To put up with him to see kids 100% time

[Nevisonspad]

NC, been around a while. Looking for some support/advice please.

Been with husband over 20 years, married for 10. 2 DC, 8 and 5. Since children came along, he’s been increasingly emotionally abusive. Big cycles where he doesn’t speak to me for many weeks other than to shout that I’m a vile and nasty person. I used to argue but now I barely engage. No trigger, no rationale, he just goes into a mood and it lasts like this for weeks. I try to minimise the impact on the kids by staying cheerful and eventually he comes out of it and we’re ‘normal’ for a while, then he starts calling me a nasty piece of work again. Kids seem happy enough though I know it will have an effect on them and I hate that this demonstrates a ‘relationship’ to them. He only shouts this stuff at me, not at the kids.

No affairs or anything that I know of on either side. He’s had some big stresses in his family over the years whereas my family is tight-knit. His dad was a serial adulterer and alcoholic but they kept up appearances until his parents eventually divorced quite recently. ‘D’H hasn’t I think dealt with this, puts his dad on a pedestal and claims I have a problematic relationship with my family, which I don’t. He doesn’t have an alcohol problem and apart from all the shit he gives me is otherwise a good dad.

The years go by and at least a third of the year he isn’t speaking to me. Obviously I would have left him years ago, but I don’t want to see the kids only half the time, which is what would happen I think if I divorce him. I know it’s crap for the kids to see him shouting at me but most of the time it’s the silent treatment and I try to minimise it to the kids by just saying dad is grumpy again. (I know the silent treatment they see him giving me is also damaging, but it seems better than constant blazing rows). I’m financially ok, work full-time.

My plan is to leave when my younger one leaves home, and until then put up with it in order to see the kids 100% of the time rather than 50/50. Once they have flown the nest there is nothing keeping me here, as he knows. The ‘down’ bit of the cycle where he ignores me and shouts at me has grown longer over the years so that it makes up a bigger proportion of the year, but otherwise it hasn’t gotten worse - nothing physical.

I have a sense of humour and I’m not depressed. I’m busy with work and kids and have family and some friends, though never enough time to see friends. My closest friend knows the situation and agrees with my plan to put up with him until the youngest leaves home, then leave. I don’t act as a doormat around my ‘D’H, I avoid him as much as possible when he’s abusive.

My AIBU is can I put up with him for the next 13 years (say) to see the kids 100% of time? I’ve gotten very close to leaving at points, even engaged a solicitor, but I can’t bring myself to do anything which means I can’t live with the kids 100% of the time. On mumsnet I see lots of people saying LTB under many scenarios. I’m not physically abused, and I’m strong enough and with enough family and friend support that his emotional abuse doesn’t hurt me other than for me to think what an entitled pillock he is to impinge his moods on my and my children’s lives like this. I think there must be lots of people on mumsnet who have made this same bargain with themselves - put up with crap from their ‘D’H so as to live with their kids 100% time. Or is it somehow impossible to do so and everyone ends up leaving before the kids have left home?

Obviously he could leave me, in which case the choice is made for me. I don’t hate him, and I’m happy in myself, but the love I had for him has really ebbed away and I imagine myself single when the kids have flown. Posting now as yet again we’re 3 weeks into a ‘down’ cycle (started just after a genuinely happy Christmas) and I’m fed up with him impinging his moods on me and the kids. We’ve been to counselling, didn’t change anything.

Thanks for reading this.

AIBU - leave him, even if it means kids shared 50/50

YANBU - it’s not really getting worse, even if it is crap, so it’s reasonable to stay to see the kids 100% time.

No don’t put up with this for another 13 years, you only have one life. I bet he wouldn’t go for 50:50 anyway.

Please leave him

YABU purely for the fact that this will be more damaging to your kids in the long run. Do you think they are going to thank you once they see how emotionally abusive your husband is, yet you've chosen to keep them in that environment? After a certain age, your kids will have the right to say what they would prefer, so why would you realistically have to wait that long to sort out your life?

It's your life obviously, but have you considered how your DC may be impacted by your relationship? Particularly as they get older. That would be my main concern.

Secondly it would be that it'd be a shame that you can't start living a real happy and fulfilling life until they leave. But if you think that's what's best for you, then it's your call.

I'd try keep DC at the heart of it if possible and think about the ways this situation may transpire in their adult relationships. How might you feel if you saw them living with emotional abuse and / or only staying for the children?

Sending love. It doesn't sound easy x

You are grossly minimising the impact this horrendously toxic home life will have on your children's future. I feel very, very sorry for your kids. Sorry to be blunt, but you are complicit in the abuse they are suffering at this point. You have the ability to leave. Do so immediately.

The question I think you should be asking is:

Have I doomed my children to think this horrible disfunctional relationship is what they should aspire to in life?

OR

Is there time for me to leave and have me be happy and my children realise that decent normal relationships are achievable.

At your childrens' ages, I'd probably leave and hope the years of watching and hearing my father blank and be abusive to my mother won't have super long term effects.

Also you are a person who deserves happiness too.

But honestly reading your post, what struck me most is the horrible example you are giving your children of a relationship. Of course this may be your DH's fault but that doesn't matter much. You can change this.

You can’t be unhappy for so many years! You only get one life, what a waste that would be.

Emotional abuse could very easily lead to physical. Leave before things get worse - you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

My sister stayed and I would say the kids really damaged by this. He was not physical but lots of emotional abuse and just being abusive in a mean way, verbally awful and lots of sulking etc. They wish she had left earlier. It did get worse and my sister has no self esteem left. I hope you make the right decision for you and the children.

Seek legal advice as this man won't go down without a fight. You need as close to watertight contingency plans. Tell the legal adviser about his personality and potential reactions to leaving him and other disputes likely to arise. He'll get nasty. Hey he already is. Try to protect your kids from seeing the fall out and don't wait for the next 13 years. You're not alone as you have your strong family behind you.

Your children are being ABUSED here

You THINK you know what impact it has on your children
But you have NO IDEA !

"I try to minimise the impact on the kids by staying cheerful and eventually he comes out of it and we’re ‘normal’ for a while, then he starts calling me a nasty piece of work again. Kids seem happy enough though I know it will have an effect on them and I hate that this demonstrates a ‘relationship’ to them. He only shouts this stuff at me, not at the kids."

You KNOW this is harming them now, and harming their chances of having healthy relationships in their adulthood. You are really minimising the impact this is all having on them, and you need to give yourself a shake. You are prioritising yourself, prioritising having them all the time over their welfare - can you not see how selfish this actually is?

And why are you assuming he'll even want the children 50% of he time? It really doesn't sound that likely to me. He might go entirely the other way and wash his hands of them completely. So please, don't keep your children in this toxic environment, get them and yourselves out of it.

Very much this. This is not a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. There’s nothing to say that your husband will want the kids 50% of the time. You’ve already had counselling, time to protect the children and end the marriage

Please don't stay, this will cause terrible damage to your children.

If he’s a good dad to the kids, you realise you’re putting your desire to see them 100% of the time over their well being?

I think you should think about that for a bit. You aren’t protecting them by staying, you’re exposing them, 100% of the time, to a wholly dysfunctional household.

In a few years time, when they’re teenagers, they’re probably going to start copying him, ignoring you when they’re in a bad mood. Taking their stresses and moods out on you. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky they’ll copy you and put up with abusive partners Instead.

No!

Leave him asap.

You don't want to give this abusive man anymore years of your life. You and you children deserve happiness.

And you're seriously deluded if you think his behaviour won't be affecting the kids. It's possible you won't notice how much it affects them until you're out of the situation but I can guarantee you they'll be better off without living in his shadow.

It may not be 50/50 op.

The children are suffering by you staying and them living in this environment. Seeing them slightly less but improved emotional well-being for you and them is far better than staying in the same house with this man.

this

Please do not raise your children in this toxic environment. They will notice, and it will fuck them up so badly once they realise what things are really like. Please take your kids and leave him.

@NumberTheory has it spot on.

sorry OP but this is actually quite selfish of you. You are confident that you are not being affected by your DHs abuse and so you ignore it in order to ensure you can be with the kids all the time. You’re putting your desires above what is actually good for them. They won’t thank you in the future. You need to leave him.

That's fucking your kids up

Stop being a crap mother and take them out of an abusive relationship situation. It's extremely poor parenting to allow this to continue.

Do you think he would even want them 50/50?

I think it’s harming them more than you think, really. You don’t want them growing up thinking that this is what a good or normal relationship looks like, and they will, because it’s what is modeled for them.

Think about them grown up, with a partner who treats them this way. It probably feels terrible to imagine, doesn’t it? But that might be where they end up, because it’s what they know.

I’m really sorry you have to make this choice. It isn’t fair, and I think some of the responses here have been needlessly harsh. But the advice, to me, feels correct. This IS damaging to your kids, and also 13 years is such a long time to live with this crap.

Best of luck.

Please leave. There will always be a practical reason not to do so, and kids don't leave home at 18 these days either. Don't put yourself and your kids through this any longer.

What makes you think your child will leave home at 18?

This isn’t fair on them at all. And I don’t know why so many women are convinced their utterly shit husbands are going to turn into super dad when they get divorced. He’s a shit dad and he’ll be a shit dad when you divorce.

My DH is currently in counselling in his mid 30's dealing with anxiety from living through exactly what you are describing. His Mum didn't leave. My husband and his siblings speak openly about how their mum should have left for their sake. 100% you are damaging your children.