have. It’s important to accept it’s not you, it’s them, they want to control things. Once you accept that it’s much easier to not take it personally and not get upset. The fact your dh isn’t on board is a concern and your biggest problem tbh.

This exactly.... Please find a strategy for managing it with your husband. If he is conflicted get your support from a friend, not him, and find a way to limit contact with his family. You may have to set boundaries with DH too if he is not onside but I hope he is - this is unacceptable behaviour from all your in-laws.

I would probably live up to my In-laws low opinion of me and tell them to foxtrot oscar.

I always find it interesting that they supposedly feel scared of your reactions yet are perfectly comfortable enough to nitpick at your parenting, your looks and even embarrass you in-front of others. The reality is most likely that they are the sort of folk who like to add their two pence, criticise and act rude but don’t like to be held accountable.
Did you have a good relationship before your little one was born? The reason I ask is because your in laws (in my opinion) seem to be looking at things to criticise you for deliberately - and that’s not okay. I would definitely set firm boundaries and let them know that they don’t get to disrespect your parenting - especially in your home (or anywhere). If the family are taking their side, it’s likely they don’t know the extent this has gotten and probably only have what they are told or what little they have seen. My best friends ex mother in law used to deliberately make her out to be overly sensitive, and almost like she was picking on her for trying to help. I seen it every time I was around them. If I didn’t know my best friend or the situation, it could easily have looked how her mother in law would try to present it. You do not need this, neither your partner and baby. It might be worth taking some time away from them and make a point that you will not tolerate their attempts to bully and gaslight you. It’s not playing games - it’s setting boundaries.

I’m not sure if you’ll get to read this but…
YOUR MOTHER IN LAW IS A MASSIVE C U N T!!

she should be scared of you, her behaving that way, who the F does she think she is?!

good lord who made her the queen of perfect?! Post her name so I can troll her on Facebook the bellend!!!

i’ll prolly get banned for this post but it was worth it.

stay away from that witch and tell your husband she can fuck off too!!!

She’s done a Megan’s and Harry on you! Provoked and behaved terribly but come out first with the tears and painted you as the rude and difficult one.

OP don't worry about your horrible PILs, SIL and unsupportive dickhead husband. You spell it out to him: you can no longer tolerate being bullied, criticized and berated by his family. You will no longer have them in your house, if he wants to see them or for them to see the baby, then HE VISITS THEM. If he won't respect that, you book yourself a hotel/spa for the entire duration of their visit or go away to see your family and friends.
Stick to your guns, get them out of your life. What nasty people, you don't deserve or need to put up with any of their bullshit.

Screaming at my phone reading this!!
why can’t people let us raise our children? Why do they throw their pennies in like it’s a
wishing well!!
I HAD a MIL who was a evil evil woman. I nearly got divorced and was at breakdown point. She ruined my few years of being a mum….sadly I can’t have a second child and I can never forgive her. Hence my words I HAD!

Please please don’t let her destroy this precious time like mine did. Put some barriers in place. Like how often she comes round, making sure DH is in the same room as her. Any snarky comments you tell DH in front of her and he deals with it.

This is woman needs a good shake and I hope she gets it before she causes any serious damage

Gaslighting springs to mind. How horrible they sound

I completely understand how you feel. I have a similar problem, but with my own parents :( they don't make as many awful comments as those you are having, but they constantly comment on how I live my life and how they believe I could do things better.

I imagine if your DH has been brought up by these narcissistic parents, then he has been putting up with comments like this for years - unless he is the "chosen one" and another sibling has taken the brunt of it. He may find it easier to keep quiet than confront their crazy opinions and comments.

When I tell other people the comments my parents have made I can see the look of incredulity on their faces. It's really easy to say "tell them to f off" etc, but being undermined by a parent figure is just downright confusing, and personally I am not the type to have shouty arguments.

My self-esteem has been shot by the constant judgement I have received, so when I hear comments putting me down I can easily believe them. It's only now my kids are 13 and 10 that I have finally found my voice.

I stood up for myself for the first time last week and had a conversation with my mum that I was worried for her and how negative her comments have become - maybe you should see a counsellor/doctor etc and it completely backfired. She took it very badly, stomped out and said she was never setting foot in my house again (my own mother!).

I was broken for a couple of days and then had an epiphany - her reaction to my completely reasonable and calmly delivered comments was entirely up to her. I feel so much better having had the (very hard) conversation, but I managed to not lose my shit when I did it.

I hope this helps and that you are able to perhaps have this conversation with your other half around - my folks are definitely kinder when my other half is present. Hopefully he can balance it out and help them to understand that their behaviour is not normal, although this may be really hard for him to admit or do anything about.

Mine told me I never make her feel welcome because when DS was one day old I didn’t make her lunch when she came round.

some people, are just going to be those people. I opted for no contact for six month and it was delightful, DH spoke to her about her behaviour and now we have a harmonious but limited relationship.

Nah. This is what emotionally abusive bullies say so they look like the victim. If she's that scared of you she's doing a great job of hiding it under a stream of criticism and abuse. Please tell your husband that you don't expect them to treat you like that, and know that you are not a horrible person. Have faith that you're a decent person which is why your husband married you and trust that you know what's best for your baby. If your IL are "scared" of you, it's only because you won't kowtow to them and do exactly as they say. Which is how it should be.

They are gaslighting you. Just don’t see them unless your husband is present.

It sounds like there wrong on both sides and maybe just a case of both sides not gelling well together. I think if all the family are agreeing with the grandparents then it’s unlikely that they’re awful people and maybe you are taking things differently to how they’re meant? She sounds like she means well and maybe she’s just trying to help by giving you all her ‘advice’, even if it’s not being received that way.