Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

I think you've just got to get over the fear of awkwardness really as at the end of the day it is having more of an impact on you now than if you had had a moment of awkwardness at the time.

A simple "oh, are you sure that's right? Do you mind if I take a look?" Would have worked here.

I pay my way thanks. If me or friends have had significantly more then I’d check the receipt myself. Or if my share seemed disproportionately high I’d say that I think they had made a mistake, especially if I was on a budget.

But she didn’t say anything!

You'll see in my updates that I'm not skint and yes, am lucky enough to be able to make the choice of taking an extended mat leave. But I'm also trying to be careful not to fritter my savings away. I've always been more mindful of my friends and sisters when they're on mat leave and tend to be more generous with them while they aren't earning. I think this may be why I was annoyed and taken aback at him doing it this time more than others (he has done this plenty of times before). And yes, I find these sorts of interactions really embarrassing which is why I didn't say anything. No one stole my card, you're right, but he just ordered us to pay those amounts. Didn't ask if that sounded okay to us or anything. But yes, I'm learning I need to grow a backbone around certain people.

So he’s a bit stupid and ‘needs managing’, and does this sort of thing all the time?

Why do you keep including him?

You’ll give me some sort of passable reason for why you keep including him - well, either accept he’s a CF and continue to subside him, or realise that pretty much everyone hates confrontation and awkwardness, but part of being an adult means that someone’s

*part of being an adult means that sometimes you have to speak up.

I get your annoyance if someone hasn’t paid their way especially if they have form for it. You’re probably as annoyed with yourself as much as you are with them. It’s a shame as your friend’s birthday was most likely something that you were looking forward to, and you had probably had a nice evening until the whole bill situation put a dampener on the night. All you can do is learn from it and grab the bill first if there is a next time.

Ah so I was right with my calculations early this morning then? Yay quite proud of myself I am. 😂 OP ignore those telling you you’re unreasonable for caring and/or not wanting mrs freeloader to join you on a celebration with friends. These people are probably cheeky fuckers who can’t possibly do anything without their other half in tow.

tbh i think you either split the bill equally (irrespective of who eats what) or you add up what you ate. it's too complicated to halfarse split the bill with extra weighting for those who eat extra starters.
in this case i think you should've specified that you're on mat leave and couldn't afford to split the bill equally (essentially subsidising others). next time specify how the bill will be split beforehand. it's not difficult to add up what you ate. when my friends and i do it that way we just pass the bill around and add up our own. or sometimes there'll be one friend who can't afford to split and orders accordingly, so then she pays her portion and we split the rest. but you need to be clear before ordering.

Most times I would let it lie, but this time the discrepancy is so much and you already have a group that doesn't include the birthday girl, I would be tempted to mention it - on the basis that if not I'd never go out for dinner with him ever again unless it was a set price buffet.

There were three of you there with them, I’ve no idea why one of you didn’t challenge that, it didn’t need to be awkward. You could simply have said nit sure that’s right, let’s have a look.

I know you're saying you don't want to bring it up and that you're looking for how to handle it in the future but.. the only way to avoid it is to confront the issue somehow. So maybe not now since you won't, but if you do exactly the same thing the next time you go out, there will be the same result.

He's taking advantage and he knows you won't say anything. Speak up with any of the example upthread the next time it's attempted,

I would just send him a message and say “hi (insert name), I’ve just noticed my transaction on my bank and realised I’ve paid more than I expected at dinner. Do you think it could be an error working it out or have they over charged us?” I know you say you just want to avoid it in future but this would really pee me off to the point I would have to say something! It’s not about whether you’re skint or not it’s about the nerve to eat and drink to excess and not even bloody pay for it. They’re the ultimate CF’s

Don't do this, it's stupid.

At least you now know what the friendship is worth

@xsquared not aimed at you at all.

That's out of order that you'd be expected to pay for food that you can't eat! I hope you were able to say no. You seem to be able to relate fully.

You tell him that no his not bringing her unless he fully understands he is paying in full for himself and his wife. Their part of any future bill will not be split.

This is how rich people stay rich

You sound like the sort of person who would order the most expensive things on the menu then expect everyone else to subsidise you. Like this bloke has done. Entitled much?

Sounds like the couple’s bill came to more than half of the meal because it was extravagant. If the 2 costing only £25 and the bday girl all came to about £75, and the husband on his own cost about £25 then they’d be paying £33 each. They’ve basically subsidised the husband and wife who have enough money already, when they only wanted to subsidise their friend.
Can see why you wouldn’t say anything at the time because would cause friction on someone’s bday.
For the sake of £13ish I wouldn’t mention it but would def take charge of the bull workings next time!!!

I've voted YANBU because obviously you aren't. But you are being ridiculously unreasonable for not saying anything/challenging at the time. If you're such good friends why on earth didn't you just say erm no mate you haven't included your wife in that and you need to take your alcohol off to pay for separately.

In the future pay your own costs and if there is a birthday person or guest others are paying for it gets split by how many other people there are.

A couple are part of a group I am in and they do everything together and even when it’s for other things where it’s fair to split by household they always insist by person and pay each.

they were having you on at the table, but the time to speak up is prior to forming over any cash and you have to make it clear that you are not splitting the bill but covering your own costs

Why did you pay?
Why not just say ‘hang On a minute and break it down…’

Well that’s on you then.
Pisstakers are going to pisstake…

And he saw you coming!

Well that’s where you’re wrong, I’m happy to split a bill when I’m the designated driver and haven’t had a drink where others have. I will pay my own way if I have had three courses and others had only one or two and I’m a generous tipper whereas you sound like the sort of person that thinks wait staff don’t deserve a tip and should find better paid employment if we’re generalising.
My point which you have missed isn’t that the OP isn’t justified in being annoyed but that she said nothing, in the company of friends and just paid despite there being opportunities to speak up. Did the couple do it on purpose or was it an error? We don’t know but hopefully the OP will either dodge eating out with them again or grab the bill first.