To leave my 9 year old home alone

[greenapplesredpeppers]

I went to the gym today around 2pm and left my 9 year old home while I went - as usual. I'm gone for like 40 mins as the gym is local.

While I'm gone, he's in his room on his laptop, watching TV. He has a phone which he FaceTimes me on.

He's knows the deal as to:

Not open the door
Not touch cooker etc
Go to neighbours house in emergency
Call me if you need anything.

He spoke to his dad on the phone while I was at out and DS told him I was at the gym. His dad hates me, and reported me to the police who came and asked my questions and said it's against the law to do that but they are happy DS is happy and cared for. They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle/

I have checked the law around this before on the GOV & NSPCC websites and checked MM - there is no age limit. It's down to the parent to decide. Personally, I feel DS feel is mature enough for short periods as he doesn't leave his room and FaceTimes me when he wants and most importantly, is comfortable with it. I understand there can be cases where a fire randomly starts which obviously would be a situation I wouldn't want my son to be in alone.

When they spoke to DS, it also came out that his dad used to leave him home alone when he was five years old, which they will be passing onto social services as well as the fact that I left him alone today.

I obviously won't do this until he is older now, but I wanted to ask MN.

So, have you left your 9 year old home alone? WIBU? What age is right? And aren't police incorrect that it's illegal to leave a kid under 12 alone? They said even to go to the shop, is illegal....

Personally I don’t see an issue with this..

At 9 years my dc1 was very mature capable of following rules, not opening the door have a ring doorbell anyway, could call me on the phone if they needed to, wouldn’t have caused any majors issues, basically they sat watching tv or on an iPad or reading a book!

It wasn’t done often and has gradually developed to them being on their own for a couple of hours at a time.

at 9/10 I used to walk to school and back every day…for a good mile on my own and was on my own until my mum got home at 4.30 🤷‍♀️

I also doubt social services would give more than a phone call to check out the situation and the police really do need to learn the law ffs

@babsanderson I agree although ironically unless it’s locked down appropriately the screen is probably the biggest risk of harm!

SS would be better off tackling parents who allow inappropriate social media use!

christ you shouldn’t leave the child that young illegal or not i hope social services investigate

I'm wondering if those who wouldn't, either mollycoddle their kids, or their kids are less mature. My son is literally glued to a screen while I'm gone and he knows the rules.

At ten, a lot of kids walk home alone - how does that confidence suddenly appear? Personally, I wouldn't let mine walk to school and back at that age which is quite ironic but there are two quiet roads to cross and I think cars are a greater threat than being at home alone.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I'll see what social services say tomorrow and will invite them to come and speak to my son and ask him how he feels about it.

This is such a grey area and is why so many children don’t get to learn independence. Honestly don’t know what is the right age. I just drag my ten year old along with me everywhere and honestly don’t know when I can leave him alone for twenty minutes while I go pick up his brother. I assumed secondary age but I’m back to reconsidering that!

At 9 I was left home alone and supervised my two younger siblings. Just depends on child/ maturity

The thing I find strange op is the people who re saying 9 is FAR too young. I agree for some they may be too young, or the parents aren’t quite ready, but 9 definitely isn’t far too young, it’s at the lower bound of acceptable. It’s too young for some children and some parents. I don’t agree with SS saying it’s too young although I accept they have to give consistent advice and also work with many families who if you give an inch they take a mile so advice has to take that into account.

I've started leaving my 9
Nearly 10 year old home alone for short periods of time, he's just started walking to and from school on his own too. I'm gradually increasing his independence. He absolutely loves it. Depends on the child though at this moment in time I can't imagine my 8 year old being able to do the same when there nearly 10.

It feels young to me. DS is 8.5 and I had anxiety leaving him for 5 mins the other day while I walked DD to a friends house in the same estate. He's sensible but it didn't seem right.

I disagree with you OP but I'm trying to see it from your side. But when you start to use words like "mollycoddle" I start to think that actually you probably are unreasonable because that's a bit of a dickish accusation. Not wanting to leave a 9yr old at home alone isn't "mollycoddling" - the NSPCC suggest 12 yrs old, that's quite a significant jump from leaving a 9 year old alone!!

I wouldn't do it. But I can accept that there are 9 yr olds which are more mature than others. The risk is pretty small, in fairness. But I guess the issue is that if the worst happens, that unlikely event, you'll regret it.

On another thread about leaving children home alone someone said "it's perfectly safe - until it isn't". And I think that sums it up. You'll probably be fine. Nothing is likely to happen. But what about that odd occasion, that small chance, the risk of something you never thought would happen? The consequences could be disastrous.

When I was 8 or 9, I choked on a sweet. I couldn't breathe. Absolutely ridiculous thing to have happened. It was scary as hell but luckily my mum and dad were there to intervene. I don't know what would have happened if I were on my own as I was coughing and coughing and coughing and it wasn't budging. They literally had to turn me upside down and bang my back (the Heimlich manoeuvre was apparently not their thing....!) It's the stupid, unlikely events like this that are the risk. (I can place my age very precisely because it was our last family holiday and my parents divorced when I was 9).

My DS choked on an apple when he was about 7, and I had to rush him to hospital in the car, half-dressed and barefoot because he wasn't breathing. It seems that choking is a thing for kids in our family.....!!!

All of the potential risks are pretty unlikely, but I wouldn't want to take the chance because the consequences could be awful.

Interestingly, where I live, none of the children walked to primary school on their own - even in Y6.

I think 12 years old is far too late. The later you leave children learning some independence, the more they have to learn in a fairly short space of time.

@StalkedByASpider That must have been scary. But unless you are in the same room as a child all of the time, then they could choke to death. My DD can be in her bedroom and we will be in the garden in the summer.

I would not get too wound up about the rules here if I were you. You made a judgement call and something has subsequently happened as a result.

The police have given you some top notch advice, which should 100% heed:

“They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle”

Off the back of this do a quick detox of anything else that your ex could use against you - anything at all however insignificant - and reset it).

The police had the sense to see there wasn’t a problem, which will doubtless be reflected in their comments to SS. It’s great for you that your ex’s negligence came out as part of this, but if/when he becomes aware I imagine it’ll make him very angry, so make sure there is zero further ammunition.

I hope you’re done with court soon and that your son’s ok - horrible position for him to be in. He was probably terrified when the police turned up.

I do think where you live, and local norms, play a role in parents decision making. Where I live, it's really normal for children in yr4 to walk to and from school on their own. It's a quite a quiet middle class village. Not alot happens. As I said up thread, I let my 8 (nearly 9) yr old stay home for an hour or a bit longer, but I wouldn't let him walk to school on his own atbthisnage as I'd worry about the traffic (there's a few roads to cross). Some parents at the school allow the children to walk to school or walk home, but wouldn't leave them in the house on their own. Different parents parent differently. You know your child.

‘Mollycoddle’ 👌 Nice. Personally I’d just call it putting my children’s well being and safety above my desire for a set of tight abs

I hope he doesn’t have the laptop or mobile on charge when you leave him. It’s an increasing and known cause of fires starting, as the lithium ion battery inside can overheat. Even if the laptop is safely positioned on a desk.

It’s one of those low risk high stakes scenarios. Could he take calm action if a fire started? Would he know what to do? It’s terrifying if you’re the unlucky ones.

I think I was about 8 the first time I was left home alone - I had chickenpox and my mum needed to go out shopping. I was quiet, well-behaved, and if you left me sitting down with a book it was more likely than not that I wasn't going to move for the next few hours at least.

DS who's 9, on the other hand I've not left alone for longer than it takes to pop over the road to the shop and back. I don't think he'd cope with longer than 15mins.

Completely depends on the child.

Kids round here walk to and from middle school without parents and this is encouraged by the schools. I mean it's basically a walking bus as we live in a medium town so all the kids from this area walk to the same middle school at the same time.

I think 9 year olds are capable. I actually think my 6 year old would be capable but I wouldn't leave him.

Absolutely no way I'd leave my very sensible 11YO DS. Still too young in my book.

I’ve no experience with this but would strongly advise that you’re not in the slightest bit defensive with social services and simply say you’re sorry, it was a mistake, your son’s so mature you thought it would be ok, but police was a wake up call and now you’re aware there’s an age limit you’ll absolutely stick to it.

It’s obviously a slight plus in this situation if your son is fine with the situation, but at the end of the day they are judging you - and they will not decide your actions are ok or not ok based solely on your primary aged child’s opinion.

It seems to me you’d be extremely unwise not to take full responsibility and be fully open to their views and input if they contact you.

No matter what your justification is for this op Social Services will advise that this does not happen again.

It does not matter how mature your child is or how well prepped they are for an emergency. 9 is far too young and if repeated will be seen as neglectful parenting. Your putting your own needs about your child even if you feel they are safe in their room. You cannot predict if your child will ever come to harm but they if do then you have placed them at risk. In an emergency a 9 year old may panic and not do the right thing. It's not just physical harm but emotional also, I mean why would you even risk it just to go to the gym.

It also doesn't matter if the police report to social services that even though the child was left alone they have no concerns because there is still a problem with your judgement as a parent to have done this in the first place. To a discussion will occur and it will be put on their records incase it happens again.

@Mascarponeandwine It is a tiny tiny risk. People leave phones charging all the time in different rooms of the house.

@GreenIsle What harm can come to a child left for 40 minutes on their screen?

We live in quite a small house - there's no escape from the DC's constant bloody noise 😅 If one of mine were coughing, I'd hear it even in the garden. Their bedroom actually faces the garden so with the windows open in the summer, I'd hear them straight away.

I think out of all the possible risks that people list - burglars, fire, strangers at the door etc - I think something stupid like choking or slipping and falling are the biggest risks. I fell down the stairs last week. No idea why, my foot just slipped. I am quite clumsy to be fair.... But it really bloody hurt. It just takes one stupid accident like that to really regret leaving a youngster at home for nearly an hour.

Obviously we're all influenced by our own experiences, our attitude to risk and also the maturity of our children. To me, leaving them alone at 9 would be unthinkable but clearly there isn't a consensus, judging by these comments.