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Original poster

Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

583 replies

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:46

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

OP posts:
Moomoomeemee · 15/01/2023 10:42

Sorry op. You've had a dreadful fright and not a great time on this thread which seems a little unfair.

Don't make a big thing of it. Maybe they weren't thrilled at coming to help. Not everyone wants to do that for their GCs. Would I? Of course I imagine I would (if I had any GCs which I don't yet - I'm 39). But the fact is, they were there. They didn't enjoy it and probably didn't want to come but they did. That's pretty good imo. If you only wanted them there if they wanted to be there, that's why you don't ask and wait for them to offer. If on the other hand you needed them, whatever mood they were in, because you were desperate for a break, then you have to take them as they are and say thanks

Starlitestarbright · 15/01/2023 10:42

Just some perspective op my nephew has cystic fibrous. He is regularly in and out of hospital. My dbro and sil live quite far away from all family members so difficult for support. He had just done a stint in hospital in the summer for a week on IV antibiotics to fight out of of the infections that can cause him real harm. My niece went to her grandparents for the week whilst my dbro and sil had to swap with each other to keep working their jobs around each other and sitting with my nephew. This is a regular occurrence that happens for several days or weeks. I'd had offered to take dneice but another family member was able to. They wouldn't expect extended family to drive down.(my parents arent physically up to it anyway) They still have to pay the bills and don't have the luxury to be up at the hospital all the time. 24 hours is nothing in the grant scheme of things.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 10:42

I agree you should send your in-laws some flowers and a thank you for helping out.

I’d have been quite astonished to have arranged last minute dog sitting (not cheap) and driven a 260 mile round trip (again, not cheap) to help with emergency care… only to find there were already 4 fully capable adults looking after 2 children.

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 10:42

@VladmirsPoutine do they’d leave dogs if they had them for over 24 hours?

they would have had to arrange emergency dog care

so there is another person who has been massively put out by OPs self absorbed need for everyone else to put themselves out to manage her anxiety

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 10:43

OP have you even asked who liked after the dogs - found out the details of who to send a thank you card to for the emergency dog care?

Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 10:43

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 10:42

I agree you should send your in-laws some flowers and a thank you for helping out.

I’d have been quite astonished to have arranged last minute dog sitting (not cheap) and driven a 260 mile round trip (again, not cheap) to help with emergency care… only to find there were already 4 fully capable adults looking after 2 children.

The Op thinks my suggestion to send flowers and a thank you card isspiteful

Says if all really

Brefugee · 15/01/2023 10:44

I hope your DC is ok and you'Re all getting back to something approaching normal. It all sounds very difficult and stressful

But. You have learned that you need a slightly more robust emergency plan. You weren't out of order to ask for help, and they did a rather long journey to come to your aid. But this

because of their dogs, they had to get back. Their dogs are priority in all situations it seems.

Not quite. Maybe they don't have an emergency plan for their dogs for this because it's never cropped up before? it is not unreasonable for them to mostly, usually prioritise their dogs. From your other posts, they didn't get help and this is how they are, they don't expect to be available to give help at the drop of a hat. This is just how they are and you need to work around it. It's not easy to get sitters for dogs just like that.

Your main priority is your DCs and that is right and your own parents have a different attitude so that is a help for you. So when things are calm you need to have a think abut what you can do, who you might be able to call on, when you need help. It's unfortunate, but it is how your life is.

Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 10:44

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 10:43

OP have you even asked who liked after the dogs - found out the details of who to send a thank you card to for the emergency dog care?

What do you think?!

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:44

And my mum does have health problems. She can't keep going and going.

I am grateful they came that distance to help. We did appreciate it. However it made me feel so uncomfortable with their behaviour and attitude. We won't ask again. It is lesson learnt

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 15/01/2023 10:44

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 09:15

Personally no I’d not habe asked two people With dogs to do a 260 mile round trip so you could both go to bed, we’d have taken it in turns.

This

BadNomad · 15/01/2023 10:44

Well, yes, dogs are living things, therefore their wellbeing needs to be a priority. It doesn't mean PIL don't care about their grandchildren. It just means they don't have the freedom to drop everything and travel 130 miles immediately.

You panicked. You called them before you even knew what was happening. DC1 was perfectly safe with their other grandparents. It's understandable that MIL was a bit miffed to go all that way to not actually be needed.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:45

The dogs were being looked after by one of their friends

OP posts:
IntoTheDeepDark · 15/01/2023 10:45

I'm glad your dc is feeling better.

I wouldn't have asked in these circumstances. It does seem a bit over the top to need 6 adults to deal with the situation.

silverclock222 · 15/01/2023 10:46

Why didn't they bring their dogs with them and stay overnight?

strumpert · 15/01/2023 10:46

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:45

The dogs were being looked after by one of their friends

That's a big ask. It's a massive ask.

My dog would still be upset without me there and I'd want to get back to him asap especially if the child wasn't in hospital any longer and I was only there so that 6 other adults could sleep and recover from a 24 hour admission. Sorry.

OMG12 · 15/01/2023 10:46

Tigofigo · 15/01/2023 09:17

This. Or I'd have asked a local friend to help.

Show quote history

Exactly, I do think asking anyone to do a 260 mile round trip in a day, people who had dogs so obviously couldn’t stay - it’s not putting the dogs first it’s making sure their needs are met, you can’t just drop them - was a bit of a strange reaction. Surely a friend could help, otherwise you just cope.

When DH was fighting for his life, I asked local friends to help with DS.

glad, all is ok with your DC

SometimesYourBestIsJustThat · 15/01/2023 10:46

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:29

@Sodamncold that's just spiteful

Show quote history

To be honest it’s really not spiteful.

You are emotional about the whole subject, understandably, but you are not being realistic, or sympathetic to people who really also did put themselves out for you.

Hyggetur · 15/01/2023 10:47

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:45

The dogs were being looked after by one of their friends

One person looking after two dogs, and you think it takes 6 adults to look after two kids. Can you not hear yourself op?

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:47

But they could have said no?

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 10:48

How much time have you given to how much it might have inconvenienced their friend to look after the dogs at short notice OP?

did they have to go and stay at your PILs house? Or have unsettled dogs staying with them?

im gong to guess you have given exactly zero seconds to think about the dog sitter at all

VladmirsPoutine · 15/01/2023 10:48

@Edinburghmusing I think you only saw my second post as I'd posted too soon, I agree. I think the OP was being unreasonable, seemingly because although the grandparents helped they just didn't do it with enough grace.

Knickerthief1 · 15/01/2023 10:48

Some people are just really odd with illness unfortunately. My PIL are amazing and would drop anything to help. My own parents who I love dearly are terrible. I was hospitalised for nearly three weeks and didnt see them. When my gran was very poorly I drove 7 hours to be with her and my parents (her son) didn't! In answer to your question you were not at all unreasonable in asking but In really wouldn't bother again. I'd also reconsider their involvement in the nicer bits of grandparenting but that's me!!

Hyggetur · 15/01/2023 10:48

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 10:47

But they could have said no?

But they didn’t, that’s the point.

strumpert · 15/01/2023 10:49

I have a plan for my dog. For a day I'd ask my mate and give her a bottle of wine and bunch of flowers.

Any longer (like overnight) I'd have to put the dog into kennels and that's expensive. My dog Walker does kennelling too and they have a house key for this kind of emergency but it's possible since there are 2 of your in laws that they don't have this sort of plan in place.

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 10:49

So you wouldn’t have been upset if they’d said no!!??

you’re just upset that they said yes but displayed insufficient grace??

you are not very self aware OP