To put up with him to see kids 100% time

[Nevisonspad]

NC, been around a while. Looking for some support/advice please.

Been with husband over 20 years, married for 10. 2 DC, 8 and 5. Since children came along, he’s been increasingly emotionally abusive. Big cycles where he doesn’t speak to me for many weeks other than to shout that I’m a vile and nasty person. I used to argue but now I barely engage. No trigger, no rationale, he just goes into a mood and it lasts like this for weeks. I try to minimise the impact on the kids by staying cheerful and eventually he comes out of it and we’re ‘normal’ for a while, then he starts calling me a nasty piece of work again. Kids seem happy enough though I know it will have an effect on them and I hate that this demonstrates a ‘relationship’ to them. He only shouts this stuff at me, not at the kids.

No affairs or anything that I know of on either side. He’s had some big stresses in his family over the years whereas my family is tight-knit. His dad was a serial adulterer and alcoholic but they kept up appearances until his parents eventually divorced quite recently. ‘D’H hasn’t I think dealt with this, puts his dad on a pedestal and claims I have a problematic relationship with my family, which I don’t. He doesn’t have an alcohol problem and apart from all the shit he gives me is otherwise a good dad.

The years go by and at least a third of the year he isn’t speaking to me. Obviously I would have left him years ago, but I don’t want to see the kids only half the time, which is what would happen I think if I divorce him. I know it’s crap for the kids to see him shouting at me but most of the time it’s the silent treatment and I try to minimise it to the kids by just saying dad is grumpy again. (I know the silent treatment they see him giving me is also damaging, but it seems better than constant blazing rows). I’m financially ok, work full-time.

My plan is to leave when my younger one leaves home, and until then put up with it in order to see the kids 100% of the time rather than 50/50. Once they have flown the nest there is nothing keeping me here, as he knows. The ‘down’ bit of the cycle where he ignores me and shouts at me has grown longer over the years so that it makes up a bigger proportion of the year, but otherwise it hasn’t gotten worse - nothing physical.

I have a sense of humour and I’m not depressed. I’m busy with work and kids and have family and some friends, though never enough time to see friends. My closest friend knows the situation and agrees with my plan to put up with him until the youngest leaves home, then leave. I don’t act as a doormat around my ‘D’H, I avoid him as much as possible when he’s abusive.

My AIBU is can I put up with him for the next 13 years (say) to see the kids 100% of time? I’ve gotten very close to leaving at points, even engaged a solicitor, but I can’t bring myself to do anything which means I can’t live with the kids 100% of the time. On mumsnet I see lots of people saying LTB under many scenarios. I’m not physically abused, and I’m strong enough and with enough family and friend support that his emotional abuse doesn’t hurt me other than for me to think what an entitled pillock he is to impinge his moods on my and my children’s lives like this. I think there must be lots of people on mumsnet who have made this same bargain with themselves - put up with crap from their ‘D’H so as to live with their kids 100% time. Or is it somehow impossible to do so and everyone ends up leaving before the kids have left home?

Obviously he could leave me, in which case the choice is made for me. I don’t hate him, and I’m happy in myself, but the love I had for him has really ebbed away and I imagine myself single when the kids have flown. Posting now as yet again we’re 3 weeks into a ‘down’ cycle (started just after a genuinely happy Christmas) and I’m fed up with him impinging his moods on me and the kids. We’ve been to counselling, didn’t change anything.

Thanks for reading this.

AIBU - leave him, even if it means kids shared 50/50

YANBU - it’s not really getting worse, even if it is crap, so it’s reasonable to stay to see the kids 100% time.

Please leave. The effect of emotional abuse on children is just as damaging as them being exposed to physical abuse. OP you know that this is harmful for them to be exposed to. You do not want your children to believe that this is what healthy relationships look like.
As other posters have said - he may not want 50/50??
Anyway I'm really sorry you're in this shitty scenario. It must be completely draining for you, but another 13 years of emotional abuse would be extremely damaging for not only the kids but you as well

Well by staying in this incredibly toxic relationship, with you being as chirpy as a budgie to try to make it seem like things are normal for your children, you will get to spend 100% of your time with them. Of course, they will leave home as soon as they possibly can and then spend as little time as possible with you for putting them through this horrendous childhood and no doubt blame you for the mental health issues they are very likely to have. Are you totally insane to contemplate spending the next 13 years with the useless man you chose to marry? Talk about doubling down on your losses. If you care about your children, even a little bit, get out of this horrible dysfunctional relationship.

It’s not just you “putting up” with it. Your children are living in a toxic environment where their mother is treated badly for a large part of the year. Your children are internalising this behaviour and will be assuming this is the way relationships work. Wouldn’t you rather show them that a person doesn’t have to put up with bad behaviour? Give yourself a chance to be happy and give your children a chance to live in a household not filled with toxic atmosphere.

Sorry this is short but I couldn’t not post - just agreeing from experience that this is definitely negatively affecting your kids as well and could have lifelong repercussions.

please leave for all your sakes x

You will be putting the kids through this for another 13 years.

This will be affecting them. They will know what's going on.

There is the danger of them continuing this behaviour for another generation.

How will you feel in 13 years time when you finally escape and feel free, only to witness your children following your example and entering dysfunctional/potentially abusive relationships of their own? Of course that’s not a guarantee, but you are modelling to them what they should expect in a relationship, day after day, month after month, year after year. Your desire to be with them 100% of the time doesn’t come above their right to have a healthy, stable, happy home life.

Agree with virtually everyone else that you need to leave for the kids sake more than your own, although you count too! Also everyone saying the kids may end up in abusive relationships I.e being abused - that's true - but they may also turn out to be abusive themselves after watching their dad getting away with it for years. Inflicting more abusers on other people in future years!

Break the cycle for your DC

They're normalising your marriage and will model future relationships on this

Your DC will be learning from their dad in the same way that he did from his. They will grow up with very warped ideas about romantic relationships, which will leave them in danger of toxic and abusive relationships from their teens onwards.

Leave him.

Seriously, do you really think that your kids will come out if this unscathed? They’re damaged already, & so are you to imagine that it’s all OK apart from the incredible sulk.

Please leave - you are doing your kids nothing but damage.

I stayed in a similar situation, deciding to leave when the kids were old enough. I left when they were 20 and 18. I'd been putting on a good front like you are, for all those years. After I left, and I was able to have some serious and honest conversations with the kids, they both said very strongly "Why didn't you leave before ? We knew how horrible he was, we just wished and wished that you'd stop smiling and just pack up and leave". They both have ZERO contact with him now, at their own wish, but he doesn't bother to make any effort anyway so it's no great loss. I just feel awful that I actually made things worse for them, when I thought I was making it better.

I was the child of these parents. Lots of emotional and verbal abuse, no physical abuse. I'm sorry to say it's extremely damaging whether you can tell at the moment or not (the impact on my mental health started to become apparent around age 10-11, before that I appeared to be a happy kid). My parents separating was the best thing that ever happened to me. Although then my mum got in another abusive relationship, but that's another story. Please don't let your kids think this is okay, which is what you're telling them every day by staying. If you have boys they'll grow up to be abusers and if you have girls they'll grow up to be abused I'm afraid.

Is he likely to want 50/50? That would involve effort. With a bit of luck he might just go and none of you will have to put up with him again.
Speak to womens aid.

Kids learn from their parents. If you have a son, do you want him to think, it is ok to that a future wife or partner the way that you get treated? If you have a daughter, do you want her to think that, it is ok to be treated the way that you have been treated?

Everyone else has said it all.

Please leave. Your DC are not happy, and they will internalise this dysfunction.

You think you are doing ok. I rationalised my abusive marriage that way. But deep down I was perpetually sad, beaten down & carrying a huge burden.

My life post-separation has been hard; but undoubtedly DC & I are happier, at a fundamental level.

This is no way to live.

Please do not put them through this for another (at least) 13 years. You think you’re shielding them but you’re not.

My mother waited until I was 16 and working to leave. My entire childhood was spent living with parents who essentially hated each other. Arguments, shouting, sulking/weeks of not talking and occasionally physical violence. I knew what was going on and I hated it. I willed my mother to leave but that was always her plan - when I was older. I wish she’d done it when I was young and had the chance of a normal, happy childhood.

This isn’t just about your DC. YOU deserve happiness and a peaceful life too.

This was such a sad read, I understand your reasons but I think you and your children deserve so much more than this.

(On a practical note...would he even go for 50/50 custody?)

We nagged my mum to leave my dad as he was like this - it's abuse and you're teaching your kids that it's acceptable. My mum finally left my dad at the age of 71.
Leave. It won't get better.

I lived with a partner who would give me the silent treatment for weeks. It was learned behaviour - his dad used to do the same to his mum, and he hated his dad for it, but he still did it to me (and hated himself for it too). Please do think seriously about how your dcs will be internalising this and could potentially carry on the cycle in the future.

This is not a good environment for the children (please dont say they dont see it)and if he is like he is, you will probably have them more than 50/50.

I planned the same thing
kids are now in their 20s and still living at home ,they can’t afford to move out .
so if I divorced him now and took half they would loose their home .
rents where we live are astronomical and their only hope is living at home rent free to save for a morgage.
that’s going to take years ,council houses here have families in B and B for years ,so nothing doing there.
sadly my daughter notices everything and keeps on at me to divorce him ,but realises I’d be puttIng her brothers on the street if I did .
half the money of house each ,means a one bed house each ..
would of been much easier for me to separate when they were at school ,as I’d of got child tax credits.
but like u ,was trying to keep the family together

You are being very selfish and only thinking about yourself here. For your kids sake you need to leave. You need to show them that his behaviour is not acceptable, that this is not a normal relationship, that leaving isn't the end of the world. You are choosing the easy way out by staying, leaving takes guts, but your kids and their mental health are definitely worth it.

Please leave him.

It is damaging the kids no matter how you react to it. And not standing up to that is teaching them how to act as well.

Eventually it will be directed at the kids.

I left once it was directed at mine as that seemed a good enough reason. But you are a good enough reason.

I give my kids the best 12 days out of 14 that I can. I have tried to teach them things so they aren't as affected by him.

One thing I want you to understand is they will not thank you for staying, they will as adults tell you that you should have left.

As others have said, this is hugely damaging for your children and no way for any of you to exist. I say exist because it certainly doesn’t sound like a life to me.

none of us know how many years we have left, why waste them in this way?

get out, make a life for yourself and your children that isn’t full of toxicity.

This will definitely be affecting your children, you just don’t see it yet. If they haven’t already they will start to dread your husband’s moods and it will start to affect them mentally.

oh and he isn’t a good dad, he is abusive to their mum, he is a shit dad.

do yourself and your kids a favour and leave, you will probably find a massive weight off your shoulders if you do as you won’t be constantly thinking what mood he is going to be in.

there is no guarantee he will have the kids 50% of the time, if he does, then that’s good, the quality of the time with his kids “might’ be of good quality , it might not, if it isn’t you can take the steps to protect your children.

you only have one life, just go live it, it will be better for you and your kids