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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 9 year old home alone

203 replies

greenapplesredpeppers · 15/01/2023 20:29

I went to the gym today around 2pm and left my 9 year old home while I went - as usual. I'm gone for like 40 mins as the gym is local.

While I'm gone, he's in his room on his laptop, watching TV. He has a phone which he FaceTimes me on.

He's knows the deal as to:

Not open the door
Not touch cooker etc
Go to neighbours house in emergency
Call me if you need anything.

He spoke to his dad on the phone while I was at out and DS told him I was at the gym. His dad hates me, and reported me to the police who came and asked my questions and said it's against the law to do that but they are happy DS is happy and cared for. They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle/

I have checked the law around this before on the GOV & NSPCC websites and checked MM - there is no age limit. It's down to the parent to decide. Personally, I feel DS feel is mature enough for short periods as he doesn't leave his room and FaceTimes me when he wants and most importantly, is comfortable with it. I understand there can be cases where a fire randomly starts which obviously would be a situation I wouldn't want my son to be in alone.

When they spoke to DS, it also came out that his dad used to leave him home alone when he was five years old, which they will be passing onto social services as well as the fact that I left him alone today.

I obviously won't do this until he is older now, but I wanted to ask MN.

So, have you left your 9 year old home alone? WIBU? What age is right? And aren't police incorrect that it's illegal to leave a kid under 12 alone? They said even to go to the shop, is illegal....

OP posts:
BIahBIahBIah · 22/01/2023 17:43

Gym is necessary if you consider it an investment in your health and wanting to be around longer-term for your kids. When are single parents expected to do such things? An hour is fine, imo, if the kid is responsible, and capable of getting out of the house in case of fire. Also varies if they live in an isolated farmhouse Vs having neighbours all around.

Mine are left home alone for a hour, but are not allowed choking-hazard foods. Cereal fine. Big chunky apples, no. I prefer them just to not eat for the hour I'm out.

Conversely, I don't let mine (even eldest at 12) walk out alone, primarily due to the problematic large bully-breed dogs round here. He's safer at home than walking to school/shops/playground.

Comedycook · 22/01/2023 17:49

Obviously being a single parent means it's harder to do things like the gym...that doesn't mean it's ok or safe to leave a child. As for exercise, you could take your dc swimming with you, go walking together, do an exercise video at home, go to the gym while your DC is at an extra curricular activity/playdate etc.

Liorae · 22/01/2023 18:29

Conversely, I don't let mine (even eldest at 12) walk out alone, primarily due to the problematic large bully-breed dogs round here. He's safer at home than walking to school/shops/playground.
Good lord. This is sad.

SleepyRich · 22/01/2023 19:21

Heartsofstone · 22/01/2023 17:25

A trip to the gym is unnecessary, on this basis I’d say YABU. Short essential trips at 9 years old might be ok depending on child. A gym trip, no .

I'm not sure the reason is really relevant, they're either fine or they're not.

What I mean is if you didn't think it safe to leave them to goto the gym, you probably shouldn't leave them to goto a 'necessary' appointment either.

Personally mine aren't that old yet, but I'd expect them at 9-10 to be fine with being home alone for a short period of time and see how they manage, if they're not happy I wouldn't but at 7yrs currently she's very independent and capable so I suspect she'll be fine with a few more years development.

The NSPCC guide you've read/website obviously clarifies that there's no age limit as there could be no one size fits all. But also that they wouldn't advise leaving an under 12 normally and that parents can always be prosecuted if leaving the child could be seen as harmful.

hellomesquito · 22/01/2023 22:09

I hope this doesn't offend anyone since I'm from the US and not England. I am a child of the 80's, which means that my older sister and I were latch key kids. Meaning, my mom was a single parent often when we were younger, so we would stay home alone after school. My older sister is 4 yrs older than me. By the time she was 9 (so I was 5), she was not only staying at home alone, but also was babysitting me. My sister and I were extremely mature and respectful. We knew where to go if something happened, and what numbers to call (including our mom's) if we needed something. Granted, back then, there were no minimum age laws like there are in some parts of the country. I understand wanting kids to have a childhood and all that, but parents also need to make sure kids are responsible. This is one of the ways to do so. You're gone for up to 50 mins, with driving, to the gym. There is no reason why your child cannot be alone if he's mature, respectful, and especially if he has proven he can handle it. By what you wrote, I hope the custody battle goes your way. Namaste.

AtSomePointInLife · 22/01/2023 22:22

Babyclb · 15/01/2023 20:36

I think being left alone regularly at 9 to do something like the gym is unnecessary and too young.

I think this too.

What if a fire started in another room and he was unable to get out?

He ate something and choked on it?

These are possibilities and it's too late if they happen and your not around.

Something like the gym can wait surely?

Twattergy · 22/01/2023 22:33

I leave my 11 year old for a hour to go to the gym if DH is not around. My bigger fear is being judged by other adults than for what could happen to my child tbh. I wouldn't have been confident to leave him at 9, I just would be less sure of his judgement if something happened (power cut, dog playing up, someone at door). I probably wouldn't have done it where I used to live either (big city) whilst now in a peaceful country setting with lots of families he knows on the street. But I think a sensible 9 year old would be fine for 40 mins and gym is a valid reason to be out of the house IMO.

SammyScrounge · 22/01/2023 22:38

Babyclb · 15/01/2023 20:36

I think being left alone regularly at 9 to do something like the gym is unnecessary and too young.

I agree. Much too young.

Stationsofthecross · 22/01/2023 22:39

For me absolutely not - but if you are ok with it 🤷🏻‍♀️then that’s ok too - isn’t it illegal tho!?

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 22/01/2023 22:40

I think it’s probably a bit young. If there’s any doubt I wouldn’t do it given the legal battle you have. Our gym will allow a child to sit at the side watching an tablet with headphones while parent works out. Are there any gyms like that near you?

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2023 23:03

I think last year of primary is the time to start leaving kids for short periods of time.
No I wouldn't have gone to the gym and left my 9 year old in the house

purpleme12 · 22/01/2023 23:21

Is OP coming back?
Cos I'd actually be really interested to know what SS said about this.
I know 9 year olds who play in the street with friends by themselves (no not right outside their house)
And like OP said, there's no law

MasterCherry · 23/01/2023 00:39

My 9yo knows the rules and can stay in the house by herself for an hour or so. I always ask her if she's happy to be left, and would never leave her if she said no. School allow y5&6 to walk by themselves, so she does, and it's done wonders for her timekeeping in the morning. It's right for her, and that's our decision to make as her parents.

MasterCherry · 23/01/2023 00:48

I also think British society (or maybe English in particular - Scottish posters on these threads often seem to do things a bit differently) is excessively risk averse now, and that's not really helpful to children.

purpleme12 · 23/01/2023 01:05

Is OP coming back?
Cos I'd actually be really interested to know what SS said about this.
I know 9 year olds who play in the street with friends by themselves (no not right outside their house)
And like OP said, there's no law@greenapplesredpeppers

Emmamoo89 · 23/01/2023 01:11

9 is too young.

RaisedOnADietofBrokenBiscuitsOh · 23/01/2023 01:12

The reason there's no age limit is so that it can be decided case by case but I doubt many courts would think 9 was mature enough to be home alone on a regular basis for a significant period.

RaisedOnADietofBrokenBiscuitsOh · 23/01/2023 01:15

purpleme12 · 22/01/2023 23:21

Is OP coming back?
Cos I'd actually be really interested to know what SS said about this.
I know 9 year olds who play in the street with friends by themselves (no not right outside their house)
And like OP said, there's no law

There is a law, it just doesn't give an age. You can be prosecuted for leaving your child in a potentially dangerous situation. Their maturity and ability to cope will vary from child to child and that's why there's no set age as there are mature 12 year olds and incapable 15 year olds. There's also a huge difference between playing outside and being the sole occupant of a house. Outside doesn't burn down very often.

harrassedmumto3 · 23/01/2023 01:16

Mummybearto3bg · 15/01/2023 20:42

9 is too young. My 12 Yr old is mature but I've still only not been in the house once when he arrived home 5 mins before me.

Shock
purpleme12 · 23/01/2023 01:19

RaisedOnADietofBrokenBiscuitsOh · 23/01/2023 01:15

There is a law, it just doesn't give an age. You can be prosecuted for leaving your child in a potentially dangerous situation. Their maturity and ability to cope will vary from child to child and that's why there's no set age as there are mature 12 year olds and incapable 15 year olds. There's also a huge difference between playing outside and being the sole occupant of a house. Outside doesn't burn down very often.

Show quote history

Well no but there are also different risks outside eg cars and not being near home.
Regardless the point of my post still stands

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:01

This level of risk adverse parenting is not helpful for children.

CandlelightGlow · 23/01/2023 13:45

Twattergy · 22/01/2023 22:33

I leave my 11 year old for a hour to go to the gym if DH is not around. My bigger fear is being judged by other adults than for what could happen to my child tbh. I wouldn't have been confident to leave him at 9, I just would be less sure of his judgement if something happened (power cut, dog playing up, someone at door). I probably wouldn't have done it where I used to live either (big city) whilst now in a peaceful country setting with lots of families he knows on the street. But I think a sensible 9 year old would be fine for 40 mins and gym is a valid reason to be out of the house IMO.

11 years old sounds sensible 😊They're starting high school at 11, it makes sense to me that this would be a good age to start giving some responsibility and trust

iminvestednow · 05/02/2023 00:19

It’s so odd, I know where my daughter is at all times (life 360) but I know my parents didn’t at her age. I would never leave my son not for a minute (even though he’s 16) as he doesn’t cope well and has severe SN. Would leave my 13 yo but only if I needed to go out, not just as I need to go to gym. Again, husband works from home so not an issue really.

It’s worth noting that as my son has SN even when getting a taxi back to home from school if there isn’t an adult to receive him SS will be called!!

liveforsummer · 05/02/2023 08:05

It’s worth noting that as my son has SN even when getting a taxi back to home from school if there isn’t an adult to receive him SS will be called!!

Why is that worth noting? There's no connection to OP's situation

vronmedc · 20/02/2023 13:12

My neighbours leave their 9 yr old son alone on a regular basis, usually between 9 an 11 pm on weekdays but sometimes until 2am at the weekends. I am seeing on here that people do leave their kids alone but I am not sure what to do because the parents normally stay up until 1 / 2 am on weekdays and 6am on weekends. They play loud music and game all night. There are also numerous 'deliveries' made throughout the night. I believe its drugs. The parents sleep until 2pm so the child has to amuse himself until they wake up. normally gaming. I have never seen him out in the daytime. What should I do?