Page 6 | Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

Bubblegirly · 2023-01-16T20:14:17+00:00

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him. Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t. friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc. Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

EmmiJay · 16/01/2023 22:34

The responses here are shocking. If my "friend" left my 5 yr old outside the school gates - whew!!! I'd message her saying, "Heard you left xxxxx outside today. I won't be asking you to do this again." Just to make her squirm a bit. Well done your DS for asking for help!

FlowersLucy · 16/01/2023 22:37

OP I hope you can ignore some of the stupid comments, that you should be grateful because of the "favour" (despite you also doing the same favour).

I would be really upset by this. Your pal obviously knew she had done wrong as she called your friend.

I think if the arrangement is to continue you do need to say something. Good luck.

DadANDPK · 16/01/2023 22:38

KickHimInTheCrotch · 16/01/2023 21:02

This is the problem with over reliance on friends for regular childcare. A one off is fine but for a regular arrangement you need to drop him at breakfast club or use a childminder.

No, that's not the problem. The problem is a dimwit who was responsible for a 5 year old, left him outside the school gate! Abd the REAL problem is that she didn't have the decency to call the OP and apologise, she's laughed it off to a mutual friend in the hope she won't get found out (5 she's doubly dim when that involves a 5 year old)

@Bubblegirly
lots of people on Mn can't stand people helping each other out. School gate friends are brilliant & arrangements like this are invaluable. So ignore all the harping on about it being a big ask! It's not, for normal people, and if it becomes one she has mouth in her head!!

I'd be worried she'd done this, but given he's a sensible kid and the school would have phoned if he wasn't there for register, so try not to catastrophes & give yourself nightmares!!

I'd mostly be annoyed she hasn't had to decency to call you & apologise.

id need to say something, so I'd phone her tomorrow and say DS was upset when he realised you'd gone &! left him outside of school - what happened?

YANBU

PugInTheHouse · 16/01/2023 22:41

Well I'm glad I don't have friends like a lot of you. When our DCs were small we all helped each other out with drops offs when we were working. I don't understand how dropping a 5 yo to school for a friend is a big ask TBH.

I would be upset too OP, at my DCs infant school you had to take them into the playground then wait till they lined up for class. Seems odd that people can't see passed their own schools procedures.

DadANDPK · 16/01/2023 22:42

MysteryBelle · 16/01/2023 22:12

I wouldn’t allow my child to be under her supervision ever again.

Also, it is your responsibility to get your child to school and back safely. You depend on all these other people to do it. If there is any way for you to change that, do it. It’s your choice. Since you asked though, I do think you’re unreasonable expecting other people to take over your responsibilities. When I had my child, I sacrificed many things to be with him at crucial times. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice or a job for others to do. Priorities. Yes you have to pay the bills, but there is a child to also consider. Are you a single mom? If so, then obviously you don’t have much of a choice. But still, you can’t hand off your responsibilities to others and expect to get exactly the results you want.

What a lot of twaddle.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 22:42

Whattaboutit · 16/01/2023 20:25

I think she’s probably sick of being responsible for your child. Doing a favour like this sounds ok at the beginning but it get wearing.

Seriously? She agreed to take him then just got bored part way through and just left him. That's your take on it? Idiot.

Original poster

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 22:42

Pumpmonkey · 16/01/2023 21:53

Is your friend ok at the moment? A few years ago when I was on the verge of a breakdown (that noone knew about) I left a friends daughter in a park when a group of us went. I had completely forgotten I was supposed to take her home. (I hasnt brought her there and she was playing with other kids in the group, not my ds…but still). I didnt even realise i had forgotten until another friend called and said shed dropped said child off.
I was mortified, absoluetly gutted and totally embarrased. The friend concerned actually turned up at my house and brought me chocolate, hugged me, sat me down and asked if i was ok. It was the kindest thing anyone had done for me in years and I’ll never forget her grace and understanding.
sometimes people arent ok but dont want to let you down.

Wow I hadn’t thought about this. I am going to talk to her and see if anything going on? We have been friends for years and have had some lovely days out while the kids have been growing up. I’m more upset about all this as I have to safeguard my child but want to remain friends. Couldn’t give two hoots about the arrangement falling through as so many have suggested! Already sorted it

OP posts:

snowtrees · 16/01/2023 22:43

By now in the school year I'd expect a reception child to head off towards their own door once they get to gate, swept along by other kids.
Op I'm very surprised friends take your child every day. Why not use breakfast club?

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/01/2023 22:46

Astonished at some of the shrugging, ‘count yourself grateful’ bullshit posts on this thread.

She fucked up. Massively. And no you must never trust her again with your kids.

It’s extremely compassionate of you to want to check in with her with regards to her mental health but the truth is she neglected the safety of your child.

Original poster

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 22:48

MysteryBelle · 16/01/2023 22:12

I wouldn’t allow my child to be under her supervision ever again.

Also, it is your responsibility to get your child to school and back safely. You depend on all these other people to do it. If there is any way for you to change that, do it. It’s your choice. Since you asked though, I do think you’re unreasonable expecting other people to take over your responsibilities. When I had my child, I sacrificed many things to be with him at crucial times. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice or a job for others to do. Priorities. Yes you have to pay the bills, but there is a child to also consider. Are you a single mom? If so, then obviously you don’t have much of a choice. But still, you can’t hand off your responsibilities to others and expect to get exactly the results you want.

Really this is so absolutely judgemental! I haven’t asked you to analyse my life. I asked if IABU being upset at what happened. I have sacrificed things. I changed my whole job to school hours, tern time to be around for my children rather then working nights and weekends! DC has never spent a night away from home. Me and DH never palm them off to anyone we do things as a family and haven’t had a night out together since before covid. The one thing I have needed help with is school drop off and we have rearranged things so DH is late to work so he can take him now!

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/01/2023 22:48

And those who say ‘maybe she’s tired of looking after your kids’ - the OP helps her out too. That’s what we do - we help each other out as mothers and we look out for each other. I always take extra care when I have an extra kid or two in tow.

Tereo · 16/01/2023 22:49

I agree your friend might be very stressed /unwell. Being that distracted is a bit of a worry. The only times Ive ever being distracted like that i was suffering bad anxiety

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/01/2023 22:50

OP I can’t believe the judgement you’re getting on this thread! You and your friends obviously take it in turns to support each other and this friend didn’t look after your child. She forgot about him. For whatever reason. And can’t be trusted again.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 16/01/2023 22:56

Forgooodnesssakenow · 16/01/2023 20:59

I can't quite believe this is your arrangement, they're taking your 5 yr old every day and you help them out now and again. That's a huge obligation for your friends who I imagine are busy with in her case her own multiple children. Is your child an only child? Does she have a child the. Same class? If not she's going well out of her way.

'hes 5, he needs walking to his class...' then be a responsible parent and either walk him yourself or hire ctual childcare

Show quote history

Stop being an idiot and find something better to do.

Really all you have to say is be a responsible parent????

mightymam · 16/01/2023 23:03

I'd be massively pissed off and have to tell her. Otherwise it's not a friendship and just an arse-licking exercise in keeping up social appearances. She was massively out of order and wouldn't be allowed anywhere near my children again and I wouldn't be taking care of hers ever again too.

LoveBluey · 16/01/2023 23:05

Why can people not understand that different schools have different set ups. At ours parents wait in the playground with their children until the classroom doors are opened (one door for each year group which open on to the playground). There is no teacher supervision in the playground.

I would be livid if I trusted someone to get my child to the year group door and they left them outside the school gates right by the road.

My DD is in Y1 very sensible but even so I think this would scare her and I'm not sure she'd know what to do. She lost sight of me in the school playground once and got very upset thinking I'd left her there alone even though I've never done that in over a year of drop offs.

No friend is obliged to say yes to this arrangement but if they do say yes they bloody well need to take responsibility and not leave a child alone.

chickywoo · 16/01/2023 23:10

I think in the busy school environment it only takes for someone to chat to you
get a bit distracted and she’s probably just forgot your child, but it was on school grounds and all was well so no good to anyone to keep worrying about what might have been. Best thing to do now is to arrange childminder/breakfast club or ask your employer about flexible working policy ( usually applies with child under 6) your son would probs benefit from a more stable arrangement than being dropped off by various different friends.

WinnieFosterReads · 16/01/2023 23:14

The reason I was asking about supervision at the gate is because it means the risk to your DC was much smaller. There was adult supervision even though your friend was lax. It should reassure you.
Also, because there is that layer of supervision at the gate, it makes it slightly easier to understand how your friend could slip into autopilot because subconsciously she knew there was another adult at the gate who was responsible for the DCs.

Genericusername1234 · 16/01/2023 23:14

Some of these responses are nuts. WTF!!
YANBU to share pick ups and drop offs with friends. Maybe some of these posters don’t have friends, unsurprising considering how nasty some of the posts are.
YA definitely NBU to be upset your friend left your 5 year old on the street!
In our school also, parents walk in KS1, ks2 are dropped at the gates. I’m not sure why some people find this so hard to grasp.
YANBU to be angry that she laughed it off - I wouldn’t forgive her for that.
If it was me, I wouldn’t start an argument but I would let her know that I wouldn’t be sharing lifts/childcare anymore and be honest about why.

Thesonglastslonger · 16/01/2023 23:16

If it was me, the friendship would be over. Not in a dramatic way, but I’d lose all respect, trust and liking, which doesn’t leave much.

I could forgive the forgetting but not the laughing and keeping it secret from the mother of the mislaid child!

I’d call her on it. If it was me I’d send a message “In light of what happened today, I’ll be taking to DC to school myself in future.” I would not get drawn into ‘who told you’ or ‘what do you mean’, if she asked questions I’d simply repeat “Obviously I’m not happy about what happened today.”

Flamingopinko · 16/01/2023 23:18

Op I think some of the replies here are from people outside of the uk. It’s absolutely right that in our primary schools the children are walked into the school to their classes. I was settling my children inside the classroom and helping them with their things up to the end of yr 2. It’s completely unreasonable to expect a child of just 5 to go in alone - it just never happened in our school.

AliceMcK · 16/01/2023 23:28

Addicted2LoveIsland · 16/01/2023 21:50

Also one more thing. For those of you whose kids get dropped off at the gate outside, that is a totally different situation. If the procedure is to drop the child off at the classroom then that's what should be done. This parent managed to do her own children's drop off safely she knows the drill.
Not by the gate, not outside the gate, not next to the gate, to the classroom.

Let's say your kids ARE meant to be dropped at the gate but they were left on the corner kind of near the gate would that be ok? No. You'd expect them to be walked to the gate and entry is ensured.
Really pissed off for the OP that this woman laughed it off.
Favour or not you have agreed to the responsibility!

Absolutely agree.

There is no yard to my DDs school, the older children walk through a gate directly into their class rooms, years R-Yr2 go through 2 separate entrances one is a walk around the school the other the children have to walk through a car park. Which is why the school insist all the younger children are handed over to a teacher at the correct entrance.

Also the school is on a busy road where several lollipop people have been hit because of speeding idiots who don’t care that even without 2 primary schools it’s a 20mph limit. One parent was also hit when crossing her child when the lollipop man was in the middle of the road because selfish pricks don’t think the rules apply to them. The last lollipop lady quit after too many close calls so there is no one there now. It would be so easy for a younger child to wander on the road, one of my DDs ran off, granted she was 4 and in preschool, but I was lucky the lollipop man was there to stop her running into the road.

The op has every right to be pissed off.

moonwitchmum · 16/01/2023 23:30

I’m baffled at some of the replies here. Different schools have different policies with drop offs and pick ups, what’s so hard to understand?. It’s great that some posters DC can walk themselves in from the gate but that isn’t the case for OPs DS as it isn’t policy at his school. It almost feels as if people are purposely misreading the thread, OP has said multiple times that she helps her friends out, takes their DC in some days/picks them up etc. If the friend has a problem with it then she should be an adult and explain that, not leave a 5 year old on his own.

OP if I were you I’d chat with your friend just to clear the air and also check in and make sure she’s okay. I wouldn’t end the friendship over it but I do understand making other arrangements for your son.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2023 23:31

Flamingopinko · 16/01/2023 23:18

Op I think some of the replies here are from people outside of the uk. It’s absolutely right that in our primary schools the children are walked into the school to their classes. I was settling my children inside the classroom and helping them with their things up to the end of yr 2. It’s completely unreasonable to expect a child of just 5 to go in alone - it just never happened in our school.

It's right in some schools. I'm in England. Since covid we drop them at the gate, from 3 yo. My boys started nursery two weeks ago. I leave them at the gate. There are teachers to collect the nursery kids. And staff to kinda shepherd the other kids in the right direction but there's aren't 100 odd parents walking through school seating their kids in class.. Even pre covid it was to the playground

NicJZ · 16/01/2023 23:32

Loving some of the shocking unhelpful replies here, shame we parents aren't a little more understanding.
We have to drop off our DC at reception in the mornings too, and we too have to go through the gates and make sure he walks into his classroom, from a safety aspect this is important as the gates are open for all at that time so anyone could get in.

I'm surprised your friend hasn't told you, if she's a close friend I'd just say was everything ok in the morning and see what she says.....if nothing leave it but your right don't ask her again. Any parent of multiple kids will have on and off days making them concentrate on a million things at once, it's hard but harder when kids are playing up or lacking sleep etc, I'm sure she feels rubbish about it. It's great you have a network to help, it's important but maybe keep it to friends with less potential distractions, youngest child is the one to concentrate on x