Do people realise there's more housework if you're a SAHP?

[CantPreventSpring]

Just that. I'm not denying the difficulty of juggling work and home responsibilities, but I often see people on here say stuff like "I manage AND hold down a job, so how can you possibly be struggling?"

Being at home all day with small children creates mess. You can get odd things done, but you can't properly clean your house with toddlers and babies around. Especially if they're terrible nappers. I have to clean when the kids are asleep, the same as working parents, and everything is messier than it would be if nobody was home all day.

Now I'm also doing paid work after kids' bedtime the only possible option is having a cleaner. There's literally not time otherwise.

I'm not complaining about my lot in general. I think there's a lot that's harder about juggling nursery runs, commutes, appointments, kids sick days and so on if you are out of the house, but this particular point really bugs me.

@CantPreventSpring But working parents went through hell on Earth during the pandemic when childcare was closed, especially those with pre-school age kids. Because it is actually extra work. The people looking after your kids during the day are working and so are the cleaners who come after the nursery closes.

But that isn’t the same situation at all, no one complained during the pandemic because they had to do housework while their children were around - it was that they had to work a full time job, while homeschooling their children, while also doing normal day to day tasks like cooking and cleaning.
Working full time while not being able to access any childcare is not comparable to a SAHP who just had to look after the children without doing full time hours at the same time. It’s literally apples to oranges.

Nobody is slagging anyone off here except you. Working parents don’t just read one book and make their kids tea.

I get your point OP. Part of the issue is that being at home more means your focus is the house - you don't leave in the morning and just not think about it all day. You can't switch it off so it is endless!

Small children are just generally hard work. Try and contain them to two rooms. Makes it a bit easier

@BeGentlePeeps

Thank you :) I've been toying with the idea for a while as some areas of my home are starting to get a bit neglected you know like the corners and under / behind things & can't remember the last time I washed my windows. By the time I've tidied, done dishes,laundry, cleaned surfaces and hoovered I don't have the energy for a deeper clean. I'm thinking once a month and il just try my best the rest of the time.

I guess it depends on the person and the situation, I had 13 months of being at home from my son being 18 monthsish, it didn’t seem like there was more cleaning etc, if we did something messy like pasta squishing etc it was on a cut open bin bag, so I could just put the whole thing in the bin. I don’t like cleaning and I’m fairly lazy, but for me it didn’t seem like a great deal more, yes lots of putting toys back in boxes, but apart from that it didn’t really seem any different cleaning wise.

Absolutely. I get it.

You slog your arse off all day, and when you sit down at night it doesn’t feel like there has been any tangible achievement. There clearly has been thought, it’s just not visible on a spreadsheet or in a payslip.

For me the best balance was working 3 days a week. Loved escaping the house for a break from home, loved having a break from work at home.

Definitely agree, OP. My house gets so much messier at the weekends and on other days my toddler is at home!

Exception: laundry. You definitely have more chance to do laundry than me!

Full time workers leave the mess for their childminders to clear up. One book before bed and making their kids tea doesn’t compare even slightly.

Oh that's where I'm going wrong! It's not getting the non-existent childminder, that doesn't come to your house or clean anyway, to do all the housework! Thank fuck someone came along to show us shitty working parents the light.

It really is a shame that kids need food, clothes and shelter or we could all sack off work.

Me too. Some people have no idea.

I don't think you've thought this argument through. Parents who WORKED from home whilst simultaneously looking after their pre-schoolers during lockdown were doing TWO jobs simultaneously during those 8 hours. They weren't just working in the office for those 8 hours, or just working in childcare for those 8 hours, or just looking after their own kids. They were working in the (home) office at the same time as doing childcare. It was in no way comparable to being an SAHP which, unless I've misunderstood, is what you're trying to suggest.

O, you’re absolutely right. I’d much rather my children mess up their childminder’s house.

@CantPreventSpring
There's advantages and disadvantages to all situations, you're right... And I definitely find even having those little moments to do food prep, laundry, changing sheets during the day quite helpful (and why I only work part time!) And having read your update about doing tasks and having the kids screaming in the background - I do see how that feels like more work because its just so draining, and frustrating trying to get things done and deal with unhappy small kids!

I've definitely found two a bigger challenge. I find I leave more stuff to deal with later, because one or the other urgently needs me for some other reason, and it accumulates. I find that they both want more of my attention than I'm able to split between them even if I did nothing other than playing with them, add in tidying and cooking and stuff and my heart is honestly racing trying to juggle competing demands sometimes. When it's just me and the one-year-old I have space to breathe, and I can get her to "help" me hang laundry up or whatever.

Maybe it's my kids, maybe I need better strategies, maybe it's just having two at the ages they are. All I know is most evenings are spent resetting the house to an acceptable standard + getting one or two non-daily house jobs done. And now I'm working a few evenings, the resetting is more on my husband and I've had to outsource the non-daily stuff to a cleaner.

I think I would find working outside the house a challenge. I'm planning to step up my work once the youngest is 2, but still from home because I really see the benefit of that flexibility if you're lucky enough to have that option. It just drives me insane when people talk as if SAHPs are chilling the whole time. I'm frazzled. I'm certainly more frazzled than I was working long hours pre-kids (not trying to compare that to working long hours AND having kids).

Both have their challenges but I don't see how anyone can't see that working and parenting is harder whichever way you look at it.

I'm saying it was a nightmare for any of you who had to do that because, as you say, it's two jobs. The domestic and childcare stuff was a second job on top of your existing job.

Hahaha. The extra work during covid wasn't from having to hoover round my kids. It was from trying to do my job from the kitchen table whilst breastfeeding a 1 year old and teaching a 4 year old phonics!

Posting this as I read your final update - adjusting to 2 is hard! Especially as your youngest gets more mobile and you have to balance the needs of both. It's normal to feel frazzled at times and you don't need to justify feeling overwhelmed. Being at home with kids can be hard, working can be hard. We shouldn't be making it into a competition 😊

Lordy, has someone said that?

Youre always going to get The Guilt. I get riled when posters use the whole ‘why don’t you stay at home, why did you go back to work, why did you even have kids if you aren’t going to raise them’. Looks like you get it from the other ‘side’ of ‘you must be so lazy not bothering to work’.

You can’t win as a working age mother of young kids.

Thank you! All I want is that recognition that it's not a day of chilling on the sofa and calmly hanging up a few bits of laundry. I don't know why I care about strangers opinions but I read a couple of posts today that really irked me.

Working full-time with small children seems tough. I think my husband's career benefits from me not working. He can easily go abroad when necessary, can work late without needing to worry about nursery pick ups and never has to take time off for (relentless!) child illnesses. if both of you are working there's a whole set of new challenges.

On the other hand, shouldering the full financial burden is tricky. My 10 evening hours are helping us a lot.

You're right, you can't win.

I think the suggestion that using childcare means you aren't raising your own kids is despicable fwiw.

I don't understand the constant need to compare working parents and SAHP. It is just not possible as there are too many variables. It depends on what job, what hours, how stressful, ages and personalities of DC, health issues of DC or parents, what family support there is, how much money is available, etc etc. It is just not as simple as saying working parents have it harder, or vice versa. Every single family situation is unique, so comparing them because of one factor (working or not) is ludicrous.

Being at home you can set your own agenda, fit jobs in. Working all day then switching back into mum mode and finding the energy to do the tidying and cleaning that need doing is hard.

I work full time so does DH, you seem to think people who work ft only do 9-5 Monday to Friday leaning the house empty and the child at nursery. DS is at home 5 days a week, and that's not always with us, so I'm quite often greeted by a nerd when I open the front door, that I wouldn't dream of asking grandparents to tidy/clean.
Having said that you couldn't pay me enough to be a SAHM!

I thought op was saying it was messier rather than harder.

Having taught all the way through the hard years, I got to do both, sort of.

There was more mess when I was off, but I had more time to sort it.

Working meant everyone out by 730, breakfast bowls in the sink and the house full of morning chaos.
Home by 6, then a couple of hours for tea, seeing kids and clearing up. The bulk of the housework got shunted to weekends. I spent about 10 years permanently exhausted, even though dh and i split everything. But I have been training the kids to do their bit as they've got older.