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Original poster

Settle a household debate - having a drink and being in charge of kids

523 replies

DuffLite · 16/01/2023 20:01

How much would you say is fine to drink if you were “in charge” of your kids on say a Saturday night. All already fed and nobody needing to go out so no requirement to cook etc - everyone just chilling out for the evening, doing their own thing

OP posts:
Harrysfrostbittentodger · 16/01/2023 21:59

Honestly, I love a drink. But there’s no way I could put the kids to bed after having any more than a glass of wine with dinner.

I will usually try to abstain for up to an hour after they go to bed, in case they wake up and I have to sort them out. But I will indulge after nine o’clock and drink up to half a bottle of wine (or 3 beers or 3 ciders).

I have the luxury of not being able to drive and a teetotal husband who can drive, so don’t ever need to worry about a drink driving limit.

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:00

The strange MN parallel world where someone must always be sober to drive to hospital at all times!

Blufelt · 16/01/2023 22:01

3points · 16/01/2023 21:42

A glass or two if you handle your booze are fine, I'm talking about drunk like uni days or whatever, really pissed type of drunk. That's not compatible with being a good parent. A glass or two an evening if it will make you a bit tipsy but still aware is fine.

Who on earth can handle being really pissed after 40 anyway? I had my share of hangovers in teens and twenties, but nowadays I can’t afford to lose a day by feeling crap. Not just because of kids - I also have laundry, housework, gardening, a dog to walk, a responsible job which means people sometimes call me at weekends, elderly parents… the list goes on. Plus when you’re older it takes more effort to maintain your health and weight. And you don’t recover as fast either, a drinking session at that age can knock you over for 2-3 days.

Devoutspoken · 16/01/2023 22:03

No drink from the moment of conception until old age, when all your responsibilities are over

Nowdontmakeamess · 16/01/2023 22:04

In an emergency you would get an ambulance surely.

Have you read the news at all? Huge delays in ambulance response times and availability. People are having to get themselves to hospital.

strumpert · 16/01/2023 22:06

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:00

The strange MN parallel world where someone must always be sober to drive to hospital at all times!

I had a disabled child. There's no taxis here and they could go from fine to need hospital in an hour.

If I was waiting for a taxi or an ambulance I'd be waiting a while.

And I was a single parent. There wasn't anyone else.

Neighbour to sit with the others. Sick one in car and set off.

I don't understand why people can't understand that not everyone lives somewhere with taxis / Ubers - or a co-parent close enough and involved enough to step up quickly in an emergency

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:06

Nowdontmakeamess · 16/01/2023 22:04

In an emergency you would get an ambulance surely.

Have you read the news at all? Huge delays in ambulance response times and availability. People are having to get themselves to hospital.

But MNetters have always had to have a sober adult to drive in an emergency-long before the current crisis.

Pirrin · 16/01/2023 22:07

I've known people who were not alcoholics but enjoyeda few drinks when the kids were about. In those cases I didn't feel they were irresponsible or ever took too far (if one parent did the other wouldnt for instance) BUT I wouldn't do the same myself.

It's not all about the car driving, although I would want to be able to drive if necessary. It's more about the ability to respond to any situation that might arise while I was the sole adult responsible for small children. Mine woke lots and needed me when they did. A drink or two would be fine but I wouldn't feel happy with more.

Echoing a previous poster who said they remember their mum being just differen and not liking it. I had a parent who was regularly tipsy/drunk and that inability to access the real version of that person felt incredibly unsettling. Uneasiness around drunk people lasted a long time into adulthood - that inability to penetrate the drunk persona and really communicate with the person felt scary snd unpredictable to me (i can deal witj it now). I'm asure that experince also drives my desire to not have my kids see me affected by alcohol, but if I was alone it would mainly be about safety. I probably am uptight mind!

Dutchesss · 16/01/2023 22:07

It really isn't OK to be drinking 6+ cans of cider while in charge of a baby, a toddler and a primary aged child.

I feel sad for anyone who thinks that 'life ends' when heavy drinking isn't involved. There's so much more to life.

tigger1001 · 16/01/2023 22:08

Mine are both teenagers now. But

I didn't drink when they were little as I breastfed until they were around 2. And in all honesty I couldn't have coped with little sleep then a hangover.

Now, I do have a drink in the house (rarely out) but can honestly say neither of my children have seen me drunk. I enjoy a gin but don't enjoy being drunk, so rarely have more than a couple

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:08

And back in the real world; mum and dad share a bottle of wine on a saturday night when the kids are bed.

AnotherSuperHeroe · 16/01/2023 22:09

DuffLite · 16/01/2023 20:07

In that case, using that logic, do you never ever have a proper drink? Planning to be on red alert for emergency 24/7/365 feels ridiculous to me?

Anxiety disorder?

Show quote history

OP - that was a nasty comment to make and the person who replied to you is actually quite sensible.

you sound as if you have a drinking problem

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:10

Oh, and they go to the local pub for Sunday lunch and both have a couple of drinks, walking home afterwards.

SillySausage81 · 16/01/2023 22:11

My mum was a “happy” drunk and I remember it very well as a small child. She’d never be abusive or emotional, but she’d be giggly and a bit silly as she was putting us to bed. I hated it so much - it’s like it wasn’t my mum but this stranger who was (to my mind) unpredictable and just ‘different’. It was really unsettling.

Yes, same. Then she'd transition to getting all sentimental... and I just found it profoundly disturbing in a way I find hard to describe... it causes me visceral disgust even now. Probably in no small part because she was like it almost every evening... one of these "oh for god sake, it's just one glass of wine!" people, when actually it was 4 glasses, and each glass held a third of a bottle... and as the evening wore on she'd be making less and less sense so you knew there was no point talking to her about anything more serious than "can you pass me the remote?" Then there was the drink driving... and the stench, and the hot smelly breath... then the fact that when we became teenagers my sister ended up getting into some very serious problems but my mum didn't even notice because she was on the piss by 6pm every evening (this was while holding down a good job the entire time and presenting a very respectable face to the world).

So whilst I'm not saying no parent should ever get drunk in front of their kids, there is no way I am going to make a regular habit of it.

And certainly not with a 1 year old in the house. At that age it's not even about emergencies... everything they do you need to be compos mentis for... even just carrying them down the corridor without tripping up... if they wake up in the night... the constant "no, don't touch that", "no, take that out your mouth"...

Rollonspring23 · 16/01/2023 22:13

I always make sure that one of us is able to drive in an emergency when the kids are at home.

Moken · 16/01/2023 22:13

My 'happy drunk' parents would sometimes drive us home from restaurants/friend's houses tanked up on Champagne.

They were a product of their times and social group, but they judge the fuck out of themselves now and wouldn't touch a drop before driving.

lifeinthehills · 16/01/2023 22:14

Just one. Because I don't handle my alcohol well and it affects me strongly. Not that I drink but I'd have one if I wanted to.

Drunk or tipsy would be irresponsible.

Scarecrowrowboat · 16/01/2023 22:15

A glass. Being drunk/hungover around toddlers is shit.

Highabovethetrees · 16/01/2023 22:16

KickHimInTheCrotch · 16/01/2023 21:58

I'm a single parent and rarely get a child free night out so if I fancy an alcoholic drink at home, I'll have one. Drinking in moderation is perfectly acceptable with children in the house. I never get drunk or out of control and could always manage in an emergency. Would definitely avoid drinking too much if caring for a baby as well to minimise the risk of accidents.. The driving thing is irrelevant imo. Would I be a less capable parent if I didn't own a car or the car was in the garage for a few days?

I think it's probably good for older children to witness responsible, moderate drinking in their care givers. So they understand that alcohol can be enjoyed by adults responsibly and doesn't have to involve getting drunk or behavi g badly.

Probably normal for parents to smoke around their kids too to show them that it can be enjoyed in moderation 🙄

Like children of smokers being more likely to take up the habit, drinking regularly around kids just normalises it and makes it more likely that they will be become habitual drinkers too.

Clairedelaplume · 16/01/2023 22:16

@Nowdontmakeamess Gosh no I haven’t read the news at all, are infants dying all over the country while their parents get drunk due to an nhs crisis or something? And taxi drivers on strike to boot? Well I take it all back in that case!

and really the pp claiming that ‘the old you is gone forever’ once you’ve procreated?! Really?! OTT much?

I do think your perception of your own upbringing and where that sat on the boozy scale probably has a lot to do with it. My parents were booze hounds but it was fun. We are silly generally around our children so I don’t think they even notice whether there is a wine or beer on the table or not.

I’m interested to know where all these parochial posters spend their real lives. I can count doctors, paediatric nurses, CEOs, academics, (etc etc) on my very long list of people I know who will happily get drunk while the kids are in bed!

EndOfEternity · 16/01/2023 22:20

DuffLite · 16/01/2023 20:07

In that case, using that logic, do you never ever have a proper drink? Planning to be on red alert for emergency 24/7/365 feels ridiculous to me?

Anxiety disorder?

Show quote history

Shocked by your response here. You asked a question, seemed to not like the answer so suggested a diagnosis for the poster. Really?!
Alcohol alters mood, so the person drinking it is more likely to be managing mood issues than the person not using it.

I wouldn’t drink in that situation. If I wanted to do something fun I’d do something else which would leave me fully capable to manage sickness/ disagreements/ accidents/ driving or whatever.

SillySausage81 · 16/01/2023 22:20

Just to add. My dad was never a 'bad' drunk. But god did it hurt and upset me when I could tell he wasn't really listening to me, couldn't understand what I was trying to tell him

Yes, this. Perfectly put. It's profoundly upsetting when you know you can't even chat to your parent because it's not really them, and they don't really understand what you're saying and probably won't even remember the conversation in the morning. Maybe not so bad as a one-off, but when it's a regular thing it's very disturbing.

senior30 · 16/01/2023 22:21

FancyFanny · 16/01/2023 22:08

And back in the real world; mum and dad share a bottle of wine on a saturday night when the kids are bed.

the OP is saying she disagrees with her partner that 6 cans of cider is the limit to drink when in charge of a baby a toddler and a primary aged child. Lots of parents do share a bottle of wine at the weekend but 6 glasses or more? I don’t think so. She also said that the kids are ‘doing their own thing’ so not in bed. Nowhere in the real world is that acceptable

123woop · 16/01/2023 22:21

Depends on age of kids but probably a couple of glasses of wine? Having said that, if I was home alone with them and DP was out i wouldn't drink at all incase something happened.

I was always amazed at my friends who had kids before me who would get absolutely hammered whilst their young kids were asleep upstairs (or in some cases, still awake and running round whilst the parents could barely stand up!) Made me feel very anxious.

Now I've got kids of my own, I don't know where people get the energy from to drink 😂

Highabovethetrees · 16/01/2023 22:21

SillySausage81 · 16/01/2023 22:11

My mum was a “happy” drunk and I remember it very well as a small child. She’d never be abusive or emotional, but she’d be giggly and a bit silly as she was putting us to bed. I hated it so much - it’s like it wasn’t my mum but this stranger who was (to my mind) unpredictable and just ‘different’. It was really unsettling.

Yes, same. Then she'd transition to getting all sentimental... and I just found it profoundly disturbing in a way I find hard to describe... it causes me visceral disgust even now. Probably in no small part because she was like it almost every evening... one of these "oh for god sake, it's just one glass of wine!" people, when actually it was 4 glasses, and each glass held a third of a bottle... and as the evening wore on she'd be making less and less sense so you knew there was no point talking to her about anything more serious than "can you pass me the remote?" Then there was the drink driving... and the stench, and the hot smelly breath... then the fact that when we became teenagers my sister ended up getting into some very serious problems but my mum didn't even notice because she was on the piss by 6pm every evening (this was while holding down a good job the entire time and presenting a very respectable face to the world).

So whilst I'm not saying no parent should ever get drunk in front of their kids, there is no way I am going to make a regular habit of it.

And certainly not with a 1 year old in the house. At that age it's not even about emergencies... everything they do you need to be compos mentis for... even just carrying them down the corridor without tripping up... if they wake up in the night... the constant "no, don't touch that", "no, take that out your mouth"...

Oh yes, the gaslighting.... Apart from the, no they couldn't be alcoholics because they only drank wine thing, if my mum "fell asleep" of an evening, it was because she was "tired". 🙄

And yes, not being able to talk to her seriously past a certain point.

My father was actually an abusive alcoholic; even though my mum wasn't (though wasn't able to protect us), I still never regained the respect I lost for her as a teenager. All because of alcohol.