Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Having read about your dad you're definitely taking the piss.

Get yourself some therapy ASAP. 130 miles to pick up a problem that didn't really need dealing with is bonkers.

So a random stranger unknown to the OP had to inconvenience themselves to look after someone else’s dog which OP expects without even a thought - so that her own father - who lives there - doesn’t take a day off work to help his daughter

i imagine that the MIL has a very different recollection

and I imagine the random friend who had to dogs it would also have their own very different version

Surely that means it would have very much made more sense for one of you to stay with ds1 to give him some familiarity?

Im not a crier or a hugger but I get on with the job and do what needs to be done. Doesn’t make me moody or grumpy. I just get on with the task during the time it needs Doing them decompress after.

Same here. And I'm also cursed with resting bitch face. In sure that in an emergency it would be very easy for someone to misinterpret my feelings. Especially an in-law who wouldn't have the history and looking relationship with me.
I'm a practical rather than sentimental person. So even when I'm absolutely terrified or worried about someone I love, I turn into a fixer rather than a hugger. I shake later on.

My own kids know that my love is shown that way. An in-law might not read me that way.

Well presumably this couldn’t be the case here as they look after another child too. If they can’t cope with 1 parent how do they manage to look after another child day to day?

if the child is violent it probably makes it even more unreasonable to expect someone to drive 130 miles look after a violent child which would probably have exhausted them then drive another 130 miles whilst exhausted at the end of the day.

it’s tough, I understand that but I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask 2 parents, who I would assume are retired (no mention of jobs) to do this, no matter how fit and healthy.

I think my comment regarding the dogs has been blown out of proportion. They were looked after by a friend for the day, maybe 9 or 10 hours. I knew they needed to get home for the dogs and the friend which is understandable. We didn't expect them to stay any longer than they did.

My annoyance is probably because everytime we see them, every single time, it's dictated by the dogs. They've been living where they are for ages now and claim not to have found a dog sitter or kennels. I totally get that this was last minute with us this week but the rest of the time, the dogs take priority on how we see them if they cone to us.

In a See tk you’d Original question “was it unreasonable to ask?” It’s never unreasonable to ask. But it’s just that - asking. They have every right to say no or agree to the request with certain compromises or adjustments.

I can see it from their side. I am recovering from having a large blood clot removed from each lung. My husband did not handle my hospital stay well at all. In his family, and in mine, hospitals are where people go to die. We are generally all very healthy, until we die. I was very close to death and had to have surgery to save my life. It was made very clear to my husband that if the surgery didn’t happen immediately I would die. When I was awake afterwards in the ICU he didn’t speak much. He appeared as if he didn’t care. I knew he did and he was just in deep shock and also very worried. The man had been told that his wife could very possibly die at a very young age. Not a pleasant experience. Some people really don’t know how to deal with loved ones being in hospital. It may also bring back painful memories of losing their parents, or some other family member. Not everyone can be the perfect bedside companion to the sick.

Depending on how the in-laws were told, and what they are told (for example, if they were under the impression that the child could die), they could have been in terrible shock, especially being so far away. They would have felt helpless. If they then arrived and found a child sitting up in a cot smiling and waving, they might be annoyed that they had been caused undue worry. Is it possible that you may have slightly catastrophised the situation? It’s easily done, especially in a very stressful situation. You also don’t know what they were dealing with in their personal lives at the time. There may be things you are not aware of.

I think you’re reading too much into her facial expressions or tone of voice. It all turned out well, just focus on that.

Some people don’t want to leave their dogs with a kennel or dog sitter. That’s their choice, not yours. You need to stop whatever issue you have with the dogs, it’s probably causing tension in your relationship with MIL and FIL. I would be annoyed if someone said to me oh just stick your dog in a kennel for a day - do you know how much kennels cost for a start?

Get over the dogs.

They have dogs. That's how it is.

They sound like very responsible dog owners to me. Why have dogs if you don’t make them a priority? I applaud them for being so responsible with their dogs. I wish more people were like that about their animals.

@saraclara I think the difference is my mil has like a split personality it seems. Very moody and you know all about it. She's either all over us with hugs and kisses and being really supportive and lovely or she's the opposite. We haven't experienced this mood in this situation before but like I've said, lesson learnt. Won't ask again.
On two occasions, fil invited us for a meal at theirs when they were local and when we got there it was obvious mil didn't want us there. She was touchy, stroppy, unpleasant. It created a horrible atmosphere and puts you on edge. I don't know what was going on those times but surely it's better to just make an excuse and cancel than subject others to that? One of those times was at Christmas too.

When somebody is so blow hot, blow cold like that, I don't know if I can trust them entirely. This whole situation has been a lesson learnt - never ask inlaws for any help at a bad time. The was the first and will be the last. I'm very wary of mil tbh.

Why are you so hung up on the dogs . They have chosen to have dogs and are committed to looking after them . Why shouldn't they have dogs in their lives because it doesn't fit with what you want.
They asked a friend to have them drove over 230 miles to help you when you asked, yet your own DDads prioritised his work over his DD , GC and wife . They put you first when your own DDad didn't.

It hasn’t been blown out of proportion. You know full well what their lifestyle is like, you know they have dogs and don’t like to leave them for long. And yet you continue to get annoyed and upset by it. It might not be your choice or your values to have dogs, but it’s theirs - you don’t have to agree, or like it, but if you continue to expect them to be something other than what they are, they will continue to disappoint, and you will continue to feel let down by them. I don’t know what you expect them to do - they’re 130 miles away, not round the corner. Not have dogs and not live the life they choose in case you need them?

I was in this situation with a 6 week old baby and I was completely alone. My in-laws came to the hospital and watched my baby for a couple of hours and complained I took too long. I appreciated their honesty.

I had taken an Uber home so I could pick up the car and the pram as well as the baby carrier (he had positional asphyxia from being in a carrier).

I needed someone to watch him because my partner was out of the city on business and you can’t leave an infant alone because the nurses are too busy. He left for his trip the day after. So I was truly alone.

I was grateful my in-laws were able to attend at all and demonstrate to social services that I had family support (because the reality of the situation was that I did everything on my own).

I don’t know how serious your child’s condition was but was it possible that in your circumstances one of you could have stayed at home with the other child and taken turns at the hospital? Or was your child’s condition so serious it necessitated your both being there?

In my case my own immediate family were either out of the country or out of the State on vacation. I felt like I couldn’t ask my father as he is elderly.

In my infant’s case it was serious and I had to deal with social services because the paediatricians didn’t understand how my child stopped breathing. So I dealt with everything alone.

THE DOGS WERE BEING LOOKED AFTER! They did not have to rush back for them. They chose to rush back because their dogs are more important than their family. That might be how you think people should act but it’s not mine.

@BitOutOfPractice there was no medical emergency. The child was home and recovered.

the matter was at no time considered serious enough by the OP for her own father who lives there to take a day of work.

i imagine it was quite inconvenient for someone to have to rearrange their life at short notice because the op desperately needed to have a nap at the same time as her husban- again remembering that the matter was not serious enough for the OP to expect her father to take time off.

looking after other peoples dogs is normally a lot of work

@Intrepidescape I'm so sorry, that sounds like a horrible thing to go through.

I realise there are situations where people have to be on their own and that's how it has to be. However, did you find the trauma from the whole thing even worse being on your own?

Reason I say that is being I had some awful experiences during covid when pregnant with dc2 because you had to be on your own at times. For instance, I thought I'd lost the pregnancy due to blood loss and had to be scanned on my own, I had reduced movements and had to be monitored alone, I had a breakdown on the postnatal ward and was alone and dc2 became seriously ill after birth and had to go into special care. Again, the rule was one parent only. I'm still traumatised by those things as this last week has shown me. I needed my dh with me in the hospital.

@Edinburghmusing you've really got it in for me on this thread haven't you?! I'm curious to know why? I know putting this thread on mumsnet sets me up for receiving some unkind comments but you really have persisted. You may not understand where I'm coming from or agree but equally, I'm really struggling right now. I've made that clear in my comments and you're just being harsh for the sake of it I think.

Why did you need two more adults there so that you and your husband could sleep?

How do you manage in normal life?

OP, if I were you, I'd quit the thread and stop engaging, this is just going round in circles with some people determined to ignore what you've said about your MH etc. (You can hide it or ask MNHQ to take it down with the report button if you've had enough.)

@strumpert dc1 needed to be taken out as his behaviour was off the scale! Dc2 needed time to rest and recover with time out from him. The inlaws helped with this as they took him out. Dh and I took it in turns to rest and look after dc2.

Did you know the person who was looking after them? Do you know that they were able to continue to do so the next day?