Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

How bad are your MH issues? How much do the in laws know about that? How much do your MH issues impact on your DH?

There's a whole context here that we don't know.

I could see that I might be worried about my son if he had a wife who was seriously unwell and it was impacting on him in terms of him needing to support her, pick up the kids, do the bulk of the house stuff and all of that because his wife is an in patient.

Seriously?
Dear God, there are some strange responses on here.
OP said that in laws could have the dogs (not ill) looked after by friends.
One child was very ill, the other needs a lot of care. What the hell has that got to do with the dogs?? If 2 adults have dogs surely they need arrangements in case one of them is rushed into hospital and the other one needs to Jo with them- so I can’t see why the dogs is an explanation for apparent resentment .
OP, your Mil evidently has little sympathy with your situation. If I were you, I would not bother at all with her now. Leave it all to DH.

And there were already 4 adults there to take care of two kids. How many more did you need?

@Sirzy yes you're right. I have been thinking about that as maybe there was something going on we didn't know about. But I would much have preferred them to say. We asked but they didn't have to come.

@Maray1967 the OP was pissed off that her MIL was “prioritising” her dogs - by going back to look after them. I was making the point that the OP has shat all over her MIL for not displaying the correct attitude - I imagine the OP had her own slap arsed face when she heard that actually a random friend of her pils could not continue to look after her dogs and her pils had to return to do so.

it’s clearly been established thst the emergency was not childcare - the emergency was OPs mental state.

I do think I’m those situations they probably need to have decided to take it in turns sleeping
or being at the hospital.

Some of us get it, OP. It's not just about turning up, it's about showing up emotionally and giving you the emotional support you need. No wonder your mental health is suffering at the moment.

You must be livid with your father for not taking time off work to provide emotional support to you OP

YABU OP, it's a long way for them to come and the fact you are upset because she had an edge to her. Her dogs would of needed feeding and walking, so why does it bother you she puts them before everything else?

No pleasing some people. They still came but you still not happy and write a post about it. What would you have done if she said no? Get on with it like everyone else has too.

So they aren't your eldest child's biological grandparents then, I assume.

Do you think there was part of them that didn't understand why they were being asked to look after your DC1 when your parents were available? Are they generally accepting and loving towards your eldest child?

I have been thinking about that as maybe there was something going on we didn't know about. But I would much have preferred them to say

But they really don't owe you that. They may be the type of people who prefer to keep their problems private or perhaps they thought it terribly inappropriate to dump their own worries on your family at this time. The point is that they have surely earned enough good will for you to assume the best of the them rather than the worst?

If they aren't DC 1 grandparents that does put a different slant on it too

I think 6 adults on hand to look after 2 children (even if one of them is poorly) is completely overkill.

That's what you'd like to think, and perhaps they put on a great act, but for many people being called to drop everything and come to help so that four other adults could have a daytime nap would not be something they'd willingly embark on.

@Edinburghmusing To be fair to my dad, he is a hospital and hospice chaplin (not the hospital we were in) and his work has been busy/intense recently.

Your judgement is flawed at the moment. You’re not thinking outside of yourself, and your reactions are extreme.

You prioritised your rest, your DH’s rest, your mum’s rest, your dad’s job, over whatever your in-laws were doing. That’s not okay. For whatever reasons, your MIL wasn’t thrilled to be wherever you needed her to be at that particular time. Her being “family” does NOT mean that she must sacrifice herself to you. Family are allowed to have boundaries and lives of their own too. She also doesn’t owe it to you to make you feel not guilty, make you feel better etc etc. What about what she’s allowed to do or not do?

Now that it’s passed, it’s one thing to have thoughts about it but another thing to maintain that she was in the wrong and that you won’t call in her again. That’s the wrong conclusion to draw.

Really, you’re saying that you and DH needed looking after too. Tbh, if I were your MIL I’d tell you to knuckle down too (well, I’d tell my son, not my daughter in law). Act like the parents you are. Also, this has NOTHING to do with whether or not you’ve received help from your own parents when you were young parents. It’s everything to do with taking responsibility for your actions and choices, acting like adults and not expecting parents who’ve been there and done that to STILL do it for you when you’re grown up enough to have children of your own.

Happy to hear you’re getting treatment for your problems

@category12 you're right. I need to stop dwelling on it.

He should perhaps have put you and your mum first though, as maybe more than anyone he could have understood how much you needed support.
It seems to me that you are angry with the wrong people.

Why don't you expect your dad to prioritise your family?

I don't think that's how families work myself but I know that's what everyone thinks.

That’s not true OP. That’s the distortion of the mental health issues you’re experiencing making you think that. You’ve had a variety of responses here - some a bit harsh, some completely the other way. Surely that should tell you that there is no “what everyone thinks” and that everyone is in fact different? That families are different? Some do feel they have an obligation to help, others don’t, and all in between.

You seem to have very high expectations of people. I think it’s very understandable you asked for help and were stressed out, but also very understandable your MIL might have been a bit peeved to find the situation had changed considerably from what she expected to find and that she was not, in fact, providing emergency childcare while her GC was in hospital, she was facilitating 3 adults taking a nap. I would struggle to walk into a situation that was different to what I’d been told after driving 130 miles, to be honest - I’d need a bit of time to process that. And some people of older generations just aren’t so good or understanding about mental health - she may just not have “got it” about why you were so upset. You can’t necessarily provide effective emotional support when you fundamentally don’t really understand what’s going on for someone.

Don’t write her off as a dick, but also be mindful of inlaws’ limitations in future, as we can’t change people or make them meet our needs, we can only accept them as they are and work within that.

No idea of OP's son's needs, but with DS we try and have both of us with him as much as possible as his meltdowns are violent - I had to go to A&E three times last year. It's exhausting, and I'm thankful we only have DS. He really needs two adults with him at home.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair that's quite similar to us.

That’s not my reading of it at all.
This was clearly a very stressful situation. The MiL made it clear that she didn’t want to be there. If mine behaved like that to us in that situation - not that mine would - I would be disgusted.

If you need 2:1 on DS1 at all times how do you manage another baby?

Yes, it’s probably best to move on now, but I entirely understand how upset you are. If my in-laws turned up clearly resentful like that I would be very unimpressed.
If my grandchild was in hospital I’d be heading there as quickly as I could. Even if I thought my son and DIL should have managed ok on their own, I’d still be trying to help and make myself useful, not sitting there with a mardy face on.