To leave my 9 year old home alone

[greenapplesredpeppers]

I went to the gym today around 2pm and left my 9 year old home while I went - as usual. I'm gone for like 40 mins as the gym is local.

While I'm gone, he's in his room on his laptop, watching TV. He has a phone which he FaceTimes me on.

He's knows the deal as to:

Not open the door
Not touch cooker etc
Go to neighbours house in emergency
Call me if you need anything.

He spoke to his dad on the phone while I was at out and DS told him I was at the gym. His dad hates me, and reported me to the police who came and asked my questions and said it's against the law to do that but they are happy DS is happy and cared for. They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle/

I have checked the law around this before on the GOV & NSPCC websites and checked MM - there is no age limit. It's down to the parent to decide. Personally, I feel DS feel is mature enough for short periods as he doesn't leave his room and FaceTimes me when he wants and most importantly, is comfortable with it. I understand there can be cases where a fire randomly starts which obviously would be a situation I wouldn't want my son to be in alone.

When they spoke to DS, it also came out that his dad used to leave him home alone when he was five years old, which they will be passing onto social services as well as the fact that I left him alone today.

I obviously won't do this until he is older now, but I wanted to ask MN.

So, have you left your 9 year old home alone? WIBU? What age is right? And aren't police incorrect that it's illegal to leave a kid under 12 alone? They said even to go to the shop, is illegal....

I do think there should be some clearer guidance on this as right now it's down to parents to decide, which I did, then am told, incorrectly that it's illegal.

My judgement is that my son is mature enough to know what to do. He's not scared of being alone, he literally doesn't mind. Won't be doing this again for now!! Not because I think he is too young but because of the involvement with SS and police.

I have started to prepare him for independence more and more, for example, he gets himself ready for school, as in brushing teeth, getting dressed and making his breakfast by himself (although I'm on hand and sometimes do nudge him to ensure he's on time). I've started to get him to wash up his plate after himself and put his own laundry in the washing machine - not turn it on at this point! In two years he will be starting secondary school and travelling by himself, this is a part of a greater independence plan.

There are some kids around the same age that I 100% don't think can be left alone - a friend of mine has a child the same age but he's very hyper and quite immature. My DS is more chilled and has always been sensible and able to follow direction. He's big for his age - wears age 12-13 clothes and his confidence has increased since doing classes like football and tae kwon do - not saying he could beat up an intruder or put out a fire, just showing that this was thought out, based on his personality and not a case of, screw being a responsible mum, let me go and get abs!

Im still waiting for the call from SS. Agree it was silly of me to do this while dealing with this crap with his dad - but I've been dealing with crap from him for 8 years now! He's shown himself up in this situation worse as it's come out he was leaving our son alone in the house from 5 years old - which is way to young!

I think children 9/10 need that push to be a little more independent and you have good boundaries for him and keep in contact while you are away. I do the same with my 9year old. It has done wonders for her confidence and she knows I trust her.

NSPCC advice always errs on the extremely cautious side.

Maybe have a word with the NSPCC then - they don't recommend leaving any child alone at home if they're aged under 12.

Responses like this are exasperating. If you really think your 10 yr old could cope with anything that happens and don't need adult supervision, that's your decision. But sneering at others who think that a 10 yr old isn't sufficiently mature to be at home alone - a view that the NSPCC share - is equally ridiculous.

Children aren't suffering from anxiety because their parent doesn't leave them alone often enough. FFS.

The law doesn’t state an age you can leave a child home alone but that does not mean you as the parent have carte blanche to decide when it’s appropriate. Posters should stop peddling that misinformation. “Home alone” can be considered as part and parcel of neglect offences depending obviously on the individual circumstances. Typically you will find that parents who leave their kids home alone underestimate how long they’ve been gone… timed shop receipts are often quite useful. The majority of cases go unreported simply because nothing happens in the time the parent was out which unfortunately means that those who come to notice do so because something bad has happened. You don’t want to be that parent returning to
find the fire service outside your house. ( I know one case where the mother returned to find a fire but the children had unfortunately already perished )

Its not illegal. Whether it is a wise decision depends on the child. The circumstances you describe are fine

It sounds to me like the police are on your side and are simply warning you not to give your ex any ammunition against you.

I wouldn't think twice about leaving a confident 9 year old. But then, we allowed DS to walk home from school at 9 - we'd pick him up as school wouldn't release him without a parent - and he'd then walk home while we brought DD home a different route/ in the car/ via somewhere else.

Do you always need to consult 'experts' to decide what's best for your own child? Personally I use my own judgement on a case by case basis and yes some of the responses on here are ridiculous, including those who would call social services because a sensible 9 year old was left alone for less than an hour in their own home.

Personally I use my own judgement on a case by case basis

got much experience of child protection have you?

Able to make sensible decisions based on your own child and circumstances are you?

I would be worried about how your ex found out about you leaving him alone. If your son complained to him its a concern because he's obviously uncomfortable being alone. If he didn't it may be a bigger concern is your ex watching you that closely?

It's says in the OP. The child told the dad on the phone

no I don’t think so. It’s not about whether he’s ok for 40mins, no doubt he is. But if something unexpected happens and you are out for much longer,,would he still be ok. Therefore, if it’s something you have to do, fine, can’t be avoided, but for a gym visit, not so much.

My ex sister in law’s kids walked over the road from school at 8 and 10 and were in the house for 2 hours until she got home from work. Social services were involved for other reasons so she checked with them and they were happy with that arrangement.

My exh left our 3 under 10's every Saturday night when he went to the pub. The judge and Cafcass cared not a jot...

Do I think that the NSPCC are experts in childcare? Funnily enough, yes. Not sure why you’ve used quotation marks for experts, because they are.

You’ve missed the point spectacularly. People are being sneery and rude about others who don’t leave their child alone - and yet, they’ve actually adopted the same approach that NSPCC suggest. That would suggest that those who don’t leave their child alone are more likely to be getting it right.

Most people who leave their child alone are doing it because of convenience. And as I said upthread, it will probably be fine - until the one time it’s not.

If it’s not a problem then Social Services won’t care. Better to carry out too many checks than for children to slip through the net, surely? Parents ignoring advice from NSPCC might be negligent in other ways - they might not, it all might be fine - and if that’s the case, no harm done.

Aside from the usual risks of fire, break-ins etc, the child might choke, have an accident and hurt themselves, the parent may have an RTA, there could be a local incident & the parent can’t get back to the home etc. Could an 8-9 yr old deal with all these eventualities?

As I said, the risk is small and it’s all fine - until that one time it isn’t.

Of course not.

None of my friends or family would even consider leaving a 9 year old at home alone IRL. Each to their own but I'm totally shocked so many people would.

I know the risks of anything happening are absolutely tiny in reality. I'd consider my 9 year old to be very sensible. But am I 100% confident that in a potentially risky and previously inexperienced scenario he would be capable of dealing with it as a much older child or adult would? No. To think he would be is a total assumption and not a risk I'd take.

People have quoted NSPCC about no legal limit but kids rarely being mature under 12. Even if they are being cautious this is still 2-3 years older than this scenario. People do know their own kids best but I feel like quite a high proportion of people are prone to inflating their own kids abilities and are not really objective about it.

My 9 year old daughter is allowed round to the park alone and allowed to go round the corner and chap for her best friend. I also leave her in the house for 1/2 hours. She has a phone, we have discussed what she is and isn't allowed to do whilst I'm out, what to do in an emergency etc.

I have weighed up the risks - for instance, she has asked a few times if her and her friend could walk out two small dogs, I wouldn't allow it because of the risk of dog attacks as the dogs are so small. I don't believe she would be able to deal with such a circumstance and I would worry the dog would start on her as he instinct would probably be to intervene and protect her dogs.

I do believe, however, that my daughter can handle sitting in the house watching tv whilst I'm out for a little while. And that's s decision I have made as a parent weighing up all the risks. I think kids are too constrained now, she'll be in academy in a few years, she needs to start learning independence too.

I also send her into the shop herself with money to get sweets and I won't order for her in a restaurant, she has a voice, she needs to learn to use it.

For me it's too young, but i have a tendency to 'mollycoddle' and I am ok with that.

I left DS home alone from the age of 9 as he was perfectly happy for me to do so abs we live in the most boring street ever, it’s a cult de sac of six houses and we all know each other so any problems he could have gone straight to the neighbours. He also had a phone. If he had been upset or anxious no way would I have left him.

DD is two years older and would never have been left at 9 as she would have been frightened and worried so I never did it, she had the option when I took DS footie training and matches but she always wanted to come with us.

I think it very much depends on the child, you did nothing wrong OP.

Cul de sac!! No cults here 😂😂

I don't know if getting yourself up ready for school is a marker for allowing greater independence, my nearly 16 year old DS is hopeless at this and needs several nudges to get up otherwise he'd be in permanent detention for being late! But he is more than capable of being left alone and is pretty street wise and despite my requests to collect him will walk home from friend's house at night! Conversely, my DD, 11 is great at packing her bag the night before gets up an hour and 1/2 before she needs to leave but I'm weary of her being alone and mostly need her older brother there as she does things like making hot chocolate with boiling water that goes everywhere as she is left handed and went a really quiet way home from school as she fancied a scenic route, so yes, independent in getting ready and needs no reminders but her rationale is sometimes too young to be confidently left. DS needs constant nudging so not independent in that regard but definitely has insight and thought processes beyond his years so more like a 19 year old.

M y 8 yo sometimes gets home before I get home from work and has to wait by herself for 10 mins. I wouldn’t like her in the house alone for any longer. I also regularly have to leave all my kids home alone together while I work as I have no childcare, I don’t feel it’s safe but really have no choice as there isn’t a lot of childcare where I live.

I’m self employed so I take them when I can but sometimes it’s safer for them to stay at home and I keep coming back to check on them. They are 5, 8 and 12, the 12 year old has a phone and gets paid to supervise the 5 yo. I absolutely hate doing it and would never leave them to go to the gym or anything else that wasn’t 100% necessary.