Friend left my child outside school gates on drop off

[Bubblegirly]

Hello. So I don’t think IABU but want some advise on how to deal with this situation. A few friends take it in turns to take my 5yo to school in the mornings as I work. Today one friend took DC who was playing with another child outside the gates when they got to school. Once the gates opened she just walked in with her kids and left him.

Another mum saw it happen and he went over to her and asked if she could walk him in as her child is in the same class. Apparently she waited after dropping to see if my friend came back looking for him which she didn’t.

friend phoned this other mum at 2.45 and said she had just realised she didn’t drop my DC in to school and did she do it? She sort of laughed it off and said she was miles away etc.

Friend hasn’t told me any of this. I’m feeling really upset and can’t stop thinking about what if something had happened. What if he hadn’t thought to ask someone to take him in or walked in the road etc and she didn’t realise till over 5 hours later. My. Child could have been potentially missing or lost for 5 hours and I wouldn’t have known. I need to bring this up but don’t know how really. We have been friends for 4 years and I don’t want to lose her but I’m also devastated and she will not be taking him again. I think what’s made me so upset is the laughing it off when that’s my baby and it could have been really bad. AIBU to be this upset? How do I approach this?

If you can’t take your your own child in then ask either a trusted grandparent or aunt or uncle of the child or you pay for a professional.

Not read the thread so don’t know why you are saying your child is your most precious thing but you allow their safety to be handled by acquaintances/friends who have their own children to look out for.

I was right with you until that last paragraph.....

How magnanimous of your son to still want to be friends with her children. Why wouldn't he though?

I think you're making such a big deal of this it's influencing him and putting him on far too much of a pedestal.

Her children did no wrong.

I haven't RTFT, I'm assuming from the first page most people are continuing to say it's on you because of your childcare arrangement, but of course, the reality is once that child was in your friend's care, she was responsible and she failed the child massively.

We pretty much all do things though as parents at some point at least once where the consequences would have been devastating and it teaches us a life long lesson. I posted on here about my thing wanting a bollocking because I felt so bad, but people were ever so kind and understanding.

She knows she's done it and she knows you know she's done it. I think the only thing you can do now is never ask her again, as you've already said. If I had done this, I probably would be so upset and would have told you and part of that conversation would have been that I didn't feel up to taking care of somebody else's child like that anymore as, just putting my own self in you friends' shoes, it would genuinely put me off doing it as much as it would put you off asking me.

It hasn't been her reaction, but in fairness, I do understand her damage limitation as he was at the school gate. There would have been lots of people around to spot him, and I do genuinely think despite the potential "what ifs", even my incredibly er, free spirited (and dosy) 5yo boy would have gone through the gates of his own accord in this situation. I'm just saying this because of her reaction, not that it was okay to do in the first place.

I'm still confused about how she could have forgotten him... But I don't think you have much more power than to do what you've already decided which is not trust him with her again.

I fear that you have made a casual arrangement with a mum who already has 3 of her own children to get to, presumably, 3 different areas of the school. I imagine this mum just assumed that your child was following her. If you've got 3 children, they don't all hold your hand but they follow close to you. Your child didn't know this expectation.
It's probably better to get a professional to do the job. Although, if you live 2 mins away from school and you (or someone else) is available to transfer your child into someone else's care, you could rearrange your schedule slightly and take your child yourself. At least while they are little. This is your opportunity to make a more secure arrangement.
i wouldn't have a go at the other mum. Really, don't go there. I think you should thank her for her help in the past but say you've made a new arrangement.

friend caught me this afternoon to apologise. She was very upset and sincere and said she doesn’t know what happened. Just one of those moments. She was very worried about our friendship which I assured her we will still remain friends and I appreciate her seeking me out to explain and apologise. We are going to pause her helping me as our friendship is the priority over school runs

Oh I've just seen this! THat makes perfect sense, glad it's all sorted.

This is so not OK! I teach 5 year old children and parents hand their children directly to the staff. One parent left her child at the school gates and went off and it was a big deal. The head teacher sent out a communication that children in the younger classes must not be left alone in the mornings.

I am so sick of people in aibu getting their bees in bonnets about snippets of information that have no real weight. Whenever you trust someone with your child and they walk off and forget about them, it wrong! It's wrong if it's your paid babysitter, your mum, your auntie, your friend doing you a favour. It's wrong! It doesn't matter if the kid is super streetwise, sensible, knows the way etc. That's not the point! A child alone is vulnerable by virtue of being a small child and not being with an adult to supervise them.

In your shoes I would be devastated and would stop taking her help and put your kid into breakfast club. If she asks why, tell her that you think it's too much to ask of her seeing as she forgot your son and so you realised she has her hands too full to take on another child. This would be the end of the friendship for me and I would start retreating.

Just saw this. So glad you got it sorted.

It may have been a genuine mistake. Parents have been known to lose their own children.

I am shocked at the responses on here! I work in a school that has children up to year 4. All children are expected to be taken to their classroom door by the adult responsible for them. If a child it’s dropped at the gate by their adult and expected to walk in alone, it is registered in our system and the adult then contacted by the school to remind them that they must drop at the door. Persistent drop offs at the gate and not at the class door is then raised as a safeguarding issue. The school is not responsible for a child until they are in the classroom. I cannot believe that people think that it would be OK for a child to be left alone to walk through a playground and get themselves to class at 5yrs old, capable or not!

Personally I'd have told my ds that he needs to stay with her properly as she has other children to deal with too and not to be wondering off playing with his friends at the gate.

Times change don't they. I used to drop my kids at the end of the cul de sac where there school was, the 5 year old would walk down with the 8 year old, their crowd of friends would all play football for 30 to 40 minutes until the school door opened. The 70s really were another land weren't they. My mother thought they would be fine going all the way by themselves like we did in the 50s. God knows what kids did in the 30s. I should have asked her while she was still alive.

My sister just reminded me that she took two buses to school at age of 5.

Goodness sake, is it so hard for people to understand that schools have different arrangements

My children school, much like the OPs we have to take our children to the classroom door. Only in years 5 and 6 are they allowed to go alone. There is no playground supervision at all during drop off, parents are responsible until children are handed over at the door. It's actually a really useful system as you develop a relationship with the class teacher.

How is that relevant? My ex was sent up to the shops at 2! Times have changed. Not only that, OP wasn't comfortable with her DC being left outside the gate

This confused me too . Do you leave for work at the same time that your DS is picked up by the friend ?

Whether or not she's sick of it isn't the issue,she should have made sure he arrived in his class.Very off hand behaviour.

I would just text and say is everything ok my son said he lost you this morning and when she's says I didn't see him in..just say thank God nothing bad happened and I'll remind him to never leave an adult supervising him because it's dangerous then in in directly let's get know your blaming her but it's worrying.

I made a comment, nowhere in my post did I say the friend wasn’t wrong.

Not blaming her!it should say

We have a park opposite the school and we take it in turns to walk the children across the road and see them through the school gate when it opens.

We just sort of herd them all over, if I had specifically asked one Mum to walk mine but she got swept up with her own kids and forgot mine they would be someone else there who noticed and sent mine over.

It’s a great arrangement and means I can rush off to work on time, and the non working parents get an easier morning instead of standing waiting for the gates to open.

You need to bring it up to the other parent, but don’t overreact. Was your child on any actual danger? 5 years is old enough to be able to know to walk into school when the other kids are walking into school.

Yes I am going to apply for this. I actually wanted to do this originally but all my friends said oh please don’t put him in breakfast club. It’s horrible going in so early when it’s dark and cold etc and we would rather take him.

It's not "horrible", it's reality for many children of working parents. So all your friends (if they truly said this) need to get a grip and understand that many of us have no choice but to send our little ones to childcare when it's "dark and cold" in the morning and I'm pretty sure we don't traumatise them 🙄

And funnily enough they also have heating and lighting inside the breakfast club so it's not actually "dark and cold" once they're in there! It's actually quite cosy and smells of fresh toast (well my daughter's does). I'd actually rather stay there than go to work most days!

This is so super weird. Glad the OP isn't one of my friends, but I think she's far too special to be friends with mortals. Phew.

This.

I’ve never known a primary school where all parents (plus any Tom, Dick or Harry off the street) can wander in and around the classrooms and corridors. If that’s the school policy then it’s a huge safeguarding issue.

We were never allowed in to wander around. Kids dropped at the gate and passed to the teacher.

Not saying the friend was right but the system seems wrong.

Did the OP answer the question- if you live 2 minutes walk away why can’t the adult at home (your DH) spend 4 minutes dropping him? Surely that’s easier than relying on friends.