Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

WTF is wrong with her. On the odd occasion I have babysat for someone, I have had eyes in the back of my head. I’m so careful with others kids to make sure they are safe. How on earth do you do that? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to trust her with my child again. Her behaviour is disrespectful.

Finally, someone talking some sense.

Some of these comments, seriously, there’s no excuse at all for it. Clearly different schools have different drop off policies but you just don’t forget about a child in your care.

OP, you have every right to feel the way you do.

Whether you say something or not, it’ll be obvious with your new arrangement but you need to know and be sure your child has made their way to school safely and that’s all that matters.

I think it's likely a genuine mistake and she probably secretly feels awful about it- I know I would!

Sometimes when people have a lot in their mind and stressed about getting somewhere on time they forget things that aren't in their usual routine. That not to say this isn't a serious issue and it needs to be be spoken about but I think you should go about it sensitively and with compassion. I would forgive her and I'd stay friends but I don't think I would trust her with the responsibility of my kids again. Good luck with the conversation x

She just walked through and forgot to make sure he was following. She checked when she remembered - it’s was an oversight and the fact that she checked makes me think that she would never let it happen again. Your other friend - the one she rang might not have even mentioned it if she hadn’t called to make sure. I think you either trust that this won’t happen again or change your arrangement - no point calling her out on an oversight - it’s not as though she left him in the bus.

It was a different world though, back in the olden days, gran. kids just used to get snatched and fiddled with and nobody cared or spoke about it. Just because children are physically capable of being unsupervised, doesn't mean they should be. Just saying 🙃

It was wrong of her not to check your son was ok & fillowed into the school, but you need to organise proper childcare, or change your working hours so you take & collect your child from school. He is your responsibility.

Kids did not get snatched.
The real difference was that kids were walking with friends and siblings.

She made a mistake and is probably mortified! If you think she’d do it again then don’t let her take your child but I imagine after this scare she’ll be ultra cautious forever more. I wouldn’t feel shy about mentioning to her that you heard what happened and are upset so you can talk it out. It’d be a real shame to lose a good friendship over this

She did a shitty thing and most Mum’s would be mortified if they realised they had done this. Your ‘childcare’ arrangement is weird though, don’t they have a breakfast club or something instead?

OP I would be LIVID. There is no excuse for her mistake. YANBU. What a frightening thought.

your little boy sounds very sensible to ask another mum to take him in though needless to say you need to find a new (trustworthy) person.

I don't know why people find the arrangements so strange. When my son was in primary teacher opened the gate and we took our children in handing them over to the teacher at the door of the classroom.
We regularly would walk someone else's child in if they need to get off and the gate was a bit late opening. People help each other out.
OP I think it is likely your friend forgot precisely because it's not a regular every morning thing.

It really isn't strange for friends to help with childcare arrangements, me and my friend did a day each to cover our work for years. It's what good friends do. If I have offered to look after a friends DC then I would take full responsibility. In fact me and my close friend are to be legal guardians for each others DCs if anything ever happened to us.

Personally I’d raise it with her.
tell her your son said she left him outside the gates and he asked X to walk him in, and just ask if its true. See how she responds. People often rush things off because they feel embarrassed it happened.
I think you need to be careful though as she’s been doing you a huge favour and I don’t think she needs telling off for one mistake where nothing actually happened. I think just telling her you know and that son was upset will be enough…
I do think this is a huge responsibility to ask a friend to do on a regular basis though, a one off when you’re stuck maybe but a regular arrangement with such a young child is huge ask… I’d be pissed off if a friend asked me to this as I’d feel I couldn’t say no, but wouldn’t really want the responsibility of an extra child. School runs are stressful!

How on earth do people manage real life issues if doing a school run is stressful, I had 2 DCs in different schools due to waiting list for a year, and was working. Also took friends DC (she did afternoons pick ups). I cannot see what is stressful about dropping kids at school even with an extra one.

Some of the posters on this thread have been really bloody nasty to the OP, the OP has been lovely throughout and I feel she has had to justify herself unnecessarily several times.

Wait until the sky has not fallen down and resume normal services. She made an error , A jovial “Make sure he’s thro’ the gates this time”. That will make her aware that you know. No point in talking about. , shoulda, woulda coulda because he was safe and nothing happened. ,If you’re really that upset I suggest taking him yourself and arranging time at work.

Bubblegirly I wouldn’t bother replying to these mean judgemental comments anymore, I’ve read your thread and you seem like a completely reasonable and calm human being, you were right to be upset and I’m glad you’ve cleared it with your friend.

No you’re not being unreasonable. I don’t leave until my child goes into the building. (Similar age)

I’d tell her as it’s really not good

I consider myself to be a reasonable laid back parent but 😳 at some of the responses here.

Our school is the same as OP’s, you accompany your DC to the playground adjacent to their class until the teacher comes to fetch them. This is until Y5 and then if you’re ok with your kid walking to and from school, you email the school to let them know

Even if your school expects them to be dropped at the gate and make their way in, surely you stand and watch to make sure they get there? Even sensible children can be distracted and wander off.

As for the ‘oh well, school would have called you if DS hadn’t arrived’ by the time the DC had got in, taken their coats off and had the register taken, that could have been 15-20 minutes before the teacher noticed the absence. A lost kid could be several streets away by then. And getting that call would not help much if they’d already been involved in an RTC by this point.

YAWBU OP. But anyway, it’s sorted now 👍🏻

OP I have 6 kids ranging from 21 to 4 and at OUR particular primary school and others in our area we walk all reception, yr1 and yr2 children to class. Some parent even walk older ones if they want them too.
They are not to enter school until 8.45 unless at breakfast club and the Head is by the school gate to welcome them and ready to lock it at 9.05. So it is safe.
If late you go to main office door which is a separate access point.

Obviously some work differently but personally I want to make sure my 4 and 6 Yr old go in to class happy and say goodbye at the door.

All children are different as are all parents! Some people on this thread seem to of forgotten this fact!

Very judgmental people completely missing the point on this one.

And friends help friends that is bloody normal get a grip people.

Proud of your little one did the right thing in a situation they weren't used to.

Lovely update OP. Ignore people having a pop on here - MN has been grumpier than usual recently.

Glad you and your friend sorted out the blip. And she sounds lovely to have come and apologised. Nice to see a happy ending on here for a change!

"She will not be taking him again", you supplied the answer. Now just leave it.

Yes I’d be upset too.
If I’m doing my friend a favour with drop off/pick ups I tend to be extra alert than normal as I know one of kids isn’t mine!
Not sure what the digs ‘do it yourself is about’

I think you should at least mention it to the mum who took him to school, mornings are busy and she sounds like she has more than 1 child of her own to get ready and in to school, maybe you should look at putting him in to a breakfast club or something?
At the moment all you've got is another friends account of what happened & she may well be exaggerating or trying to stir the pot.

I'd be annoyed. But, you haven't hwars anything from her. Speak to her.

Sorry you've had such a rough time on here OP - some people's comments are just nasty and unnecessary. I think you have dealt with it well and glad you have got new arrangements sorted and not lost your friendship. Sounds like she's genuinely mortified at what happened so I hope you're both ok.