It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I don’t know why you text her, you should have just posted her belongings. You still think you are in control here but you aren’t OP. Block her on everything, send her things in the post and forget about her, you are only setting yourself up for more pain.

A sad truth.

I was blinded by seemingly very right things at the beginning, like her intellect.

Do you mean to say that you think she is in control of me? How can she be when I’ve just broken up with her and have already boxed up her things.

Because you are still sending her nice messages and trying to keep the lines of communication open when you have split up. You are still trying to work her out. She is living rent free in your head. And when she decides to pick you up again by texting you randomly in a week or two you’ll text her back then too.

No you shouldn't text her. Leave each alone. She was crass and arrogant but I'm not so sure you know well enough to leave it alone. I doubt this woman is a great mind, she sounds miserable; and you sound a little too engaged on it all.

I don’t understand what the problem is with being friends?

I know her well enough to know she can manage that. She treats her friends beautifully, a couple of them are exs. It’s relationships that trigger her.

These situations aren’t always a one size fits all.

Still, I’m not a great fan of her texts and will certainly not be contacting her!

In fact, I’m relieved she hasn’t elongated this whole process by throwing a wobbly about returning her things to her. I’m enjoying some peace and quiet.

She was originally supposed to be coming over this evening.
So tonight I’ve just cleaned my place top to bottom like a very important person was about to visit, and she was, that important person was me… I gave all the love, respect, attention, and fussing she would have gotten from me tonight, to myself. Presented myself with a lovely dinner, and prepared some fresh bedsheets for myself. And it’s been utter quiet, peaceful bliss.

I’m not in the foetal position over her. The strength that allowed me to end it is not going away soon, and she won’t be allowed back into my life as a partner, but I would miss my friend and would have been happy to keep that, in time, not in the next few days obviously.

@TheRightDecisions no they aren’t one size fits all. But you are v invested in being friends with someone you’ve only known as a partner for a short period of time. No one said you were a wreck. You’ve done the right thing by ending it and in fairness myself and others here are just trying to give you the benefit of our experience with similar people. You’ve no idea what the exes are like and you’ve no idea whether or not they are being strung along either. You’ve also no idea what with this would look like two months down the line and I’m sure there are plenty of people here who will agree they thought like you they could handle this kind of person…let’s hope you don’t experience the negative results many of them will have.

Lots of very valid points, thank you.

You’re very right that I couldn’t possibly know who she is… if I did, I wouldn’t have been blindsided by what she did.

In any case, she has made moving on easier with her last reaction.
She’s obviously very angry with me for rejecting her, never mind my feelings or what she did. It says a lot.

It’s rarely easy to end a relationship. Good luck but I am begging you block her or I sincerely doubt this will be the end of the drama

‘I don’t understand what the problem is with being friends?’

classic lesbian thing to do! Sometimes it just doesn’t suit… leave her be. She’s not interested!
at least give it some time

You did the right thing - absolutely

You will find someone who will admire 100% of you rather then comparing you to exes or an ideal in their heads

She was using you as a place holder until an intelectual came along - seems very immature

You're very keen to remain friends with someone who is clearly angry with you and prone to gaslighting etc. With this sort of person, that's like giving them an open invitation to be the worst sort of friend.

You'd do far better to try not to think about her, focus elsewhere and have some space for a bit. The current situation has to subside before anything else (if wanted) can replace it.

mates of mine have tried to remain 'friends' after a break up years ago, F knows why because they're horrible to each other and argue like a couple getting divorced!
A prime example of why it doesn't always work

I have my own traumas, growing up, I was used to my mother being angry with me and ignoring me (I was an unwanted/resented child especially in the early days and teens when she married).

So, having thought about it, I guess I’m no longer particularly perturbed or surprised by someone being angry and ignoring me. I believe my mother was bordering on covert narcissism, she was always much kinder to everyone than she was to me.

Anyways, I thought I discarded the vast majority of this baggage, but I suppose it creeps up on me in times of stress when I might be more emotion and less self analysis and editing.

There’s no need to extend olive branches to people who are throwing their toys out of the pram. It is enough that I am taking time out of my day packing up her goods and going to the post office and shipping them at my own expense (she offered but I didn’t want to be petty), after the way I feel following the treatment she dispensed.

I have had a LOT of flings, dates, relationships with women. I haven't remained friends with any of them. I don't really enjoy friendships with most women - there are weird undercurrents that I cannot understand. Oddly indirect methods of communication which require much reading between the lines. Heterosexual friends that flirt when drunk, lesbians who have all sorts of weird baggage (myself included)...

I just burn bridges mostly, which I am not especially proud of, but I have learnt better behaviour as I have got older.

Anyway, you cannot force friendship. Time will tell whether a friendship with her would be possible, but my advice is steer clear. I doubt the dynamic she was setting up about her settling for you would disappear in a friendship.

I had a similar mother, things like this is where that can really trip you up. You should be proud of yourself, you spotted something was wrong and said not for me thank you

It’s been a week, and the hurt is catching up with me. Or it could be massively compounded by a rather huge life stressor I’m going through.

Giving a narrative to this is helping me find closure.

They you see people’s true colours at the point of break up. I’m assuming she will have received her package by now. Not so much as a thank you. Although she did end her last texts with “I don’t want to be in contact”, and “Don’t reply”. A little bit immature I thought.

Pain apparently can be dealt with by giving it a narrative, a beginning, a middle and an end. I’m trying to work through this to find closure. It’s been mostly good days with this, but other days when I have other stresses going on have been more stressful. I have rather big stuff going on at the moment, I must admit.

Woukd appreciate and words of comfort or wisdom from others who understand or have been through similar.

It’s funny you should mention the weird undercurrents, I’ve occasionally felt them but didn’t think much about it or try to understand what it was…

Would you say it’s similar to undercurrents that would happen between a straight woman and man who were friends?

I would think it’s different, maybe competitiveness or envy… because two women are far more similar than a man and a woman, and so the similarities my cause a vying for position?

The difficulty I’ve had is a friend trying to hit on you occasionally. This happened last night, I wasn’t feeling very well, and I friend insisted she wanted to bring over some dinner to cheer me up because she knew I hadn’t been eating very well lately.

Well, as was washing my hands at the sink, I felt her arms come around me in a hug, and she kissed my back. Hugs can be friendly, but I don’t know about the kiss. I just felt too worn out and tired, so I ignored it. It made me sad for some reason, is my friendship of not any value and she also wants sex? I don’t know.

This friend knows all I want is friendship, and I have made it very very clear in the past, I thought everything was understood.

MY relationship with my recent ex began as friendship, then she suggested we could sleep together casually. I told her that wasn’t really my thing at all. The. When she found out I was starting to date someone else, she said she now felt ready for a relationship with me.

Now in hindsight, after all that has happened, I do wonder did she begin the relationship just to ensure the sex? So awful to think about.

I have received a text!

Wishing me luck with the life stressor today, and ending with “Tske care.”

Why contact me if she wants no contact?

“I don’t want to be in contact”, and “Don’t reply”. A little bit immature I thought'

It's completely normal to break up with someone and NOT want to remain friends or have contact.
She's given you this message loud and clear. Delete and block her number and move on!

That's great. That's the decent thing to do. She's risen above her personal grievances/issues to send it.
Good.
Thank her, and at least you know she isn't nursing a grudge so massive she can't see past it.

She didn't want to be the bitch who ignored the big thing and so sent you a text. Your correct next step is to send 'Thanks x' or similar. If she responds to THAT message then she is messing with you a bit (I.e. being inconsistent).

She's read this thread because she knew she might find something from you on here?

And, yet again, she's jealous because somebody else has shown interest in you like you're a toy another a child was playing with?

Would you say it’s similar to undercurrents that would happen between a straight woman and man who were friends?

I think it is, yes. A sort of flirty or prurient quality around sex. I don't know about envy, though I think some of my straight female friends have been a bit envious of my sex life, at times. smug lesbian grin

Was the friend who kissed your back straight or lesbian? If straight, I am afraid I have had that sort of thing a fair few times. Often right in front of my partner. 😬

I think your ex's text messaging is muddled, but I think you need to be clear (you seem clear). Then the muddle they're in can be looked at objectively and ignored or side-stepped. So long as you don't burn bridges, after a gap it may be that the two of you can be friends. But personally, I'm not sure I want to be friends with someone who has been mean to me.

It is a good thing. There’s no need for animosity.

I read it as a way to keep the door ajar, as an amendment to the “no contact”.

When I’ve wanted and stated “no contact” to someone in the past, the last thing I would do is message that person a week later - to avoid confusing the poor soul!

I’m not confused, I do though suspect is a way to crack the door open and an invitation for me to communicate in a similar way if I find it necessary.
It’s a nice gesture and I have not disliked it, it did cheer me up, and it’s good to know she had not been overwhelmed by looking at this in a negative way. It took some spirit I would imagine.

Although, now I’ve written that, it did remind me of a last rift we had, where in the aftermath, she contacted me in a similar way, although this message is not as warm/welcoming as that one, but I suppose she hadn’t been left herself with much wiggle room. Although we all have our choices and can switch trajectories at will.

I know an acquaintanceship / friendship wouldn’t hurt us. Perhaps after a shortish bit of time has elapsed. However long it takes for things to settle down. Obviously wouldn’t be diving into the deep end from the get go.

Part of the main problem may have been that we moved too fast in the first place, but there were some external pressures at play and I wouldn’t hold us entirely responsible.

The night before last, I had a dream, and in the dream, someone was talking to me, saying: “Look, if it will help you feel better, and you wanted to know whether she did ‘like’ you, she did.” We never spoke about love, it felt too soon, we were still getting to know each other. And not under ideal circumstances / times.

The dream helped me wake up with a smile, it was lovely, but dreams are dreams.