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Original poster

It’s important for me to date intellectuals

379 replies

TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 20:42

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

OP posts:
Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 09:37

There are soooo many great women out there, one of the things I’be always loved about being gay is how easy it is to connect with women, and pull Without all the sexual politics that straight men and women seem to have to put up with.
Plenty more, less judgy, fish in the sea!

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/01/2023 09:40

Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 09:37

There are soooo many great women out there, one of the things I’be always loved about being gay is how easy it is to connect with women, and pull Without all the sexual politics that straight men and women seem to have to put up with.
Plenty more, less judgy, fish in the sea!

I have found the opposite! Last time I was dating I found absolutely nothing. And I've no problem with 'Putting myself out there' or dating sites, speed-dating, clubs/event/groups-honestly don't know what else I could have tried over a number of years.

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 09:48

clutchingatpearls · 17/01/2023 09:32

OP, it's on her to collect her stuff, and she may not care to. After a while, if she hasn't been in touch, give her a final week's notice before you chuck it all out.

She's still living rent-free in your head at the moment. Change your focus. How about reading a good book...Crime and Punishment surely fits? 😏

She has some difficulties and lacks a filter, but she’s not a bad person.

I would like to treat her well in this, even if I do feel hurt. I would prefer a nice closure. It’s easily enough done.

Having her stuff here though is tough for some reason, it feels like something undone, it’s bothering me, and a couple of the items I think she uses very frequently and likes a lot and would rather have back then have to replace.

I think the symbolic act of removing her things sooner rather than later, would help me move on. I don’t like things left hanging.

OP posts:
clutchingatpearls · 17/01/2023 09:51

I know what you mean, @TheRightDecisions , it's happened to me, but I just put their things out of sight and gradually forgot they were there. Then, later, took pleasure in throwing them away.

As for lesbian dating, I've done a lot of it, and have experienced a mixed bag of toxic and pleasant. I'm relieved to be partnered-up now, and able to put those days behind me.

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 09:51

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/01/2023 09:33

I'm a lesbian and I have struggled with dating. Not that I'll only date intellectuals, but a lot of dates I've been on they've been so far the opposite end of the scale that I really knew we'd not have anything in common or any chemistry or any mutual understanding of life. I am missing your point, I know.

I'd never say that to a partner. If you're not what she wants, she shouldn't be with you and certainly shouldn't try to put you down. For what It's worth you type very eloquently!

It's not a very 'intellectual' thing to be, shallow, condescending, pretentious. Very classless, too.

Would love to hear more about your dating encounters… what were the differences you found so alien to you?

I think a lot of it can be generational… I’m not really down with the new programmes at all… I don’t even know what the new programmes are! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 09:58

Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 09:37

There are soooo many great women out there, one of the things I’be always loved about being gay is how easy it is to connect with women, and pull Without all the sexual politics that straight men and women seem to have to put up with.
Plenty more, less judgy, fish in the sea!

Couldn’t agree more!

I like the flexibility and freedom of no set roles - ain’t nobody got time for that!

I also like the empathy and emotional depth of women.
(Some women, as it turns out)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 10:07

clutchingatpearls · 17/01/2023 09:51

I know what you mean, @TheRightDecisions , it's happened to me, but I just put their things out of sight and gradually forgot they were there. Then, later, took pleasure in throwing them away.

As for lesbian dating, I've done a lot of it, and have experienced a mixed bag of toxic and pleasant. I'm relieved to be partnered-up now, and able to put those days behind me.

I just love your handle, btw! 😄

I’m very pleased to hear you’re happily situated and not out here in this mess!

This relationship seems to have ended before it had even properly begun!

My dating life seems to have sped up, I end things more quickly because my bullshit tolerance is failing year upon year. I do trust my instincts and have stopped doubting and second guessing myself as I used to when younger.

To be honest, I could have ended this the first night I stayed over, because she did some very minor but definite gaslighting that night. I did see it as insecurity and that it was harmless and felt bad for her and thought she’ll feel more comfortable and secure once we are used to each other.

I think I’ll keep my zero tolerance for gaslighting and end things the first night in future if necessary. I don’t care if it seems like jumping the gun or not giving someone a chance. Gaslighting is a morally corrupt and cowardly thing to do.

OP posts:
Patienceisntvirtous · 17/01/2023 10:15

TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 09:51

Would love to hear more about your dating encounters… what were the differences you found so alien to you?

I think a lot of it can be generational… I’m not really down with the new programmes at all… I don’t even know what the new programmes are! 😂

Show quote history

I'll list some things I've encountered while dating, can of course give more details if you like!

A woman who lived with her parents in her 40s, spent all her wage on clothes and other fripperies, not an issue if all else was okay but I just couldn't talk to her. She'd never heard of anything. I can honestly be daft as a brush and want nothing more than to drink wine and watch comedy some evenings, I am not a 'serious serious' type but I was talking about the developments in feminism one night and FGM came up-she'd never heard of it. I explained and it came up again some months later and again, never heard of it apparently. Knew nothing of the history of where she's from which is so rich in it, I was fascinated but she knew nothing other than which is the quickest way to her friend's houses and things such as that. Didn't 'think' at all and had no interest in it, or in anything other than clothes and cars and where her next pint was coming from, but equally was incapable of saving money. I did like her, she was kind and could be loving but this switched off once I said I wanted more in bed than a quick fumble and that it takes more than that to turn me on. She didn't know what to do and stopped touching me altogether. I hope I don't sound like a bitch, I just became so miserable and felt so worthless and she didn't seem interested in me (or anything) at all.

Another one-a prolific liar. She'd been in Afghanistan, she'd been a paramedic, she'd written an article on lesbian politics that had been published everywhere.. None of it was true. I once sat up with her all night while fireworks 'triggered' her. The thing was she was extremely overweight, I'd say about 25st at 5'2 and had a problem with her joints to the point she couldn't walk very far without pain-those things wouldn't have put me off! I'm not a body fascist or shallow, but lying did. She was also a real 'love bomber' wanted to marry me after a couple of weeks and showered me with expensive wine and gifts.
She lived with her grandfather and volunteered for a 'St Johns' ambulance kind of place-FINE! But don't pretend to be something you're not.

Another one, second date told me she'd done life in Prison for manslaughter-this was true, she showed me the reports. I ended things with her, no hard feelings and not because of that but because she seemed so emotionally unstable. Sure enough, got sent photos of slashed arms and blood and asking me to call her an ambulance-of course I have sympathy for that but I just don't think I could cope with that.

If you were to look on 'POF' or any of the dating sites (and yes I've been on the ones you pay for too) you'll probably see what I mean.

I found out one woman was an ex heroin addict and still using drugs while we were together. She'd also had her children removed from her and was an ex burglar. All of this not known to me.

Another who had such a bad temper I was afraid of her. Never toward me but she'd bang things about, throw huge strops if I couldn't' spend time with her, got jealous if I ever spoke to a friend rather than her, threatened to slash her neck with a knife because I got in from running, said I'd call her once changed and decided to have a bath first...

This is not exhaustive, It's far from it, just I'm working and don't have much time currently! Generational? Which generation? I'm in my forties and so were all these women apart from one in her mid thirties.

happinessischocolate · 17/01/2023 11:31

I think the symbolic act of removing her things sooner rather than later, would help me move on. I don’t like things left hanging.

Some people deliberately leave stuff so they can use it as an excuse to meet up when things have calmed down.

If the stuff is bothering you either find a way of contacting her or just put it in a bag, take it round and leave it on her doorstep.

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 11:34

Patienceisntvirtous · 17/01/2023 10:15

I'll list some things I've encountered while dating, can of course give more details if you like!

A woman who lived with her parents in her 40s, spent all her wage on clothes and other fripperies, not an issue if all else was okay but I just couldn't talk to her. She'd never heard of anything. I can honestly be daft as a brush and want nothing more than to drink wine and watch comedy some evenings, I am not a 'serious serious' type but I was talking about the developments in feminism one night and FGM came up-she'd never heard of it. I explained and it came up again some months later and again, never heard of it apparently. Knew nothing of the history of where she's from which is so rich in it, I was fascinated but she knew nothing other than which is the quickest way to her friend's houses and things such as that. Didn't 'think' at all and had no interest in it, or in anything other than clothes and cars and where her next pint was coming from, but equally was incapable of saving money. I did like her, she was kind and could be loving but this switched off once I said I wanted more in bed than a quick fumble and that it takes more than that to turn me on. She didn't know what to do and stopped touching me altogether. I hope I don't sound like a bitch, I just became so miserable and felt so worthless and she didn't seem interested in me (or anything) at all.

Another one-a prolific liar. She'd been in Afghanistan, she'd been a paramedic, she'd written an article on lesbian politics that had been published everywhere.. None of it was true. I once sat up with her all night while fireworks 'triggered' her. The thing was she was extremely overweight, I'd say about 25st at 5'2 and had a problem with her joints to the point she couldn't walk very far without pain-those things wouldn't have put me off! I'm not a body fascist or shallow, but lying did. She was also a real 'love bomber' wanted to marry me after a couple of weeks and showered me with expensive wine and gifts.
She lived with her grandfather and volunteered for a 'St Johns' ambulance kind of place-FINE! But don't pretend to be something you're not.

Another one, second date told me she'd done life in Prison for manslaughter-this was true, she showed me the reports. I ended things with her, no hard feelings and not because of that but because she seemed so emotionally unstable. Sure enough, got sent photos of slashed arms and blood and asking me to call her an ambulance-of course I have sympathy for that but I just don't think I could cope with that.

If you were to look on 'POF' or any of the dating sites (and yes I've been on the ones you pay for too) you'll probably see what I mean.

I found out one woman was an ex heroin addict and still using drugs while we were together. She'd also had her children removed from her and was an ex burglar. All of this not known to me.

Another who had such a bad temper I was afraid of her. Never toward me but she'd bang things about, throw huge strops if I couldn't' spend time with her, got jealous if I ever spoke to a friend rather than her, threatened to slash her neck with a knife because I got in from running, said I'd call her once changed and decided to have a bath first...

This is not exhaustive, It's far from it, just I'm working and don't have much time currently! Generational? Which generation? I'm in my forties and so were all these women apart from one in her mid thirties.

Show quote history

Dude, you’ve been in the trenches!

You deserve a medal for bravery for going into that and surviving with a coherent enough mind to tell us the tale!

That’s enough to make anyone join a monastery!

There is a lot of trauma in the LGBT community, and unfortunately it leaves behind some luggage. I personally am always pleased to hear when someone tells me they’ve had some therapy… then there might be some insight and the language to discuss it. Former partner would not dream of seeing a therapist, self reflection wasn’t a big deal I think, which explains some of the breathtaking clangers.

OP posts:
Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/01/2023 11:54

TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 11:34

Dude, you’ve been in the trenches!

You deserve a medal for bravery for going into that and surviving with a coherent enough mind to tell us the tale!

That’s enough to make anyone join a monastery!

There is a lot of trauma in the LGBT community, and unfortunately it leaves behind some luggage. I personally am always pleased to hear when someone tells me they’ve had some therapy… then there might be some insight and the language to discuss it. Former partner would not dream of seeing a therapist, self reflection wasn’t a big deal I think, which explains some of the breathtaking clangers.

Show quote history

Grin I am assuming you're exaggerating but honestly sometimes I do wonder how I am still sane.

I was explaining this to people recently-a lot of lesbians (and others) are unstable and for very good reasons, most of them having suffered trauma of some sort. The first one I speak of assured me she'd get therapy but it never materialised and eventually she admitted she had no intention of doing so. She couldn't bear the thought of speaking to someone about the way she was. :( I think if she was, we'd have probably worked. There just isn't many out there for me so I've resigned myself to 'settling' or being alone forever. Neither are attractive options, I miss having a connection with someone and I REALLY miss sex

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 12:12

Please don’t settle, you’ve just seen what it does to those at the other end of it. It’s not good for either party. You have to keep hope alive.

I’d honestly rather be alone then be subjected to the treatment I’ve just had on a regular basis. Mortification has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

I shall look forward to dating now.

OP posts:
Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 12:17

@TheRightDecisions I've been with DW 20 years and adore her, but am a little jealous at all the fun you're going to have!

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 12:43

Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 12:17

@TheRightDecisions I've been with DW 20 years and adore her, but am a little jealous at all the fun you're going to have!

Tell me the secret to a long relationship? I can’t figure it out.

Everything comes with pros and cons… as a syndical man once said “married and bored, or single and lonely.”

I haven’t reached that stage of cynicism, but I can see how it can happen.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/01/2023 12:47

I'm 20 years into a good relationship. Not bored.
I'm understood, we have quite different strengths and I admire and value him and that is reciprocated.
He's not perfect and neither am I but we're both respectful and willing to listen when we make mistakes. Never let things fester, good communication.
It can't be boring cos we're too busy living life together and looking forward to the future while enjoying each others company.

opencheese · 17/01/2023 13:09

I wouldn't relay to a partner the misgivings i initially had about them. No. That's insensitive. She should have kept those thoughts to herseld

clutchingatpearls · 17/01/2023 13:46

I end things more quickly because my bullshit tolerance is failing year upon year. I do trust my instincts and have stopped doubting and second guessing myself as I used to when younger.

To be honest, if this is how you are you will be fine. Very good boundaries, self awareness and interest in personal growth is what I want in a partner, and you have all of those!💪

Dangermouse2 · 17/01/2023 14:13

clutchingatpearls · 17/01/2023 13:46

I end things more quickly because my bullshit tolerance is failing year upon year. I do trust my instincts and have stopped doubting and second guessing myself as I used to when younger.

To be honest, if this is how you are you will be fine. Very good boundaries, self awareness and interest in personal growth is what I want in a partner, and you have all of those!💪

Well said!

I'm loving the updates from @TheRightDecisions

You are absolutely spot on that being in a relationship with an unkind undermining partner is miserable and worse than being on your own. I have lots of happily married / living together friends and am happily single with DCs (divorced)
Dating is fun (if you don't have to worry about batsutters for DCs). You've a lot of fun times ahead as you sound emotionally mature considerate and kind. There's someone better out there for you!!! There's no secret other than what you've already spotted - a mutual respect and interest in each other; being on same team, not trying to win but trying to win against someone but looking for win;wins together for both of you. When you know your person isn't really your person (not in your team) this early in, then it was never going to work or make you happy.

Dangermouse2 · 17/01/2023 14:15

"Batsitters" for DCs?? Babysitters I meant ! Grin at the Freudian slip

Nogbreaks · 17/01/2023 17:12

‘Tell me the secret to a long relationship? I can’t figure it out.’

honestly, I’m not really sure! I don’t know where those 20 years went, Incan remember the first time I set eyes in her like it was yesterday.

Nogbreaks · 17/01/2023 17:13

I will say that although we don’t agree on everything ( far from it!) and are from different countries, we’re from similar
WC backgrounds, and have similar values when it comes to the big things - family, money, religion, politics, morals etc

Nogbreaks · 17/01/2023 17:29

‘I'm 20 years into a good relationship. Not bored.
I'm understood, we have quite different strengths and I admire and value him and that is reciprocated.’

not being bored in a relationship helps!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/01/2023 21:58

True, some people just find long relationships boring no matter how good the relationship.

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 22:12

So, I sent her a perfectly pleasant text message with all the nice greetings and pleasantries, then I remarked that I see she doesn’t want to communicate, but what would she like me to do about her things?

She replied that I should post them. I agreed. She said that I was right and she didn’t want to be in contact. That my change of heart was very abrupt and painful for her. She followed with she hoped I’ll respect her need for quietness now. Finishing with: “Please don’t reply”.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but probably not this.

Thoughts?

My initial thoughts are that she wanted to be just as abrupt as I was, even though I spent all day talking to her and hearing her out the day we broke up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 17/01/2023 22:14

Nogbreaks · 17/01/2023 17:13

I will say that although we don’t agree on everything ( far from it!) and are from different countries, we’re from similar
WC backgrounds, and have similar values when it comes to the big things - family, money, religion, politics, morals etc

Well, that explains it then!

We didn’t really align in the majority of those things.

I think I’ve just found another piece of what I was doing wrong.

OP posts:
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