Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

You should have said something at the time!

Are you sure your bill only came to £25 and not £32 because if it was £32 then this is likely what’s happened..
The 3 non drinkers spent £32 each on their meal. The couple spent £74 on theirs.
Total £170.

He has then split the birthday girls £32 by only you and the other non drinker making your bills come to £32 + £16 so £48.
Meanwhile he hasn’t contributed to the birthday girls meal meaning he has only paid the couples £74.
I would ask him about it as it might have been done in error while he was making the calculations.

I’d have done exactly the same as you OP. Then been annoyed with myself afterwards. I also hate confrontation and wouldn’t want to cause upset or embarrassment.

We have friends who have done this in the past. They have a much bigger family and expect to split the bill evenly by family. It’s often just me and DS, and ALL of them, plus other families. They often order extras (alcohol, desserts, endless kids drinks, coffees, that I don’t usually have).

Now I take cash with me. I roughly calculate my share as I’m ordering (plus tip and a little bit extra just in case) then I put the cash down just before the bill arrives. Last time I think it blew their minds as they then announced how much they thought they owed (ie. bill split evenly by family) and it clearly didn’t all add up. I was then able to say “somethings not right, let me check, maybe I’ve made a mistake with mine….”. Their actual share was pretty much double the original offer.

I really dislike unfairness and feeling like someone is taking advantage. If I were you I’d put this one down to experience but be prepared next time so the same thing doesn’t happen. Hope that helps!

@BigHeadBertha this!! I think the comments about his wife are so weird! They are married! Why shouldn’t she go? I always take my fiancé to things because I like to spend time with him and our friends. Were mine but now ours!
I feel like it’s really immature to say she’s not in the friendship group. How I’d hate to be the wife with this woman’s attitude! Sounds to me like the husband needs to sack off this unsupportive ‘friend’

I guess weird because the others didn’t bring their partners?

@Yb23487643 even still, I feel like in a marriage situation where you’re celebrating a friend’s birthday.. it’s pretty standard for husbands/wives to go… UNLESS you specifically say without other halves.

Exactly. You can be someone who avoids confrontation but then you have to pay the Wet Lettuce Tax. You need to decide which is more unpalatable.

Next time grab the bill quickly and you work it out. Don't let him get hold of it.

I'm afraid there would be no next time from me, unless set price menu/buffet with separate drinks bills.

I’d agree with you if it was friends, but it’s a group of ex-work colleagues.

And he was the only one bringing his wife along.

Sometimes it is actually socially appropriate to come alone and leave your partner at home.

Definitely leave him out of future meals out. The friendship with him has run its course.

I'd be leaving the op out. Can't be doing with bill dissection. jesus.
And the comments about the wife.

It's nice to be inclusive!

Yeah, the poor wife. She’s definitely the most important one in this group scenario.

I think you should have said something at the time - a simple, “woah that’s a lot considering I wasn’t even drinking! Can you check again mate?”

or simply “I was only expecting my part to come to £25 as I didn’t have any alcohol, didn’t think my maths was that bad & check again??”

I think it’s too late now unless you’re prepared to lose the friendship. But it’s a lesson for you for future. I wouldn’t expect your money back but can always make a casual comment saying you swindled us last time as I didn’t even drink, I’m calculating the bill next time!

@NazMedusa ive done this before and was so ashamed when I got home and realised.. we were family of 4 with uncle full meal for all and when the bill came he said what shall we do (we could have just invited him) but I said split it between us and he paid 50%.. it sat with me for days. I brought it up to him and of course he said don’t worry about it but it was a genuine oversight for one reason or another.. maybe if you bring it up he’ll agree with you and apologise.. x

I only voted YABU because you passively sat there for 5mins waiting for a known CF to work out a bill and then meekly accepted the inevitable fuckery.

Discussing bills at the table, especially if there is a disagreement is awkward. I have witnessed lots of them, and they are just plain embarrassing, and people's true colours always come out.

What I would do next time is just keep a mental note of what you ordered, plus a mental note of the food/drinks the person you are paying for. Once the bill comes, you take it first, and ask everyone if this looks reasonable. If you don't do this, you will be left with the bill at the end, which will always be more than expected. So always pay it first! :)

So as advice, tell wait staff when you order that it’s all separate bills. You ask the wait staff to bring you both your bill and the birthday persons. Then you do a round Robin to cover the birthday persons bill. All the restaurants can do split payments so it’s totally possible to get a £25 meal for birthday person and it be paid in five £5 payments/card taps.

What?! So I’m not allowed to go out for dinner with my male uni friend, without my husband to chaperone 😂 I don’t see my uni friend often so it would be a bit weird to make him a third wheel! This isn’t the 1950s…

Just don’t invite him in future and if he asks why he doesn’t get invited just be straight and say it’s because he always brings his wife and it changes the dynamic .

I think your comment is weird! It’s totally fine to have separate friendship groups, you’re not joined at the hip and should be able to be trusted to go for dinner with the opposite sex. If they all brought partners then great! But it is weird to always bring her if they didn’t work together and that’s the way they met.

Pay for your own stuff. Always my rule. I've been stung a few times with this.

Just get in contact and state the you now realise that the bill is unfair.

I don't think YABU but I would go into a large dinner like that expecting to have to chuck some extra money down. It's always a nightmare trying to work the bill out/make sure everyone has paid a fair amount. I'd rather just chuck an extra note down and forget the stress.

This happened to me once when out with a group of friends. I was the only non drinker and was asked to pay an extra £40 towards the bill for everyone else having the expensive drinks. I point blank refused and worked out my cost of the bill. I was driving everyone and I certainly wouldn’t have expected to pay for their alcoholic drinks too. A fee if the group seemed put out but I could t have given a shit.