To leave my 9 year old home alone

[greenapplesredpeppers]

I went to the gym today around 2pm and left my 9 year old home while I went - as usual. I'm gone for like 40 mins as the gym is local.

While I'm gone, he's in his room on his laptop, watching TV. He has a phone which he FaceTimes me on.

He's knows the deal as to:

Not open the door
Not touch cooker etc
Go to neighbours house in emergency
Call me if you need anything.

He spoke to his dad on the phone while I was at out and DS told him I was at the gym. His dad hates me, and reported me to the police who came and asked my questions and said it's against the law to do that but they are happy DS is happy and cared for. They basically said, don't give his dad anything to get one over me. We are in the middle of a toxic court battle/

I have checked the law around this before on the GOV & NSPCC websites and checked MM - there is no age limit. It's down to the parent to decide. Personally, I feel DS feel is mature enough for short periods as he doesn't leave his room and FaceTimes me when he wants and most importantly, is comfortable with it. I understand there can be cases where a fire randomly starts which obviously would be a situation I wouldn't want my son to be in alone.

When they spoke to DS, it also came out that his dad used to leave him home alone when he was five years old, which they will be passing onto social services as well as the fact that I left him alone today.

I obviously won't do this until he is older now, but I wanted to ask MN.

So, have you left your 9 year old home alone? WIBU? What age is right? And aren't police incorrect that it's illegal to leave a kid under 12 alone? They said even to go to the shop, is illegal....

I nip to the corner shop and leave my nearly 11 year old but that's about it. They can see me from the window if they want to.
School have been letting them walk home from Y5 with permission, so 9ish, which I wasn't ready for really, but I didn't want to knock their confidence and they were so excited to do it. Didn't last long, lazy bugger 🤣

It's fine and yes I do. He also walks home alone from school. 10 minutes in the suburbs of a major city. I think, apart from cars, cities are pretty safe as there's always someone around. Cars are a worry though.

I also deliberately send him and his older brother together to the local shop to buy milk. It's good for them.

I went to school on the tube from age 11. I think this gives me a different perspective from someone who was driven around everywhere or grew up in a small community.

I think it is bloody obvious why anxiety is such an issue for many teenagers and young adults with parents who make out the world is a big scary place, instead of teaching them how to navigate risk.

@StalkedByASpider it's more dangerous when they are choking but not able to cough or make noise

I was walking myself to and from school and letting myself in and out of the house whilst my mum worked at that age. My son is very much like I was at that age, has been quite sensible and mature since being quite young, independent and confident, he absolutely hated going to after school club so I allowed him to stop going at the the end of year 5, age 10, he would be at home for around 45 minutes after me, lock up and take himself to school. He would get home about an hour before me so would let himself in. School were aware and didn’t seem concerned, never reported me. At age 11 covid hit and both schools and childcare clubs closed and he went to being home alone full time because I had to go to work, I definitely stressed about it more than him and checked in with him every couple of hours and he could call me anytime if needed, he loved the independence being left alone to just be able to chill out and do his own thing. Like you we had rules like no cookers, no answering the door, knew what to do in the event of an emergency etc.

So in answer to your question, no I don’t think leaving a sensible 9 year old home alone for just 40 minutes is unreasonable so long as they are happy to be left and know what to do in an emergancy. I would be surprised if social services did anything much about it provided there are no other concerns around his care or wellbeing.

It depends on the child I think. My DD is v responsible and walks home by herself from school (age 11) and has some since Sept. She lets herself into the house etc. 90% of the time I'm there working from home and usually here. My DS age 9 now, has yet to demonstrate that he's ready for the responsibility!!

I left dd home alone every day for about 1.5 when she was 10. She was very mature and responsible for her age. I would’ve been fine leaving her for an hour at 9 too.

What?! No way! Far too young.

I find it very hard to believe the police said what you did - which you were essentially caught for - is fine but they take a 4 year old sketchy memory from a small child seriously to the point they make a social services referral and tell you about it

@GreenIsle How can it be too young? In a year most schools would deem him old enough to walk home alone. And children often play outside younger than this. My son did on his very middle class street from about age 7.

How are we preparing kids and giving them the skills they need to learn to navigate being outside alone if they can't manage being in their own homes alone for 40 minutes.

We are doing our kids no favours by this continuing move to more and more helicopter parenting. We are supposed to be looking to raise independent adults, and that needs to start somewhere.

This. Exactly. We are doing our kids a disservice by always prioritising fear (I was going to say safety, but it's not, it's fear of allowing any risk at all) over developing confidence and important life skills.

I walked the 10 minute walk home, then up to an hour at home alone whilst my mother finished work, collected my younger sister from the childminder and came home... starting from age 8.

Surely so very very much depends on the household and the child, rather than the age - for some, this is fine, for others it wouldn't be for a year or two yet.

I think it is young.
My reasoning is basically that although they are comfortable and know rules,safeguards etc,it takes one knock at the door,one phone call,a text even,for the situation to alter in a child's mind and they are left in the position of being the adult and having to decide what to do .
unfortunately I cannot be specific here,but I would always say not to leave a child alone until you are confident they can be 100% responsible and make the correct decisions.
could you exercise at home ?

I think it is totally fine

What reason you leave the house for is irrelevant either you are happy to leave him and he is happy to be left or you aren't. You think it's fine so it is fine

I don't think it's far too young, might be a little young for me but it's difficult to judge because it depends on the child.

My eldest is 7 and I'm starting to allow a little bit more independence by letting him play in the park for a few minutes unsupervised. It's very difficult, it's right next to my house on a dead end cul-de-sac but I get twitchy after 5 seconds. I do need to start giving him a bit more freedom where I'm not hovering over him though because they don't gain the skills they need overnight. I've started allowing him to make toast on his own after letting him do it with me watching. It's a step towards being able to cook full meals.

Maybe you need to reduce the amount of time your 9 year old has alone for now to avoid drama but I definitely think it's an appropriate age to start building up to being home alone.

Parenting is a lot of the time about using your own judgement and common sense. There are some absolute no no's like not leaving a 3 year old alone but there are grey area's like when to start leaving them alone and for how long.

At 17 my parents left me alone for a week for the first time which might have some parents horrified but at 18 I moved away to Uni and had weeks totally alone navigating life.

9 is fine and I’ve definitely left my DC alone at this age. I regularly leave them alone now at 10, 11 and 12. They all have mobile phones so what could actually happen? They’re locked in with keys should they need to escape and they know not to answer the door. We have smoke alarms incase a random fire should occur and they know what to do if there is a fire. Nothing will happen and if it does, they can call.

Get a grip.

I think it's fine. I leave my 10 year old for that long but I guess it depends on whether they have a phone, how sensible they are, the area you live etc.

Well said. Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.

I'm wondering if those who wouldn't, either mollycoddle their kids, or their kids are less mature. My son is literally glued to a screen while I'm gone and he knows the rules.

My son is sensible and I don’t mollycoddle, I just don’t feel the need to leave him home alone to go to the gym! It’s not urgent is it. I think doing this while in a court battle with a toxic ex is just plain daft. It’s literally asking for trouble.

It is supposed to be parental judgement, but in the case of two warring parents who don't agree, then I think the police are right that you need to avoid this becoming an issue. I think many of us have checked with the other parent (resident or not) before starting to leave children alone.

I'm sure you will hear from the "I didn't leave my CHILD alone until they were 45" brigade, but I suspect your kid was and is fine.

NSPCC says

"There's no legal age a child can be left home alone, but it’s against the law to leave a child alone if it puts them at risk.

We do not recommend leaving a child under 12 alone at home".

I wouldn't leave my 9 year old daughter. There were days in the holidays I wanted to go for a walk or even by something I needed and she didn't want to leave her room. She is turning 10 in few weeks and still wouldn't yet. However, I know it's personal choice at that age, and how sensible they are but I'm not comfortable with it even though I m pretty sure she should be fine. I think 12 is a more appropriate age for that.

My eldest I would trust at 9 but at the same age my youngest was too immature and I couldn't leave them together because the eldest would feel responsible for the youngest which isn't the case but the eldest being sensible, she'd naturally be concerned about the younger one not behaving so sensibly.

I don't really understand the NSPCC advice about under 12s (I realise it is guidance not law) when you consider an awful lot of year 7 students will be 11 for a lot, if not all, of the academic year.

There is no after school provision in secondary schools and pre-pandemic many more parents worked out of the house and depending on commute times, yr 7s could be left alone for several hours each day.

It's not particularly helpful for anxious parents or parents looking for additional guidance.