Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

OP hasn't answered if there is any supervision in the playground or at the gates. She's said parents walk the DCs in but that doesn't mean there's no staff on duty in the mornings to ensure everyone gets to where they need to go.

Yanbu and honestly it's disgusting to leave a child in YOUR care outside the school gates instead of walking him to his class. The posters saying pay for child care etc are disgusting also. I wouldn't trust this person again.

Actually we're all saying the same thing. DCs can be dropped at gates from age 5 because the school has supervision in the playground and at the gates. You're deliberately not answering whether or not there are staff at the gates and in the playground.
If your school has no-one supervising then that means random people from the street can wander into the building. That's not only lax. It's negligent.
Just because parents walk their DCs into their classroom shouldn't mean there is no other supervision.

A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work

Do you mean “A few friends do me a massive favour, they all take my child to school on different days because I have to work”

Im sure she didn’t mean to leave him. If it bothers you so much you need to find someone else who can do this day

My DS has just turned 6 and knows to make his own way into school from the gates

Also one more thing. For those of you whose kids get dropped off at the gate outside, that is a totally different situation. If the procedure is to drop the child off at the classroom then that's what should be done. This parent managed to do her own children's drop off safely she knows the drill.
Not by the gate, not outside the gate, not next to the gate, to the classroom.

Let's say your kids ARE meant to be dropped at the gate but they were left on the corner kind of near the gate would that be ok? No. You'd expect them to be walked to the gate and entry is ensured.
Really pissed off for the OP that this woman laughed it off.
Favour or not you have agreed to the responsibility!

personally I’d look into a school breakfast club.
My school has classroom drop off but for any reason it doesn’t happen then there are plenty of staff in the playground to help direct children. Was there no members of staff there to help him?
She was in the wrong not to realise and to laugh it off, I wouldn’t be asking her to do it again. Well done to your little boy for finding someone he recognises. I’d also encourage him to walk straight into the school and find a member of staff if he is unsure or if anything similar happens again.

Wow some of the responses on here. I mean god forbid, you go out to work and ask your friend who is taking her own kids to school, to drops yours in too🤷‍♀️.

This is regular thing at my DC school. No one is forced to do it, we all look out for each other. For example one of the kids dads passed away last year, so we help mum out if shes working early shift etc.

We dont know OPs domestic stiation.
From the brief detail we have , she seems to be doing her best for her kiddo. Im sure she would much rather be the one taking him to school.
Judgemental arseholes some of you.

They’d have rang you to ask where he was surely. Don’t bother asking her again - it does seem an unusual set up x

That. If she toko your DC in every day, she wouldn't forget him. But this was the first time in ages that she'd done or so she was it of the habit. He wasn't by her side when it was time to go in as he was playing with another child, and he simply didn't register. She went into school drop off autopilot. It's not great, but it is understandable, and I don't for a moment think it was intentional.

Is your friend ok at the moment? A few years ago when I was on the verge of a breakdown (that noone knew about) I left a friends daughter in a park when a group of us went. I had completely forgotten I was supposed to take her home. (I hasnt brought her there and she was playing with other kids in the group, not my ds…but still). I didnt even realise i had forgotten until another friend called and said shed dropped said child off.
I was mortified, absoluetly gutted and totally embarrased. The friend concerned actually turned up at my house and brought me chocolate, hugged me, sat me down and asked if i was ok. It was the kindest thing anyone had done for me in years and I’ll never forget her grace and understanding.
sometimes people arent ok but dont want to let you down.

MN is weirdly obsessed with everyone paying for all forms of help with children. Like if you haven’t paid them, it should be expected that friends/family will leave your kids in the street. So bizarre.

OPs school is one that expects 5 year olds to be handed over to a class teacher. DSs school has the same rule so doesn’t seem odd to me. If that’s the rule it doesn’t matter how capable the child is of finding their class.

It doesn’t matter if the friend suddenly decided it was too much of a chore, adults communicate. If she was unhappy, tell the other mums in the drop off group.

Not the point of the thread, but does everyone take their children to class? We’ve always dropped at school gate, parents don’t enter the school grounds.

First few months the kids get allocated a buddy to walk them in, then they go by themselves after that (or with whomever arrives at the same time).

What a BS answer. You don't assume anything when a child is in your care. You make sure they reach their classroom safely. If the parent doesn't want to help out then they say no. Lots of people are happy to do this as a favour without demanding (greedy) payments for it.

I wouldn't ask her to take him again. I think a child minder would be a safer option if your friend is that forgetful.

Read the thread.

They are a group of mums that take it in turns. This is the first time that mum’s done it in 2 months.

She’s already said she’s got alternate arrangements ready to go.

Their school rules are kids get handed over at the classroom. No dropping at gates, so even if her DC was fully able to do the walk, they’re not supposed to.

Well done to your son!

The OP said the friend passes her door and just picks him up for the 2 min walk to school.

How much of an obligation is that? @Forgooodnesssakenow

I’m not deliberately not answering. I don’t get what the fixation is on this. Member of staff comes and opens the gates at drop of time and stands by gates waiting while all parents go in and walk thier children to the relevant classrooms. It’s a big school with a field to cross. Children in years 4 plus are encouraged to walk off by themselves so are dropped at gate. The younger ones are taken to class
during this time there is a member of staff at gate but no other staff members milling around. They are waiting by classroom doors to greet the children

I understand you’re worried but I do think YABU. It’s a massive favour to ask of friends and if you want it done a certain way, then really, you need to be doing it yourself or paying someone.
That being said, how you handle it depends on how important it is to you to speak about it to her, or whether you can let it go. IMO it sounds like absent mindedness, if she’s got three children of her own, that’s a LOT to be dealing with. He got to school okay and I bet she assumed he was following then it likely played on her mind that she didn’t definitely see him go in, and she’s laughed it off to try and make light of it. I laugh when I feel awkward and uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean I’m disregarding something or uncaring/cavalier. She cared enough to call about it after realising her error - she wouldn’t have sought that reassurance if she didn’t care/it wasn’t playing on her mind.
We all make mistakes, I guess it depends on if this is out of character or she consistently lets people down. If she does this kind of thing often, then obviously don’t let her take your child thought she might also be in need of a friend and might have a lot going on.

I wouldn’t allow my child to be under her supervision ever again.

Also, it is your responsibility to get your child to school and back safely. You depend on all these other people to do it. If there is any way for you to change that, do it. It’s your choice. Since you asked though, I do think you’re unreasonable expecting other people to take over your responsibilities. When I had my child, I sacrificed many things to be with him at crucial times. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice or a job for others to do. Priorities. Yes you have to pay the bills, but there is a child to also consider. Are you a single mom? If so, then obviously you don’t have much of a choice. But still, you can’t hand off your responsibilities to others and expect to get exactly the results you want.

I’m really surprised you’re getting such a hard time op. I’d be really upset if this happened to me. We have to walk our children to class too, it’s not a case of leaving them by the gate. Doing that would mean leaving a child by a main road and then walking down a long school path. And when an adult normally walks them and suddenly that adult has disappeared I would imagine a lot of 5 year olds not quite knowing what to do. Should he go in to school? Wait for his grown up? Get into trouble because he’s moved from where she left him? Assuming everyone is happy with the helping each other out arrangement and it works both ways, I think it’s really lax of the other parent tbh. If I’m taking other people’s children to school, I make sure they are delivered into the classroom regardless of how busy I am.

Does he need walking in? We were able to drop at the gates from kindergarten (four and a half).

This. This has been the case ever since my kids started eons ago. All schools here have a ‘kiss and drop’ area outside the school nearish to the gate (safe distance though for cars/pedestrians ) you pull up, they get out, go over to the gate and walk in. Unless you are first car in the kiss/drop line you can’t physically see them walk in but at that age they don’t need walking in unless they have SN. Most parents here don’t walk in anyway, but leave at the gate and just stand around gossiping making it difficult for everyone else to dodge them and their dogs and actually get in the gate (terrible as I had one who was petrified of dogs and I HAD to walk them in due to this issue). It’s really rare here to have parents in past the gate unless a specific need as even the youngest year level, from 4.5yo is capable of finding their classroom after the first few days.

I’m 100% with you, OP. I wouldn’t be asking this friend again, which you won’t be doing.
This is the risk you take when you leave your DC with other people though.
I don’t think there’s any point in discussing it because I can’t see how it won’t lead to a fallout, which you want to prevent.

My DC’s primary is like yours. Parents are expected to walk all children to class, apart from ks2 kids.

I've been quite surprised by some of the replies here. At DD's school (2 form entry, so over 400 children), parents go into the playground. There isn't always anyone on the gate. Any child below year 5 is required to have a responsible adult on site - we have been told that any younger children found without an adult will have a safeguarding note made. The parents are expected to stay on site until the children go in, and yes, if you have more than one child, you have to walk round several classrooms. In the same way, children below year 5 will not be released without being able to point out a responsible adult to their teacher.

Also, when DD was (incorrectly) recorded as absent, it was more than an hour before I was called - their class had a supply teacher who made an error in the register. However that would have been quite a while for her to be wandering the streets.