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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

352 replies

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 20:14

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

OP posts:
Pickle59 · 17/01/2023 19:44

I can’t believe how unsympathetic some of these comments are ! it is not ok for a five year old to be left full stop. and if she’s fed up taking him then she should tell you, not put him in danger. it’s definitely worth letting her know how upset you are

Spongecake556 · 17/01/2023 19:45

I haven’t RTFT but I can’t believe some of the answers already!
So many schools (even in the same areas) have such different protocols that you can’t just poo poo the idea of what happened!
Firstly- there are plenty of schools that don’t phone parents when children won’t come in for the day- can you imagine how busy they would be- phoning each absentees parents to ask if they were coming in? A lot of schools have an 3 day “grace” period- especially in schools that cater for more than 500 children.
Secondly- lots of schools have “gates” that open at a specific time (to ensure that children don’t get dropped off at 7.30 am and wait around in the playground) so these gates aren’t manned- they are just opened- close to registration time- so parents can get into the specific playground/ class they need to go.
Lastly- he’s 5- still very young and immature and could easily decide (no matter how sensible) to try to walk out of the area.

It was absolutely shit of your friend to do this- I assume the laughing about it later was nerves/ only remembering she hadn’t seen him and panicking (I hope) and that she knew by that stage he had been brought in by the other friend.

I would defin speak to her about it- in a calm way- so she knows that you know. I would also never ask her again.

dogdaydown · 17/01/2023 19:46

Spongecake556 · 17/01/2023 19:45

I haven’t RTFT but I can’t believe some of the answers already!
So many schools (even in the same areas) have such different protocols that you can’t just poo poo the idea of what happened!
Firstly- there are plenty of schools that don’t phone parents when children won’t come in for the day- can you imagine how busy they would be- phoning each absentees parents to ask if they were coming in? A lot of schools have an 3 day “grace” period- especially in schools that cater for more than 500 children.
Secondly- lots of schools have “gates” that open at a specific time (to ensure that children don’t get dropped off at 7.30 am and wait around in the playground) so these gates aren’t manned- they are just opened- close to registration time- so parents can get into the specific playground/ class they need to go.
Lastly- he’s 5- still very young and immature and could easily decide (no matter how sensible) to try to walk out of the area.

It was absolutely shit of your friend to do this- I assume the laughing about it later was nerves/ only remembering she hadn’t seen him and panicking (I hope) and that she knew by that stage he had been brought in by the other friend.

I would defin speak to her about it- in a calm way- so she knows that you know. I would also never ask her again.

Although you may not have RTFT it's worth reading the OPs posts.

Yeahrightthen · 17/01/2023 19:47

My DC has been praised on how he dealt with the situation and despite being upset yesterday still wants to see her children and be friends

Erm…what a strange conclusion to the story!

Only read the first page but my take on this is just what a massive shit-stirrer the third mother in the story is!!

FedUpWithEverything123 · 17/01/2023 19:49

I second PP recommendation of breakfast club.

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/01/2023 19:51

Pickle59 · 17/01/2023 19:44

I can’t believe how unsympathetic some of these comments are ! it is not ok for a five year old to be left full stop. and if she’s fed up taking him then she should tell you, not put him in danger. it’s definitely worth letting her know how upset you are

Not sure many people are disagreeing that the friend made a mistake. It's the general tone of the OP's updates that is... enlightening?

minipie · 17/01/2023 19:52

I can see why you’re upset but IMO this is the kind of thing that could happen to anyone as a one off. Rushing in the morning, many things on your mind, you have different kids to drop off on different days so it doesn’t seem odd that you haven’t got child X … obviously she should have been more careful but I can see how it would happen. And in the end all was fine.

You say she laughed it off but you’ve only got the other mum’s word for that. And as has been commented, she sounds like a shit stirrer. I wouldn’t necessarily take her account of the conversation as gospel.

I cannot believe you’d contemplate ending a friendship over this, still less ending a friendship between your DC and hers! She made a mistake while doing you a favour.

cizzababes · 17/01/2023 19:56

I would just talk to your friend and say that you are upset rather than let it ruin a friendship. It may be that they saw your son with the other parent and assumed that he would be fine to walk in with them. I would imagine if she actually knew how much upset/worry it has caused she wouldn't laugh it off. Perhaps look into a breakfast club so then you can eliminate any future issues?

Benjispruce4 · 17/01/2023 19:59

I’d call her and say your son said you left him at at the gates this morning.

Benjispruce4 · 17/01/2023 20:02

I work in primary. All early year’s children are walked into class by parents/ carers.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 20:11

dogdaydown · 17/01/2023 18:51

I was right with you until that last paragraph.....

How magnanimous of your son to still want to be friends with her children. Why wouldn't he though?

I think you're making such a big deal of this it's influencing him and putting him on far too much of a pedestal.

Her children did no wrong.

Show quote history

Sorry I didn’t mean that. His exact words were “can we play with friends children at the weekend”

it was me surmising it

OP posts:
Spongecake556 · 17/01/2023 20:12

dogdaydown · 17/01/2023 19:46

Although you may not have RTFT it's worth reading the OPs posts.

Show quote history

Noted! Must remember to do this on future. Thanks.

DMLady · 17/01/2023 20:21

Lots of people on here saying you’re asking too much of your friends, OP, but if that’s the arrangement you’ve got and they’re happy to do it, I don’t see why it should be an issue. Your friend forgetting your child at the gate is a different matter — and again lots of people saying the school would call you, but I’m not sure my DC’s school call if a child is absent, and I can see why it would worry you. It sounds as though it was an honest mistake though (and kudos to your 5-y-o for being so sensible) so perhaps give her another chance? It doesn’t sound as though she’d leave him just anywhere; presumably she’d stopped at the gate, then got chatting… As for laughing it off — perhaps she was embarrassed? She did care enough to call the other mum…

Sandygran · 17/01/2023 20:22

At the age of 5 I used to walk to school every day on my own. Just saying....

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 20:23

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/01/2023 19:43

This is so super weird. Glad the OP isn't one of my friends, but I think she's far too special to be friends with mortals. Phew.

Why so nasty? What in my post has made you say that? I haven’t been bad mouthing her at all and said I have put our friendship above childcare

OP posts:
DMLady · 17/01/2023 20:26

DMLady · 17/01/2023 20:21

Lots of people on here saying you’re asking too much of your friends, OP, but if that’s the arrangement you’ve got and they’re happy to do it, I don’t see why it should be an issue. Your friend forgetting your child at the gate is a different matter — and again lots of people saying the school would call you, but I’m not sure my DC’s school call if a child is absent, and I can see why it would worry you. It sounds as though it was an honest mistake though (and kudos to your 5-y-o for being so sensible) so perhaps give her another chance? It doesn’t sound as though she’d leave him just anywhere; presumably she’d stopped at the gate, then got chatting… As for laughing it off — perhaps she was embarrassed? She did care enough to call the other mum…

Sorry — just seen your update. Glad your friend called you.

Spongecake556 · 17/01/2023 20:26

Sandygran · 17/01/2023 20:22

At the age of 5 I used to walk to school every day on my own. Just saying....

And back in the 80s- jimmy savile was considered an amazing man! Just saying…

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 20:28

Sandygran · 17/01/2023 20:22

At the age of 5 I used to walk to school every day on my own. Just saying....

👏👏👏

OP posts:
Mandyjack · 17/01/2023 20:35

Comedycook · 16/01/2023 20:19

I wouldn't trust her ever again.

However, I'm surprised this is your childcare arrangement...do you help these people out in return?

I am too tbh and maybe friends are a bit peeved they are left with the responsibility of taking someone else's child to school 5 days a week potentially.
OP think you need to pay a professional, get a relative or request a flexible start time and take your own child to school.

Mandyjack · 17/01/2023 20:38

Bubblegirly · 16/01/2023 21:05

What! She doesn’t do it every day. I said we all share it. This is actually the first time in 2 months this friend has done drop off. I don’t get why some people are so cross that a group of friends help each other out and saying I’m not responsible. I’m working to provide for my family and thought that as friends have all offered, silly me, that I was letting him go to school with a responsible adult. And no I have a 7yr old too. Who goes to a different school and a 19 year old

Show quote history

Who takes your 7yr old? Would it not be easier to send them to the same school?

browneyes77 · 17/01/2023 20:39

My nephew is 8 and as I work from home, my brother occasionally asks if I can drop him to or pick him up from school. I take him through the gates, into the playground and I do not leave until I’ve seen him go into his classroom. (As is the case for other parents etc dropping off in that playground. They all stay until their children have gone inside).

When he was 5 I was even more cautious about ensuring he got into school ok. I’d never walk off before knowing he had arrived safely and was in the building. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to him. (Maybe that makes me an overprotective Aunt, but I’d rather be that, than have something happen to my nephew).

And if it’s the case, as some have suggested, that maybe she’s fed up of taking him etc she should’ve just told you she can’t take him anymore.

It may very well have been an accident, and I get that she’s being good in helping you out, but I can see how her reaction to it would’ve annoyed you.

Maybe don’t ask her to take him for you anymore. It’s already unnerved you and you’ll likely worry next time she takes him anyway.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 20:42

Mandyjack · 17/01/2023 20:38

Who takes your 7yr old? Would it not be easier to send them to the same school?

Show quote history

No 7yo gets school transport so he’s fine

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 17/01/2023 20:43

Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 15:53

Update!
First thank you for all the comments. Although I do feel sad for some people that get very angry and can’t comprehend not having friends and helping each other out.

friend caught me this afternoon to apologise. She was very upset and sincere and said she doesn’t know what happened. Just one of those moments. She was very worried about our friendship which I assured her we will still remain friends and I appreciate her seeking me out to explain and apologise. We are going to pause her helping me as our friendship is the priority over school runs.

My DC has been praised on how he dealt with the situation and despite being upset yesterday still wants to see her children and be friends

Ah Sorry OP! Missed this update!

Glad you’ve managed to talk to your friend. Has it put your mind at ease?

browneyes77 · 17/01/2023 20:44

DCs can be dropped at gates from age 5 because the school has supervision in the playground and at the gates.

Not at my nephews school they don’t…

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 17/01/2023 20:47

Delatron · 17/01/2023 19:43

This.

I’ve never known a primary school where all parents (plus any Tom, Dick or Harry off the street) can wander in and around the classrooms and corridors. If that’s the school policy then it’s a huge safeguarding issue.

We were never allowed in to wander around. Kids dropped at the gate and passed to the teacher.

Not saying the friend was right but the system seems wrong.

Did the OP answer the question- if you live 2 minutes walk away why can’t the adult at home (your DH) spend 4 minutes dropping him? Surely that’s easier than relying on friends.

Show quote history

He gets picked up the same time I leave. They all get to school 10 minutes before gates open then another 5 minutes before class doors open so it’s just a tight window for me which is why I’ve had help for some days

OP posts: