To leave my 9 year old home alone

[greenapplesredpeppers]

I went to the gym today around 2pm and left my 9 year old home while I went - as usual. I'm gone for like 40 mins as the gym is local.

While I'm gone, he's in his room on his laptop, watching TV. He has a phone which he FaceTimes me on.

He's knows the deal as to:

Not open the door
Not touch cooker etc
Go to neighbours house in emergency
Call me if you need anything.

He spoke to his dad on the phone while I was at out and DS told him I was at the gym. His dad hates me, and reported me to the police who came and asked my questions and said it's against the law to do that but they are happy DS is happy and cared for. They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle/

I have checked the law around this before on the GOV & NSPCC websites and checked MM - there is no age limit. It's down to the parent to decide. Personally, I feel DS feel is mature enough for short periods as he doesn't leave his room and FaceTimes me when he wants and most importantly, is comfortable with it. I understand there can be cases where a fire randomly starts which obviously would be a situation I wouldn't want my son to be in alone.

When they spoke to DS, it also came out that his dad used to leave him home alone when he was five years old, which they will be passing onto social services as well as the fact that I left him alone today.

I obviously won't do this until he is older now, but I wanted to ask MN.

So, have you left your 9 year old home alone? WIBU? What age is right? And aren't police incorrect that it's illegal to leave a kid under 12 alone? They said even to go to the shop, is illegal....

Yes, I absolutely would leave a sensible 9yo home alone in the circumstances you describe. In fact, I would have left one of my children at a much younger age than that if not for the fact that so many people in our society disagree, and I really didn't want social workers in my life.

You say the police passed it on to Social Care so maybe see what they say when they get in touch. I imagine they will just ring for a chat. If you had it on record that they had said it was fine, perhaps you could carry on rather than having to be dictated to by your ex.

I do see why you might want to play it safe in view of the ongoing court case with him.

Too young

I'm wondering if those who wouldn't, either mollycoddle their kids, or their kids are less mature.

Yes, I think people generalise based on their own kids and don't really grasp how different they are. And of course maturity comes partly from having experiences of independence, as you said elsewhere. That means that a sensible child who has practice of being alone will become even more competent, and the difference between such a child and their less capable age peers gets greater. (I would quibble with your use of the word "mollycoddle" because some kids do need to be protected to a greater extent.)

One of my kids was very confident and was roaming our town on buses alone from the age of eight. The other is now a teenager, is very vulnerable, and is not left alone for more than a few minutes at a time. There's no magic age. It's about knowing your own child and giving them the tools they need to progress as best they can.

For me I wouldn't feel comfortable but it's harder for me to judge as my oldest is 7 and has younger siblings so it's not something I think about often, as I'd just never do it.

However I hardly think it's the crime of the century and is pretty normal. The fact is at 9 your child is old enough to understand risk, understand you're coming back, and take care of his own basic needs. That seems to me like a decent threshold to be left alone for short periods of time in their own home.

It also as you said depends on the child. My 7 year old DD would be perfectly fine right now at this age being left for a short period practically, though she made be a bit upset/feel lonely. My middle son though, I honestly can't imagine leaving him on his own until much older because he's less mature and more impulsive.

I'm wondering if those who wouldn't, either mollycoddle their kids, or their kids are less mature

Yes I know my son is not mature enough for this kind of trust and doubt he would be at 9. It's not always just a learned skill thing, part of maturity is personality.

It's fine, I left my ds at the same age for up to 2hrs. He was fine with it, the only think I did do was make sure I was back before it was dark (in the winter months), as he would probably have been creeped out. There was no other sibling, so no chance of silliness....he was always in exactly the same position I'd left him in - so watching TV, gaming or doing lego builds!

Now I can leave him for about double that, on a rare occasion (11 now). He travels to school on his own and knows what to do in any emergency.

Totally depends on the child.

I was going to the park with friends, walking to ballet school for miles when I was about 9 myself. He is pretty safe at home I reckon. Safer than being out with me probably, where the risks certainly multiply!

Thing*

My dp was referred to social services for leaving a 13 year old on his own 1900-2130 to go to work one night per week, the rest of the time he worked 9-5. They said there's no legal age limit but its inappropriate and did several unannounced visits to check he wasn't being left on his own. Dps ds was given food before dp left, he had a mobile phone, a landline, was in a safe block of 6 flats and dp worked 5 mins away by car. Social services take a very dim view of leaving any child under the age of 16 alone for any reason at anytime of day but especially evenings or night.

Your local authority let a 7 year old leave the premises supervised only by a 9 year old?

I don't think it's too young. Depends on the child. I could leave ds's (together or alone) and they were perfectly happy playing on their x box.

@Tigger85
I find this over-zealous involvement from SS, frightening. They deemed it "Inappropriate"? I object to that.

"Social services take a very dim view of leaving any child under the age of 16 alone for any reason at anytime of day but especially evenings or night."

I don't know who the heck SS think they are!

10 or 11 for that long.

I was baby sitting neighbour's kids at age 12 - weird that people won't leave 12 year olds alone.

my kids primary school lets kids walk home alone from p4 so some are 7 and allowed to leave school alone.

Wrong about the law, strange they said this but I agree given the fact you're in an ongoing court situation it's probably best not to give him any ammunition, annoying as that may be. Imo 9 is fine to leave for that duration and in those circumstances

Social services take a very dim view of leaving any child under the age of 16 alone for any reason at anytime of day but especially evenings or night.

No they don't. Unless it's part of a bigger picture of suspected abuse or neglect. But in isolation? No.

The older child is 10, so potentially in year 6 - children walk home alone here from age 8-9.

Bloody hell my 17yo isn't allowed to collecty 8 yo from school
. School policy says must be over 18..

@WaffleHouseWendy that's what they said to dp for leaving a neurological 13 year old boy for 2.5hrs one evening per week. This happened about 12 years ago so maybe they are different now.

That should say neurotypical not neurological

Sorry but I think it's disgraceful to leave a 9 year old home alone while you go to the gym.

I was just thinking that! I was babysitting overnights at that age, with no phone. Most people in our village didn't even have a landline.

@Comedycook
Disgraceful? Oh purlease. What age do you think then? Are your dc adults now? What age did you leave them?

A trip to the gym is unnecessary, on this basis I’d say YABU. Short essential trips at 9 years old might be ok depending on child. A gym trip, no .

My dc are 12 and 14. I started leaving my eldest briefly when he was 11...but only for 5/10 minutes when I dropped my younger one at after school activities. I would have never left them home alone at 9. I could understand someone doing this for a five minute dash to the corner shop but a gym trip isn't essential and it's quite a long time imo.