Shook up by death of someone I don't know

[Greengables4]

I knew who she was, she dated a guy I used to chat to a bit. I'd seen her on social media but didn't know her in person, though she had one or two mutual friends. She was pretty and seemed popular with a loving family. She lived in my area.
She committed suicide a few days ago and was only in her early 20s. I find it so heartbreaking, even if I didn't know her. It's really got me down for some reason, I like many others cannot comprehend why, but I suppose only the people who take their own lives know why, they have their reasons.
Does anybody else ever feel like this if they didn't know the person? I felt the same after Caroline Flack, chilled to the bone

*A polite request doesn't convey someone using a 'chance to police language' to me.

'We don't say...' isn't a polite request, though, it's condescending and judgey.

'Committed suicide' is a commonly used phrase. Thinking about it, I can completely see why people would want to avoid it and will avoid it myself in future, but often we just say phrases without thinking of their origin.

Of course people feel like this. You will carry on your life and be mostly unaffected though. Thankfully most of us realise that it’s in poor taste to be a grief thief, but no doubt the vultures will all turn up here to outdo each other on how upset they were by various people dying that they didn’t know. One will have cried all morning, one all day, so another will have cried for a week.

Absobloodylutely. It’s the sanctimony, the Euriah Heepesque hand wringing that I just can not bear.

Oh just go away.

It’s not commonly used by charities set up to support families and friends who lost people. It’s not used by counsellors and therapists. If people don’t know and use outdated terms, that’s fine, but listen, learn and change your language.

My sister's colleague had to go home this week because Lisa Marie Presley died and she was too upset to work! Normally reliable person, but everyone has to cover for her absence for this reason! 😲

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Yes, totally agree re Mike. Such an attractive guy, 26 years old, world at his feet. I was very sad about his death too. Apparently he had money worries that the public weren't aware of.

Then I hope she gets the help she needs with her mental health, because presuming she’s not a relative or friend of Lisa Marie Presley, that’s not the reaction of someone coping with life.

True, that is a bit condescending, I was focused on the please and thank you. I think phrases can come to lose some of the original meaning as they move into modern versions of common usage. So I'm in two minds whether we always need to eschew phrases with bad baggage from bygone days. Though on balance I think it's usually best.

@HighSchoolZombie It is the reaction of someone who has not properly dealt with their grief or still actively grieving.

I’m sure his family will appreciate you bringing up his financial affairs. Did you not see Caroline Flacks mum saying how hard it was to see people discussing her finances. If you’re soooo caring, then learn!

I’m speaking as someone who has been hospitalised multiple times for reasons associated with suicidal ideation and attempts.

If mental health services in this country (and that includes the piss-poor MH charities) spent their time not treating those with personality disorders and suicidal ideation as nuisances, and actually tried to do some good rather that re-traumatising those who seek help that’d be a start.

No, it’s far easier to try and police language though. It requires far less effort and personal reflection.

Don’t fucking patronise me.

what is?

It’s possible to do more than one thing at once. Language matters to many victims families too.

I thought the poster who made the request for the language around suicide to be reconsidered was polite. We don't know anyone else's experiences so perhaps they've been bereaved by suicide so some of the response are pretty OTT.

I have lost someone to suicide and it really jars when people use the term 'commit' mainly because it's an outdated term as it's not a criminal offence now. It's not a case that I'm offended or one of these people that uses the term 'passed' rather than died - if people ask me I say the person I lost killed themselves - but language evolves and sometimes we need to be open to making a small change.

I'm sorry to the OP, you are valid to feel how you feel. When I lost someone to suicide I had people apologizing for being so upset, people that I'd not met and who only knew the deceased briefly but in a way I was touched, I had seen enough from others acting as the grief police to think anything else really.

We do say it actually. Please don't appoint yourself the arbiter of words and order everyone else to say things your way. It's offensive.

"Chilled to the bone" describes it perfectly.

I have always felt this when hearing of people dying by suicide.

I lost my best friend to suicide several years ago, and my devastation and grief was of course off the charts. But it's not unreasonable to feel shaken when hearing that a person you distantly know of has died this way. Death doesn't have to be intimately close to us to affect us, and actually I think it's a good thing that we as humans naturally feel troubled to hear of such violence (especially self-directed violence) and pain, as it demonstrates our connection to each other.

No it isn’t. Better care from inadequate MH services is what saves lives, not nonsense like this. It just makes practitioners feel better.

Patronising twaddle.

I'm finding this thread really offensive. Grief vampirism and patronising language police.

I get that a less judgmental attitude towards those who kill themselves would be a good thing, but it's difficult to see how it would save lives... people don't kill themselves because they're worried they'll be judged for killing themselves do they?

Destigmatising suicide is to increase understanding and support for the bereaved, not for 'saving lives'.

I have increasingly come to the view it isn’t safe to try to say or do anything kind when there is a death or serious illness you hear of. This week someone who has cancer and another condition has been very critical in an impolite way when complimented on how well she is looking. Another person who I know blew up when I volunteered to help after she had cancer surgery. Now today there is this criticism of people using the wrong wording for suicide. I despair and resolve in future to keep firmly on the other side of the street.

Not unreasonable at all. I remember feeling the exact same after Caroline Flack. It was weirdly as if we knew her but of course didn't. I've never felt like that with any celebrity but her death felt so unnecessary.