Do people realise there's more housework if you're a SAHP?

[CantPreventSpring]

Just that. I'm not denying the difficulty of juggling work and home responsibilities, but I often see people on here say stuff like "I manage AND hold down a job, so how can you possibly be struggling?"

Being at home all day with small children creates mess. You can get odd things done, but you can't properly clean your house with toddlers and babies around. Especially if they're terrible nappers. I have to clean when the kids are asleep, the same as working parents, and everything is messier than it would be if nobody was home all day.

Now I'm also doing paid work after kids' bedtime the only possible option is having a cleaner. There's literally not time otherwise.

I'm not complaining about my lot in general. I think there's a lot that's harder about juggling nursery runs, commutes, appointments, kids sick days and so on if you are out of the house, but this particular point really bugs me.

It's that everyone saying some version of "I manage the housework AND work full time, so how can you lazy bitches be drowning"

You need new friends if anyone is saying that to you. I have friends that work and other SAHP friends and everyone is honest that their house is a shit hole and that having young kids is hard.

I think some people forget that working parents have days off and annual leave, so we’re perfectly aware of exactly how much extra mess there is when you’re not out at work. And also aware that it’s kind of irrelevant in comparison to also fitting in a day of work on top of it.

If you've got grandparents looking after them at home and not doing anything other than look after them, that's obviously different again. I guess you could spend money you save on childcare on more help though 😁

I think if we had grandparents who were local and willing I'd work a bit more myself. Not full-time but more.

Yes of course there is more housework. There is obviously more time to deal with it as you are at home but yes there is more stuff to do to keep the house clean, especially when you have little ones. When my dc were little and in nursery the house just stayed as it was apart from a few dishes in the kitchen but when the littlies were home they made a mess in every room we were in 😄

I work full time plus then have my kids every waking hour when I’m home. I still have all the house work to do with less hours.
mum not saying being a stay at home parent is easy by any means (I was one for three years and yes it was constant and relentless ) but you do have more ‘time’ to do bits of house work even if it’s five mins here and there (I used to try and get up earlier than my kids to do house work) but now I’m out of the house working for 40- 50 hours a week and still have to make tea wash up/ put the washer on/ sort the washing out and try and find time to clean the bathrooms etc… relentless and exhausting and there’s not enough time in the day / week to do anything else but work / clean/ feed the kids and try and ‘enjoy’ motherhood.

I have always worked full time, but have been at home during 3 May leaves. Being at home is a walk in the park compared to working for me personally, just extremely boring. Being a SAHM is not hard work at all in my opinion.

Mat leaves not may leaves

2 mornings a week, we introduced going to breakfast club. This somehow manages to reduce 1 1/2 hr of cleaning/house work each day (bowls need hand washing, have to wait to change their clothes due to possible spillage, ask the rinsing out of yoghurt pots, wiping down table, sweeping up spillage, mopping, and on and on)

....

So absolutely yes, staying at home just creates more more more housework.

Just more!

I work full time over 4 days a week. The 5th day at home doing childcare is an absolute breeze in comparison. We tidy up as we go along, my kid can be left for 2 mins while I put on a load of washing and will e.g. do playdough while I fold it. I call it my breathing space day!

Plenty of FT workers don't do 9-5 5 days a week

It depends, though. On Saturdays we normally do some nice family activity of visit out of the house. Sunday is generally church and then the park as a family. It's weekdays that the real chaos happens in my house.

Even when we're at home all day, two adults means one can kind the kids while the other actually does the dishes immediately rather than adding them to the long list of things that need dealing with when the kids are asleep. It's a different experience.

I literally don't know how single parents manage whether they do paid work or not. It's crazy to me that there's a cultural stereotype of 'lazy' single mothers 'sitting at home' as if it's an easy life.

I have a 3 year old and 1 year old.

If people aren't in it, they won't remember what it's like. It also depends on how many you have. I found it easy when I had one.

It's a crazy mad house in my house now with 2. I work 4 days a week. My house is clean and tidy on those 4 days, the other 3 it gets SO messy. I don't prioritise tidying though, I love and enjoy my kids and we have such a great time together. I tidy in the evening + kids help taking dishes away but I feel you.

Huge respect to SAHMs, I know I wouldn't manage & I work for an investment bank - very high pressure but it's all completely different, you just can't compare it.

UANBU. A bathroom used only a couple of time a day is going to stay a lot cleaner than a bathroom used umpteen times a day. Buying breakfast on the way to work, eating lunch out (or even dinner)...all that work and mess - shopping for food, emptying the bin, wiping down counters etc - is done outside of the house, often by other people e.g. office cleaner, deli staff etc.

I miss it 😪

Thank you! It makes me feel like I'm missing some magic strategy everyone else knows when people claim it doesn't generate any extra mess.

I couldn't manage your life. The one investment banker with kids I know has two nannies for two kids, one of whom is also in school. We've been on holiday with him and he doesn't seem to stop working.

It’s always harder for the woman who works a job and also has to do all the other tasks. Logic.

I stayed at home with mine and of course house will get a bit messier because you’re home using it but I always acknowledged that mothers who work jobs have it much harder in every way, that’s just a fact.

Sorry, it definitely is not more difficult than working out of the home for most people. Most people I know have very busy, very stressful jobs and usually work over their contracted hours and at home. Plus at work you have to work with others including those you might not like, you might have a difficult boss or staff to manage or both and you don’t get to choose these people or what work you bother doing or not. I’m not saying being at home is easy, it’s not. But unless you have a very easy job with amazing colleagues, for most people being at work is much harder

There’s only one person so far doing any “slagging off” on this thread and it’s you @ShellsPebbles.

Plus you clearly know Jack all about what working parents’ lives are like (and clearly judge them for it.) This was actually a rare interesting, courteous and reasonable discussion about stay at home parenting. Thanks for making it a bigoted race to the bottom.

YABU

My home has never been so clean than when we were in lockdown and I was wfh FT too.

Same as the weekends.
I will get it spotless and then it gets gradually messier during the week.

When people get home they cook and eat their food as well as have messy play etc - all of which need tidying away afterwards, which they tend to do right away.

This is the exact same as a SAHP - they may have lunch at home which others wouldn’t but they’d just spend 5 mins clearing away afterwards.

The reason why a home with a SAHP is more tidy is because they can put a wash on it the morning and hoover during the day and clean more regularly than someone who works FT.

What you are saying would be true if someone who works FT didn’t ever come home but they only have 1 less meal a day at home and the DCs will be just as messy, wear the same amount of clothes, take the same amount of showers etc.

So yes you have more time to make mess, but you also have more time to clean it up.

I'll never forget the mounds of toys and Lego I had to clear up every night. Often several times!

You’re totally correct op.

I was a stay at home mum to a 1
and 2 year old during the worst bits of
the covid pandemic restrictions.

I had to entertain them all day. Every day.
no garden.

toys, playdoh, sensory play, meals,
snacks, all the toys tipped out of baskets constantly, shoes taken off the shoe rack, not being able to take my eyes off them for a minute to even load the dishwasher (I’m serious) …. They’re 3 and 5 now and I’m working , but at the weekends the house is SO MUCH MESSIER than it is Mon-fri. Craft stuff everywhere , train sets, Lego, Playdoh , baking, dressing up clothes,
food prep for three meals a day for everyone.*

Small children at home all day create a huge amount of mess and due to running around like a blue arsed fly after them much of the work needs to be done into the night (like a working parent).

I still have loads to do in the evenings , but less tidying up when they’ve not been home all day.

*yes, we do go out.

So yes you have more time to make mess, but you also have more time to clean it up.

not necessarily true

@CantPreventSpring You're doing great. Don't listen. If you need a pep talk, message me! I find it strange when people tell me how well they manage or managed. I would too with 1 to be honest. It's like the work quadrupled when baby number 2 arrived.

I'd love to see them 1 day in my house. They also fight like cats and dogs. I work 9-5. I used to work 8-7. It's an agreement I have with my wonderful boss but I am just very lucky. I'm not very senior yet but I didn't give myself enough time for my career and I just prioritise my family now and am completely happy to not be promoted but do a good job if that makes sense. I had my first in my 20s, most women in my industry have their children mid to late 30s, they often establish their careers before but yes, they all have nannies. My boss also had a nanny when hers were younger. My husband is wonderful and has a very flexible job which helps. Take the pressure off though, honestly.

What you do is mentally draining and hard graft, lonely, can be mind numbing but you're actually watching your children grow which is beyond special. It was never meant to be easy but challenging but haven't we learned so much since they arrived? X

@CantPreventSpring I was a single parent when dd was little, so my weekend experience didn’t involve 2 adults juggling a toddler and the washing up. I didn’t know any different so rather than striking me it was hard I just thought some people had it extremely easy.
Comparing different situations is pretty pointless though, I also had horses but in comparison to a sahp to a child with complex disability, my life was relaxing. Ditto if I compare with a single parent working pt but in poverty. You can only really compare with your own situation with or without going to work.

To all those parents with small children who say they have mountains of mess and toys to clear up of an evening. Do yourselves and your children a favour and start tidying up as you go along. Finished with something? It gets tidied away before you start on the next thing. It's a really good habit to get into early on.

I agree with you OP.

I work but have had my children home with a nanny and DH works from home.

The house never catches a break. There is never time to clean it and people are constantly in it messing it up, creating dishes, spilling things, pulling out toys.

On the rare occasion the children go to the grandparents for a day, I can actually make some progress.

We have a cleaner, could not work unless I outsourced things like this as I just don't have the opportunity clean it unless we waste half the weekend with the children out having fun with DH while I mop the floors.

@toocold54 I completely disagree with you - sorry.