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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 16/01/2023 04:53

My marriage from wedding day to decree absolute was less than two years. My brother’s wedding was planned in 5 days. Two years is ridiculous. Three months would be more than sufficient for an appropriate registry or church wedding with a simple breakfast afterwards. I’m a Quaker, where such drama is not tolerated. What you don’t spend could be used sensibilities. It’s not about one day, but the rest of your life together.

ElizabethZott · 16/01/2023 04:55

He's not really saying that two years isn't long enough, he's saying that 12 years isn't long enough. That's ridiculous.

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 05:05

Two years is a very long time as it is, why do you even want to wait two years? I was 35 when I got engaged and we were married within six months as there no need to take it slow at that age.

I don’t think he wants to marry you.

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/01/2023 05:05

I got a engaged and the wedding was 8.5 months later as the venue had a weekend free. Was plenty of time to organise a wedding :)

StarInTheHeavens · 16/01/2023 05:09

I wonder why he bothered getting engaged? Two years is ridiculous. A year is normal.

Shoxfordian · 16/01/2023 05:10

Did he know you wanted a proposal? It seems he thinks he’s done his job just by asking; and he doesn’t want to do the actual wedding.

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 05:11

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:39

I haven't seen him tonight only chance and I genuinely didn't think 2 years be an issue considering we will be trying for a baby. He knows about bridesmaids and he picked church

Show quote history

Just seen this. Why on earth are you going to be trying for a baby with a man that doesn’t think enough of you to marry? You can be sure that there will be no marriage after a child.

littlelid · 16/01/2023 05:13

If you can't afford a wedding how will you afford a baby. Get down the registry office

ZforZebra · 16/01/2023 05:14

We got married 5 months after getting engaged. Maybe he meant that you’re not allowing yourselves to enjoy the immediate afterglow of the proposal and holiday by rushing straight into planning mode? My H often tells me I am impatient and don’t fully soak up the moment because I’ve already moved on to next steps. Having said that, 2 years, given you’ve been together a decade seems very long as PP have pointed out. To me it sounds like he is stalling.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 05:14

Well if you do go ahead and have kids before being married ffs don't give them his name. Giving your kids carry your name is a privilege for married men.Tbh if marriage is important to you I'd do it before having kids.

autienotnaughty · 16/01/2023 05:18

Some people get engaged and get married immediately

Some people get engaged, see it as a further commitment but don't plan to get married at that point

Some people get engaged and start planning a wedding

Two years is a very normal amount of get married in if your both on the same page. You need to sit and discuss what you both want to happen next and be prepared to compromise if needed. But he shouldn't use your personality against you. He knows who you are, if that's not for him then he needs to figure that out sooner not later. If a wedding is a deal breaker for you you need this chat before you try to conceive.

littlelid · 16/01/2023 05:19

Tbh if you want to be married and have children i think the marriage is more important than the wedding here so 2 years is too long.

autienotnaughty · 16/01/2023 05:21

Also I got engaged, discovered a month letter I was pregnant (planned) we set a date for two and a half years later. We planned and booked everything during the pregnancy figuring it would be easier that way.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 05:22

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 03:18

Ps also I have to say whilst we all know money is finite, unless the house is tumbling down round you, any further renovations can and should be put on hold if you are concerned about money until after the wedding. The commitment to you is more important than getting the house up to scratch. Personally especially at your age i would be insistent on marriage before having a baby. You need to know he is committed to you before the house and any baby in the future, you deserve to be the number one priority

Thank you so much.

The house is fine now. Still needs lots doing but it's liveable. It's on hold for few more years.

I will try talk to figure. Good stuck up.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 05:24

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 05:22

Thank you so much.

The house is fine now. Still needs lots doing but it's liveable. It's on hold for few more years.

I will try talk to figure. Good stuck up.

Show quote history

Best of luck and congrats!

escapingthecity · 16/01/2023 05:27

Being engaged is a temporary status, not an end destination. A wedding takes as long to plan as you give it. Two years is a long engagement.

BigHeadBertha · 16/01/2023 05:33

Two years seems excessive to me for a small wedding. When someone proposes, it's reasonable to assume that means it's time to start planning the wedding. If he doesn't want to get married until the far off future then why on earth did he propose?

Also, at 37 years old, your fertility has already taken a sharp decline. I would definitely not wait to start trying if you want babies. Good luck.

ShippingNews · 16/01/2023 05:36

You are planning a small wedding - two years seems incredibly long to me, for a small event like this. DH and I had 20 day / 40 evening and we planned the whole thing in one month .

You've been together for 10 years already , and your biological clock is ticking pretty fast now , so if you want children it's time to get cracking on that. Personally I'd go for a little registry office wedding, a party for 40 , and then go home and make babies. Your DP will string this out until it's too late .

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 05:41

Sounds like you 2 have very different expectations. I'd be hurt and annoyed at his response. If he had been lighthearted and said Wow babe, slow down that's OK, but he didn't. He basically said its not happening anytime soon.
For me personally I would view a proposal as someone asking to get married. The engagement is simply the state of being engaged to be married. In my eyes if you're engaged you've said you're willing and ready to marry ut have the logistics of sorting z wedding first.
If he's not ready to commit to a date/plan I'd be inclined to say OK, forget the engagement, ask me again when you're ready.
Surely you've been together long enough to be as sure as you'll ever be. Is it possible he just got carried away in the heat of the moment and is back tracking?

Sweetener12 · 16/01/2023 05:43

Eh, I personally think that 2 years is fine and it's enough time to properly plan a wedding, it's about average, not exactly too long or too soon, but the way your FH speaks to you about your excitement is conserning. Life is too short to not drink a champagne gifted to celebrate or not make silly funny smartshow 3d engagement videos with your photos. How is that even wrong when you really do have something to celebrate and be happy about? Maybe he's just overwhelmed, hence the reaction, but I wouldn't appreciate it.

Blueberry40 · 16/01/2023 05:45

Just to offer a different perspective. My (now DH) proposed after 2 years of seeing each other when we were both mid thirties. He did exactly what your DP did to the point where he wouldn’t discuss wedding plans at all and said he just wanted to enjoy being engaged. Any attempt I made to plan a wedding was thwarted and eventually I just gave up and accepted we would never marry. I felt it was a huge red flag but stayed in the relationship because I love him. We finally got married last year (very small wedding) after 8 years together.

I realise in hindsight that he had nerves about being the centre of attention and was hugely concerned about the cost of a big wedding-he’s a cautious person and it became this massive hurdle that just stressed him out every time he thought about it. It was never lack of commitment to me but an aversion to weddings in general- the planning, the cost, the awkward decisions about who to invite, the general hugeness of the day. I made the mistake of assuming he wanted the same big wedding that I did, not stopping to consider that it might just all feel too much for him.

If your DP is similar could you have something very small soon that didn’t feel too overwhelming to legally bind you and then plan a large blessing over a longer period of time? Maybe he would be more receptive to that. Would also be safer for you if you’re planning a family together.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 16/01/2023 05:53

If you want a particular venue/time of the year etc then 2 years may be necessary but it’s definitely not a short engagement. Being engaged is about planning a wedding so if you are not planning a wedding yet what is there to enjoy/what’s different than before.

ohfook · 16/01/2023 06:11

Frabbits · 15/01/2023 22:26

2 years is a reasonable length of time to take from engagement to wedding but if you are already drawing up guest lists (for crying out loud) having got engaged less than a week ago then it's very likely he has a point about enjoying the engagement to some extent. Are you sure you haven't prematurely gone a bit mental about it all?

My dh presented me with a wedding planner Filofax thing the second I said yes! We were making plans that afternoon. Surely part of enjoying the engagement is thinking about the wedding and your marriage?

PurBal · 16/01/2023 06:27

IMO engagement is a stepping stone not a status in itself. You’re neither single or married and it’s a weird half way place to be. I didn’t like being engaged at all because of this. 2 years sounds pretty long (we had 6 months) but I think it’s fairly usual if you have your heart set on a particular venue. Why did your FI propose if he doesn’t want to get married?

houseargh · 16/01/2023 06:31

Two years is more than enough time. Sounds like he wanted to get engaged (or thought he ought to) but doesn't currently want to get married. Maybe he's hoping he'll change his mind in future but sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about the basis of your relationship and commitment level