Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

I've been so mentally ill myself recently, I'm really at breaking point

I understand that and I understand how hard this whole situation must have been in light of that. I also understand feeling like you need to throw up a flare and call on all the help so you don't sink in an exhausted panic.

What I'm struggling to understand is why you DH didn't prioritise you and tell you to get some sleep? I don't get why he didn't take the first shift knowing how vulnerable you are? I don't know why he didn't make clear why his parents wouldn't be able to be much help? I don't know why your Dad wasn't more hands on so that your dm didn't jeopardise her health? But mostly, I don't know how you were made the ringleader for organising and worrying about all of this when you are mentally on your arse - where the hell is your DH and what is he good for?

It’s awful when you can’t count on someone as close as your dc grandparents but I’m afraid it happens.

It's amost like you haven't read a single word of the thread

Yep, this. If she can't help at the bad times, she doesn't get the good tines. Fuck her.

Remarkable when people join an admittedly long thread and don't even so much as skim read it before posting

This is foul.

"beginning to resent the fact that you are not able to cope with your own DC without outside help" is their problem, not the OP's, anyway.

There are some really horrible posts on this thread and I would advice the OP to step away and stop engaging. OP, focus on getting yourself and your little one well. You weren't wrong to ask for help when you had a sick baby, a special needs child, and your disabled mum needed to switch out. I can understand where you were coming from. Best wishes.

I’m shocked you even asked. What exactly was the help you needed? Someone to watch the children while you both got some sleep? You already had both your mother and father four adults can tag team to catch up on sleep.

They drove a round trip so 260 miles and that wasn’t good enough because what? They were all smiles and sunshine? Then they had the audacity to have to get back to their pets. Leaving you with still 4 adults for 2 children.

I think your own mental health issues as you’ve mentioned are playing a bigger part in this than anything else. You rang they came, they did what was asked while your blowing up how friendly they where or where not out of proportion.

their dd couldn’t breathe! How dare you!

@ladycarlotta

Where did I miss the bit about her mum having a disability?

I notice families who have support from one set of grandparents always get a bit irked when the other set don't do or act as they want, emergency or no emergency. We are the only people in our circle who don't have family to lean on. They all seem to take it for granted after a while. Also every little roadblock without support becomes seems to become a life or death situation they cannot handle on their own. In emergency we fumle through it as best as we - like everyone else in the same boat. We do get a lot of 'why didn't you tell me - I could have helped!!' from friends when we re-tell an unexpected situation afterwards - but in the heat of a problem you don't even think about calling someone to help if you never had it. We count ourselves lucky that we have each other. Single parents with no support circles manage it so we should be able too! They are seriously amazing!

Having a grandparent able to help is a blessing - having 2 who would drive 260 miles round-trip at the drop of a hat is to us like winning the lottery!

The one person that went could have stayed the night if the other had stayed home with the dogs, and driven back in the morning.
or 1 adult can’t look after 2 dogs for a few hours, but 2 parents should take turns to go to hospital with their child who can’t breathe/sounds like having an asthma attack, because asking family is apparently ridiculous.

@JumpingFrogs12 lots of bitter people here. You were frightened, and you asked family for help. Don’t listen to the ‘you should just put up with it’ brigade. Bet they never had any help and want everyone to struggle like they did.

OH and I have zero help. I often feel sad about it, specially because my mother is a horrid person so had to go NC to protect myself. It doesn’t make me bitter towards people that have family they can ask for help.

Given your mental health and anxiety, is it possible you're reading into their reactions more than you need to? Sometimes we see things through our own lens and perceptions can be off due to where we are emotionally.

Or perhaps they don't really "get" where you're coming from regarding your MH? It's possible they may not understand or have kind of outdated notions about MH, but at least they did help when asked.

I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. While they may not be the most empathetic people, they were there when needed.

You need to take a step back OP and look at the reality of your situation. Your in laws DID make the 130 mile trip like you asked. That’s the bare fact.

Personally, no way would I have asked them to. I would have contacted them to let them know how poorly their grandchild was, circumstances etc. They can decide if they want to come over.

As many others have said, you don’t need 6 adults to look after 2 children. I’ve personally been through this - 1 of us went to the hospital, 1 stayed with the other children. We alternated. You have to learn to get on with things.

Maybe your MH issues are making you misunderstand their attitude, maybe your MIL isn't a huggy person, did you ask how she was? Maybe she wasn't particularly well that day (I'm normally OK but in agony today and unable to venture far from the bathroom) and you are misjudging her. At the end of the day they came on a long drive to help, they helped, then they did the drive back so just be grateful and don't be snide about their dogs.

@JumpingFrogs12
Ignore all the horrible unhelpful posts on here.
I have been on Mumsnet many years and can't believe how awful some women (yes I know they aren't all women) are to others!

Whatever happened to "Be Kind"????

Take care of yourself and your little ones.

I have experience of the Priory. My adult DS has been in twice and the phsychiatrist was fab. At the first appointment he was told 'this is totally curable' and 2 years down the line he is 90% recovered!
Good luck

So she had been driving for what 3 hours or so probably just wanted to check on her grandchildren and had the knowledge that she (because of her dogs which she left at short notice) needed to do the same drive back that evening and you expected her in the face of all that clearly has been happening to be what - happy?

you are clearly projecting your guilt/fear/anxiety and the fact that you are at breaking point onto her and her reaction.

was there anyway she could have reacted that would have worked for you. They came, you asked they came. Please leave it there. Any other reaction is likely to be because of where you currently are.

How do you know they could have stayed the night. Did the OP say they had a spare room or that they had offered it? I must have missed that bit.

I totally get the breaking point. I am disabled. I have pretty robust mental health luckily. But physically I am very ill. You have far more help than the majority of people being very lucky to have this many people to call on.

I muddled through with my dd and have had incredibly frightening experiences with dd, who has a medical condition. However, I can absolutely understand why your in laws were perhaps put out (albeit this is your interpretation based on your understanding of your mil behaviour). Idk if this is fact or your angst talking.

Your in laws have done their parenting. They have no obligation to you tbh. Yet they’re proven they’ll be there in an emergency. I get your need to go to bed after the night you’d had. I imagine your in laws will have been just as tired after the long journey and looking after your dcs. I am more your in laws age. Plus 50 is we far more fatigued. Your mil may be in menopause and having a lot of issues herself.

I think your are viewing this through the lens of your illness.

@netto

Whatever happened to "Be Kind"????

Where's the kindness towards the woman who arranged emergency care for her dogs and travelled 260 miles? Does kindness only apply if you're here to give your (half) version of the situation?

Yes, go ahead and pick holes in it.
I’ll do the thinking for you:
spare room, inflatable mattress, sofa, 1 of the parents sleeps on the sofa and the GP shares a bed with their adult child, if the GP has a bad back (just preempting here) - where there’s a will, there’s a way. Or should we confirm with the OP if they have a sofa? Or floor space?

Why didn’t they bring the dogs?

"Be Kind" is a very problematic concept.

Yes.

See, it’s actually possible to disagree with the OP/put forward a different point of view in a manner that is not completely rude, folks.

This is my view. You asked, and they came. A 260 mile round trip is no ones idea of easy or fun. My mum is 100 miles away, and the drive to and from hers isn't my idea of a good time, especially as I'm not a confident driver. Perhaps they're not confident drivers, and the idea of a 260 mile unplanned-for travel day filled them with quiet horror.

Unless they've got a history of being weird and stand-offish, I'd shrug this one off.
You've had a really rotten time, and I suspect your animal brain was wishing for some "proper grown ups" to come and give you some tender loving care. And instead you got slightly begrudging practicality.

So many possible reasons.

My daughter's dog is a nervous wreck in the car. Shakes like a leaf and is continually car sick.

Also why drag more than one dog on a long car journey when it was avoidable. Also how much help could they be with at least two dogs needing their attention?