It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I did say thank you and wished her well with her own stuff. No response (although it wasn’t phrased to require a response).

With the life stressor, there is something she offered to do in the past that would help a great deal. I can ask my friends this thing, but I’d rather not, for various reasons.

It’s something I can go without if I must, but would make my life a world easier.

What are all of your thoughts on this, to do or don’t, if and when?

Also, it’s a favour that I can and would be happy to repay.

I've had this, a (male) ex told me not to reply. He was a narcissist and it was all about control.

I think he was pissed off when I didn't reply, because he was back in contact a year later.

A narcissist will always, always resent losing a source of narcissistic supply.

A year is a very long time to wait and still expect you to be interested! That really is egotistical. Life goes on, hopefully!

What did you reply, if anything. After a whole year, I assumed you had moved on and completely healed?

I wouldn't be seeking favours from her if I could at all avoid it in your shoes. It would put a weird spin on the dynamic which you don't need.

Go without whatever it is. Honestly, your life will be much simpler.

Sorry OP, your posts are frustrating me a little and I have just worked out why. You're being very reasonable and 'let's be friends' and rational, and acting like your ex is a similarly rational person. She isn't. That's obvious from space, and not because you've been unkind about her or anything. Your deliberately objective and trying-to-be-fair posts have painted her in the best possible light but she still comes across as a bit of a dick. Why on earth therefore would you WANT to stay in touch with this person? It seems like a really poor decision.

Also, if you do maintain contact, then expect other friends to find it a bit of a strange and irritating decision and react accordingly (much as I get annoyed at my children, whom I love, deliberately setting themselves up to get hurt in the playground). It is upsetting to see someone you like making seemingly silly choices.

Again, sorry for the frustration but it does seem like you're dwelling on her a lot and need to get out of your head and focused on someone/something else. It would do you the world of personal good I think.

What a condescending thing to say!

She doesn't sound very clever.

It would be a one off.

She accused me of being condescending when I felt her getting riled up and suggested we make the end as easy as pleasant as possible for ourselves. She said sometimes she had no idea what I was talking about. I suggested that with the right mindset, it was absolutely possible to approach everything that way. That’s when I was condescending apparently.

I got the sense she would have liked it better if I were less sensible / reasonable. She would respect that more perhaps.

I don’t want to be with someone who respects aggression more than communicating in a civilised way.

It’s a different sort of cleverness needed for her work perhaps, sometimes philosophising at length on abstract topics.

Oh yes. The industry term is "bullshitting".

It’s undoubtedly and unmistakably dick-ish behaviour, verging on the cruel and emotionally abusive. Put downs are a horrible practice, particularly in a relationship. Hostile and nasty.

That’s why I have left the relationship and stayed out!

She didn’t put me down when we were friends.

And I don’t put any store in her put down, not then, and not now. I may not be an internationally recognised expert on any topic, but I’m certainly not intellectually deficient. No one has ever suggested that before, which makes it an even more baffling and horrible thing to have said. Classic negging!

I don’t expect my friends to be perfect, because I’m not perfect. As long as behaviour like that or anything like it is never directed at me again. I’m certain it’s a thing for partners, not friends.
She also saw a part of me that is never in view of friends, although not an abusive part!

I'm glad you're out of the relationship OP - please just bear in mind that your attempt to stay friends may be interpreted as mixed messages/a wish to be something more again in future. Steering clear may just be simpler.

I realise that may be the danger.

I’m going to ask my other good friend for this one off help, I’m sure she would be happy to do it.

We’re on a similar wavelength, speaking of focusing on other things, I’ve just been signing up to a new club. And I’ll spend the next days planning a long weekend away with my friend to her home country which is beautiful!
Some sightseeing and dancing should blow some these cobwebs away. Exploring new cultures always makes me ecstatic, and come back a slightly different, better person, having learned a few new things and ways of being.

The fact that you are even thinking of asking her for a favour means you are still caught in the web. Stop communicating with her is your only answer.

What has she got that you need and can't get from someone else?

A higher level of intelligence and compassion than I’d had before, I thought.

Is it possible to have compassion AND a lower level of emotional intelligence…

She kept calling me “innocent”, when I asked her in what sense she was using that, she said I was honest and direct, a diamond in the rough. That was one of her flying fleeting visits. I was left uncomfortable but couldn’t put my finger on the why.

With this I need to be with an intellectual palaver, now I think she thought there were certain things I didn’t understand or was naive of… and she may be right. I felt positive and expected good, but when I saw patterns I didn’t like, I enforced my boundaries and retreated.

In your collective experience, what has someone usually meant when they have referred to someone as “innocent”?

Being positive and expecting the good of someone should be dealt out more cautiously, only to the right person. Although I was in a vulnerable place with my life stressor and that will have had an impact on my decision making. Still, I still had my eyes open, I hadn’t checked out. Unfortunately, I saw too much.

I meant, what's this favour you need that onky she can provide?

I don't think she sounds very clever.

She is trying to undermine and devalue your sense of your own capacity and ability. ‘Innocent’ here is a byword for childish, naive, needing to be told things by her because you don’t know anything. And because you are under pressure and because you had a negative childhood, you’ve bought it. Simply, she is comfortable to you because you’ve been told before you were less intelligent, less knowing, less everything. You don’t need anything from her and she cannot give you anything you need.

Well why I am not surprised she texted you.

Her cod intellectualism is a nice little seductive technique which you like and find engaging. She's going to play that one note samba as long as you let her.

Being frank, you are not putting your brain in play here because she's a woman. But as a woman who bats for both teams I am telling you that this is a good technique for trying to get into your pants.

Sorry, you should be much more skeptical of her.

It's just negging. Bog standard male pick up artistry, or the start of coercive control if you prefer that terminology. All designed to make you the slightly dim but oh, so sweet child to her worldly wisdom and controlling ways.

An abuser in a posh suit or frock is still an abuser, irrespective of the particular sexuality they possess and whether or not they were once the charming little savage to older, more 'refined and intellectual' partners.

Not only will you have to deal with confusing shit from her for years if you don't cut off right now, she'll be using you as a way of getting one up on future targets 'well, I do usually find myself attracted to looks, but for you, it's your mind, so I didn't think you were my type at all, but my friend said I should give the homely one a chance' or making herself sound sooooo cool around her wanky mates 'oh yes, that one. Wasn't she such an adorable little savage? Ah (sigh), simply delicious, so refreshingly ordinary - but it was impossible to actually have a conversation with her, though.'

This.

Thank your lucky stars you've not wasted more time on her. You'll find the right person, don't worry, but not if you stick with the wrong one.

Suzi89
Is she really an “intellectual” though? What does she do? My guess is she doesn’t m have a Medicine/Economics/Physics degree.

Why limit intellectualism to so few fields? The most intellectual people I've known were generally musicians, but yeah, scientists and a few medics too, but surprise yourself, intellectualism really isn't confined to a few professions as you imply, and can be found in all sorts of places.

That’s a very interesting perspective, thank you.

I thought too well of her to believe her thinking and motivations may be as simple as a man’s… but, an insecure person just wanting casual sex and using negging and other rudimentary mind-games is just so… disappointing.

I had imagined more substance and rather than smoke and mirrors.

Does the sex actually have any real value if it was gained by such means. Nothing very sexy about that at all.

So what’s up with the charade of a relationship if it was about sex… to secure the sex longer term? That really does sound very male!