It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

She was also in no position to judge op ax "intellectual" or not. There are lots of types of intellect, and people have lots of different interests.

The last partner was “incredibly lazy” apparently and could have achieved more (she had already achieved impressively).

Oh she's just a joy sucking, fun sponge, hyper critical, negging pain in the arse.

@TheRightDecisions well done for breaking up with her. I think it's all been said & I don't need to repeat it.

Dont take on board her absolute bullshit. She's lacks emotional intelligence or is nasty. Don't trouble yourself which. It's unimportant. Just work on accepting she's not who you thought she was & let it go. Move on & don't waste your time dwelling on it.

take care of yourself xx

I would just be glad you have the boundaries to escape this poisonous creature.

She sounds quite entrenched, she's not going to make anyone happy.

Bet her main achievement in life has been leeching off those accomplished, wealthy individuals, the contacts they provided and in manipulating others to give her whatever she wants - probably very adept at making others feel like they're kicking a puppy if they try to set normal boundaries and then after overstepping them because she's got herself too comfortable in how desperately hopeless her 'intellectual' partners have been in her eyes, they've been on the receiving end of raging, howling, shrieking and violence, wondering 'what on earth just happened? What did I do?'.

All her exes have decided that this is too much crazy/abuse and run for the hills. They've seen quite clearly they could do better/deserve better and gone ahead and done just that. As have you.

Which makes you just as smart as them and far, far smarter than this malevolent little twat.

Well I tell you what, I would not be very surprised if you found this person circling back to see if you would like to play one of her narcissistic games of "I'm the best" again.

She's done this with everyone she's ever dated. Repeatedly.

Run away.

It sounds like you are very well rid!

I’m so sorry you went through this, too.

Really encouraging that you not only got through it but found love. Congratulations! So happy for you.

Well done for not getting stuck in that first relationship, which would have prevented you from finding you current happiness.

If it walks like a duck and runs its beak like a duck…

If it walks like a duck and runs its beak like a duck…

...you hoy it straight back into the muddy pond from whence it came so it can harass others for their sandwiches.

Why is it pretentious though? If debating, discussing, hypothesising, challenging analysing etc are things she enjoys, then she would probably be best suited to an 'intectual'. If she has 5 dogs shexwould be best looking for an animal lover.
I've dated people before and I might ask their thoughts on the democratic system or synesthesia. If they're not interested or able to engage it would put me off. Likewise if someone asked me if I preferred Love Island or Traitor I wouldn't be interested.

Were you dating Aidran Mole?

The only people who say they want to date "intellectuals" ime are pretentious philosophy students and incels.

I think her friend has seen her have relationships in the past with "intellectuals" and has basically told her friend to get over herself as non of these relationships have worked.

I wouldn't see yourself as being a compromise, women are notoriously bad for stating what they "want" in a relationship (some box tick exercise) rather than focusing on what they actually need in a relationship. You are what she needs.

@JudgeRudy

Why is it pretentious though? If debating, discussing, hypothesising, challenging analysing etc are things she enjoys, then she would probably be best suited to an 'intectual'. If she has 5 dogs shexwould be best looking for an animal lover.

Where to start:

a) Many people discuss, hypothesise, challenge and analyse without styling themselves as an "intellectual". Ring-fencing these activities as the preserve of "intellectuals" suggests that only a tiny percentage of people have the capacity to do this which is absurd.
b) Saying you "only" date one small sub-set of people is an incredibly blunt instrument and ignores the fluid nature of these things. If you said you "only" dated people who do sports or you "only" date attractive people you would rightly be pilloried for putting in absurdly rigid boxes.
c) Human relationships don't follow rules like this. Yes some similarity of outlook is important but it's not a check-box approach of finding someone who likes exactly the same things as you. There are other much less tangible elements of human attraction (including sex, emotional compatibility and lifestyle and value compatibility) which are at least as important as whether you have identical interests. Anyone who is that dogmatic about what they need from a relationship probably doesn't have the emotional intelligence to sustain one.
d) It just sounds incredibly arrogant and snobbish to call yourself an "intellectual". I don't know what the formal definition of an intellectual is but it almost certainly relies on someone making a living from their intellect. I would bet good money that this woman doesn't.

She "needs" a punch bag so ..... No.

To give her her dues, there is no doubt she is an intellectual, she earns her living this way, she is also internationally recognised as an expert in her field.

And to be fair, she didn’t directly refer to herself as an intellectual, but she did say it was “extremely important” to her that she date “intellectuals”, because she was used to rubbing shoulders with artists and academics, and they could all converse on the same subjects. What these were were only given as an example yesterday… Dostoevsky. I didn’t realise this particular writer was some sort of special singular entry card into elevated circles beyond my reckoning or imagination. Maybe I should read Crime and punishment to see what the fuss is about? 🤓

She is genuinely the real deal, which makes her general insecurity all the more baffling.

She has said she is not insecure about her work, but has struggled with the physical stuff.

We can’t all be the be all and end all of everything, we excel in some areas and not in others, that’s to be expected.

I think she’s a perfectionist as far as something relates to her and is very hard on herself.

Perfectionism can be a disease.

it was “extremely important” to her that she date “intellectuals”, because she was used to rubbing shoulders with artists and academics, and they could all converse on the same subjects.

Well all those relationships ended.

Probably due to the behaviours she has mentioned and you have seen.

And now this one with someone whom she has categorised as not an intellectual (which is not actually correct) has too.

So maybe she needs some real soul searching and honesty and responsibility taking. She seems unlikely to do so though.

Then trashed a potentially lovely relationship by being a dick. Oy, the lesbian drama is big in this one.

Anyway, if it was extremely important to her to date only intellectuals and she doesn't consider you one because you haven't read one particular author .... Why did she get involved with you? Only to insult you with her verbal diarrhea.

She needs to be true to herself 🙄

She reminds me of men who get together with a woman who doesn't check every single box, makes his life with her, and then picks and negs and mentions her weight, boobs, whatever. Usually when she's heavily invested.

Mate, you couldn't get everything you wanted cause those women wouldnt entertain you (or you couldn't keep them even if they did). You're not all that yourself.

She sounds shallow, both a out looks and about intellect (ironically). She wants someone she's attracted to who she considered a true intellectual; but she can't get them, or if she dods, she fucks it up.

*if she does

From her forewarning op about the throwing objects and shouting, I suspect it was not a potentially lovely relationship.

I think she said that so if she did it and op reacted naturally, badly; she could say "but I warned you I have a temper and I lose it sometimes and blah blah blah".

If she was a man, we'd be calling her an abuser.

I know this isn’t the point but honestly you sound a lot more intelligent than her. There are fields where being manipulative and self promoting go a lot further than actual cleverness and originality. And it’s often more of a class thing than an innate ability thing what path people take. My previous partners have all been multiple degree oxbridgey types, my current partner didn’t finish school. He’s not any less intelligent than the overachievers even if he’s less likely to have read Dostoyevsky. I can’t imagine for a second telling him that I was dating down and if I said something that came out that way I’d be mortified and apologetic not defensive and angry. Your ex (well done) sounds like she’s not really that secure about her intelligence as well as about her looks if she feels the need to ring fence and police the in group and go on about which books give you a pass into it.