Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

583 replies

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:46

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/01/2023 11:08

Be careful though not to read too much into their reaction. Anxiety can make you both misread and exaggerate peoples reactions and make something situational personal.

they came - because you asked and wanted them to. You didn’t need them to it was no longer an emergency

GreetingsToTheNewBrunette · 15/01/2023 11:08

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:57

@Bunce1 because of their dogs, they had to get back. Their dogs are priority in all situations it seems.

Show quote history

That’s a bit unfair - they can’t leave them alone for an overnight stay and it might have been hard to get someone to look after them. You seem to have an attitude towards them too OP, maybe MIL was picking up on that.

MrsMorrisey · 15/01/2023 11:08

Maybe your MIL is annoyed and frustrated by your anxiety but wants to be there for your children.

At least they came, I think you're being a bit sensitive. However clearly you've had a shit time and certain people piss you off. She's one of them.

Big drive for them and she probably doesn't understand why you needed help.
But they still came.

knittingaddict · 15/01/2023 11:09

I've re-read your posts op. So your dad was there too. Why, in that case, was your mum's health such an issue? There's a slight whiff of misogyny here. Why are the mums being concentrated on here? Men can help too, but apparently they aren't a factor here.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2023 11:10

TerfOnATrain · 15/01/2023 10:28

I was sympathetic, and indeed would have done the trip to help my DC, but then when I read about your in laws "prioritising their dogs" you lost me.

Seriously, and in the nicest possible way, what were they meant to do with the dogs at such short notice.

They would have weighed up the ask against the dogs being left, the distance, the existing support available etc. and possibly deemed it a teeny weeny bit unreasonable, but came anyway.

YABU.

What were they supposed to do? Find someone to sort the dogs and prioritise their son and grandchildren like a normal person maybe? 🤔

op hope your dc2 is better now and things are a little less stressful.

MrsMorrisey · 15/01/2023 11:10

Quartz2208 · 15/01/2023 11:08

Be careful though not to read too much into their reaction. Anxiety can make you both misread and exaggerate peoples reactions and make something situational personal.

they came - because you asked and wanted them to. You didn’t need them to it was no longer an emergency

Good point ⬆️

Maytodecember · 15/01/2023 11:11

It’s awful when you can’t count on someone as close as your dc grandparents but I’m afraid it happens. I had pre-eclampsia with dd2 , was told I had to be hospitalised immediately. Because of job problems we didn’t think DH could stay home with dd1, would my mother come and look after her for a week? Would she hell, was so unwilling, asked so many questions ( she would only have to play with dd wouldn’t she? Not cook or clean ? Ffs) This was a 52 year old woman with no health problems and a DH and bloody staff at home! DD1 ended up being cared for by a neighbour who had her own small child.

I hope your baby is ok now, but I wouldn’t count on the in laws for help in future.

Butterflywing · 15/01/2023 11:12

Who looked after your DC when you were in the Priory?

It is stressful when your mental health isn't good. This means a huge responsibility on the other parent to try and keep it all together for the DC.

When DC come along, their needs naturally trump yours.

So having you out of the picture makes it extremely difficult for the other adults involved, including your partner.

Perhaps they are well aware of the demands made on their son and are beginning to resent the fact that you are not able to cope with your own DC without outside help?

May be they are worried about their son and don't think you are being fair?

On the positive side, you have met a good psychiatrist who will hopefully be able to help get working strategies in place for you so that you can feel and be more able to cope, going forward.

Good luck op and I hope your little one gets better soon and I wish you all the best in your recovery too 🌺

FoodieToo · 15/01/2023 11:12

Sorry I have read the thread but am a little
confused with the timings ?

Can you clarify what you needed your PIL for ?

Surely not so you could nap together ?

I think I must be missing something .

Sirzy · 15/01/2023 11:13

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:47

But they could have said no?

and Then you would have really slagged them off for not helping.

seems like they couldn’t win whatever they did.

4 adults and 2 children is a fine ratio, being able to add extras if anything just made things more complicated! Too many cooks and all that

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 11:13

@BitOutOfPractice but the OP did not actually need someone for child care - what she wanted was to be able to have a nap at the same time as her husband! While there were two other adults already in the house!!!

Notonthestairs · 15/01/2023 11:14

"What were they supposed to do? Find someone to sort the dogs and prioritise their son and grandchildren like a normal person maybe? 🤔 "

Which is exactly what they did.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 11:15

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 15/01/2023 10:56

Would you have been happier if they did?

Show quote history

@ChardonnaysBeastlyCat I some ways because their attitude and mil's mood was unpleasant and almost rude so I could have done without that in hindsight. Just felt awful for asking and guilty to be honest. So we won't do it again.

I've been so mentally ill myself recently, I'm really at breaking point.

OP posts:
whowhatwerewhy · 15/01/2023 11:16

I think your need to take a long look at yourself. You were in a situation were you called them and asked for help .
They arranged for a friend to look after there dogs and drove 130 miles to help you . Your MIL didn't act as you wanted her to ,how very selfish of her .
Probably like the majority have pointed out they arrived to find the emergency was ( thank goodness) over .
They were surplus's to requirements apart from you not being able to organise your DM getting some rest and you and and DH tag teaming sleep .

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/01/2023 11:16

What were they supposed to do? Find someone to sort the dogs and prioritise their son and grandchildren like a normal person maybe? 🤔

But they did that, so what's the problem?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/01/2023 11:17

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:55

@SpringSparrow inlaws are in their 50s. My mil is exactly the same. They didn't get help so neither should we.

Show quote history

But you did get help. They drove hundreds of miles in one day to look after a poorly baby abd a disabled poorly older child. OK they weren't full of joy to do it, but perhaps they were tired and worried, didn't feel they could say no given your own health and so knew they needed to be there but it was stressful

Rather than moan they didn't appear grateful enough to help you, ask if yo u were grateful enough they did

Did you offer to put one of them up if they came alone? Was there food, drinks etc for them? Did you both say thank you?

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 11:18

Still all about you I see OP.

self absorption is very much not a necessary part of mental health challenges

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/01/2023 11:19

Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 10:55

I reckon they rocked up

to a house with 4 adults in it
2 children
and the child that had been discharged running around as happy as Larry

This

Its ridiculous.

Funkyblues101 · 15/01/2023 11:19

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:57

@Bunce1 because of their dogs, they had to get back. Their dogs are priority in all situations it seems.

Show quote history

People with dogs can't randomly leave for days on end with no notice. Only one of you should have gone to the hospital with the ill child. Two of you was unnecessary given your circumstances.

Notimeforaname · 15/01/2023 11:20

I really dont see how 5/6 adults are needed for the care of 2 children.
It's a bit much.
You had 4 adults already there helping the situation. You didn't need a 5th or 6th driving from 120miles away because the original 4 are tired. It's a couple of days.

LucyWhipple · 15/01/2023 11:21

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:41

With all the posters saying that one parent was enough in the hospital (I'm not disputing the enough btw but find it very understandable that both parents wanted to be there)....

Why are we pretending that the grandparents couldn't have simply split up?

One with the dogs, one to go to OP. Seeing as 1 adult is generally enough to look after 2 dogs.

I do not believe that the OP (or her DH?) was wrong to ask if they gave the grandparents all the facts. (Child back home, other grandparents there etc.)

Show quote history

Because 1 person alone may find driving a 260 mile round trip fairly taxing, especially in the dark & bad weather we’ve had lately.

CovertImage · 15/01/2023 11:22

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:47

But they could have said no?

Then you'd've been on here complaining about that too. I can imagine the post...

strumpert · 15/01/2023 11:23

I wouldn't want to do that drive on my own unless I absolutely had to.

AlmondBake · 15/01/2023 11:23

Maytodecember · 15/01/2023 11:11

It’s awful when you can’t count on someone as close as your dc grandparents but I’m afraid it happens. I had pre-eclampsia with dd2 , was told I had to be hospitalised immediately. Because of job problems we didn’t think DH could stay home with dd1, would my mother come and look after her for a week? Would she hell, was so unwilling, asked so many questions ( she would only have to play with dd wouldn’t she? Not cook or clean ? Ffs) This was a 52 year old woman with no health problems and a DH and bloody staff at home! DD1 ended up being cared for by a neighbour who had her own small child.

I hope your baby is ok now, but I wouldn’t count on the in laws for help in future.

But op can count on her in laws. They came! They did a 260 mile round trip and left their dogs. The op's gripe is about her MIL's perceived irritation at finding herself one of 6 adults managing a short-lived emergency.

strumpert · 15/01/2023 11:24

The op's irritation is coz the mil wasn't smiley enough or huggy enough.