Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

@grumpycow1 I don’t think so. If they have been friends for ages and he is married to the woman it’s nice for her to come and be a part of it.
It’s not about being joined at the hip or not being able to do things separately. Maybe she wanted to celebrate someone’s, who she thinks of as a friend, bday. If they had specifically said no partners that obviously okay. But I think default… if both of them are free and all know each other… why not?

Then I don't know what you're arguing about. You haven't read my post properly because I clearly said I was talking about people fussing over small change.

But that said, it's not the end of the world to pay for someone else's drink. Don't you buy your mates a round when you're out?

This is why we always, without fail, get a separate bill when going out with friends. It means we can either have a frugal night or splash out a bit without having to worry about the awkward bit at the end of the night where someone is always quibbling because ‘they only had 4 olives but Sue had 5’. We just hand over our card and that’s that.

Different when volunteering to buy a round though.

When someone has had drink after drink and dishes more expensive than yours, then their is going to be a greater difference in cost.

A couple of us only ever one drink when we're out. One of the heavier drinkers gently teases us and calls us lightweights, but she doesn't take the piss and expects others to pay for her though.

It's not that different. I wouldn't go out and expect to spend every single penny of mine on myself only. I'd expect to lose a bit on rounds, taxis, club entry, and meals out with large groups.

You're talking about someone taking the piss which isn't ok whether it's trying to skip paying or being super petty over tiny amounts of money.

<whispers> why don’t you two take it to PM

You're talking about someone taking the piss which isn't ok whether it's trying to skip paying or being super petty over tiny amounts of money.

Exactly! When you are paying for someone's drinks and starters and what not that you haven't agreed with because someone's insisted on splitting the bill, then that really isn't fair.

Anyway, as someone who mostly goes out with people who pay for their own stuff, it's not been a problem since I was a student.

Write it off this time. But be more pro active next time

I had to vote YABU because you should have said something there and then!

That's ridiculous. Next time you go out, do the reverse and if he says something just say your doing what he did last time!

I think you’re unreasonable as you should’ve simply said at the time ‘how
sid you come to that sum’ and ask to take a look at it yourself and write down each persons bill!

NEXT TIME: you either say I’m very sorry but I don’t want your wife to come because last time I felt the bill wasn’t split fairly.
OR At the beginning of the meal you state clearly that the birthday persona bill will be shared out 3 ways and people order and put for their own drinks as they go along and they not get added to the final bill!

if we go out as a large group we order our drinks at the bar and pay as we go…. We never add them to the bill as us non drinkers always get stitched up!

😁 fair point!

For god's sake why didn't you just say something at the time it was clearly wrong! What did your other friend say?? Maybe he thought you two were paying for birthday girl & he just paying for him & wife. (Never mind the fact they drank & ate more) but very silly not to say something & complain after if you all such good friends.

I do this too, now. I find it is always the people ordering tons of sides and cocktails etc. who try this. I currently live in the USA, and I have one friend who is a big eater, ALWAYS ordered way more than me, and would suggest splitting our lunches / dinners down the middle. I got so sick of it - once I had coffee and avocado toast, which came to around $15, and she'd been ordering cocktails at lunch, a hamburger, side of fried chicken and spinach dip and so on, I think hers came to around $50. Couldn't believe she expected me to supplement her to that extent, so I said I'd just cover what I had had.

Funnily enough, I recently decided to test the water and order more than she had (the only time it had ever happened!). I ordered a last minute glass of wine, which put my dinner at $3 more than hers. The kind of discrepancy I would have happily split the other way around as it is minor. But did she want to spend an extra $1.50 on what she had consumed? Did she heck! She then suggested we work out what had spent and paid that 😂

These days I battle to avoid eating out with her, and suggest coffee shop only meet ups, but mainly because she is an AWFUL tipper. In the US you're more or less obligated and expected to tip 18-20% as it makes up the server's wages (rubbish, I know!) and even as a Brit I know and respect this. Yet she (American) will only tip about 8% on her portion of the check. So embarrassing dealing with attitude from wait staff because she's tipped $3 on a $45 bill. I ended up having to tip 30% to balance it out, but screw that really.

The next time it happens, don't let it happen. Tell the server that you want separate bills. IF there is a Birthday Person, tell the server to give that bill to you. YOU divide the BP's bill by three, and tell everyone what they owe on it. That way, there is no confusion or arguing about who owes what.

Two options exist:

1. He’s stupid and got the maths wrong while tipsy, or
2. He deliberately ripped off the rest of you.

You know him better than us, you know which it is. Let’s assume he’s stupid.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself!
”Ah great, I’ll bring my wife.”
”Actually we’d rather you didn’t, it changes the group dynamic and the rest of us would prefer it’s just you.”

”You owe £48.”
”Whaaaaat, that can’t be right, either you’ve got dodgy maths or the bill is wrong, let me have a look at the bill.”

Practice having a backbone by messaging him, right now, and telling him he got the maths wrong last night and you’ve worked it out and he owes you £X and here are your bank details please transfer.

The secret to having a backbone is to be repetitive. Don’t debate or explain.
“But my wife would love to come.”
”We’d rather it was just you.”
”But how can you get to know her if you don’t hang out with her?!”
”We’d rather it was just you.”
”She’s really nice.”
”I’m sure she is but we’d rather it’s just you.”

How do people get to adulthood without being able to stand up for themselves?

"Kev, I might look a bit daft but I'm fucked if dinner and diet coke is going to cost me £50. Give over."

Well the other question is how do people get to adulthood with any friends if they screw them out of money when they meet up.

Him forensically examining the bill and carrying out his calculations is crass in the extreme. It is quite easy to keep a mental note of the cost of what you've consumed during a meal. Unless they're hard up for cash, he could have just said that he and his wife will pay £100 and add a bit to contribute to the birthday girl's treat. That would have been a nice gesture and avoided all the unpleasantness.

Because most people are either too polite or don't want to be seen as 'penny pinching' to say anything, many consider it socially unacceptable to want to do anything other than split the bill evenly. So a lot of people just suck it up and seethe inwardly.

Of course, the people who are most affected by this sort of thing are those who are on a tight budget and can't not say anything because accepting an even split, will mean that they will be short of money for other things, often essentials like groceries or transport.

It's especially galling when they have deliberately ordered a small amount to stay on an affordable budget and social convention is trying to dictate that they contribute towards the cost of others enjoying a more lavish meal than the one they had themselves because some people can't be arsed doing a bit of simple mental arithmetic.

No-one needs to work it out to the penny, but it's not hard to look at a menu that shows the starter they had at 4.95, a main at 11.95, a drink at 5.50 and think 'that's 5 + 12 + 6, which is £23, call it £25 with a tip.

It's not worth a few quid to me and I do think it's stingy to worry about small change.

What is small change to one person might be really important to another. And in my experience it's always those who have ordered more pricey things that think it's boring and tight when others work the bill out accurately 😏

My group of friends always does separate checks. Each person brings cash to cover the person being treated and that person's bill is split evenly among the rest. Simple, easy.

Why do you need to bring cash to cover the person being treated? Why can’t the amount just be added to each individual bill?

It’s been a long, long time since I paid cash for anything in a restaurant.

Cash is useful as there is no faffing. Yesterday I did exactly what people here suggested: I did my calculation, put the cash in front of the person doing the calculations while continuing my conversation with others seamlessly. Didn't allow them time to propose sharing equally amongst 8 people at table or whatever.

OP = you are not being unreasonable....

To: Ladyofthefliessssss = OP was overcharged by approximately 14 pounds and her friend was also overcharged by approx. 14 pounds; so this is not a case of OP and her friend worrying over a few pence.

OP got some helpful advice about how to avoid this type of CF in the future, and I have nothing to add to that. It's always smart to learn how to not be "taken for a mug".

Since no one else invited their spouse/SO, then it was also a CF move for him to invite his wife to this gathering of ex-coworker friends. (Or as someone mentioned, maybe the wife invited herself because SHE has "issues")

If the CF truly values the friendship of these ex-coworkers, then OP asking for an overpayment correction should not ruin the friendship (If OP decides to say something this time). (And the CF should reimburse OP's other friend also)

The CF may only be attending these get togethers to get others to fund his food & drink so that he & his wife can have a less expensive evening out. If so, then he isn't much of a friend. Sounds like this CF has done this many times before, which may be one of the main reasons he still attends the gatherings.

Good luck with this OP!