Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

[Littlemoon31]

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

Then again your already past my have kids age as I always said I wouldn't try to have kids after 37 or 38 latest. I'm only 29 but married with 2 kids and he proposed 2 years in and married 6months later... I wouldn't have it many other ways.

He's bring ridiculous. Does he actually want to get married?!

We got married 12.5 years ago now. We got engaged in the Feb and married in early July.
Had 120 to the day do and 30 more in the evening.

Tbh my first wedding was 2 years but I had just had a baby so I wanted to wait.

I think one year to 18 months is normal to plan a wedding.
I would leave it for a bit to let it settle then make a new plan with him looking at dates.

The people and your OH saying to "enjoy the engagement"

What to enjoy? The only thing enjoyable about being engaged is showing off the ring and planning the wedding.

My OH Proposed after similar length of time together and I told him in no uncertain terms that we would start planning the wedding straight away. If someone doesn't want to get married or isn't ready to get started on planning they shouldn't propose 🤷‍♀️

It's going to be about 15 months between proposal and wedding for us and that's only because I didn't want a summer wedding. Also quite a large one 100 day/150 evening.

A small wedding I would have needed a year max

I'm sorry to jump on the bandwagon here but please start trying for a baby with this man until you're actually married.

If you don't, he'll just use the pregnancy and expense of a newborn and children to postpone the wedding indefinitely and you'll never make it down the aisle.

If marriage is important to you (and rightly so) it needs to be your priority before anything else.

We got married 2 months after getting engaged. We got engaged to get married rather than to be engaged. A red flag for me.

The whole point of an engagement is to set a date for the wedding IMO. We were married within the year. Otherwise it's a bit less meaningful and you may as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend. If my boyfriend proposed I want him to put his money where his mouth is and not string me along with the risk of DC coming along unexpectedly which could throw everything and leave you vulnerable.

Pointless getting engaged if you aren't planning on getting married. What's he waiting for?

I dated for six months before being engaged then married 1 year later with a 100 guest wedding. I was 32 when I got married and we started trying for children just before our 1 year anniversary. That’s quite quick but for us it was a if you know you know. I had received 3 proposals before and ended them all.

it’s the fact you have been together 10 years already. When I read your post I thought it sounded like a shut her up engagement. Seen a friend go through this, she wasted her fertile years on that twat. She did get married and is very happy but was 49 and had no children.

You just need a date and not be going on about bridesmaids and all the fripperies. Some people and it is all women that I have known go completely crackers when there is a wedding. My future MIL was obsessed and did my head in.

Is he maybe just panicking because within a few days you've already asked bridesmaids and made a guestlist etc? It might not be the two year thing he's actually panicked about but more that you've already started planning before the champagne has been cracked open.

2 years feels long to me, my circle tend to take about a year, due to our preferred venue closing we had to do ours in 4.5 months which was plenty despite us both working full time. I haven't done a long plan myself so cant really say but I would think dragging the planning out is painful, what's to enjoy about being engaged? It sounds like there is a bigger issue.

We got married within a year of getting engaged. It would have been just over a year, but we found out we were expecting a (happy surprise) baby shortly before our original wedding date so decided to move the wedding forwards rather than wait (and probably not get around to it).

I don’t really see the point in long engagements. DH and I had talked lots about our plans to get married long before we got officially engaged. Surely you know what your long-term goals are well in advance? I feel like the whole 2 year engagement (or more) to plan a wedding business has been forced by the insane wedding industry.

Too long unless you need to save for a lavish affair ? It was 5 months for us , there were a couple of factors though as my dad had Parkinson’s and wanted him to give me away plus I’d had two long term living together relationships and wanted the extra commitment as I was 40

I think he might not want to start planning straightaway. Maybe it isn’t the two year issue. I think communication is key. I don’t think how he responded is necessarily a red flag. I think he may have just been surprised and responded without much thought. Also if you are TTC then maybe he’s hesitant about when the wedding will happen in relation to your pregnancy. I also know someone who wanted their children to be older so they could walk down the aisle. It’s really hard to judge him with just the info here. I hope you have a good conversation so you understand each other.

2 years is an absolutely standard length engagement assuming a wedding has been booked. When couples are engaged for 2 years with no wedding on the horizon I start to raise eyebrows.

I am getting married next year. Our engagement will have been 21 months. Our wedding was booked within 6 weeks of the proposal and the save the dates sent out.

Are you sure DP actually wants to get married?

I don't think you work as well as you think op.

I'd say 2 years is average between engagement and marriage, but it was way longer than I was happy with. I suppose it depends the sort of wedding you want really? We had a big white wedding booked and planned in less than 18 months, but we got married on a weekday, if we'd wanted a Saturday in August we'd have had to book 2 if not 3 years in advance at our venue.

The only reason it was so long was because we decided to try for a baby a few months after getting engaged, we'd said we'd give it 2 goes trying and if I wasn't pregnant we'd then hold off until after the wedding. We'd originally planned a May wedding which was just over a year after engagement but as I did fall pregnant we moved it back to August just in case I needed to lose weight (thankfully I snapped back). I was 31 at the time and I was concerned if we didn't try for a baby then it'd be over 2 years before I'd have a baby (assuming I could get pregnant immediately), as we wanted 3 children I knew that we needed to get cracking. We'd also been together 10 years before getting engaged, we ended up doing everything at once in the end. My bil actually laughed at us for having such a long engagement, 18 months and having a baby in that time is hardly a long time. Funnily enough covid cancelled his wedding and he ended up with a 3 year engagement, much to our amusement.

I'd say if you want children and a big wedding you maybe need to consider having a baby before the wedding (I wouldn't generally tell people to do this but time isn't on your side). Have a baby and then get married in 2 years time (I'm making a big assumption you want a family, apologies if this isn't on your radar, if it isn't a 2 year engagement is fine, he appears to be dragging his heels).

My own wedding was about two years from engagement but it was a small simple wedding. Most of the planning was in the weeks leading up to it. It was that long as I wanted our baby to be a bit older and for my figure to return.

As I have said previously he is very difficult to talk too but also laid back. And when I said guest list it was our families names of people I know he would want there I.e. his dad, mum, brother, sister, nan.

The opposite reactions and the telling you your faults when asked a normal post-engagement question ... You're not as well matched as you think you are.

Sounds like engagement was a tickbox exercise for him - and he's fine with that for a while. I wouldn't be having a child without being married - not because I'm old fashioned but because there's a certain amount of financial security that comes with that. But then at 37 you are on a ticking clock and I'm sorry to say, he is not on that same clock so you need to decide what you want to do here.

FWIW there was 11 months between DH's proposal and us getting married because marriage was the end game, not engagement.

I would get married before having a baby. There are far too many stories from women who had children first and then the charming man became a useless father or fucked off at the first sign of being expected to look after his own child. You both have protection if you are married as do your children.

For all his good points taking ten years before proposing, then not wanting a wedding in two years time, having or using poor communication skills seems a red flag to me.

This.
To be strictly accurate being engaged is 'being engaged to be married'. It is the time where you have agreed that you will marry and are making arrangements for that marriage. I have been married twice. Both times we were married a year after the engagement and had decided on a theoretical date very quickly ( subject to venues being available).Engagement isn't particularly a state in itself. In my experience of being on MN men who propose but don't want to discuss an actual wedding are doing it as a stalling thing. I'll propose and that will buy me a few years of peace. You are both late 30s .The baby thing may already have gone. If you wait until you are married ,with your 2 year schedule, your chance will have dropped to 5% each month. If you have a child without being married it is likely that you will never marry ( there will always be something else that has to be paid for) and you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position financially, legally etc. Have a look at all the threads on the relationships board and see what awaits.

I’m not sure he does want to marry. Sounds more like a tick box. You need to be very careful here about having a child before marrying-I think he will then say why? It’s just a piece of paper-we have the house, the baby etc etc. meanwhile you are exposed.

FYI, DH and I married within 5 months of engagement; as he said-I asked you to marry me, I didn’t ask you to get engaged!

Getting engaged is the official announcement of your intention to marry so it makes sense to name the day pretty soon. DC, younger than you, got engaged a few months ago and will be marrying in the summer. Venues visited and booked. Schedule of calls to relatives and friends. Announcements. Save the date cards sent - people will be travelling from abroad so need to schedule leave, book flights and hotels. Hen weekend booked and paid for.

Given your age and the fact you want children, if you want to be married (& I realise not everyone does) I would get on with it otherwise you will find it is less likely to happen if you have all the additional expenses of children and potentially all the extra strains of family life (sleepless nights, lack of time for planning etc.)