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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
littlelid · 16/01/2023 06:36

PurBal · 16/01/2023 06:27

IMO engagement is a stepping stone not a status in itself. You’re neither single or married and it’s a weird half way place to be. I didn’t like being engaged at all because of this. 2 years sounds pretty long (we had 6 months) but I think it’s fairly usual if you have your heart set on a particular venue. Why did your FI propose if he doesn’t want to get married?

I agree. You shouldn't get engaged unless you'd get married

TeenDivided · 16/01/2023 06:42

2 years seems a very long time to plan a wedding unless you have to save up massively.
If it were me I'd be aiming for this September, but otherwise Spring '24.

That said, you writing provisional guest lists, inviting bridesmaids all without discussion seems a bit precipitous.

AWaferThinMint · 16/01/2023 06:55

We were married ten months after he proposed. Two years is a long wait. As a PP said, being engaged is literally being in the state of preparing for a wedding. If you're not wedding planning it has no meaning.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 16/01/2023 06:56

To play devil's advocate here. It sounds like you've both been through the mill given your mums illness, you not being well, renovating a house and being made redundant 4 times. You drew up a guest list etc 4 days after being engaged and it may well be that he's just wanting to enjoy this time with family at the moment and start planning in a few weeks time. You say he's known for having quirks and is fairly chilled out, it wouldn't be a complete shock for him to bumble along at a slower pace than you'd like. As you've said, he's picked a church he'd like to marry in which is a good sign (and an important part of planning a wedding!). Perhaps don't sway immediately into the territory of "he doesn't want to marry me" because he's not throwing himself head first into planning 4 days after getting engaged. Have a conversation with him and be honest about how you feel, but you must try and see it from his perspective too.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/01/2023 06:59

Two years is perfectly reasonable for getting married after getting engaged. Why did he propose if he doesn’t want to get married? How many years does he think will be reasonable? Are you planning on having children together?

gogohmm · 16/01/2023 07:03

2 years is long, a few months would be more normal

Tubs11 · 16/01/2023 07:05

I'd postpone any baby plans until after you're married tbh. Don't know your financial background or future plans, but plenty of stores on Mumsnet about partners changing their mind and leaving partner financially stranded with kids.

Sorry to take the shine of the celebrations but that's the cold reality and your gut feel is telling you it isn't right otherwise you wouldn't have posted on MN

DaphneBlue · 16/01/2023 07:12

DH proposed after three days and we were married as soon as was physically possible afterwards (3 months), but I realise we're unusual! However two years is a long engagement already and I'd have serious concerns about someone who wanted to make it longer still. ExH and I were engaged for five years before he reluctantly agreed to start wedding preps - we separated within a year and he said me 'rushing him into marriage' was one of the reasons he behaved the way he did (which is another thread entirely!).

UseOfWeapons · 16/01/2023 07:15

My 1st husband proposed in the July, we started living together in August, married in December. We’d known each other for 8 years. Initially, we planning our wedding for the following year, but as we were arranging it ourselves, we brought it forward. We had 60 to the church, and 100 in the evening, and all the food, buffet, cars, etc., were done by friends and family. The only thing that were done by professionals, were the photos, and the icing of the wedding cake, which my mum made. It was all we could afford, but it was lovely. I wore my mum’s wedding dress, my ex hired a suit. The important thing for us was that we loved each other and wanted to be married. 2years sounds like a lot of time to delay. Sounds like your OH doesn’t want to get married.

Welshgirl10 · 16/01/2023 07:17

I got engaged two months ago after being together 11 years, and we are planning to get married at the end of next year so around 2 years. I have done a rough plan of numbers as we are starting to look at venues, but haven't asked any bridesmaids or anything yet.

I think two years is normal these days, and gives you time to plan and enjoy the engagement. None of my friends were married within 6 months of engagement.

I'm early 30's for context

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/01/2023 07:19

If I were you I’d be planning a wedding for a few months away not years. I was in similar situation to you and prioritised children but then the wedding and honeymoon weren’t what they would have been if we’d done that first. If you have babies, toddlers or young children the logistics become more difficult. It’s not to say it can’t be nice etc. And they do look cute in wedding clothes. But for example our honeymoon was just three nights as we couldn’t be away so long from our child.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 07:22

When I read the title I thought it’d be the op who’d suggested that long, bit a dh who wanted to edit even longer than that.

More info is needed. What date does he envisage if not two years?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/01/2023 07:38

It’s not unreasonable to want a couple of weeks to enjoy the cards, champagne and congratulations before getting stuck into planning. He may not realise how complex/time consuming wedding planning can be. I agree with other posters that I’d aim for an early wedding and then TTC. Especially as your mum is ill.

lborgia · 16/01/2023 07:39

The way you write implies that you both would've got married much sooner if life hadn't been so difficult.

That being the case, and your mum being unwell, it would be reasonable to expect to get married within 6 months, whilst you've got a good window to enjoy it.

I also grew up thinking the engagement was just the name of the bit where you organise the the wedding.

I'm also not sure how your got to 37 not realising how difficult TTC can be. If you have fertility issues, you simply don't have time to faff about. Doesn't matter if everyone knows tons of people having babies from late 30s onwards, it is statistically far more likely to take a long time/mcs/ needing ivf/ not work out.

He needs to recognise that he's been thinking about this for a while, you've only just found out.

Those seriously unpleasant remarks (including the idea that you rushed him into a relationship 10 years ago) are either seriously controlling, or he thought the proposal would buy him more time. I honestly can't see a positive spin.

Don't be a martyr to the sunk cost fallacy either. If he responds well to a proper conversation, and apologises properly, crack on. If he gets defensive, prevaricates, or brings up more ways in which you don't do life right, do yourself a favour and look at your options.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/01/2023 07:43

You’re late 30s & you’ve been together 1 years already, another 2 years is ridiculous

also his reaction to you getting on with plans was mean & petty. I’m assuming after 10 years you’ve thought about the wedding you want quite a bit eg bridesmaids etc so him eye rolling and trying to bring you down is uncalled for. He should be happy you’re happy not trying to make you feel small & stupid

i think you know deep down that if you conceive before the wedding that there wont be a wedding. Please Don’t go into that situation with your eyes closed.

Inkpotlover · 16/01/2023 07:44

Had you given him any kind of ultimatum recently about getting married and trying to conceive? I just wonder whether he went through the elaborate proposal to appease you and make a show to friends and family when really he has no intention of following through.

Do NOT get pregnant by him if marriage is a deal breaker for you. My DP never wanted to marry and I wasn't bothered either; we now have teen DC and property (all legally ring fenced by docs drawn up by our solicitor, before anyone asks). But if marriage had been important to me I honestly wouldn't have stayed with him. So you really need to drill down to find out his true motives.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/01/2023 07:44

gah 10 years already!

MooseBreath · 16/01/2023 07:45

I got married less than a year after getting engaged, which is standard.

I would see it as a red flag that after 10 years, he still thinks an additional 2 years is too soon to get married. I would be questioning why he proposed in the first place because it looks like he doesn't want to marry you.

ChamberLink · 16/01/2023 07:49

That seems a bit odd & v reluctant on his behalf. Dh & I got engaged & married in the same year. Engaged in March & married that December & it was perfect. We'd been together just under 3 years & were in our early 30s.
Are you SURE you want to marry this man?

Rainbowqueeen · 16/01/2023 07:50

If your mum is unwell isn’t that more of a reason to have an earlier wedding??

Also are you both thinking summer wedding?? In that case it’s not going to be a 2 year engagement, it will be 18 months or 2 and 1/2 years.

I think once you start telling people you are engaged then people will react with surprise when you say 2 years given you have been together 10 years, your mum is I’ll, you are in your late 30s and want to TTC. Will other people’s opinions make him think??

Im sorry to say I also don’t think he wants to get married and he is stringing you along. In your shoes I would have a serious conversation about your expectations and the reasons behind them. And his expectations and the reasons behind them. Listen carefully to what he has to say.

Good luck.

Museya15 · 16/01/2023 07:51

To me that's too long but others might enjoy a long engagement to fully prepare etc. I was married a month after engagement but I was twelve weeks pregnant at the time and we HAD to get married!

OneForTheRoadThen · 16/01/2023 07:54

I got engaged in September and we booked the registry office the next day for April this year, so 7 months. I think 2 years is on the long side but there can be reasons for it. I'd want to see actual concrete progress towards the wedding though. It doesn't look great that he is saying you're rushing when you're just being excited, you both should be excited! I'd keep an eye on it.

sunnydayhereandnow · 16/01/2023 07:54

If you want kids, you should make that your priority. Late 30s is late to start trying, and every month counts. Sorry to say it bluntly, and I'm sure you know it already, but please don't wait and regret it.

itsgettingweird · 16/01/2023 07:56

Too soon?

Together 10 years and engaged to get married and yet the marriage part is coming too quickly - even after 2 years?

Sounds nuts to me!

But 2 years is standard time.

Thoughtful2355 · 16/01/2023 07:57

It's normal to marry in a year from engagement so 2 years is actually long, I do think you pushed a little quickly with the guest list bridesmaid stuff but that's excitement surely from marrying the love of your life right :S why even bother getting engaged if he doesn't want to actually marry you.

I think he's stringing you along to be honest...
Maybe he thinks he needs to propose in order to keep you his gf but doesn't want to make the commitment because saying to someone that 2 years is too soon after all your time together and getting engaged, its just wrong.