Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

There's no excuse for her behaviour, or for her to be so passive about it. You trusted her to take care of your child and she didn't. She didn't even seem bothered that she has been careless. It doesn't matter if she's sick of the task or what, she didn't take care of a 5 year old and wasnt concerned about their safety at all.

I regularly have my friends children and I am as vigilant with their care as I am of my own children, I am responsible and even if the child is the worst child in the world and their parents are entitled, annoying or horrible I would still ensure that child's care. There's just no excuse for her attitude really.

YANBU but you need to sort out a proper childminder for your kids.

Gosh we're single form entry and couldn't imagine 100+ parents traipsing around school at pre 9 am.

Pre covid we dropped in playground and teachers rang the bell, they lined up and we left. Now we leave at the gate. Nursery teachers walks the nursery kids down but the rest make their own way. Collect at external doors at staggered times.

I don't understand though why he had to ask another adult to walk him in? Couldn't he just walk in himself or is there a special set up where if an adult hadn't have walked him in he'd have been stuck at the roadside?

My DDs school all reception and year 1 children need to be handed over to a teacher, parents are not allowed to just leave them outside even if it’s technically school grounds.

I don’t see why there’s so much pearl clutching about another school mum picking your child up on the way to school, I do exactly the same thing with one of my kid’s friends, I have to drive past his house to get to school so I pick him up and drop him at school every morning with my kid to save his parents trying to find a parking space in our overcrowded drop off lane.

That said, your friend was totally irresponsible to leave your son outside the school like that. I’m crazy vigilant about checking both kids have gone in safely when I drop them off and would be very upset if this happened to my son, I hope you mange to find a better arrangement for you all soon OP.

No but it's your responsibility to get your DC to school so you need to make other arrangements.

He's 5!!!

A friend of mine who was a teacher with four children of her own often had arrangements with friends to pick up their children and visa versa. She was mortified one day, when she got a call from one of the other mums who had a call from the school to ask where she was as her daughter hasn’t been collected. I think everyone can be fallible especially when their hands are full with their own children. Also though talking an extra child to school can feel like a lot of extra work. I remember doing it for a couple of weeks and was really fed up after a few days / week. 😬

Helpful friends are rare. I wouldnt fall out over this...

YANBU - but this is why most people pay for proper childcare or breakfast and after school clubs. However well intentioned your friends might be they’re not trained in safeguarding.

I wonder if she’s done this deliberately so you stop using her for childcare. Were you paying her?

Your poor little boy. I’d be really upset too. But take this as a warning - pay for before and after school club, or an Ofsted registered childminder.

I’m sorry it’s no excuse if she didn’t want to take him she should say and be honest about that your every right to be upset that’s your child

You don't need to be trained in safeguarding ffs to drop a kid off to school properly! I wouldn't let her take him again op. Yanbu.

This could have turned out so bad as you know.

Friend obviously couldn't care less about your dc (yes she could have personal issues etc so isn't 'with it' but it's your dc who could have massively suffered).

Use paid for care - they will ensure dc is where he should be.

Breakfast club is fine, I know plenty inc mine who went from nursery age it's really no big deal.

Mostly though, I'm surprised you want to remain friends with the person who did not take care of your child like you entrusted. I understand keep the peace etc but nowhere do you seem to want to call friend out or ask wtf she was playing at- it sounds like it's keep the peace and quietly find elsewhere for dc. Even if it's to check out where friends head is at if it's unlike them etc.

Hope your dc is ok.

I don’t see a problem with friends helping each other out as your group does. I also agree with PP who said they are more careful with other people’s children.

Obviously she’s not to be trusted if she’s going to be that distracted as to forget within a few minutes of collecting and hours later remember that she was taking your child to their classroom.

Your son mentioned it to you, so I would tell her that he told you he was left behind and had to use his initiative and ask for help from the other parent. Tell her you won’t be asking for help or supporting her as you’ve lost confidence in the arrangement.

I wouldn’t go into any drama about what could have happened. Local arrangements vary, here year 1 DC are dropped at the gate and go across to their local entrance themselves (not nursery though).

YANBU

YANBU

I would be furious and massively disappointed.
We sometimes have DD dropped to school by other parents (and help out others too) and cannot imagine anyone leaving a child on the pavement and 'forgetting' to take them in. WTF they are 5!

I'm really shocked by the number of people minimising or justifying this

He wouldn't have been left wandering the streets for 5 hours. School would have called to tell you he hadn't arrived. Catastrophising isn't helping you or him.

Of course she should have taken him in but it was the first time she's done it in months and she got distracted. It was an accident and you're not going to ask her again.

Tbh I'm surprised your school is so lax about how 5-yr-olds go in. In all our schools, teachers take the DC from an adult in the playground. And there are teachers and TAs supervising the playground and the gates. Is that not the case in your school?

The ‘arrangement’ has disaster written all over it. Various friends with their own kids to deal with, it doesn’t work.

If he had been missing, the school would have informed you pretty quickly. So you are over reacting on that part. I also think your friends are doing you a massive favour doing your morning childcare every day. Does your school not have breakfast club?

My kids go to a very large school and apart from the first week of kindergarten we’ve dropped them off at the gate. Your son has been walked in for three months? He should be more than capable of getting from the gate to the classroom…. But if you want to cut off your nose to spite your face and get less help….. then tell your friend.

Your 'friend' is a liability ... good you're not asking her again! I'd warn other friends too, she's useless!

his school you have to take and drop off at the classroom door. Whenever I take him I stand until he is walked in as do all parents. Also I have said numerous times I’m not asking her for childcare again so your “cut you nose of none sense” is spot on as I won’t be doing it again

I don't understand the people on here asking why he didnt walk himself in like this is no big deal. It was extremely negligent. The mother in the wrong should have apologised and owned up - not laughed it off! I can't believe she left a 5 year old outside the gate and hadn't passed the responsibility onto someone else at the very least. Even if its a gate situation where they get dropped off at the gate you watch them go in. My 5 year old always goes in and turns around and we blow a kiss. I watch as he walks through the main door. 5 is still so young.
OP I would text her and say:
I've been waiting for you to tell me you left <insert name> outside the gate. Thank God nothing happened. Pls don't take him in the morning and make other arrangements for your kids on the day I normally take them.

I'd also be dropping her as she is no friend.

It’s not lax. Up to year 3 you are expected to walk your child to thier classroom door so teachers see an adult drop them off. You are saying it’s lax and others are saying he should be able to be dropped at the gates! Can’t win

You should definitely mention it OP, if only because that’s the only way it will clear the air for you and is the responsible nature thing to do. But don’t go in guns blazing just giver her a call and say you were really worried to hear that your son was left outside. Let her apologise and forgive her and move on.