Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

Most of us have had this done to us at some stage or another. The cheeky fuckers get away with it because of the embarrassment of others. Honestly, it is a case of standing up to them. After he ordered you to pay £48, you needed to say "I don't think that's what I owe, I'll take a look" then get out your phone calculator and re-do the calculation. There are so many stealing fucks out there. I've had it done to me one too many times - next person that tries it is getting a rocket. It hasn't happened lately though, because I make sure never to go out with someone again if they think stealing from friends is OK. That is what it is!

Not unreasonable but you should have said something IMO.
Personally I don't get into who had what, I know some people do and if all in agreement fine.
It looks like he did something like split the cost of Birthday girl with friends and not wife, not actually that far out but petty either way all the same.
I would have said 'No that's not right, we said we'd pay for Birthday friend and split the bill between the rest of us, £170 div 4 - simple.
I would avoid dinner with anyone that gets into a few pounds and pence on a bill, lines too short.

You say you have a jokey relationship.

Next time I'd joke something like "hey, friend, give that bill to me to work out, we all know you shafted us the last time!" Laughing.

If he asks what you mean, just laugh saying it's ok, but you still can't work out how you ended up paying £48 alcohol free and he ended up paying £36 (or half of what he paid) per person with extra alcohol and dishes!

Cheeky git. I had this at my last birthday. It was supossed to be a gift to me from a friend. Three extra people turned up and I ended up paying half as no one offered to pay accept my bff. One person scoffed and drank £100 and paid nothing. I have seen them once since!

YANBU, OP.

But to the person who wrote:

Everyone I know would expect to bring their spouse to a social event with people of the opposite gender.

... I can't even imagine what it's like to live in your world!

"We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward"

Ultimately the long and the short of it is that you let this happen, and to avoid it happening again in the future you need to get more okay with feeling uncomfortable and letting others feel uncomfortable. It's good to practice having boundaries because you need them not just with friends but with work and definitely with your child!

"Oi Geoff you cheeky sod mine came to £25 plus my contribution to birthday girl's, which does not equal 48 quid!"

"That doesn't seem right, let me see the bill. [sees the bill]". My food and drink was £25 and I'll chuck in a tenner towards birthday girl's and a tip. Here's the cash, I'm off to the loo while you work it out again (taking cash including a little change to group meals is always useful) /I'll go to the bar and pay mine on my card and leave you to recalculate the rest"

[Text message] Hey Geoff I'm still puzzled how my food and drink + contribution to birthday girl's came to £48. by my reckoning it should have been just over £30. You still got the receipt?"

Yanbu

That's really puzzling. I'd have felt ripped off too. They sound like a delight. 🙄

@FancyFran What the fuck, why didn't you tell those people to damn well pay for their own?? There is no way in hell I'd be paying for somebody else's £100 worth of stuff!

It happens all the time. You either say something right there at the time the bill arrives or never and just accept these things happen in a social situation. Next time let everyone pay for what they are/drank, even if it means sorting out the bill for 20 minutes!

Oh yes I often have this problem, two couples and me and my round comes after the two men, never do their wives pay a round. Or even food, turns to pay at the restaurant over a weekend.

Yep. After much CFery done to me I make sure I know what I've ordered and pay only that (plus share of the birthday girl's, if appropriate). If people want to take the piss they aren't going to do it to me. Why is it embarrassing to only pay for what you've consumed? Otherwise it just enables the CFs to get away with it.

It is frustrating when this happens. At my gran mother's 80th birthday. We had a meal at a posh restaurant.
My mum was sat on a table with her husband, plus some other family members. My mum doesn't drink, my dad only had a couple of beers, which he brought from the bar, so paid for. The others on the table ordered bottles of wine, none of which my parents drunk.
As it was expensive, they only ordered a main course, and I think pudding. Choosing the cheapest options. However when the bill came, it split between all on the table, even though my parents said they would pay for there meal, some towards, grandparents meal. So they ended up paying for food they didn't eat, plus wine they didn't drink.
That's the last time the had a family meal, for my grans 90th, they had a buffet.

something similar when I first started at my work when I was younger went out for a meal and there was talk from a few cf colleagues who was stating that they was getting expensive meals/drinks because they knew older members of staff would split the meal price by numbers of people at the meal, I made it very clear that I was paying for what I had and no extra (unless special occasion) so as soon as we went in to restaurant I stated can we have separate bills please.

I always take my fiancé to things

What a saddo.

@ThereIbledit the lady tried it again two months later when she invited her daughter to lunch with us. She asked the waiter to spilt the bill, I said no I'll pay for mine. I haven't seen her since! I think she invited her daughter in case I suggested she pay something towards the birthday lunch. She is happy to spend £80 on jeans and has never been to Aldi. Cheeky mare. The beauty of no longer drinking means I am quite vocal now.

I found your op incredibly rude about bringing his wife. That’s more of an issue in my mind.

Yeah this is what I would do in this situation & it’s clearly what the other two did.
You don’t need to be in eachothers pockets when married and reeks of control by the wife. Probs the vibes the friends are getting too.

It's embarrassing when you're with someone trying to calculate what they spent to the last penny.

Tbh, I've been annoyed more by people doing that than having to pay a bit extra because someone's skipped out. It just seems super stingy to me.

Are you sure your share should have been £25?

You had a starter, main, presumably a drink? Where did you go? That's cheap!

I'm guessing you're American. It is definitely not normal to tip 20% in the UK. Tips are only given for great service (definitely not expected like in the US) and even then at a rate of around 10-12.5%.

Yeah it’s not fair, but it might have been genuine error, you should have pointed it out at the time because if you raise it now it’s making it into a much bigger deal, don’t end a 15 year friendship over a tenner.

I don’t think the OP is being rude at all re. Wife.

It’s weird to me if he presumably know the others don’t bring their partners except for the occasions they specifically have family meet ups, and yet keeps bringing his wife.

None of my friends bring their partners along unless we were all part of the same friendship group and are friends with their partners too eg. uni friends.

I’d hate for my friends to do that and would think it was a bit pathetic really !

Also if the person who you are celebrating is single and they’re having a small dinner it can make it awkward for them. You expect intimate gatherings to just include your good friends, not their partners. It’s a bit different if it’s more like a big “more the merrier” kind of party but this sounds like a gathering of 4 or 5 before the wife jumped in.

I don't think people are necessarily working out anything to the last penny just because they know how much their meal comes to. How many items does anyone order for themselves that adding up a few numbers becomes embarrassing?

If there is a huge discrepancy in what they think their share comes to, then it's not unreasonable to question it.

It's not super stingy to not want to subsidise items that others have had and you haven't. OP was treating birthday girl, not male friend and his wife.

If you still have the receipt work out what they had and ask him to pay for it and split it between the rest of you or next time state that the invite is for him only and if you think the share is unfair speak up. I usually prefer or pay for what I've had at a restaurant as I don't drink and find the people that eat and drink the most are always the ones who wants to share the cost

Sorry you were not in a position to question him.

What I will never understand is why is it such a problem with paying for whatevery you had when in a group in the UK. Dont understand why the standard is to split the whole bill by number of people /plus fuff about who had/hadnt alcohol to try to make it fairer/, its such a bizzare concept to me.