Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

This is so bizarre.

It’s a group of ex-work colleagues. None of them were bringing partners. It was to celebrate one of their birthdays.

You don’t always have to bring your partner along to every social occasion. Or at least, if you do, know that there will be people in your group inwardly eye-rolling.

Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74.

I aam trying to understand how how two people who didn't have alcohol pay more per head than the couple who had extra sides and drinks. I also don't see why his wife didn't contribute to the birthday girl's meal when it wasn't a huge amount split between 4 given that she was coming along to to the meal but I know you weren't expecting that so this is just my gripe!

I really understand you not wanting to make a big thing of it when the birthday girl was present. Next time I would suggest asking to pay separately. That way the service charge is divided fairly too. I had an awful experience at a group meal once when some people left early, leaving cash for their contribution. It was only when we got the bill that I realised that nobody had included the service charge and I ended up paying a ridiculous amount to avoid embarrassing the host who did not earn enough to pay extra. It wasn't the fault of the restaurant - it was quite clear they included service. It was just that the people leaving early probably weren't great at maths.

It doesn't sound right but then he's not paying double what you pay as his wife wouldn't be paying part of the guests meal. Who has the receipt, work it out from there and if he has underpaid drop him a message, or better still speak to him, and say they worked it out wrong.

You can't say anything now, it would just look petty. But next time, I'd be prepared and when you all sit down at the table, ask how you're splitting the bill as you can't afford to pay for anyone other than yourself.

Exactly, in 30 years of work functions my DH has come to two nights out.

@NazMedusa Sorry, a little off point here. But you say the wife often gets brought along to your meet ups.

Is the friend group all women except for this one guy?

Just wondering if his wife is insecure about her husband going out with a group of women and insists he take her out with him….

Apoligises hit the wrong tab definitely unfair ! Used to happen to a friend and I. Didn't have much money so we had what we could afford. Next time we took cash and stated thats for out meals as worked it out. Couple got huffy not been out for dinner since then but don't care if only being used to pay towards their meals.

And the absolute double standard of including your wife, regardless of how anyone else feels about it (and when they’re not including their partners) - AND also opting her out of contributing to the birthday girl’s meal.

If she’s in, she’s in, surely.

Some people are so clueless.

I've seen people sit with a calculator working out exactly how much they spent literally to the penny. At really big dinners of 15+ people too so it takes forever.

You have 3 realistic options

Option 1- You don't say anything and just make sure you make a point of adding up exactly how much you owe and making it loudly known next time, so he can't do this again.

Option 2- You confront him and he's Lilly going to be defensive and it will probably end with a fall out anyway.

Or Option 3- You just don't invite him again and you phase him out as a friend. I mean he doesn't sound like a good friend if he does this kind of thing (this is probably what I'd do)

My husband I went for a meal with friends, another husband and wife, won’t be going again, we all basically had the same price meal, 4 drinks, when it came to the bill, that worked it out to the last penny, which was ok, but then they wanted their cost further deducted because they had a ‘blue light’ card… caused such a scene in the restaurant over a couple of quid…this is a couple who have money, that they never stop talking about, ugh.

I can understand not wanting to make a fuss because of the person whose birthday was being celebrated. I would let it pass this time.

But I would be wondering why he was the one who took on the bill splitting. Was it because of being sly so that they weren't paying their fair share?

I know of a work scenario where junior colleagues were heavily subsidising more senior colleagues in after work meals until one took it in her hands literally one night and split the bill according to what people had actually had to eat or drink. Suddenly the ones who had been sponging had to pay up and weren't as quick to propose nights out at others expense again.

Next time, if there is a next time, be prepared by either saying upfront that he and his wife should pay for themselves, separately from the rest of you. Or one of you take the bill and split it fairly.

That's your experience when you go out but definitely not mine.

Still not stingy to not want to pay over the odds when others order more than you.

Lucky you. I've come across it and I find it a lot more irritating than paying a bit extra. If I'm in a large group, I'd rather be with people who didn't sit there with the bill for half an hour at the end of dinner. It's not worth a few quid to me and I do think it's stingy to worry about small change.

Always pay my own way no. don't give a shit if it offends people, been caught out too many times with split bills where some cheeky fucker takes the piss.
Once went to a works do with a set menu. was told that we were to buy our own drinks at the bar. So all night I did that. A group of 4 (managers)at the end of the table ordered bottle after bottle of wine. the bill comes and we get told that the £25 set menu is going to cost £48. (this was back in the 80's and I earned £50 a week so this was a fortune to me then). Put my foot down and refused.
The trick is to let people know before the meal starts that you will be getting your own bill.

This! I really don't understand why some people think you can't do anything without your partner. My husband always attends weddings and other big events of my friends'. And also gatherings that we specifically plan with spouses in mind. But he would be so bored if he attended every single meet up we had. Vice versa, I would feel so awkward just tagging along to every little social he had with his friends.

We're all from the same, very niche industry and used to work together (I still work with male friend) so we end up talking 90% of the time about things and mutual people that others wouldn't understand or find boring. It's nice to sometimes just not have to worry about boring other people and relax and just talk about what we want to and have in common.

Wife is more than aware of our very platonic relationship. We all started at the company in the same year during a big recruit (fresh faced, just out of uni) and have gone through most of our big life events together. This is why it's hard to just not see him again for those who suggested this. We're all almost like family. He even used to hang out with my family when we were younger as we also lived right near each other. It's really difficult to explain the dynamics of this friendship group as it's quite unusual, but it's a really special one and that's why despite some moving away to other cities, we still make the effort to all meet up at least a few times a year. I obviously see him all the time at work anyway (when not on mat leave).

Birthday girl is going through a separation so needed some comfort (no family where she lives and she's isn't close to her family here) so travelled 4 hours to come down to spend time with us. She was sleeping over at the other friends' house during the stay as they used to be flatmates before too. So our lives were once very interlinked and we have a strong bond. He knew she was coming down for a bit of a cry and still bought his wife along which meant she couldn't talk openly. I had to go pick her up from the station, delay the restaurant booking by an hour, and we sat in the car and had a talk before we went in for the meal. All because he decided to bring his wife along.

I really don't dislike his wife at all. I was just annoyed that day because birthday girl needed that privacy and he ignored that. I'm actually very fond of her and we really get on. We relate on the topic of handling her husband as she needed a lot of help to understand his quirks and irritating ways when she first started dating him. He can be very absent minded and struggles to read the room. Which I think is why he does this with the bills. I'll need to just take it upon myself from now on to split it up fairly myself and just speak up, as lots of you have suggested. I'm not going to end the friendship over something that I can fix.

Well, we shall have to agree to disagree on this occasion.

Our party very rarely spends more than 10 minutes after the bill has arrived just to work out how much they owe, so how it takes each person half an hour to work out what they owe baffles me. It's hardly A Level maths.

It clearly matters to some people that they don't keep paying for food or alcohol that they haven't had, but not to you. That's fine, but it's not stingy to not want to pay for others. I wasn't talking about small change.

We often leave a generous tip if the service has been good. That's not a sign of stinginess.

What are you on about? There's nothing to disagree with. I've said that I've witnessed this - are you telling me I didn't? I've said that I personally find this kind of behaviour more irritating than paying a bit extra - are you telling me I don't?

Eh? I mean we will have to disagree with what is and what isn't stingy when eating out.

I get you need to vent but you absolutely all should have said something there, not after the fact. Why the heck would you let that pass and pay more than your share? The share paid for them both was £37 each, whilst you all paid £11 more than this each, and you didn't even have alcohol!
Bit late now to worry about it

Well of you're one of those people who won't pay 20p more than they need to then yeah I guess you would find it totally reasonable to hold up over a dozen tired drunk people over it.

As a matter of fact I am not one of those people. Please don't attack me just because you don't agree with me. If you read my post properly, I've also added that we usually leave a tip, so not a sign of stinginess.

I have already said that it's not stingy to not want to subsidise alcohol and food that others have had.

You get some right CFs when it comes to splitting restaurant bills, and they thrive on you not noticing at the time or being too embarrassed to challenge.
DH and I, and two friends- another couple all went for dinner one night at a local steakhouse. DH and I had vegan steak, they had meat and we shared a few starters, and each had a cocktail. Friend tried to convince me to split the bill half way between each couple and i almost said yes, before looking at the bill and seeing their steaks were £30 each where ours were £15! I quickly put a stop to it.
I'd pull him on it now, but if you don't feel comfortable, mention if you ever go out to dinner again.

And I've said it's stingy when you get people who spend half an hour making sure they don't pay an extra 20p more than they need to. And frankly, I doubt many people would find fussing about small change like that reasonable behaviour so I've got no idea why you're defending it.

Again, if you read my post. I am not defending scrimping over small change, as we usually round up anyway what we've had. I'm talking about not wanting to pay for others!