Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

I’m presuming this is the first time it’s ever happened? As she seems to do drop offs regularly, she probably was focused on the school run, and was walking ahead, got her kids in school and then by the time she’s realised your child wasn’t behind her and she was supposed to be looking after him, your other friend had already taken him.

Laughing it off is a way to cover up nerves or guilt sometimes.

Maybe just ask her straight what happened? She may well have had a tough morning with her own kids and it slipped her mind.

Ahh it’s a difficult one & I definitely think YANBU to be upset. It was obviously 100% accidental but that doesn’t make it any better really. You trusted your friend with your child & their safety & that friend has broken that trust with negligence.

well done to your 5yo for going to another adult for help. You have taught them well.

But it’s not something that should be laughed off. I’m sure you friend had a horrible sick feeling when she realised 5 hours later & probably didn’t think you would ever find out. But she should have been upfront with you & apologised. 5years old is too young to be left unattended especially when it’s busy & they could easily wander off unnoticed.

I think you have done the right thing in making alternative arrangements as I would have done the same. The trust has been broken. If you friend gets upset with you I would just ask her to look at if from your point & imagine how she would feel if it was her children. Could she trust that person the same way again? I hope you are able to talk to her & it not ruin a friendship.

And anyone giving you a hard time because a friend is “doing you a favour”
needs to realise that everyone’s situations are different. It can take a village to raise a child & the reality is lots of parents have/want to work. There is nothing wrong with friends/family helping each other out. That’s perfectly normal behaviour. Your friend should be honest & open if she can no longer help & you in turn should respect that (not saying you wouldn’t)

but yeah I’d be very angry too if it was me. It’s the hiding it for me personally

I'm amazed by everyone saying maybe she was fed up, she was busy with her own blah blah blah. No excuse! If she agreed to take this child to school she agreed to get him in safely, regardless of if she had her hands full.

I'd be looking else where for childcare, and find your self a new friend. She clearly hasn't taken it seriously and can't be trusted

Some of the comments on this thread are so mean, judgmental and quite frankly, ridiculous! I sometimes think mumsnet has its own special unique set of judgy arseholes. Doesn't matter what you write they'll focus on some pointless sentence and rip you apart. Twats! OP you are not being unreasonable, I would have felt the same. Thank god nothing bad happened and all was well.

Frankly I'm shocked at some of the judgemental comments you've received here. I would be super upset too. No matter your childcare arrangements, your friends have agreed to be in charge of your child as well as their own on the school run. I just couldn't imagine forgetting my friends child at the gate!

With her laughing it off, I feel like there's no point in bringing it up, cause it sounds like she'd make out that you're being ridiculous (which you aren't). Can you arrange for someone else to help instead?

Well done to your boy though for asking another adult for help!

I was just thinking the same! I'm shocked at some of the comments. He's 5 for goodness sake. I'm assuming they think it's OK for their own 5 year old to be left alone at the school gates? Wow.

'Sorry she picks him up on the way. We live about 2 minutes from the school and that’s why friends have offered to help as it’s on the way.'
So who is with him until he's picked up?

I can totally imagine forgetting someone else's child. It would be easy to do, if you are not a childminder and are focused on other things.
I would have hated to take someone else's child to school everyday though.

If I’d done that I wouldn’t be laughing, I’d feel awful even at the thought that the child felt panicked, never mind that something could have happened to him. I’d have to tell the parent and apologise.

Something similar happened to me once when my daughter was being brought home from a party by her friend’s parents and they forgot. There was no harm done at all but the parents were absolutely mortified and could not have apologised more.

I think you should be grateful for a start but also if your child can’t find class after 5 months you should be taking him yourself and teaching him. At my child’s school parent walk in first week then after that every parent stays at the gate and children make their own way to class … presumed this was normal. And apologies if your child has additional needs and can’t do it alone but again if that’s the case that’s your job as parent.

🥱 been through all this

Thank you for your nice comment. Things are all good

I'm totally baffled that people think a friend helping out with school drop offs- when they are passing by, on the way to the same place with their own kids- is a 'crap' set up.

How magnanimous that your child still wants to remain friends with her children 😂😂
If you live 2 minutes from school, take him yourself. And yes he should know where his class is, five years old is not tiny. Your friend has done you kindnesses upon kindnesses and now you jump on her after a mistake. Stop being so entitled.

"A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work."
You should be overflowing with gratitude. The reason DC was left is because you don't take DC in yourself - reframe your thinking into that, stop behaving like an indignant brat, and change your life so you're not leeching off other people's good will and then bellyaching when they make a mistake - trying to fix your mistake.

Good lord - just read this update:
"friend caught me this afternoon to apologise. She was very upset and sincere and said she doesn’t know what happened. Just one of those moments. She was very worried about our friendship which I assured her we will still remain friends and I appreciate her seeking me out to explain and apologise. We are going to pause her helping me as our friendship is the priority over school runs."
OP, you really do come across as a queen bee here. You have friends all acting as childcare/taxi for your child, so you can work, you complain when one slips up and then bask in the glory of her apologies. "We are going to pause her helping me..." - who on earth do you think you are? Because you don't sound like a friend at all!

First of all you're not being unreasonable. No adult should leave a child behind no matter how frustrating the set up is.

Second of all, sort out your child care arrangements. Boshing your kid off to others the way you have described sounds messy.

Third of all, speak up!! This is your child that was left outside not you! Speak up!

I’d be annoyed too. Regardless of everyone saying here about her doing you a favour or you should pay for childcare. On the day in question she was responsible for your child and she should have taken him in. If she’s not happy with the arrangement she should say so.

Congratulations for having such a savvy kid who knew who to ask for help when he needed it. My daughter is 4.5 and no, her age and 5 year olds do not walk in alone. It is a huge school and they have to walk round the playground to get to their entrance. We have to walk in. If a child is in my care, it is in my care, and I would be taking him into the safe hands of another adult. Glad you won´t be using her help again.

This is why I don't trust anyone I don't pay, even then you can only really rely on taking your child into a venue, so I use breakfast clubs. Can your other half do drop off?

I'd be upset too but it was a mistake. I'm not entirely sure on the set up that meant your child was left behind and forgotten but each school is set up differently.

I agree with others on the meanest of some comments. It's hard to get a fair hearing on MN if you accept favours from friends or family. I'm seen cancer patients being criticised for asking family to babysit while they get treatment. All childcare has to involve money exchanging hands or you're doing it wrong.

My thoughts too, I couldn’t have summed it up better

cant believe all these posters justifying your “friend’s” behaviour. If I’m entrusted with someone else’s child I treat them even more precious than my own! Can’t imagine living with myself if something happened on my watch to them.
your friend laughed because laughter is a defence mechanism, she knew she f up.
It’s normal around where I live to take friend’s kids to school and pick up, we all do that.
i wouldn’t trust her again but will leave it at that. No point in talking to her about it. She probably will expect it tbh x

So your saying the the friend did it deliberately? I don't think that is true for one minute. And it's all ok, because OP has "paused" her helping her, lucky for the friend. Her friend clearly had a moment of madness, it happens to the best of us.

I don't think it was her way of saying she was fed up of the arrangement.

Also OPs DS still wants to stay friends with her friends DC, aren't they lucky!

Well this thread is an exhausting display of Mumsnet bad faith. So what if your school doesn't do it this way? OP's school does! Such a bizarre attitude - 'this doesn't add up because it doesn't chime exactly with my own experience'.

Weird. Glad you have it sorted, OP.