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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

583 replies

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:46

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

OP posts:
Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:07

We contacted inlaws whilst in hospital and had no idea at that point how long we'd be in for. As it was, it was 2 days. But they came when we were out. We juggled it between myself, dh and my mum. My dad works.

The point of them coming to help was to help with dc1. His special needs are very demanding and it was a lot for my mum. My mum has a few health problems including epilepsy and cannot afford to get overtired. So she needed a break.

My dh and I did take it in turns to look after dc2 whilst the other one rested. If it hadn't of been for the inlaws, that would have been extremely difficult if not impossible. Ds1 needs a lot of care.

For those saying, we didn't both need to be in the hospital, as I said, we were both scared and both wanted to be there. I particularly needed dh there for support and I didn't want to be at home. From everyone else we saw in there, both parents were present.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 15/01/2023 18:09

Did you let ILs know that DC had been let out of hospital?

Sirzy · 15/01/2023 18:11

So as much as your wanting to slag them off by your own admission they where a godsend!

i do think now you have two children you need to work on dividing things like this more between the two of you as tough as that may be.

FourTeaFallOut · 15/01/2023 18:12

From everyone else we saw in there, both parents were present

Well, that's quite unusual. And even if you both went in together, as soon as your DC was being looked after by the hospital, that's when one of you should have returned home to relieve your dm.

FourTeaFallOut · 15/01/2023 18:14

And as a wheezer, and the mother of one, you need a plan for these logistic if this isn't a one off.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:14

They came and for that we are grateful and told them that. We really thanked them. But I know they weren't happy. They were resentful for coming and mil did not hide that at all. I was literally crying and looked in such a state and she said nothing. No sympathy, no words of encouragement or support. She was off and almost rude. The last time we saw them, it was all embracing hugs and affection. So it was very obvious they were annoyed at being asked.

When dh messaged his parents to let them know about ds2, mil didn't say anything then either. It's just odd. Maybe she just wants to be detached from us and just enjoy the nice bits when she chooses. I don't think that's how families work myself but I know that's what everyone thinks.

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:15

My dh and I did take it in turns to look after dc2 whilst the other one rested. If it hadn't of been for the inlaws, that would have been extremely difficult if not impossible. Ds1 needs a lot of care.

So, despite your MIL's "uncaring" attitude and the fact that they had to rush back to sort the dog, they were still a massive help to you?

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 18:15

Sent that message off to thank the emergency dog sitter yet OP?

or still annoyed this random friend of your parents in law didn’t put themselves out more?

category12 · 15/01/2023 18:16

I think given OP's recent poor mental health, it's not unreasonable for her to need extra support by having her dh with her.

OP, I do think you might be reading a bit too much into your in-law's reactions and might be better giving them the benefit of the doubt, than worrying and cutting your nose off to spite your face because of what you think they're thinking.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:17

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:14

They came and for that we are grateful and told them that. We really thanked them. But I know they weren't happy. They were resentful for coming and mil did not hide that at all. I was literally crying and looked in such a state and she said nothing. No sympathy, no words of encouragement or support. She was off and almost rude. The last time we saw them, it was all embracing hugs and affection. So it was very obvious they were annoyed at being asked.

When dh messaged his parents to let them know about ds2, mil didn't say anything then either. It's just odd. Maybe she just wants to be detached from us and just enjoy the nice bits when she chooses. I don't think that's how families work myself but I know that's what everyone thinks.

Maybe she had other things on her mind if this was extremely out of character for her.

I think it's quite unfair that you've automatically leap towards her being rude and unhelpful when you say yourself that's not how she normally behaves.

Survey99 · 15/01/2023 18:18

From everyone else we saw in there, both parents were present.

Maybe they didnt have other commitments so it wasn't something they had to manage. With such easy communication today with mobile phones it is much easier to keep in touch with the parent in/out the hospital. Absolutely no need for both parents to be there the whole time.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:19

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:15

My dh and I did take it in turns to look after dc2 whilst the other one rested. If it hadn't of been for the inlaws, that would have been extremely difficult if not impossible. Ds1 needs a lot of care.

So, despite your MIL's "uncaring" attitude and the fact that they had to rush back to sort the dog, they were still a massive help to you?

@whataboutsecondbreakfast they were helpful but I'm upset by the attitude and rudeness. I feel bad for asking, guilty and I won't ask again.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 15/01/2023 18:19

Well this is MN, and the subject in question is a mil. When a mil does anything that is considered lacking it is assumed to be some immutable and horrible part of her personality which is at play but if the op on MN ever behaves poorly, then it is a temporary quirk of her upsetting circumstance.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:22

I don't know how shit life needs to get before family will show emotional support. Maybe they don't have it in them. I know I'm mentally unwell right now so that doesn't help. They just don't care about that.

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 18:23

@JumpingFrogs12 whst sort of attitude did you show about their dogs that they had to arrange emergency care for?

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rookiemere · 15/01/2023 18:25

Some people find it hard to be around extreme emotions.

Your DC had got out of hospital so your MIL could have been perplexed as to why you were still so upset. Maybe she decided the best course of action was to let you get to bed for some much needed rest asap.

I'd get your DH to talk to them in a week or so when all the emotions have died down and get their take on it.

Personally I think that once you knew your DC was out of hospital, your DH should have checked with them if they were genuinely ok still to come. I absolutely think they would be there for you in a genuine emergency, but yes it does appear as if their care is finite.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:25

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:19

@whataboutsecondbreakfast they were helpful but I'm upset by the attitude and rudeness. I feel bad for asking, guilty and I won't ask again.

Show quote history

It's likely that MIL's attitude was nothing to do with you or your situation, though, especially when you say she's normally really helpful and affectionate.

Maybe they'd had an argument, maybe they'd had some upsetting news, maybe she's stressed about something - who knows. If it's completely the opposite to how she normally behaves, I'd be more worried about something being wrong than anything else.

strumpert · 15/01/2023 18:26

If she shit in the palm of her hand she couldn't please you.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:27

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 18:22

I don't know how shit life needs to get before family will show emotional support. Maybe they don't have it in them. I know I'm mentally unwell right now so that doesn't help. They just don't care about that.

If they didn't care, they wouldn't have come at all.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling but I think you're (unfairly) putting all your upset around what happened with your DC onto your MIL when in reality, it sounds like they've been a massive help to you.

rookiemere · 15/01/2023 18:27

strumpert · 15/01/2023 18:26

If she shit in the palm of her hand she couldn't please you.

To be fair, not sure many would be delighted with that Grin

Sirzy · 15/01/2023 18:27

As hard as it is you also need to remember that other people have emotions and feelings and that’s fine.

they came. They helped. That should be the end of it other than being greatful for the support.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 15/01/2023 18:29

OMG12 · 15/01/2023 10:46

Exactly, I do think asking anyone to do a 260 mile round trip in a day, people who had dogs so obviously couldn’t stay - it’s not putting the dogs first it’s making sure their needs are met, you can’t just drop them - was a bit of a strange reaction. Surely a friend could help, otherwise you just cope.

When DH was fighting for his life, I asked local friends to help with DS.

glad, all is ok with your DC

Show quote history

Her eldest has special needs though. There may be limited options for help because of that.

I don't have any friends I could leave DS with if there were an emergency. There's my parents, and he's stayed with his aunt once - though not in an emergency.

OhmygodDont · 15/01/2023 18:30

Maybe not overly emotional is how mil copes in an emergency.

Im not a crier or a hugger but I get on with the job and do what needs to be done. Doesn’t make me moody or grumpy. I just get on with the task during the time it needs Doing them decompress after.

you need to stop making this bigger than it is. They helped.

OhmygodDont · 15/01/2023 18:30

rookiemere · 15/01/2023 18:27

To be fair, not sure many would be delighted with that Grin

Show quote history

I mean if the mil read this she would probably rather shit in her hand then help again tbh.