It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I have a feeling I’ll be hearing from her in the not too distant future. I need to shore up some strength to resist. I have spent a significant amount of time basically seriously infatuated with her. I don’t know that can be turned off stone dead in 24 hours.

“In his short 1864 book, Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoyevsky tells the story of a man who is “too conscious.” The man, whose name we never learn is so aware of his own thoughts and feelings as to cause him to be indecisive and overly self-critical.“

Sounds like someone I know.

Not again!

That’s enough to make a girl get herself down to the local ‘Spoons, watch the football and order several pints of wife beater.

Yep, that’s why you have to block her. You’re only human and she will be back in touch.

I'm loving the support for @TheRightDecisions

She knows underneath that she made a good call and that her lesbian partner was unkind and trying to undermine her

But she Definitely needs to hear it!! Will help her block this woman who has done a number on her

I hate to say it but I'm "an intellectual" I am regularly invited for specialist talks at Unis . Never once thought myself better than anyone else and being wise and kind are far more important traits. When I get it wrong- as we all do sometimes as we're human- I apologise genuinely as I would never hurt anyone I care about (or anyone else ) intentionally

@TheRightDecisions It's not even like he said it to be mean and he did compliment me a lot on how I looked.
Hence his confusion on why I was bothered..
He liked size 6-8, which meant he liked young women too. Gross.

Ewwww @QueefQueen80s

Nasty.

Hide the children away.

Exactly what I came here for.

I’ve had so many aha moments from reading all the great minds here.

An "intellectual." FFS, what does that even really mean to her? She sounds like an insufferable toad.

I'll drop in a quick translation of that for anybody who prefers a slightly less intellectual take.

It's a story about a bloke who is so far up his own arse he never achieves anything other than hurt others.

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intellectual

2a and b would seem to be the best fit as I doubt even the irritating partner means Aristotle or Erasmus.

I don't see why so may posters are getting in a lather about the partner's preferences, they're perfectly reasonable, just no need at all for her to have gone on about it and reveal herself to be a wazzock.

Many not may.

SHe may have had the conversation with a friend, who may have given her good advice... But she must be really dim to have relayed it to you.
Did her previous partners break up with her because she's thick, or just too pretentious?
Lucky escape.

One was because she threw a massive scene apparently, I was hesitant to ask the details. I can only assume throwing of things featured.
She said she knows she shouldn’t have done that and wouldn’t do it again, and exercises better control these days.

It almost sounded to me like she would be back in that relationship like a shot, given the chance. Mostly because of the high falutin intellectual career I would imagine.

They were back to being friends, that might have been awkward for me… another reason why this end is a good thing.

The only reason she mentioned her ex with the big career is to keep you on your toes.

@Eyerollcentral agree

But is such a snooze fest isn't it? The unkind comments trying to compare ex partners to attempt to make your current partner feel "less than" when really if they were the right person she'd still be with them and clearly they weren't

It's manipulative relationship behaviour 101 for immature idiots who lack the kindness gene

Yep, it's called hoovering. Block.
Start thinking about other women. 😄

If I had to diagnose her with my full faux intellectual credentials from Disneyland for the evening I would say she is suffering from imposter syndrome-itus. Yep, that’s it. She doesn’t value any of her own accomplishments or great traits. Despite all this sound and fury with the big I am.

She constantly talked about reintegrating various things in her life… it is because she’s so shut off from certain parts of herself and they don’t communicate with each other.

People are so interestingly. If she wasn’t so hurtful, I would have been so curious to learn more.

Op you know her better but sorry she is text book narcissist. You are looking for explanations because normal people don’t behave like she has. Stop looking for a solution honestly, she will chew you up and spit you out…and then chew you up and spit you out all over again. Stop feeling sorry for her and block

I’m open to offers and it now turns out I’m free this Friday. 😃

From now on, anyone mentioning the books of Russian novelists will get said books shoved in the narrowest orifices, starting from the top with the nostrils.

As far as personality disorders go, if I were a betting woman, I would go with BPD.

The emotional instability
The warped/disturbed patterns of thinking / perception
The impulsivity behaviour - throwing things
Intense but unstable relationships
The sensitivity to rejection and so all the games that then end up in said rejection.

I would have spotted her a mile off if she were a narcissist. There may be quite a bit of covert fragile narcissist wrapped up in there, but deeply hidden and buried, she is too fearful and unsure of herself to be blatant.

Wild guesses. Not a professional.

I think you've done the right thing, as you two sound not very well suited to each other.

I'm not sure she was being mean though. Clumsy, most likely. I could've said something like that myself when trying to say you never know how things will turn up/ who is really right for you, etc. Also what is an intellectual in her mind? People tend to define it differently.

Gently OP stop wondering, put her out of your head. You are giving her way too much headspace. At this rate you’ll be texting her next week thinking you can handle it. It’s you who will be hurt

I posted earlier that she admitted she did that because she felt insecure about how she looks.

So, it’s not about this one comment, the real concern here is, what will she door the next time she feels insecure? And the time after that…?