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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shook up by death of someone I don't know

133 replies

Greengables4 · 16/01/2023 14:00

I knew who she was, she dated a guy I used to chat to a bit. I'd seen her on social media but didn't know her in person, though she had one or two mutual friends. She was pretty and seemed popular with a loving family. She lived in my area.
She committed suicide a few days ago and was only in her early 20s. I find it so heartbreaking, even if I didn't know her. It's really got me down for some reason, I like many others cannot comprehend why, but I suppose only the people who take their own lives know why, they have their reasons.
Does anybody else ever feel like this if they didn't know the person? I felt the same after Caroline Flack, chilled to the bone

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 16/01/2023 14:01

It’s a very human response. You shouldn’t criticise yourself for it.

BudgetBeatrice · 16/01/2023 14:05

Young people dying in tragic circumstances is upsetting. You are not being U to feel a bit shaken by it

snoodle1 · 16/01/2023 14:14

Hi. You are definetly NOT being unreasonable. I accidently clicked on unresonable and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to and I can't work out how to undo it! If anyone from MN is monitoring this, please could you change my response to NOT being unreasonable.

BudgetBeatrice · 16/01/2023 14:15

@snoodle1 you just click on YANBU I think and it changes your response.

BertaHoon · 16/01/2023 14:17

A suicide by a young person will always hit home.

You'd be weird if you didn't care.

Move22 · 16/01/2023 14:20

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

we don’t say committed suicide any longer that is an awful term in itself. Thanks all.

DismantledKing · 16/01/2023 14:21

Move22 · 16/01/2023 14:20

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

we don’t say committed suicide any longer that is an awful term in itself. Thanks all.

This is what you’ve taken from the thread? A chance to police the language used?

DuplicateUserName · 16/01/2023 14:24

Move22 · 16/01/2023 14:20

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

we don’t say committed suicide any longer that is an awful term in itself. Thanks all.

If you're going to police people on the internet, you might at least say why it's considered an awful term to use?

harrywho · 16/01/2023 14:25

Move22 · 16/01/2023 14:20

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

we don’t say committed suicide any longer that is an awful term in itself. Thanks all.

I absolutely agree with this. It is a terrible term but it is still very commonly used. It originates from when suicide was a criminal offence.

SNWannabe · 16/01/2023 14:27

I was also very shaken and saddened by the death of “Twitch” from the Ellen Show. I guess when someone who has fame, talent, love etc dies in such a way… it makes you think. There wasn’t anything that man couldn’t buy or pay for in life like a lifestyle or therapy or whatever. But he didn’t. And his life felt not worth living… So so sad and tragic for everyone. Really there are no winners in suicide.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 14:28

A polite request doesn't convey someone using a 'chance to police language' to me.
It's just a polite request.
The term 'commit' is from when it was a crime and full of shame to have it happen in the family. Gently asking people to adopt other descriptions isn't motivated by wanting to police I don't think, I think it's someone hoping to add a little to the cultural move away from the shame of suicide.

But I think feeling shaken by this event is natural op. Knowing someone was in deep emotional pain is distressing especially if they weren't so far removed from your life.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/01/2023 14:35

I don't know her at all OP and even I'm gutted by it. I have a daughter myself
In her early 20s. I can't and wouldn't want to imagine what her poor heartbroken family (although heartbroken doesn't even come close to covering it) are going through.
No matter how good a persons life looks like from the outside or no matter how good their life actually is you don't know what demons they're facing everyday. Also depression knows no boundaries its an illness that can effect anyone regardless of their life style and even if they have no worries at all, just like someone who has never smoked can get lung cancer.

dottiedodah · 16/01/2023 14:39

Its natural to feel upset by something like this I think .A young person with everything to live for has taken their own life .Why ? is what everyone asks .There are often no clear reasons though .For whatever reason she did not feel able to live any longer .Shock and disbelief .Life is too much for some people a friend of ours used to say and maybe she was right

Georgeskitchen · 16/01/2023 14:39

Nothing weird in how you are feeling. Suicide is awful. An old school friend of my son took his own life recently, early 20s and a new father. I didn't know him.but felt very sad about it x

babsanderson · 16/01/2023 14:40

It is fine feeling like this.
But those closest may know why she killed herself. A friend of mine killed herself and I heard lots of people saying it was inexplicable. They simply did not know what she was struggling with. People can have on the surface a nice life but still have their own struggles.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 16/01/2023 14:43

Move22 · 16/01/2023 14:20

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

we don’t say committed suicide any longer that is an awful term in itself. Thanks all.

Who is we? I haven’t had the memo

Terven · 16/01/2023 14:44

My neighbour young adult child died in a horrific motor accident last year. I was just on a “hello” basis with them but it affected me deeply. I saw them grow up and then this brutal end.

SallyCinnamon12 · 16/01/2023 14:46

So unspeakably tired of the constant policing of language these days.

Such time and energy would be more usefully directed into doing something about the underlying causes of suicide.

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 16/01/2023 14:52

SallyCinnamon12 · 16/01/2023 14:46

So unspeakably tired of the constant policing of language these days.

Such time and energy would be more usefully directed into doing something about the underlying causes of suicide.

I don't agree, there are lots of terms that are no longer used and rightly so. My sibling has a cleft palate, the common name for this when he was a child has thankfully almost disappeared, much like the derogatory term for down syndrome. This is not policing, it is understanding the story behind it and why it isn't appropriate.

Housenoob · 16/01/2023 14:56

I felt like this about Mike Thalassitis, the male Love Island contestant who took his own life. This one shook me like no others did and I can't quite explain why.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/01/2023 14:57

As someone whose mother committed suicide/killed herself/died of mental illness (all ways I have described it at various times) - there is no right way to describe it which some well-meaning busybody gets to impose on every other bereaved person.

Seriously, I honestly can't imagine that anyone affected by suicide with all the pain and difficulty it brings has the emotional energy spare to give a shit how, in abstract, the action is described by other people.

Yes 'committed suicide' has its roots in when it was a crime, but we still say 'committed adultery' even though that's not a crime any more either. There's no need to upend the language in order to change the culture of shame around suicide. It's not like if I say that my mother 'ended her own life' instead of 'committed suicide' people don't look embarrassed and horrified, stutter and hastily change the subject in a way they never would if I said she had died of sepsis or something. That will take a bigger change than the words we use to describe the act, it will take humanity, compassion and understanding.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/01/2023 14:59

And OP, YANBU. Suicide is incredibly upsetting, destabilising and it's normal to be thrown by it.

SallyCinnamon12 · 16/01/2023 15:00

This reply has been deleted

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custardbear · 16/01/2023 15:00

Hugs OP it's a tragedy, and it affects people. I've lost a few work colleagues in 2022 and it's similar, not close by I was line manager and colleagues with sone and it really rests hard on your mind. It will get better but try to do something nice to acknowledge them, poem, light a candle etc. One friend/colleague I knew died unexpectedly so lit a candle and drank whisky as she was a Scot and enjoyed a wee dram - it was September and it's still sitting with me but it's getting easier

arghtriffid · 16/01/2023 15:02

Please use the term died by suicide.
or
took their own life

Be quiet.