Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

No they couldn't. There's a difference between 'Would you like to come to dc2's birthday party at the animal park?' vs 'Dc2 is in hospital, she's stopped breathing can you help?'

And then you would've posted that they didn't come.

It's not very clear OP, was your child out of hospital when you asked them to come? Leaving your mum (you don't mention your dad) alone with your child who has SEN, when she has health issues of her own.
Or were you out by that point but needed to get some rest? It's not clear and it does make a difference to how reasonable the request was.

So you are offended that they didn't stay overnight, they didn't ask about DD2 and they didn't hug you?

They couldn't stay overnight without getting their own additional care in for their dogs.
They could see DD2 so could probably assess how she'd recovered for themselves.
Maybe they aren't huggers.

By the time you and your DH got home from hospital you should have sent your mum home to rest.

Yeah I agree with this. I’ve had sever MH issues myself but in emergencies you just have to get on with stuff. There were enough people helping out already and I’d be pissed off too if I was the MIL. I have no issue helping people in need but like you said if I turned up and found 4 adults already there I’d probably turn round and go back home again! Your anxiety is really blowing this out of proportion and it isn’t everyone else’s responsibility to enable you.

How old are the in-laws? Tbh I didn’t have any help when my children were small. My mum was clear she want going to be helping as she didn’t have any help as she often told me. My in laws would have helped but they were over three hours away. I made mum friends and we babysat for each other when necessary.

And you would have started a thread on them saying no and how unreasonable they were

And then you wouldn't have started a thread about them? I doubt it.

@SpringSparrow inlaws are in their 50s. My mil is exactly the same. They didn't get help so neither should we.

I reckon they rocked up

to a house with 4 adults in it
2 children
and the child that had been discharged running around as happy as Larry

Would you have been happier if they did?

They DID help you op? Not that you needed it.

You had 3 or 4 adults for 2 kids.

Plenty of us have had kids in hospital and only one parent needs to stay and should stay - especially once you have other kids at home.

You asked them to do a 2 hour drive each way - 4 hours in a day - when there was no need.

That's unfair.

But they did help! They came when they were asked to. Cancelled their plans. Pulled in a favour from a friend. Drove for hours. It just wasn't enough for you.

I also think this, and that the urgency of the situation had maybe been exaggerated.

So is your partner the biological parent to your DC1?

Well to be fair dogs have to be walked and fed, you can't just abandon them. If they did a 130 mile journey, spent hours with you, 130 mile journey back they did leave the dogs for quite a long time. Presumably they could see you, your husband and the children were safe and fed.

They did though, they rearranged everything so you and your DH could nap in tandem. You have totally diminished all their effort.

They didn't get help so neither should we.

Then, when they do help, they get criticised for it.

I think their attitude whilst there wasn’t ok. Dogs are living things though that are a big responsibility, I couldn’t just leave my dog overnight, he needs food and to be taken out for the toilet, he would just hold it in until he became ill if I wasn’t there to let him out.

This is a very overly dramatic response to the situation.

Your child was in hospital for 24 hours. And you were exhausted? So exhausted that you needed several extra adults to take care of your 2 children who have 2 parents available?

My parents would travel thousands of miles at the drop of a hat if I needed them. But you didn't need them. It was very much an over reaction.

And we had our son in hospital for a month when he was 1 with a blood infection. Very scary. But I stayed with him and my husband stayed home with our eldest and had my parents helping out with food/ school runs if needed. A month we went though this and yes we were both exhausted by the end of it. Couldn't imagine asking anyone to come round so we can both sleep!? Very strange.

Very long drive and as others have said, I’m not sure why you couldn’t just take it in turns to have a rest if there are two of you

Your mum didn't have to keep going and going, did she? 24 hours was all it took.

You did have the option of one of you being at home with your other child. Many parents wouldn't have an alternative but to tag teaming in this situation.

Also couldn't your dad have helped if mum was finding it too much? Why are the women the only ones being asked/criticised here? My husband does loads with our grandchildren. Apologises if I've missed something about this in your posts.

@JumpingFrogs12 the thing is - they did help. And you don't think they had the right sort of affect when they did.

And they helped so that you could sleep and recover. Which - given there's two of you - you could've tagged teamed to do