Page 8 | It’s important for me to date intellectuals

TheRightDecisions · 2023-01-15T20:42:44+00:00

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months. Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be… She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said. I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise. Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”. I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than. Am I being unreasonable? My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now. Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 10:54

BatildaB · 16/01/2023 10:36

I know this isn’t the point but honestly you sound a lot more intelligent than her. There are fields where being manipulative and self promoting go a lot further than actual cleverness and originality. And it’s often more of a class thing than an innate ability thing what path people take. My previous partners have all been multiple degree oxbridgey types, my current partner didn’t finish school. He’s not any less intelligent than the overachievers even if he’s less likely to have read Dostoyevsky. I can’t imagine for a second telling him that I was dating down and if I said something that came out that way I’d be mortified and apologetic not defensive and angry. Your ex (well done) sounds like she’s not really that secure about her intelligence as well as about her looks if she feels the need to ring fence and police the in group and go on about which books give you a pass into it.

Now that you put it that way, it sounds absurd.

She must live in a deeply uncomfortable fearful place in her mind during these times.

I feel really bad for her, and feel that maybe I could help her feel better or see herself or me more clearly, but I must not let compassion pull me back in… I’m trying to grow and feel better in these later years of my life, I have my own demons to deal with and don’t need random extra ones projected on to me!

If she wanted help, she has the mind to find the help.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 10:56

Getting help is only the beginning of a journey anyway, and not an immediate solution… sometimes there is no solution as such, we live with and manage issues sometimes rather than succeed in eradicating them altogether.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 11:09

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2023 09:55

@JudgeRudy

Why is it pretentious though? If debating, discussing, hypothesising, challenging analysing etc are things she enjoys, then she would probably be best suited to an 'intectual'. If she has 5 dogs shexwould be best looking for an animal lover.

Where to start:

a) Many people discuss, hypothesise, challenge and analyse without styling themselves as an "intellectual". Ring-fencing these activities as the preserve of "intellectuals" suggests that only a tiny percentage of people have the capacity to do this which is absurd.
b) Saying you "only" date one small sub-set of people is an incredibly blunt instrument and ignores the fluid nature of these things. If you said you "only" dated people who do sports or you "only" date attractive people you would rightly be pilloried for putting in absurdly rigid boxes.
c) Human relationships don't follow rules like this. Yes some similarity of outlook is important but it's not a check-box approach of finding someone who likes exactly the same things as you. There are other much less tangible elements of human attraction (including sex, emotional compatibility and lifestyle and value compatibility) which are at least as important as whether you have identical interests. Anyone who is that dogmatic about what they need from a relationship probably doesn't have the emotional intelligence to sustain one.
d) It just sounds incredibly arrogant and snobbish to call yourself an "intellectual". I don't know what the formal definition of an intellectual is but it almost certainly relies on someone making a living from their intellect. I would bet good money that this woman doesn't.

I agree that there's a lot more to a successful relationship than shared interests but maybe the challenge iaround the definition of the word itself. I wouldn't necessarily think an intellectual would make a living from their intellect. I can think of one particular person I know who just would describe as sn intellectual and they're a bricklayer. So already we are talking about different things. I'd also think of it maybe as being a lot more than an interest or ability to hold a 'meaty' conversation. I think of it as a way of being, a fundamental part of who you are eg maybe someone like Leandardo De Vinci. I wouldn't be put off at all by someone describing themselves or partners this way but maybe OP needs to clarify what her GF actually meant.

IcallitVera · 16/01/2023 11:13

I'd just say it was important to ME that we be equal in the relationship and that I could never be happy in a relationship with someone who thought they were better than me.

Then block her. You don't need to be gaslighted.

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 11:21

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 11:09

I agree that there's a lot more to a successful relationship than shared interests but maybe the challenge iaround the definition of the word itself. I wouldn't necessarily think an intellectual would make a living from their intellect. I can think of one particular person I know who just would describe as sn intellectual and they're a bricklayer. So already we are talking about different things. I'd also think of it maybe as being a lot more than an interest or ability to hold a 'meaty' conversation. I think of it as a way of being, a fundamental part of who you are eg maybe someone like Leandardo De Vinci. I wouldn't be put off at all by someone describing themselves or partners this way but maybe OP needs to clarify what her GF actually meant.

Show quote history

What specific clarification were you hoping for? I’ve given multiple examples so far…

OP posts:

Ladyincrimson · 16/01/2023 11:23

YANBU She sounds like a dick

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 11:41

If you don’t have mutual respect in your relationship, what do you have, really?

OP posts:

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 16/01/2023 11:54

I'm attracted to smart people. I love being with people more intelligent than me. It's a real turn on. However I also require kindness and emotional intelligence, which she seems to be severely lacking.

If I wasn't in a happy relationship (with someone I consider much smarter than me, thoigh he disagrees) I would be making eyes at you, OP!. Your insightful posts, self confidence and ability to analyse yourself and the people around you whilst maintaining compassion makes you a really attractive person. Good luck finding somebody worthy of all that you have to offer.

Fimofriend · 16/01/2023 11:54

Is "Crime and Punishment" very intellectual? Don't get me wrong, I liked the book but what about it is intellectual? That it is a thick book with many words? Because the same is every book in the Lord of the Ring triology and they are not considered intellectual.

thewinterwitch · 16/01/2023 12:18

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 10:14

To give her her dues, there is no doubt she is an intellectual, she earns her living this way, she is also internationally recognised as an expert in her field.

And to be fair, she didn’t directly refer to herself as an intellectual, but she did say it was “extremely important” to her that she date “intellectuals”, because she was used to rubbing shoulders with artists and academics, and they could all converse on the same subjects. What these were were only given as an example yesterday… Dostoevsky. I didn’t realise this particular writer was some sort of special singular entry card into elevated circles beyond my reckoning or imagination. Maybe I should read Crime and punishment to see what the fuss is about? 🤓

Read Notes From Underground, instead.

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/01/2023 12:26

Intellectual doesn't equal intelligent.

There are people who are bright, who find it easy to learn and solve problems.

There are people who devote a lot of time to learning about topics that interest them.

In the crossover between those you get very highly informed people who enjoy complex discussions about their topics of interest.

But that wouldn't mean they have read particular classic novels, or studied philosophy, unless that specifically happens to interest them.

"Intellectual" seems more like a particular self image, like "hipster" or "punk" or "outdoorsy" - it describes how you spend your time, the lifestyle you persue, the books and music you choose, perhaps even your clothes (tweed jacket?) and choice of neighboorhood. If those people want to date others of the same lifestyle, fine, but it doesn't mean they have superior intelligence or taste.

Jimboscott0115 · 16/01/2023 12:38

I have a very dim view of anyone who self styles as an intellectual OP and it sounds like your now ex is one of them.

It's pretentious and an often false description that people like to give themselves with little to no evidence to back it up. The sharpest minds I've ever encountered have been bright, intelligent, quick witted and not pretentious - they would certainly not describe themselves as intellectuals.

WinterFoxes · 16/01/2023 12:48

Jimboscott0115 · 16/01/2023 12:38

I have a very dim view of anyone who self styles as an intellectual OP and it sounds like your now ex is one of them.

It's pretentious and an often false description that people like to give themselves with little to no evidence to back it up. The sharpest minds I've ever encountered have been bright, intelligent, quick witted and not pretentious - they would certainly not describe themselves as intellectuals.

Totally agree with this.

It is very Adrian Mole aged 13 3/4 to talk about 'being intellectual.'

Aurorabored · 16/01/2023 12:51

NewNameNigel · 15/01/2023 21:01

Honestly anyone uttering the that phrase "I only date intellectuals" is clearly a nob. To then follow up with nonsense about how they are dating you despite you not being up their standards is at best rude and at worst starting off with the subtle put downs that preclude an abusive relationship.

This

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2023 12:53

Intellectual doesn't equal intelligent.

And this. With bells on. I grew up around people who liked to think of themselves as "intellectuals" and for the most part they were emotionally challenged and woefully lacking in self-awareness.

Also its a horrible a cliche to say intellectuals lack common sense but there is more than a grain of truth to this.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/01/2023 13:32

She's not a nice person , you didn't make her feel bad. You pulled her up in her nastiness of trying to undermine you in a clear and mature way. ("That was a hurtful thing to say..")

You were absolutely right to end it OP, grown up relationships are about mutual respect and support, being on the same team and love and kindness. If your parent is secretly cruel then your life together would be miserable. She's not good enough for you

Everything she's said to you then and since is the manipulative immaturity, of an insecure woman lacking in wisdom who wanted to try to undermine your self esteem for her own unkind reasons and was trying to blame you for calling her out on her unpleasantness!
Who would want to date someone like that??!

I would stop talking to her, you know she's too emotionally immature & unkind to waste anymore of your thoughts and wise words on. Don't try to understand her, you won't be able to as she's been smoke and mirrors, just be glad that you were astute enough to spot it quickly once she showed her true colours & the mask slipped. For some people it takes years to work out!

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/01/2023 13:32

I meant to type Partner not parent 😱

potniatheron · 16/01/2023 13:38

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/01/2023 21:07

I'm suddenly reminded of the Adrian Mole quote 'I am an intellectual, but at the same time I am not very clever.'. Maybe your ex is an Adrienne Mole.

LOL thank you Strychnine! I also immediately thought of Adrian Mole! Mainly because no one apart from OP's ex has used the term 'intellectual' unironically since about 2005!

Gymnopedie · 16/01/2023 13:38

She is massively insecure, but where some insecure people would hide away in a corner she tries to cover it by making herself out to be a real tough cookie with very high standards. You are right to end it. As you've referred to yourself, this wouldn't be the last time she belittled you to make herself feel better and bigger. It's sad (for her) that she couldn't take your assurances that you wanted to be with her for who she is, not for who she tries to pretend she is.

She may not mean it that way, but one technique of an abuser is to make the partner feel so small, with such low/no self esteem that they are grateful that the abuser puts up with them. They're told that they're so shit no-one else would have them. So they stay with the abuser out of fear of being alone, to carry on being abused. She may not have gone that far, she may not have been so calculating, but who knows where it might have ended up.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 13:50

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 11:41

If you don’t have mutual respect in your relationship, what do you have, really?

Careful with the insightful comments op you might be categorised as an intellectual and attract the wrong sorts! 🤣🤣

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 14:20

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 08:08

I took this more as she would devalue/diminish any partner, purely because of the fact they want to be with her - that the fact they want to be with her shows they aren’t worth very much.

Show quote history

Maybe. But as others have said don’t waste too much time trying to work out what is in this wrapped mind

Verv · 16/01/2023 17:15

Ahhh OP.
I see you've met a weapons grade "intellectual" lesbian.
I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out but having been around the type, your journey did raise a wry smile.
They can really be quite potty and a bit up their own bottoms.
Sounds like you've escaped a standard variant.
May the force be with you.

QueefQueen80s · 16/01/2023 17:24

Someone I dated for a while said he preferred skinny women (I'm a curvy 12) and then wondered why I was upset and ended it. I will never be settled for.. whoever is with me is because they prefer my characteristics.

We were such a good match in most ways too.

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 18:40

Verv · 16/01/2023 17:15

Ahhh OP.
I see you've met a weapons grade "intellectual" lesbian.
I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out but having been around the type, your journey did raise a wry smile.
They can really be quite potty and a bit up their own bottoms.
Sounds like you've escaped a standard variant.
May the force be with you.

I hadn’t seen this type in the wild before. Had you captured and studied more than one?

One is quite enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRightDecisions · 16/01/2023 18:42

QueefQueen80s · 16/01/2023 17:24

Someone I dated for a while said he preferred skinny women (I'm a curvy 12) and then wondered why I was upset and ended it. I will never be settled for.. whoever is with me is because they prefer my characteristics.

We were such a good match in most ways too.

Bloody awesome!

What an idiot!

More negging! Since when is size 12 not skinny?
Good answer to that type of crap!

High five mate! 🤚

OP posts: