Unfair splitting of dinner bill by couple

[NazMedusa]

Went for dinner for a friend's birthday who we hadn't seen for a while and who had come all the way down from another city. This friend has had a rough year so we were treating her to dinner.

Male friend at the last minute asked if he could bring his wife along as she really wanted to join us. Fine but a bit annoying as she's not really a part of this friendship group that we'd formed 15 years ago at work but we've spent enough time with her as he has a habit of bringing her along to everything. So four of us (who once worked together) plus this wife.

The couple ordered extra starters, sides and alcoholic drinks. He made a comment a couple of times that "we'll pay extra for our bits". Myself, other friend and birthday girl don't drink so had a soft drink each and one starter and one main.

The bill came to £170. Our food and drinks came to around £25 each for the non-drinkers. The couple spent the rest. Male friend and his wife took it upon themselves to work the bill out and spent at least 5 mins doing it. As the birthday girl is close friends with the three of us (not the wife), I expected him to split her part between the three of us, and then split the rest of the bill according to what we roughly ordered. Instead he said that myself and the other non-drinking friend owed £48 each, and he paid £74. So he paid only £26 extra when he was supposed to be paying for 2 adults (himself and his wife) plus the non-drinking birthday girl (who's food and drink came to £25 and should have been split three ways).

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl. But how should I deal with things next time this happens??

For a bit more context: I am currently on an extended mat leave so no income. And him and his wife are top earners and earn more than any of us.

Isn't this unfair? I feel like we also paid towards his uninvited wife. We paid it without saying anything as didn't want to make things awkward, especially in front of birthday girl.
Of course it's unfair.
Yet you sat there, & let it happen.

But how should I deal with things next time this happens??
By not allowing your male friend to inform you that HE is working out the bill.
By telling your male friend that he & his wife are having a separate bill from you.
By opening your mouth & using the words "no, we are splitting Birthday Girl's share between us." Also "No, I disagree with the way you have worked the bill out."

Just like you should have this time!

It’s CFery! Make it clear at beginning of the meal you’ll pay for your own, and a split of the birthday girl only, jot down your meal prices when menu is with you, and at end as the bill arrives say, That covers my and mine’s meal, and there’s £ ‘s extra towards birthday person. that should stop them in their tracks, others at the table can cost theirs, and the balance to be paid by CF.

I’ve had this happen before. I’ve shrugged and said ‘sorry, I’ve worked out my share as £X’ and then put the money on the table or waved my card and asked for it to go on as that amount.

I agree with PPs - if you're going to speak up, you need to do it today.

I know it's a bit awkward; I've been on the receiving end of the glares and whispers twice for pooh-poohing splitting the bill with CFs (both work things, with people who earned 2-3x my salary!).

Many of us know That One Person who notoriously forgets their purse, or quietly pockets your change, or always promises to "get the next one" but never does. These moochers keep doing it because everyone else lets them get away with it out of awkwardness.

I think it is very difficult to say anything at the moment itself - usually there is a conversation going, often with other members of the party, and to interrupt the flow for everyone to discuss the bill seems... crass? But I admire people who can do it smoothly.

In this case I think the OP should email today - maybe mentioning that money is tight, as a PP suggested.

I am invested in this thread as this keeps happening to me - I am vegetarian and don't drink, so often subsidise some CF.

Yep they’re CFs.

The bill split by 5 so £34 each. Then split the birthday girl’s by 3 so roughly £11.33. So that’s £45.33.

But of course they shouldn’t have split the bill equally by 5 as that includes their drinks and all the extras they had.

My OH and I both have friends with a tendency to want to include their partner all the time in occasional friendship group meet-ups and don't really like it - nothing to do with not liking their partner (the opposite is true), more to do with preferring to have some separation between "just us" and "us and partners" as the dynamic is totally different.

People who are the only one bringing their partner are either in a co-dependent relationship, have trust issues, or can't read the room IMHO.

As usual on these threads, you paid the Wet Lettuce Tax for being unable to use your words like a grown up.

Personally,I would have joked his maths was out and asked for the bill to calculate myself,keeping it light hearted in front of the birthday person then amended it accordingly.
I cannot understand why you sat there fuming but paid up.
Still,forewarned for next time and you all hopefully enjoyed the night so all is not lost.

Of course its unfair. I just wouldn't include him again in any invitation for meals. Too annoying.

He brought his wife and then ripped you all off? He sounds like a total clown and wouldn't be invited next time.

Not unreasonable and but why didn't you or the other girl also work out the bill?
tbh I find that when someone who's obviously spent more than others and takes it upon themself to sort out the bill.. they know they've overspent.. it's always a red flag for me personally..

Here's how I see it.. Your cost was £25 / Other Girls cost was £25 / BD girl cost was £25 - so 3 of you (you, other girls & male pal) split the BD cost which is about £9 each - so You pay £25 + 9 = £34 / other girl pays £34 .... total bill is 170 less you & other girl (total 68) which leaves your male pal & wife's share at £102... double check 102 + 68 = 170 - bill sorted.... if you want to leave a tip stick in a couple of quid more each (all 4 of you who are paying not BD girl..

I'd let it go this time but personally I'd be watching this friend every time he's out with me and I'd never let anyone like this do this again.. recheck the sums and dont be afraid to politely interrupt and say - "I don't think that's quite right".... you and your friends keep a note of how much you've ordered/spent - and even point out who wasnt drinking alcohol which drives costs up if your male pal tries this again - he invited his wife.. he can pay for her IMO

Be firm but polite.. Good Luck!!!! :)

You can just say, "Would anyone mind if I just pay for what I have, as I'm not drinking?" at the start of the meal.

CFs rely on people like you to think it's crass to mention it, so they get away with paying less.

Just a few things that have been raised:

• paying for the birthday girl was discussed and agreed by all three of us beforehand on WhatsApp. She was still insisting on paying for herself while he was working out the bill and he kept saying no to her, so he was clear on that.

• I didn't say anything at the time because I felt awkward and thought it might dampen the atmosphere, especially on someone's birthday. We have a really good and 'jokey' friendship. Didn't want to ruin that. He can genuinely be a bit stupid so needs to be managed. I will be better prepared next time.

• Despite being on mat leave, I'm not skint (I have savings and the bank of hubby taking care of me, hence the extended mat leave because we can afford it). I don't want to/need to ask for that money back; I was looking for advice on how to tackle this better the time next time we go out because I think it's unfair. Thank you to those of you who gave me some really good advice. I will take it upon myself to sort the bill next time, or if he does take it upon himself, I'll question it and adjust in a polite way.

• also for the people saying it's rude not to invite the spouse of someone along to all social gatherings: I disagree. We have separate meet ups which specifically include all our partners and kids. And I don't usually mind him bringing his wife along. It's just that he knew the birthday girl wanted to talk openly about her life changing events this year and wouldn't feel comfortable doing that with his wife there. Yet he still bought her along at the last minute.

Because I hate any sort of confrontation or awkwardness 😬

Thank you, I feel you've understood my position and why it was hard to say anything at the time.

I don't want to ask for the money back but want to be able to handle things better or avoid it happening at all next time. Mostly because I don't like feeling negative about my friends and having niggles like this about them.

Read your updates. I think learning point for me would be next time to quickly say what you've spent and put that amount of cash down and just say to them they pay the rest. As long as yours is accurate and includes tip I think it's fine.

I wouldn't invite my husband to something no other partners were going to. It changes the whole dynamic.

You've missed the moment to make a fuss. The moment to query it is there at the table.

Just ask to be billed separately.
Tell him straight that as none of you are drinking , your going to split the bill to make it fair.
Say it as soon as you arrive to the waiter.
Just smile if he says anything

If you’re out with people that you consider friends you call out their error, and your friends won’t mind.
All well and good if money is no object, but plenty of people go out for a nice meal having a good idea of how much the meal will be, and budget accordingly If you’re on extended maternity leave with no income you don’t just sit there handing your card over whilst seething silently. The OP should have spoken up.

Thanks for the update OP.

If you want to avoid debating about how to split bill, work out what your own meal costs you and announce it when the bill arrives.

What do you mean by male friend being genuinely a bit stupid and needing to be managed?

I'm guessing you're one of those CFs who expect your friends to subsidise you and your partner, even when they're not invited.

Did they steal the OPs card? Did they say that they were paying X amount and do a runner leaving the OP with the bill? No, they probably made a simple mistake and why would they think they had got it wrong if no one said anything? The OP states she’s on extended maternity with no income. Presumably there’s a partner or some savings to facilitate this choice? I don’t think an extra £10 will leave her child starving, but if it did who at the table with no income just paid what they were told saying nothing?

Thank you for working this out. I was right then. It think for a moment at the time, I thought I might have missed something!

We then went onto another place for desserts and coffee and I actually paid for what I had ordered (which cost more than everyone else's) and I feel that's how others should be if they spend more than their fellow diners. Lesson learned.

Was this aimed at me?

No, I happen to be one who used to have to subsidise alcohol drinkers and meat eaters.
Learnt the hard way when I was a student and housemates hosted a barbecue where there was no vegetarian alternative and was asked to pay towards the cost of it.

I am one of those people who go to group nights out where we pay for our own meal.