It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I dated a few people that were a bit dense and it really turned me off. It's a thing. You need to be compatible. That fact she said that to you while being with you obviously meams she thinks you are intelligent and you have over reacted perhaps ?

@TheRightDecisions yes, I was quick to comment after only reading your op.
Have read further your comments and

1. You sound super intelligent
2. She's v hard work
3. Your boundaries were crossed and that's that

Oh come on- there is a huge massive middle ground between intellectual and dense. It’s not a choice of a Mensa member or a complete airhead is it? Plenty of people aren’t “intellectuals” but have amazing emotional intelligence, empathy, sensitivity, kindness and intelligence. Discussing political writers isn’t much comfort when you’re grieving or need someone to support you work through difficult emotions. People who have a balance between intelligence and emotional self awareness are attractive because they are well rounded. Her ex might be intellectual but what good is that if she’s denigrating and de-valuing her partner? That’s vile behaviour and it doesn’t make it ok simply because she can dissect a social theory paper ffs

YANBU OP, she sounds a bit dim. Good luck with finding someone more emotionally sound.

@Thighlengthboots

You have put it beautifully.

Tbh ‘her friend told her to open her mind to dating me’ would put me right off. Either you fancy and me and like me, or you move on. I don’t particularly feel great if someone has to be persuaded to give me a chance!

She is currently still ignoring me. Fair enough if I’ve broken up with her.

I’m actually open to being friends, I think we’d get on fine when not in a relationship… but that can’t happen if I’m being given the silent treatment.

If it must end, then I want it to end quickly and not elongate pulling off that plaster.

I have some items to return to her. If I do it now, would it spoil the possibility of a friendship for her?

It’s overnight things, and they don’t need to be here if she will no longer be staying the night, and she might need them.

What would you all do in this situation?

Yes!
I’m still mortified and cringing intensely about this.
In what world is it okay to say this! Once, okay, it’s a slip, but twice!?
It’s deliberate.
Whatever the reasons, they are so deeply dysfunctional, I don’t think that relationship is emotionally safe for me.

Put them all in a bag or box and leave them until she contacts you.

You sound still invested tbh. A friendship will either evolve from the relationship or it won't, being so concerned about wanting to remain in contact as friends means you're not really letting go.

@Thighlengthboots, you’ve explained my feelings about this far better than I could have, thank you!

I wouldn't march round and dump the stuff. 😉
Send her a message and say you have some things she might be missing, would she like to collect or you could drop them off.
That's neutral and doesn't slam any doors though is a clear indication the relationship is concluded. She could take it at Dave value and reply her preference (saves face), or if she wanted to speak she could take the opportunity when the things are handed over.
You can't control her reactions but you can leave options open.
Just don't ask for something she isn't really offering, if she thinks similarly she will read carefully and leave options open too.

I don't think she needs to have a personality disorder to be riddled with insecurities that she has some maladapted coping mechanisms for and these have been the source of the putting you in your place and her history of behaviour which self sabotages her relationships.

We don't know her background but if she isn't conventionally attractive and got a rough time over that growing up, it wouldn't be a stretch of the imagination to think she might have taken refuge in her identity as a great mind, devalue other qualities in herself and therefore others. It sounds to me like she doesn't completely accept herself in all facets and this is affecting her ability to fully connect with her romantic partners.
Maybe she could see that her putting store only in intellectual brilliance isn't helpful and get some therapy to balance herself out she might be able to have better relationships. Maybe this loss will be the making of her.
Or she'll double down and dig in and hope to find someone similarly blinkered to share life with but keep her yawning chasm inside

I agree. DH once said ‘I usually like women with… but I really like your…’ when not thinking. It’s similar in that he notes I’m not the usual type he went for, but he acknowledged he fancied me as the reason for approaching me. That’s normal/ human.

Acting like you need persuasion is nobbish and I’d have dumped him early on for it. I thing dating is more simple than people make it. If you believe they respect and care for you, stay. If you are concerned they don’t, go.

To the person who refers to a type I must admit she sounds like someone I know well and could stereotype. She though fell out with me after I happily took a better paid job with family friendly hours that was not academic, over a research one. She places no value at all on what I love in life and it annoys me the snide comments about ‘wasting’ myself. I have no urge to stay in the poorly paid world of university work when I can see my family more and earn enough to have my (shallow) fun.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

It sounds to me like she doesn't completely accept herself in all facets and this is affecting her ability to fully connect with her romantic partners.

This. Anyone who constantly has to reiterate to other people why they feel they are so special or different from the rest of the world is defensive and feels they have something to prove.

Whether that's being an "intellectual" or being the hottest babe in school or the person most likely to succeed. It's a case of the lady doth protest too much.

Whatever it is, it's not something for you to feel insecure about.

How old are you both op?

Deep.

This.

From this very small snapshot, I don't like the sound of her!

Trust your instincts.

I think you’re onto something.

When you say “connection”, she has mentioned this herself when I talked about her disappearing in the middle of things, and how frustrating that was… whilst at other times, she throws herself in so completely, and that’s what kept me in it.

I realised amongst reason events that I was being kept half starved for her attention from the beginning, a sort of withholding, that she referred to as “reserve” and “caution”, I guess since our relationship is so new, and she said she didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

The mistakes were apparently that she lost herself and her identity and support networks throwing herself into the lives of her former partners, and she didn’t want that to happen again. I was fine with that, in fact, I felt of a similar mind, I didn’t want to do that lesbian symbiotic organism thing where you basically become the same person.

What I found difficult was a sort of detachment (outside the bedroom), that’s couldn’t put my finger on… she said she felt more comfortable expressing her emotions physically rather than verbally.

Recently, as we were breaking up, and she was trying to reassure me, she said she was not “indifferent”, and she really liked me.

I think the choice of word was revealing - “indifferent”. Why deny something I couldn’t accuse her of being?

All of this I think build up to an unstable/insecure attachment issues… which would then make me extremely insecure in the relationship and various times, and always wanting more, which now over time has been demoralising… it has dimmed the light of the enthusiasm and excitement that falling for someone usually creates… because if her “reserve” and “caution”… which might now be more accurately described as “indifference”, since she is the one who has introduced that word.

This looked at in total, would explain her supposed reluctance to date me, and her lack of enthusiasm or excitement. She was just never that into me. I mistook this as that she just wasn’t an excitable personality, which she was at pains to tell me throughout. Again, that kept me in it. Now I’m hurt and tired of this, it’s worn me out. I can be with someone who is very excited about me. I don’t need this.

I thought of Adrian Mole as well

The way she mentioned “connection”, was to say that sometimes she is “disconnected”, with her work, and friends.

You can be “disconnected” and still emotionally connected though.

I am actually seriously nit a clingy person, but someone, the being given just enough, and often left wanting more, has now made me feel more insecure and clingy than I’ve ever felt in a relationship.

This is why I wanted to get out now, I didn’t like who I was becoming with her. Needy and uncertain of myself. Not fun stuff! And too early for this sort of suffering in a relationship. Where is my honeymoon phase dammit!

To borrow another poster’s phrase from earlier, my instincts are screaming “HEADFUCK!!!”. Not the kind of way anyone wants to be fucked, I’m sure.

And I suppose, if you are to be headfucked properly, who better to do it than an eminent “intellectual”?

😄

😂

Sounds like decision made!

Nobody should have to miss out on their honeymoon phase...wheres the fun here?!

OP, it's on her to collect her stuff, and she may not care to. After a while, if she hasn't been in touch, give her a final week's notice before you chuck it all out.

She's still living rent-free in your head at the moment. Change your focus. How about reading a good book...Crime and Punishment surely fits? 😏

I'm a lesbian and I have struggled with dating. Not that I'll only date intellectuals, but a lot of dates I've been on they've been so far the opposite end of the scale that I really knew we'd not have anything in common or any chemistry or any mutual understanding of life. I am missing your point, I know.

I'd never say that to a partner. If you're not what she wants, she shouldn't be with you and certainly shouldn't try to put you down. For what It's worth you type very eloquently!

It's not a very 'intellectual' thing to be, shallow, condescending, pretentious. Very classless, too.

Sounds insecure and insufferable. She wasn’t your ‘partner’ luckily, so move on…