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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

352 replies

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:14

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

OP posts:
littlelid · 16/01/2023 20:27

Time to stop relying on unpaid childcare

KrisAkabusi · 16/01/2023 20:27

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:21

Well no she was with her kids and they all go to different classes. So she didn’t take him to his class. He’s 5 he needs taking to class

This is where I was getting confused. I couldn't see where she had done anything wrong. In any of my kids schools, parents aren't allowed beyond the gate and kids of all ages make their way to the classroom.

leithreas · 16/01/2023 20:27

Comedycook · 16/01/2023 20:23

I don't understand though why he had to ask another adult to walk him in? Couldn't he just walk in himself

Aww, he's only 5. He's still tiny. How would he know what to do really...in fact, I think it was quite sensible of him.

Because he has been doing the same thing everyday for months? I know 5 is young but I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Presuming he has been at school since September he would know where he isgoing and what to do at this point or at least see another kid that he knows and go in with them. I'd just say 'hey friend, my ds gets a little overwhelmed at school in the mornings could you please make sure to drop him to the door.'

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:28

Fraine · 16/01/2023 20:19

So she went through the school gates and assumed he was with her kids? She probably just thought he was walking behind her. It’s not like she left him in the middle of the street or forgot him somewhere.

Do you pay her for taking him to school? Maybe she is fed up of taking him every week?

So with my friends that do this drop off we all help each other out with the children. I don’t work every day. I’ve had hers while she has appointments or do the pick ups.

Also to say “maybe she is fed up of it” then that’s fine and the reasonable thing would be to tell me and we would make other arrangements not just leave him outside the school gates!

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 16/01/2023 20:28

The other mum sounds like a bit of a pot stirrer to be be honest. Yeah, your friend should have been paying more attention but it does sound like a mistake. Talk to her if you want but be prepared for it to be the end of the childcare arrangement you’ve got going.

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2023 20:28

You trust mutual friend not to be stirring? Did you ask your 5-year-old who took him to class this morning?

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:30

I’m not totally following what happened - does the friend pick him up from your home in the morning? Do you drop him at hers? Or do you drop him at the school gates and the arrangement is she meets him there and walks him in to the classroom?

IglesiasPiggl · 16/01/2023 20:31

The trouble with having a friendly arrangement for drop off rather than a professional one is that people are fallible, have things on their mind etc. She made a mistake, and it's up to you to decide whether you want to risk this happening again, or pay for someone to do it.

Comedycook · 16/01/2023 20:32

It's very bad really..I'm usually extra safety conscious when looking after other people's kids. I think the other mum was totally right to tell you.

watchfulwishes · 16/01/2023 20:32

She sounds very unreliable, I would not trust her again until the kids are quite a bit older.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:34

VivaVivaa · 16/01/2023 20:28

The other mum sounds like a bit of a pot stirrer to be be honest. Yeah, your friend should have been paying more attention but it does sound like a mistake. Talk to her if you want but be prepared for it to be the end of the childcare arrangement you’ve got going.

I said in my OP I wouldn’t be asking her again. We have already sorted something else out. Other mum told me as at pick up as DC said “friend” left me on my own mummy and I was good and went to “other mum” for help so she explained. She def wasn’t pot stirring

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2023 20:37

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:30

I’m not totally following what happened - does the friend pick him up from your home in the morning? Do you drop him at hers? Or do you drop him at the school gates and the arrangement is she meets him there and walks him in to the classroom?

Why does any of that matter? The friend was responsible for OPs child and left him outside the school gates unsupervised.

Veryverycalmnow · 16/01/2023 20:38

I'm with you, OP! I would be really worried to think a 5 year old had been left outside the school gates- with a childminder or you that would never happen. It's so easy for things to go wrong. Depending on the child, they could have seen an adult they thought was this woman and followed her down the street, wandered off with someone, hurt themself or worse. I wouldn't be impressed at all. The school staff can't keep an eye on kids outside the gates. Our school gates have a tiny pavement and main road and no staff out and about until the kids line up, so for us this would be dangerous. I'd be too cross to continue with the arrangement.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:38

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:30

I’m not totally following what happened - does the friend pick him up from your home in the morning? Do you drop him at hers? Or do you drop him at the school gates and the arrangement is she meets him there and walks him in to the classroom?

Sorry she picks him up on the way. We live about 2 minutes from the school and that’s why friends have offered to help as it’s on the way.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2023 20:40

OP I'm with you.

I have friends where we all help with childcare IE I drop off the kids on a wednesday, X does it on a Thursday and Y on a Friday. It works.

But our school, like yours it sounds, expects children in lower years to be taken into the school and to their nearest entrance ready for doors opening at 8.50.
Only year 4 can be dropped off at the gate and walk in themselves.

I would be furious if someone forgot about my child. I'd have to mention something

babsanderson · 16/01/2023 20:42

As an aside, I would praise your child a lot. He is obviously very sensible and did exactly the right thing. He deserves loads of praise.

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:43

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2023 20:37

Why does any of that matter? The friend was responsible for OPs child and left him outside the school gates unsupervised.

Show quote history

Because I think there’s a difference between if you’ve picked a child up from his house (as OP has now confirmed the friend did - she didn’t seem to have any problem with me asking a question, thank you OP!) and then basically lost them somewhere on the way, or if the arrangement is that the child is dropped outside school and friend had just not realised it was her day to walk him in to class. Is that okay with you?

ElvisCymraeg · 16/01/2023 20:43

I'm with you too OP. We could drop off at that age but appreciate that every child and every school is different.
It would worry me because she managed to do what was needed with her own DC but not yours. And she knew she'd fucked up because she felt the need to call mutual friend, and yet didn't bother telling you.

CarolDunne · 16/01/2023 20:46

Surely at 5 he would know how to get to his class room?

All children around here are just dropped at the gate and find there own way in.

Ruffpuff · 16/01/2023 20:46

Other people hate the idea of friends helping each other out.

Personally, if I was taking my children to school it wouldn’t put me out to take another child, especially if the favour was returned. It certainly not acceptable to ‘forget’ a child in your care, no matter how fed up you are. I would never be this irresponsible with a child, if a child is in my care than I protect them as much as my own.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2023 20:46

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:43

Because I think there’s a difference between if you’ve picked a child up from his house (as OP has now confirmed the friend did - she didn’t seem to have any problem with me asking a question, thank you OP!) and then basically lost them somewhere on the way, or if the arrangement is that the child is dropped outside school and friend had just not realised it was her day to walk him in to class. Is that okay with you?

Show quote history

Nah, I think you're over complicating the situation for absolutely no reason.

Once the friend has responsibility for the child, then she has responsibility.

MargaritMargo · 16/01/2023 20:47

Does it really matter if the woman was feeling pissed off at this favour or not?

even if she was absolutely sick of taking the kid to school is that an ok reason to just leave him OUTSIDE the gates? He wasn’t even in the playground or school grounds.

Paid / not paid / friend / family - it’s all irrelevant. If you’re in charge of a 5 year old you don’t leave them in the street.

She made a mistake, it happens. But she should absolutely own up and apologise and not just laugh it off. Perhaps it is too much for her and you’ll need to sort out other arrangements, but either way she shouldn’t just laugh it off. It’s not actually funny at all is it

elizzza · 16/01/2023 20:49

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2023 20:46

Nah, I think you're over complicating the situation for absolutely no reason.

Once the friend has responsibility for the child, then she has responsibility.

Show quote history

…and I was trying to establish at what point the friend had responsibility for the child.

I’m not even disagreeing with you, the friend was totally in the wrong, I don’t know why you’ve decided to pick at my posting like this.

SomethingOriginal2 · 16/01/2023 20:51

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:23

Well yes he could of but he’s 5 and his classroom is through the school. Most early years children aren’t just left at the gates to go in by themselves

Show quote history

Yeah course, I didn't mean it sarcastically or anything. I just think of my local primary school and there's a gate to a playground then classroom doors. So a kid sensible enough to ask to be walked in would just be able to walk in. Lots of 5 yos aren't that sensible though.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 16/01/2023 20:51

You live a couple of minutes from the school, so he knows his way to/from school.

He knows his way to the classroom and his way round the school.

I don’t know if anyone is “pot-stirring” or not, but your little boy sounds a sensible little lad, and as any parent can testify, dealing with one child on a cold Monday Morning is hard enough, let alone four children.

it surprises me that parents are in the school though, I would have thought that would be a big security risk